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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi guys, am new on the forum and am not sure where this would go but here goes. My husband and i have always been good/best of friends so i let go of some/most of my friends so right now this is the best place for me to vent. So last night hubby was working late and there was a programme on the tele that was from my church and a male "married" colleague gave me a heads up to watch it. So i did and told hubby about it then at first he asked me how does he know which denomination you are and i said am not sure i probably mentioned it in passing. Next thing i post on a status, thank you (*Peter) you rock and that became the start of my problem. Hubby sends me a bbm telling me my status is inappropriate so i took it down as i really didn’t want to fight. He then sends another one saying as a married woman i should be careful of my statuses. So i responded and said i don’t want to fight and honestly i didn’t see anything wrong with my status. Then he went on about how women let social media get to their heads then i lost it and said i am not all these women he is referring to and am his wife. Next thing he was telling me to know my place and i told him that he needs to know his as well. to cut the long story short i decided to stop the communication and slept before he got home as i wasn’t in the mood for confrontation. We have been married for 5 yrs and things haven’t been bad we have had our fair share of normal fights. Am not sure how to handle this, we normally communicate in the morning when i get to work to say i travelled safely but today i didn’t have the guts to do that and he hasn’t sent any communication either. I really hate the fighting and am not sure how to end this silliness. Advice would be welcome.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Nope. I think when we got married they just feel away because we just had time for each other and somehow didn't have time for friends.
 

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Have you ever gotten a little too close to male friends before or given him any reason to worry about inappropriate behavior in regard to you and other men?
 

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Hello Bernice, I took the time to put together a list of the points you made in your story, I'm trying to get a better idea of what you're going through and see if we can pinpoint the problem and come up with a solution.

OP'S STORY TIMELINE...
  1. OP says her and H have always been good/best friends
    • Married 5 years (things haven't been bad)
    • Had their share of normal fights
  2. OP mentions that she has let go of some/most of her friends
  3. A "MARRIED" male colleague of OP, recommends she watch a program on TV from her church
  4. OP watches program and tells H about it
  5. H wants to know how did male colleague know OP's church denomination
  6. OP says she must have mentioned it in passing
  7. OP post a status for male colleague thank you (*Peter) you rock
  8. H send message to OP and says her status is inappropriate
  9. OP takes status down because she didn't want to fight
  10. H sends another message and says as a married woman OP should be careful of her statuses
  11. OP responds she doesn't want to fight and sees nothing wrong with her status.
  12. H says women let social media go to their heads
  13. OP loses it and responds "I'm not those women, I am your wife"
  14. H tells OP she should know her place, OP tells H he should know his :redcard:
  15. OP stops communication, goes to sleep, not in the mood for confrontation
  16. The next morning OP and H fail to communicate
  17. OP hates fighting, refers to incident as "silliness"
ANALYSIS...
  • H is correct about the dangers of married women and social media
  • H sounds like he may have some insecurity and control issues...why???:scratchhead:
  • H has SERIOUS problem with married women and social media
  • Where are the boundaries in this marriage?:scratchhead:
  • Does H have some jealousy issues OP is not aware of???:scratchhead:
  • Has OP had some too close for comfort male friends in the past?:scratchhead:
  • OP's status for male colleague was blown way out of proportion by H
  • Although the OP's actions were innocent, OP should also recognize H's concerns
  • OP did the right thing by removing status after H mentions it.
  • H escalated the issue by telling OP she should know her place.
  • A small boundary issue has now resulted in a major communication breakdown
SUMMARY...
You're right Bernice, this is silly! I see a a minor incident turned into a major communication breakdown. Now we have two strong headed people, waiting for the other one to blink. What should have been a slight misunderstanding of boundaries, has turned into the Gunfight at the OK Coral. Although I think both of you can share in the blame for this incident getting out of hand, I also feel you're H is more at fault, because he could have communicated his concerns a little better.

I think his KNOW YOUR PLACE comment was WAY OVER THE TOP!

The dangers of social media and married women can not be over-stated. Facebook alone has been the catalyst to thousands of breakups, divorces and family heartbreak. What starts off with a little innocent compliment, can easily turn into a full blown emotional affair in record time, and before you know it, both parties are claiming "It Just Happened."

I have no doubt that your actions were harmless Bernice, you probably would have been better off not saying anything to your H at all about the program. He obviously has some insecurity issues that he needs to work on. SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW??? Well, one of you is going to have to put their pride on the shelf and take the high road. Since you're the one looking for a solution, I think you should be the adult in the room.

REESTABLISH THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION...

You both could have handled this incident a little better, you should understand his concerns, but at the same time, he is going to have learn to trust you, and that both your places should be built upon a mutual respect and an understanding of BOUNDARIES. I'm sure others will be able to make some suggestions I may have overlooked, but overall, I think this is just a little something that escalated into a big something, but with a little bit of TLC, it can be fixed. Hope this helps! :)

Good Luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
wooow thanks guys, its always good to hear other people's views. am just not sure am ready to deal with the issue with him at present. I hope the weekend will help.
 

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wooow thanks guys, its always good to hear other people's views. am just not sure am ready to deal with the issue with him at present. I hope the weekend will help.
Bernice, let it blow over a little...then calmly bring it up with the stated premise that you want to make sure to know the boundaries for the future so you two can avoid these arguments in the future. :smthumbup:
 

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wooow thanks guys, its always good to hear other people's views. am just not sure am ready to deal with the issue with him at present. I hope the weekend will help.
I'm sure you'll find a way to break the ice Bernice. Sounds like you'll figure out a way to explain to your H, that this was just a little misunderstanding that went too far. Just reassure him that you understand his concerns, and that you'll try to be a little more careful with your status, but also remind him that he really has nothing to worry about. You should put something cute on your status just for your H. He'll come around, he loves you and he's just trying to protect his marriage, he just went a little overboard.

Good Luck :smthumbup:
 

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I would use this as a good way to discuss what each other thinks are proper boundaries in the marriage. It would be a helpful exercise if done properly and can strengthen the marriage and even help prevent temptations down the line.
 

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Your colleague could have seen the programme advertised somewhere which then triggered a thought of you due to previous conversations at work, such that he notifies you about the programme.


Or because the guy wants to get into your knickers after finding out about your interests while at work he could have told you about the programme as a way of fishing for you, starting up a social dialogue outside of working hours. Or he could have looked at anything you have on-line that informed him of your interests.


And it worked. Didn’t it. It worked because you posted “Peter you rock” on your status.


I am absolutely amazed at how seemingly naive some women are. Your H knows men. In some ways his jealousy is what will guard and protect your marriage from other men. It is in part what it’s there for. Most especially with naive wives.
 

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I don't know...If my wife posted a status about another man "rocking" I might not say anything but I would be a little disturbed.

Why not just send him the message? If you put that as your status all of your friends and probably his (including family) will see it and have no context as to why "peter rocks".

Telling you to be careful was very good advice.

Telling you to know your place was clearly said in anger...unless he's nuts.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
wow you guys are [email protected] i wouldn't have looked at it in that view at all and by the way did i mention that "Peter" is married... Anyway the weekend has passed and it seems the storm is calmer...
Somehow i am still hurt by the words that were spoken (not sure why). But we are talking again and last night as we were about to go to be i just felt so much anger towards him and just started crying...i guess i am still a bit emotional. i do need to get over it all. Thanks again team.
 
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