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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My counselor said max 6 months without marriage counseling because after 6 months, the separation becomes familiar and comfortable. Any success stories after 6 months? I know the 180 plan, but when or do I move forward with something that won't make me feel strung along?
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I'm far from it. I'm only on my 2nd month, 1 month COMPLETE separation. I got a long ways to go.

I don't know. I'm trying to focus on myself and keep myself happy, but it's still so painful.

I wish you well, I truly do.
 

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S2K, Up is right. You should be moving on all the time. Your life while in the confines of that marriage should have been about developing yourself and protecting yourself as part of that partnership. What is it you're waiting for? Work on you and when you get that right it will become painfully clear about what you need to do. Right now you're your biggest problem And solution. As they say, sink or swim.
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Explain how without him making a choice you can avoid that feeling please.
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Because, YOU have to make a choice, not him. At least that is what I had to do. My STBXH said he was confused and didn't know what he wanted. I didn't want a divorce. Well it's been 3 months and a few days. He is still unsure what he wants, he kept me stringing along, so I could be his plan B, if his plan A didn't work out. (the other woman he was seeing!). So I had to decide if I was willing to go through this pain again or move on. It is hard to move on (trust me) but it was the healthiest thing to do. Who cares what he wants, you decide if you are going to let him continue to hurt you this way or are you going to move on away from this pain. Because history shows, if they hurt you this way once, they probably will do it again.

Good luck
 

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So even without a divorce you don't necessarily have the feeling of being strung along? Explain how without him making a choice you can avoid that feeling please.
Sep2k---I was strung along for 1.8 years. After the first year, I started to get it. Work on me, that was my focus. When you make your emotional health and finding your identity as a person takes center stage, it really doesn't matter what they do. All of a sudden, you make the decision for them. You respect yourself so much that you don't see the value in being with someone who doesn't see you for the amazing person you are. You feel being strung along because your measure of yourself is predicated on what "they" do. As human beings, we were not designed for that. We are each individuals, and we need to be capable of bringing our whole individual selves to any situation.
 

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In my heart, I would love to be able to see STBXW come back. I am not certain she has had anything to do with anyone else. But the fact she decided to walk away without a fight.....forced me to call on a D. I'm finding it hard to file though.....deep down I don't want to but I have to. Too much has happened and now that she seems to be fishing.....it's best to cut off the snake's head before it can bite.
 
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I'm 2 months seperated. the stbxw just sent me an email that she will be filing the divorce paperwork after the holidays.. The pain is so intense sometimes. I can seem to quit thinking about her. I am still so very much in love with her but she has made it clear she wants to be single. I hate this feeling but it's not as painful as the day she walked out.
 

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My counselor said max 6 months without marriage counseling because after 6 months, the separation becomes familiar and comfortable. Any success stories after 6 months? I know the 180 plan, but when or do I move forward with something that won't make me feel strung along?
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All success R stories I know are after the 6th month . It needs time to realize what they done and what they lost . and that the grass isn't greener out there .
 

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All success R stories I know are after the 6th month . It needs time to realize what they done and what they lost . and that the grass isn't greener out there .
This is the truth. They must come to a place of humility. Without it, the relationship will never be balanced, and you definitely don't want that. The vast majority of reconciliations I have seen happen at about the year mark, however, some are even longer because of the pride that exists in the party who decided to end the marriage.

That being said.....when the betrayed spouse bust their butt on themselves and becomes a fantastic version of themselves, they usually laugh at a reconciliation because the wayward didn't change at all. They just became humbled. I'm sorry.....I am not your plan B. Screw that.
 

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This is the truth. They must come to a place of humility. Without it, the relationship will never be balanced, and you definitely don't want that. The vast majority of reconciliations I have seen happen at about the year mark, however, some are even longer because of the pride that exists in the party who decided to end the marriage.

That being said.....when the betrayed spouse bust their butt on themselves and becomes a fantastic version of themselves, they usually laugh at a reconciliation because the wayward didn't change at all. They just became humbled. I'm sorry.....I am not your plan B. Screw that.
exactly. This is what i have seen as well. 1 year or so.

with 1 year of changes under my belt, why would i want to go back? Screw that noise.
 

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This is the truth. They must come to a place of humility. Without it, the relationship will never be balanced, and you definitely don't want that. The vast majority of reconciliations I have seen happen at about the year mark, however, some are even longer because of the pride that exists in the party who decided to end the marriage.

That being said.....when the betrayed spouse bust their butt on themselves and becomes a fantastic version of themselves, they usually laugh at a reconciliation because the wayward didn't change at all. They just became humbled. I'm sorry.....I am not your plan B. Screw that.

Yes ,thinking of it I see it around the year mark too ( the R stories I've seen ) :)
 

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It only feels long if we don't fill it with things to better ourselves. At least, my last year has positively flown by.
Mine has too. I am so grateful for it.
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I've been attending the same church for nearly 20 years but my husband still goes and it's difficult to see him. I'm going to ask my counselor if I should attend a different church until I feel ready to go back.
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I've been attending the same church for nearly 20 years but my husband still goes and it's difficult to see him. I'm going to ask my counselor if I should attend a different church until I feel ready to go back.
ABSOLUTELY. I posed the same question to my therapist. I made the change, and it has blessed me immensely. I met new people, and started a new chapter in my recovery. For you, it is necessary to take away the familiarity. I got into a divorce recovery class.......THAT will help you find your identity in Christ and your true value as a follower of God.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I have decided to attend a different church, break contact with some mutual friends and have him pick out daughter up through my parents (I live with them). A part of me says I'm running away, but I know that's not true because i do t run away from things. In my life I have dealt with them to the point of hurt. I believe it will be a lot easier if I don't see him, because God understands that it's certainly not easy seeing him everyday.
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I have decided to attend a different church, break contact with some mutual friends and have him pick out daughter up through my parents (I live with them). A part of me says I'm running away, but I know that's not true because i do t run away from things. In my life I have dealt with them to the point of hurt. I believe it will be a lot easier if I don't see him, because God understands that it's certainly not easy seeing him everyday.
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That is far from running away.

It's what you feel you need.

What you are okay with.

Also known as.

Boundaries.

Good for you.

A step in the right direction to taking care of YOURSELF first.
 
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