[markster]

My partner and I have been together over 4 years minus 2 months.

We met, moved in together. and began a common-law marriage for 2 and a half years, at which point she requested a separation to deal with her sexual assault as a child through counselling. I didn't see why we needed to separate, but I reluctantly agreed and we both moved to 2 separate residences. (Something she orchestrated behind my back months before she told me she wanted to)

We continued to see each other almost daily at her request. She said that she loved me and requested that I support her through her counselling and issues to which I agreed.

Approx. 3 months into this arrangement she became distant, quick-tempered, defensive and most of all deceptive.

Whenever we would argue (most of which I felt were silly things that she would start) and take a few days apart to cool down, she began telling me of a girl-friend at work who thought that she should see other people and "expand her horizons". Many times I asked her if she wanted to do that, she said definately not. We also continued to have sex regularly at my place and go out as a couple.

So, time went by and she would talk of reuniting under one roof. Although I indicated that I was hoping for that, which she would agree to, there would never be a date set.

Well, after many further disagreements, her emotional distance began to grow. She would speak of situations at work that were obviously her discovering her sexuality and having interactions with men that were both boundary violations of our relationship and safety concerns. (Offering to jump into a new suppliers truck alone and ride to a job site with a man she had never met before, in spite of the fact that her car was steps away.) Nothing overt sexually, however. (This was when we were still living together) Total refusal to concede to any wrong-doing and I was just being "jealous & controlling" if I had an issue with it ... maybe I "needed counselling for MY issues".

Then came the biggie. After a particularly lengthy arguement that she started and then perpetuated despite my efforts to work it out, I sensed that her eyes were wandering to another specific man. Sure enough this "friend" that her girlfriend wanted her to meet, at some point before, she did meet and they went on a date .. while we were still in a serious relationship that she claimed to want (regular sex, her talk of moving back in together, frequent "I love you's" and future plans including frequent talk of marriage)

We had a long conversation, where I asked her many questions, as my suspicions were running high. She lied repeatedly as to the nature of meeting this person, how many times they had met, when they had first met, and whether we were broken up at the time etc.(We weren't .. she was just mad at me and figured "why not" .... her words) She confirmed my suspicions, but still angrily insisted that she did nothing wrong.. he was just a friend, and "nothing happened". Well, after all of her lies were revealed (I had a discussion with her girlfriend to confirm) I ended the relationship quite definatively leaving no doubt in her mind that we were through and why. Regardless of what she did or did not do with this "friend" , one thing she did was orchestrate a number of meetings with him behind my back, during which they got to know each other quite well, all of which she lied to me about until I presented her with proof that I was aware of it all.

We split for 2 months during which time she continued to see him and get to know him better throughout. She swears to me that absolutely nothing of a romantic or sexual nature developed between them at any time in spite of them speaking almost daily on the phone and getting together to "play guitars and talk" regularly.

Many things happened, I re-enetered the picture, with full approval from my counsellor and she expressed some remorse for many things that happened and said that she told him that she could not see him any more because she was getting back together with me. She said that "mistakes were made" and she was sorry she hurt me.

Sorry for the long lead-up, but here's my question now.

I am still looking for more definative closure on the issue from her and more of a commitment that this sort of thing will never happen again. We are married now. The subject is still VERY touchy with us 6 months later, and we had an arguement recently where she now said that I blew the whole thing out of proportion and that she expressed unfairness that she could no longer see him again as he was a "very nice and wise man" and besides "nothing ever happened between them".

Is it me, or is denying any wrongdoing in what is at the very least betrayal, lies and an emotional affair not exactly reassuring me that this sort of thing could easily happen again? Before I proposed, I made sure that she had genuine remorse and an understanding of how her behaviour had destroyed my faith and trust in her and our relationship and that she needed to rebuild it, all conditions that she eagerly agreed to.

I am trying to move past this all and I am having some success but I am also hesitant to discuss it with her further as as she says that I forgave her (which I did ... but before more evidence of further lies was uncovered) .. so she says that I should "get over it".

I am not trying to continue to torture or blame her, I am just looking for reassurance that this same situation will not reoccur in our marriage, and I think step one of that is to have her be totally transparent and stop with the displays of anger and exasperation whenever I don't appreciate her speaking of the time as a "positive growth period" for her, etc.

Thoughts are appreciated.

 

[shecheatedVA]

She saying Get Over It doesn't indicate any remorse. She doesn't seem to acknowledge out right what did was wrong and she crossed the line. I would almost be 100% certain that either during the time she said she was just talking but definitely during your breakup, she had physical relations with this man. The fact she still continues to say he is nice and she'd like a relationship with him is another indicator of her lack of remorse and the fact they are continuing their affair behind your back. You said she had some remorse but not [email protected] out crying, reiterating how sorry she is, how wrong she was, etc. She cheated so it's well within your right until your completely over it, to continue to ask her for any information or detail about the affair. She has to be completely transparent and open with you.

You guys just began your marriage. I'd take a serious look and ask all the hard questions not only to yourself but to her, before you realize you've wasted a big chunk of your life being with a woman who doesn't share the same values as you do. Good luck.

 

[bandit.45]

Get an annulment before your first year is up.

She is a cheater...and unrepentant cheater who cares nothing about your feelings. Step back, separate yourself from your emotions, and objectively look at her behaviour towards you.

She is not wife material.
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[Ovid]

You seriously need out. There are red flags all over your post, and not for just one A.

You are her security while she plays the field.

 

[the guy]

I see alot of boundry issues here.

Talks is cheap, she needs to take action and address the lack of boundries she has. You haven't mention one thing about her learning the tools to affair proof her new marriage.

From were I'm sitting, in about 5-7 years she will innocently start up a friendship with a male "friend" and it will take weeks (maybe months, depends how vunarable she is) for the OM to go from the friend zone to getting to 1st base, then before you know it you will hear "I didn't mean it to happen"....

In short she has done nothing to learn the tools that will teach her how slipery of a slope is when in a commited relationship and having oppisite sex friends. I mean you know she has the capacity to lie, yet you still married her by taking her word (you took the word from a lier).

Keep your eye out brother, she isn't done yet! She hasn't faced her issues and until she does, your marriage is in danger.

 

[giashasa2012]

NO CHILDREN + CHEATER = DIVORCE

Run and don't look back .

 

[Shaggy]

I'm trying to understand the story.

You were together for 2 years.

She demands a "break" so she can work on her sexual abuse issues.

during that break, she doesn't seem to work on any issues, but instead she dates other men, one in particular.

you get told the old lie of "just friends"

when you finally clue in a dump her for her lies, she ends her "friendship" eventually and you get back together?


OR to write all this another way.

You dated for 2 years. She wants a break so she can date others. She finds and dates one guy in particular. You dump her for cheating. Eventually the guy she's cheating with doesn't work out, so she dumps him an comes back to you.

Now your finding it hard to feel the same trust, love, and passion for her because your seeing what she deliberately chose to do as cold and showing that she saw you as plan B, and wanted to see if there could be some better plan A around.


AND now she want to start back up the relationship with the OM that she cheated with.

 

[markster]

Actually, during the break, she began counselling for her sexual abuse, some of which explored boundary issues of many types.

You are all right, she has(d) boundary issues. She insists that she is aware of them and has dealt with them. Not entirely sure how, but she has made several statements since where she clearly identifies boundary situations of other types, where she sees problems in others behaviour ... but not in hers.

I left some things out just to keep from writing a novel instead of a post, but I essentially came to the same conclusion as Shaggy awhile ago. She threw up a big smoke screen as to why the initial break up had to occur (issues with sexual abuse), and although I doubt seeing other people was her primary reason .. I have no doubt that it eventually occurred to her that it was a fringe benefit and our separate residences and periods of days without communication made it all the more easy.

As for your "writing it another way", I say that it is a pretty bang on
assessment of the situation.

She has not said she wants to start up the relationship, just that while we were discussing (arguing) it, she expressed resentment at no longer being able to see him "as a friend", even though she ended the "friendship" of her own accord a few months earlier and made sure to tell me that she had ... obviously realizing that I wouldn't have touched her with a ten foot pole had she not.

We have started actively working together with material from a very good website called marriagebuilders.com. She has not resisted this work and even has suggested that we continue to explore some of the concepts on the site, which I find encouraging. We are just about to explore the section on honesty, openness and infidelity (how to protect against) so that could prove to be a tricky topic but I am determined to work through it with her and see if that opens some doors to honest discussion.

As for the definition of "Trickle-Truth" (found elsewhere on this site) .. this describes her with stunning accuracy ... only revealing as much as she thinks I already know to come across as honest & truthful, but I have a strong suspicion that there is more to it than she would like me to know. I know a big reason that she does not like to discuss the events of the past is that she tends to eventually catch herself up in the lies that she told previously.

Thanks for all of your replies.

 

[markster]

You seriously need out. There are red flags all over your post, and not for just one A.

You are her security while she plays the field.

I want to save my marriage and this relationship with her, although, I will say, to rewrite your response ...

More accurately. I am her security until I say something that she doesn't like which she then believes will justify her to play the field again.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

I don't see any indication in your post that she's truly back with you. Nothing has changed, except you returned and apparently are condoning the status quo. I would expect more cheating as a direct consequence of your apathy. If you don't enforce boundaries, who will?

 

[markster]

I don't see any indication in your post that she's truly back with you. Nothing has changed, except you returned and apparently are condoning the status quo. I would expect more cheating as a direct consequence of your apathy. If you don't enforce boundaries, who will?

I hear what you are saying. you are correct. I am in the process of enforcing boundaries, which I had many times in the past, but she neglected to tell me (lied) that only one of us was working on the relationship (me) while she began to look around and eventually find her plan B, at which point getting along with me began to look less appealing.


Thanks for your feedback.

 

[walkonmars]

No offense Mark but you ARE the plan B.

 

[aug]

No offense Mark but you ARE the plan B.

Yes. This.

 

[CH]

I want to save my marriage and this relationship with her, although, I will say, to rewrite your response ...

More accurately. I am her security until I say something that she doesn't like which she then believes will justify her to play the field again.

You know this and you went back for seconds??? BTW, that is not a marriage, so IMO there isn't anything to save right now.

 

[Jonesey]

(Something she orchestrated behind my back months before she told me she wanted to)

This and "dating" another man.And claiming nothing happened

Oh well

 

[ShootMePlz!]

Sorry but this has DISASTER written all over it.

It reminds me of that story of a man in a dingy/boat in the middle of the ocean trying to keep his boat(GF)stay afloat. But the boat keeps springing holes flooding the boat....when he plugs one hole, two other ones pop up. :scratchhead:

 

[OldWolf57]

All she is learning thru marriage builders is how to hide better. You actually took the word of a lier that nothing happened, after months of hiding the meetings, then dating him during the breakup.

Ok, pay attention, "YOU are in the BS fog".

That's the only reason I can see for you to ACTUALLY marry this woman.

If I was you, I would FIRE the IC. This person let's you talk, until they find what you want, then help you accept how to get it.

You are the plan b man. Do you really think you got the real lowdown on the meets with other guys, before the break ??
Why even bring them up?? TO TEST YOUR RESPONSE.
She was setting the stage for the separation. Of course you STILL don't believe it, but she was getting ready to bang other guys.
During those arguements blackouts is when she spent the night with him.
She didn't want you calling or coming around.

I TRULY hope you are starting to see how well you have been played.

OH, she came back, bc he dumped her, or wouldn't commit.
Even so, she is STILL stuck on him. She wants to still see him. Thats so she can show him she can be happy without him. But I bet, he would be hitting it in no time.

You want to settle this some ??

ASK FOR A POLYGRAPH

How can you as a grown man believe she went thru all this just for a friendship??
How can you marry a woman who won't admit she was wrong an come COMPLETELY clean ???
How can you marry a woman who see NOTHING wrong with what she did ??

Annulment man.

 

[warlock07]

Would you leave her if she had a physical affair ? Why don't you contact this guy ?

 

[MattMatt]

"MMM-MMM! Delicious cake!" she said.

She is a cake eater. Just get over it. Oh! But wait! She said nothing happened! So what, exactly, does she think you need to 'just get over'?:scratchhead:

Did her therapist really tell her you separate from you? If so, did she lie to the therapist about you?

 

[bandit.45]

I hear what you are saying. you are correct. I am in the process of enforcing boundaries, which I had many times in the past, but she neglected to tell me (lied) that only one of us was working on the relationship (me) while she began to look around and eventually find her plan B, at which point getting along with me began to look less appealing.


Thanks for your feedback.

Hate to tell you this....

YOU are her plan B.

Man you need to wake up.