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How do I get over this fear!

3909 Views 34 Replies 10 Participants Last post by  Chuck71
Can't believe it's over journal--Changed from How do I get over this fear!

I have good and bad days, I have come to terms with getting a divorce. I will have to file because he doesn't care if he is married. He lives the single life. A piece of paper tying him to me means nothing to him. I have cut all contact with him.

I need help with this overwhelming fear I have of going ANY where, I am so scared I will see him or his family. We live in a really small town. I am tired of feeling this way. :confused:

Here is a copy of my story:
short version of a long story..been married to my husband for 5 years together for 7. No children together. we were best friends and lovers. Never any major problems. One day he comes home and says he isn't in love with me any more. He still loves me, but not as much as when we got married. He was packed and gone in a hour. I didn't have any contact with him for about 40 days. Then his mom was in a bad wreck and he needed me to pick his kids up from school. So now I have been talking to him daily for the past week. I love him and didn't want this separation. I found out that he started seeing someone 2 weeks after he left. This woman was killed in the car wreck his mom was in. Now he keeps telling me I am still his best friend and needs someone to talk to about his feelings from the wreck. He knows I love him and would take him back in a second. He keeps telling me he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me or not, but if I stop talking to him (I told him it was to painful to talk to him) he won't be able to decide if he wants me or not. He says it's a 50/50 chance! I am loosing my mind. I have read the 180 and I starting trying to follow it today. How do I stop loving him and praying for him to come back. Yes I am in therapy.
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Getting your story all written down and journaled so you can see it really helps you look at things from a different perspective. When you re-read what you wrote earlier in a different emotional state you'll be more clear-headed in your decisions. After that exercise focus on what you tell yourself you can't do without him and stop defending those thoughts. You can go on without him and you are a great person. It was his decision to cheat and leave because HE had low self-esteem.

Now you're unsure about his true intentions, does he want you because she died or does he really love you. No one but you can tell you, but you can decide for yourself by taking things slowly and pulling back as much as you can. Keep pulling back and focusing on you for right now. If he is willing to wait and understands your hurt and having hard time trusting him then I don't see any reason you can't reconcile in time.
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I have decided not to be with him, even if he wanted me back.(which I don't know, because I told him not to contact me). Even if we got back together, we would probably be right back here some time in the future. I can't go through this again. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again for the first several weeks. I can now "function", as long as I don't have to leave my house. Don't get me wrong, the fear of leaving is getting better than it was. At first I had panic attacks that left me paralyzed with fear. Now I can leave, but only if I really need to, but the entire time I am gone, I stare straight ahead (as much as possible) and try to look happy. I just want my life back, I used to be so sure of myself, never really had any fears. My daughter wants to go to the fair this weekend and I am freaking out that I will see him or his family. I am stronger than this, I know I am, I just need to find my strength again. I am on the verge on a full blown panic attack just thinking about taking her to the fair! Please someone slap me and set me straight! I gave my ex enough of my life, I don't want to give him any more, not when he will just spit on it.
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I am having a bad day. I want to talk to him so bad. I can't stop crying all of a sudden. UGH I hate this crap.
I am having a bad day. I want to talk to him so bad. I can't stop crying all of a sudden. UGH I hate this crap. is just crap....

crying is might not cry tomorrow ok...
let it out....

and then do something for you...just a little thing.

hugs x
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thanks! My daughter is spending the night with STBXH and his kids. I sent STBXH a message making sure it was okay for my daughter to stay over and I never got a reply. It hurts that he didn't reply. So I messaged my step daughter and she called and told me her dad knew and it was fine. I hate feeling this way, I want to live a semi-happy life again. I am tired of him living rent free in my head.
don't message him at all atm. it'll number one-make you stronger..and number two-generally make him curious.

If you have to regarding your daughter-keep it nice but blunt. If he doesn't respond-email me and I'll tell you 'bad husband jokes' and at least get you smiling *winks.

you're doing really well even if you feel like you're walking on an earthquake x
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If he doesn't respond-email me and I'll tell you 'bad husband jokes' and at least get you smiling *winks.

Thanks LOL
no worries poppett...

guess what.

we are going to be ok

you hear me?

ok I fell off the wagon and bumped my head LOL. He texted me today and I couldn't text back so I called him! Now we have a midnight session set up for tonight and we are messaging back and forth. He wants to start talking and try to work things out very slowly. He will continue to live at his moms. He will NOT go to MC with me. He doesn't like talking about personal stuff to other people. He wants him and I to sit down and talk. UGH I am so confused I don't know what to do at this point. Is he being sincere? Or does he just want a booty call? What do I do? If I get back with him my family will disown me. There is a lot of bad blood there now. Was fine until we split up and they are mad at how he handled things. He was bragging a few days after we broke up that he was dating another lady and look how pretty and skinny she is. HELP!! Just this morning I still said I would not go back with him. But now I don't know. He is very smooth he is good at saying the right thing at the right time.
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whats a midnight session?
do NOT shag him
bad move
<<<He was bragging a few days after we broke up that he was dating another lady and look how pretty and skinny she is.<<<

re-read that

actions/not words/ he has some work to do if he's serious.. im sure in here youll find threads on it. How long has he been gone for?
He has been gone 82 days 4 hours and 44 minutes as of 9:44 pm est.
Ok, so he came over, we did our thing and then we talked about neutral stuff, not us. He asked me to text him the next day, I did and got a response after hours of texting him. He was busy sleeping then later that afternoon get was busy taking his mom to the Dr. I'm an idiot. But it was nice spending time together. Could we just be friends with benefits? Could my heart stand it. I need to do the 180 again and stop texting him.
I hope "did our thing" isn't what I think it is. I mean, I'm sure I'd be weak given that opportunity with the X as well, but it can't be healthy for the healing/moving on part.

No I don't think you can be just friends with benefits. Guys are better able to separate sex from love, but I think continuing to sleep together would just keep you tied to him and give him what he wants while you don't get what you NEED in return. It is a very unfair proposition.

You deserve more.
I hope "did our thing" isn't what I think it is.

You deserve more.

Yes it is what you are thinking. Now I feel like I am stalking him, I keep sending messages and get nervous when I don't hear back from him. I know he is busy with his mom. I know we are not good together, I KNOW THIS, but dang I can't stop wanting to be with him. He is like a drug to me. I have decided that I will NOT contact him again, I will let him make all the effort. He says he wants to talk and work it out, so I will let him do the work. He left me not the other way around.
Ok, He hasn't sent me a text since he replied to mine early this morning. I am so upset with myself, why do I do this to myself. I know how he is, he will tell me what I want to hear just to get what he wants. He is very sweet and loving when he wants something, but then he ignores me when he doesn't need me. He will have a good reason for not talking to me today. But it will just be an excuse, if he truly wants to work it out he would do whatever was needed to contact me. I think he wants me and a single life. I decided to start a CNA class on Monday for the next 4 weeks. I have to get out of this house. I have worked from home for the past couple of years and I am sick of being inside 24/7. I know I won't run into any of his family at a CNA class(well hopefully). I gave up all my friends to be with him. He was very jealous in the beginning, it was easy to stop talking to them. I need to get out to socialize with people.
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listen darling....

he's not going to miss you or make up his mind until you become chaseable (is that a word?)

have to up the anti here and by not being his doormat ...he'll start getting very curious...

dont answerr if he calls next time...DO NOT TEXT HIM....STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE!!!

and watch what happens..... be strong , have self respect,

got it? mwahs
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180 is really about making right with being by yourself. If you want to move past this situation you really need to ask yourself if you are wanting him back to have things as they were or if it's that you don't want to be alone in general.

Things will never be the way they were, the relationship will be new, he will be different. Honestly though reading what you've written here I don't see the alure to him.

He only really started working towards talking after his affair ended, by death. His most reassurring words have been "I can give you a chance 50/50." It basically sounds like you're letting yourself get used by a guy who's made a clear and decisive choice. He's choosing everything else over you.

Stop worrying about running into his family, he was the one in the affair. You have nothing to be afraid of. I'd run and not look back, the guy is operating on different level as far as morals are concerned. His outright decline to MC just screams he doesn't care. It doesn't matter if he doesn't like to share feelings, it's not even about his as much as it's a gesture he's willing to hear you out and get 3rd party perspective.

Sorry to hear you're in this place in your life. He's not in any rush to make positive change, I wouldn't be in any rush to be there at his beck and call.

Wishing you well and hope you find peace!
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I love this site and the people on it. Thanks so much for the GREAT advice! I really needed to hear this stuff. I also really need to follow this advice. I am starting the CNA class to get out of the house and around other people, start a new circle of friends that I don't share with him.
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Keep in mind you may feel like his Plan A right now but may be dropped to Plan B if someone else comes along. Stick to your guns, he seems to know exactly what buttons to push. Take back your buttons.
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