My partner and I have been together over 4 years minus 2 months.
We met, moved in together. and began a common-law marriage for 2 and a half years, at which point she requested a separation to deal with her sexual assault as a child through counselling. I didn't see why we needed to separate, but I reluctantly agreed and we both moved to 2 separate residences. (Something she orchestrated behind my back months before she told me she wanted to)
We continued to see each other almost daily at her request. She said that she loved me and requested that I support her through her counselling and issues to which I agreed.
Approx. 3 months into this arrangement she became distant, quick-tempered, defensive and most of all deceptive.
Whenever we would argue (most of which I felt were silly things that she would start) and take a few days apart to cool down, she began telling me of a girl-friend at work who thought that she should see other people and "expand her horizons". Many times I asked her if she wanted to do that, she said definately not. We also continued to have sex regularly at my place and go out as a couple.
So, time went by and she would talk of reuniting under one roof. Although I indicated that I was hoping for that, which she would agree to, there would never be a date set.
Well, after many further disagreements, her emotional distance began to grow. She would speak of situations at work that were obviously her discovering her sexuality and having interactions with men that were both boundary violations of our relationship and safety concerns. (Offering to jump into a new suppliers truck alone and ride to a job site with a man she had never met before, in spite of the fact that her car was steps away.) Nothing overt sexually, however. (This was when we were still living together) Total refusal to concede to any wrong-doing and I was just being "jealous & controlling" if I had an issue with it ... maybe I "needed counselling for MY issues".
Then came the biggie. After a particularly lengthy arguement that she started and then perpetuated despite my efforts to work it out, I sensed that her eyes were wandering to another specific man. Sure enough this "friend" that her girlfriend wanted her to meet, at some point before, she did meet and they went on a date .. while we were still in a serious relationship that she claimed to want (regular sex, her talk of moving back in together, frequent "I love you's" and future plans including frequent talk of marriage)
We had a long conversation, where I asked her many questions, as my suspicions were running high. She lied repeatedly as to the nature of meeting this person, how many times they had met, when they had first met, and whether we were broken up at the time etc.(We weren't .. she was just mad at me and figured "why not" .... her words) She confirmed my suspicions, but still angrily insisted that she did nothing wrong.. he was just a friend, and "nothing happened". Well, after all of her lies were revealed (I had a discussion with her girlfriend to confirm) I ended the relationship quite definatively leaving no doubt in her mind that we were through and why. Regardless of what she did or did not do with this "friend" , one thing she did was orchestrate a number of meetings with him behind my back, during which they got to know each other quite well, all of which she lied to me about until I presented her with proof that I was aware of it all.
We split for 2 months during which time she continued to see him and get to know him better throughout. She swears to me that absolutely nothing of a romantic or sexual nature developed between them at any time in spite of them speaking almost daily on the phone and getting together to "play guitars and talk" regularly.
Many things happened, I re-enetered the picture, with full approval from my counsellor and she expressed some remorse for many things that happened and said that she told him that she could not see him any more because she was getting back together with me. She said that "mistakes were made" and she was sorry she hurt me.
Sorry for the long lead-up, but here's my question now.
I am still looking for more definative closure on the issue from her and more of a commitment that this sort of thing will never happen again. We are married now. The subject is still VERY touchy with us 6 months later, and we had an arguement recently where she now said that I blew the whole thing out of proportion and that she expressed unfairness that she could no longer see him again as he was a "very nice and wise man" and besides "nothing ever happened between them".
Is it me, or is denying any wrongdoing in what is at the very least betrayal, lies and an emotional affair not exactly reassuring me that this sort of thing could easily happen again? Before I proposed, I made sure that she had genuine remorse and an understanding of how her behaviour had destroyed my faith and trust in her and our relationship and that she needed to rebuild it, all conditions that she eagerly agreed to.
I am trying to move past this all and I am having some success but I am also hesitant to discuss it with her further as as she says that I forgave her (which I did ... but before more evidence of further lies was uncovered) .. so she says that I should "get over it".
I am not trying to continue to torture or blame her, I am just looking for reassurance that this same situation will not reoccur in our marriage, and I think step one of that is to have her be totally transparent and stop with the displays of anger and exasperation whenever I don't appreciate her speaking of the time as a "positive growth period" for her, etc.
Thoughts are appreciated.
We met, moved in together. and began a common-law marriage for 2 and a half years, at which point she requested a separation to deal with her sexual assault as a child through counselling. I didn't see why we needed to separate, but I reluctantly agreed and we both moved to 2 separate residences. (Something she orchestrated behind my back months before she told me she wanted to)
We continued to see each other almost daily at her request. She said that she loved me and requested that I support her through her counselling and issues to which I agreed.
Approx. 3 months into this arrangement she became distant, quick-tempered, defensive and most of all deceptive.
Whenever we would argue (most of which I felt were silly things that she would start) and take a few days apart to cool down, she began telling me of a girl-friend at work who thought that she should see other people and "expand her horizons". Many times I asked her if she wanted to do that, she said definately not. We also continued to have sex regularly at my place and go out as a couple.
So, time went by and she would talk of reuniting under one roof. Although I indicated that I was hoping for that, which she would agree to, there would never be a date set.
Well, after many further disagreements, her emotional distance began to grow. She would speak of situations at work that were obviously her discovering her sexuality and having interactions with men that were both boundary violations of our relationship and safety concerns. (Offering to jump into a new suppliers truck alone and ride to a job site with a man she had never met before, in spite of the fact that her car was steps away.) Nothing overt sexually, however. (This was when we were still living together) Total refusal to concede to any wrong-doing and I was just being "jealous & controlling" if I had an issue with it ... maybe I "needed counselling for MY issues".
Then came the biggie. After a particularly lengthy arguement that she started and then perpetuated despite my efforts to work it out, I sensed that her eyes were wandering to another specific man. Sure enough this "friend" that her girlfriend wanted her to meet, at some point before, she did meet and they went on a date .. while we were still in a serious relationship that she claimed to want (regular sex, her talk of moving back in together, frequent "I love you's" and future plans including frequent talk of marriage)
We had a long conversation, where I asked her many questions, as my suspicions were running high. She lied repeatedly as to the nature of meeting this person, how many times they had met, when they had first met, and whether we were broken up at the time etc.(We weren't .. she was just mad at me and figured "why not" .... her words) She confirmed my suspicions, but still angrily insisted that she did nothing wrong.. he was just a friend, and "nothing happened". Well, after all of her lies were revealed (I had a discussion with her girlfriend to confirm) I ended the relationship quite definatively leaving no doubt in her mind that we were through and why. Regardless of what she did or did not do with this "friend" , one thing she did was orchestrate a number of meetings with him behind my back, during which they got to know each other quite well, all of which she lied to me about until I presented her with proof that I was aware of it all.
We split for 2 months during which time she continued to see him and get to know him better throughout. She swears to me that absolutely nothing of a romantic or sexual nature developed between them at any time in spite of them speaking almost daily on the phone and getting together to "play guitars and talk" regularly.
Many things happened, I re-enetered the picture, with full approval from my counsellor and she expressed some remorse for many things that happened and said that she told him that she could not see him any more because she was getting back together with me. She said that "mistakes were made" and she was sorry she hurt me.
Sorry for the long lead-up, but here's my question now.
I am still looking for more definative closure on the issue from her and more of a commitment that this sort of thing will never happen again. We are married now. The subject is still VERY touchy with us 6 months later, and we had an arguement recently where she now said that I blew the whole thing out of proportion and that she expressed unfairness that she could no longer see him again as he was a "very nice and wise man" and besides "nothing ever happened between them".
Is it me, or is denying any wrongdoing in what is at the very least betrayal, lies and an emotional affair not exactly reassuring me that this sort of thing could easily happen again? Before I proposed, I made sure that she had genuine remorse and an understanding of how her behaviour had destroyed my faith and trust in her and our relationship and that she needed to rebuild it, all conditions that she eagerly agreed to.
I am trying to move past this all and I am having some success but I am also hesitant to discuss it with her further as as she says that I forgave her (which I did ... but before more evidence of further lies was uncovered) .. so she says that I should "get over it".
I am not trying to continue to torture or blame her, I am just looking for reassurance that this same situation will not reoccur in our marriage, and I think step one of that is to have her be totally transparent and stop with the displays of anger and exasperation whenever I don't appreciate her speaking of the time as a "positive growth period" for her, etc.
Thoughts are appreciated.