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My husband and I got into an argument several months ago. We both acted out and he ended up getting arrested to domestic violence. The charges were later dropped at my request. Then about a month ago, I called the police because we got into an argument again, and I wanted him to leave and he refused. He feels that he acted in self defense and I had him arrested, but I feel he was arrested as a consequence to hitting me- it was in the arm. I got bruised but it didn't require any medical attention. Then the second time, he thinks I called the cops to get him in trouble, but I only wanted him to leave for the night.

Well, he's been gone for 4 weeks now and says he's afraid to come home because he thinks I will get him in trouble, when the truth is if he doesn't cause any trouble, he doesn't have to worry about it.

We went to counseling and I thought we had worked things out, but he continues to bring all this old junk up again.

Also, I was in charge of our finances, and I was using credit cards to pay for bills that we didn't have enough money for. We spent too much money on fast food, weren't careful, etc. Now he has his own checking account and locked me out of all of the joint accounts, except for our joint checking account which my paycheck is direct deposited into. There are certain bills I pay with my paycheck, others he pays with his. We have worked out a budget, and so far it's helping.

I want to get back together, move on and put this whole mess behind us, but he can't let it go. I told him if he doesn't want me anymore to file for divorce and let me go, but he says we can't afford to because I can't afford to pay my part of the credit card debt on my own. He won't say when or if he plans on coming home.

I am tired of hanging on here without resolution. I want him to come home or divorce me and be done with it. Don't know what to do.
:scratchhead:
 

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I don't blame your husband. I'd be afraid to ever come home too, knowing you have and will again use your advantage of gender against me. You say you called the police because you wanted him to leave, but you could just as well be the one to leave. Instead, you took unfair advantage and got him in trouble because you knew you could. And now, you are not being honest and up front about it.

To make any attempt at fixing anything, you have to be honest with your husband and confess your true reasons for calling the police - that you knew he would get into trouble. Then promise to never do it again.....and never do it again unless you fear for your life with no means of escape. Your husband should not have to live with that kind of threat over his head and with an immature, unpredictable wife.

If that doesn't work, then why don't you be the one to file for divorce. There is nothing in the rule book that says you have to live according to his will or within his time frame. You have let us know you are very capable of making your own decisions.
 

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First, as far as I know, police won't arrest anyone unless they themselves witnessed the aggression or if there is evidence. Second, one incident of domestic violence is enough, regardless of the severity. It sounds like your husband still has suppressed hostility and anger management issues. I wonder if he is willing to go to counseling for himself since he was willing to go for couples counseling.

In regards to divorce or not to divorce, you can also take the first steps and not wait on your husband to make a decision. If you and your husband want to save this marriage, it sounds like individual counseling for your husband and couples counseling for both of you may be in order. Going once doesn't necessarily resolve everything. Best of luck to you.
 
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