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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Well first of i'm new, so hello.
Well i want to give some information before i really get down to the core issues.
I have been married about 2 1/2 years to my husband, but we've actually been together for about 5 years striaght now. (we dated when we were younger, and i was a complete nut job(former abusive relationships made me so), honestly, and my father passed away and i completely had a melt-down (only child daddys girl) and dumped him and had a lesbian relationship, tried to commit suicide, but through much medication, and a couple years of therapy, i am actually NORMAL. yes i still get a little more depressed than the average person, and i can be a ***** but for the most part i'm a pretty normal woman.)
I have always had self-worth/ self-esteem issues due to my mother whom i've never had a great relationship with. Ex's who treated me very degradingly and had violent relationships with didn't help either. I've basically been told most of my life "i'm not good enough." and for a long time i believed it.
After my father died i really had a year where i went completely wild, (not so much sexually as just everything, drugs, alcohol, i just wanted to be 'wrecked' i felt i was broken and couldn't be fixed so lets see how far we can go.)
In 2007 i dumped the "user" lesbian girlfriend (she only was around because i had money from my father's settlement) i just didn't care enough about myself to get rid of her until then. I got a job and started reconnecting with some great friends i'd not seen in a couple years. My ex (my current husband) had just broke up with his g/f of a year (he caught her cheating on him with an online relationship on WoW-world of warcraft). Our mutual old friend back from Iraq invited us all out and we ended up reconnecting over drinks. Within about 2 months we were living together again. 3 years later we were married, and in a MUCH healthier state in life. (a little more mature i'm sure also.) He's always known my issues and my past, and like-wise me his. He knows i can over-react and that i have VERY big self-worth issues.

To note, in the past my stance on porn was that it wasn't cheating but it did give you the same "feelings" as somoeone who cheated, i dumped an ex over his porn additction (self-addmited addiction). It was very invasive to our relationship, he would watch it 3-4 times a day before and after we had sex, he couldn't perform with me in bed only if he was watching porn. That relationship i could not handle, i already felt "not good enough" much less competeing with hollywood *****s.
My current stance on porn, is that i don't care if people watch it (including myself, or my partner) so long as it is a LAST resort. If you have attempted to get me "aroused" and i'm not interested, fine go wank off. But Don'T let me SEE IT/hear it!

Now flash forward to 3 days ago.
I woke up early (my husband was supposed to wake me as i had several things to do.) came through the house to go to the bathroom and he hit the wrong button on the xbox and his porn came up. Instantly i felt the phsycal feeling to throw up..
Did i know my husband watched porn? Yes.
Do i have a BIG problem with it? Not really... i just don't want to know about it, it should be such a minimal part of our lives that i never see it. (LAST RESORT).
I think what really hurt me the most was the fact that i suddenly started realizing all the excuses he'd been making JUST TO WATCH PORN. I paint (artist) for a living, and sometimes if the mood strikes i'll paint till the wee hours of the morning, if i fell asleep on the couch he'd get MAD at me and tell me to go to bed, when he woke up. If i just went ahead and got up he'd seem MORE irritated. I didn't understand what the big deal was. Looking back i relate those incedents with him being MAD he couldn't watch porn, because i was in the room. Likewise, he would try to say "you should come to bed with me, i wanna cuddle with you" and when i get to the bedroom he rolls over and goes to sleep, no cuddling. But he jolts out of bed early (of what i had assumed was to play Halo or some stupid game on the xbox with his friends) of which NOW i realize was all a FAKE excuse so he could have private time with the SEXBOX. I feel so betrayed. NOT because of the Porn, but because of his actions to GET TO THE PORN. There isn't a day on the calender of 2013 that he can say he TOUCHED my vagina. (i get more pleasure externally) the 2-3 times we might have had sex is ALWAYS initiated with a blowjob, and if it does lead to actual intercorse it's over in 2 minutes, of which he feels NO need to attempt receprication.
All i can think about now is "how many times has he turned me down to literally go "**** himself" to the *****s on the xbox?" I didn't speak to him the day i caught him. Then the day after i asked him if he was "fine with the situation or did he want to talk" he said "i was waiting on you, since you're the one upset." (with a smirk no less) so that i wouldn't yell and blow up and throw the xbox across the street i said. "If you think i'm the only one with a problem, maybe now isn't the time to talk." We haven't spoken since then. (today is day 3). If he thinks it's FUNNY and has NO GIVE A **** what so ever that i'm crying and feeling unwanted, unsatisfied, and betrayed why should i even bother? If he's waiting for me to "get over it" without any effort on his part, should we just end our marriage? Because for me their isn't any "getting over it".
Once again i will be very clear. I'm not AGAINST porn, if i am horny and he's at work and he doesn't get off for 4-5 more hours, i've watched porn and masturbated. However, If it's 10 minutes before he gets off i might watch just a little, enough to arouse me and try to seduce him. Sometimes he complies, but once again it's usually over in 2 seconds, and he just pulls his junk out like i'm supposed to be "excited" by that, and he feels NO desire or need to recepricate, so once again i'm left finishing myself off, which he doesn't even care.
Am i in the wrong here? I mean i am willing to try pretty much any position, any kinda foreplay, i'm okay with bondage and a little spankin', i'm okay with making videos and taking photos, i mean i'm not a prude by any means (only rule is no anal, but he doesn't even watch anal porn, he mostly, but not always watches blowjob porn, which is even weirder to me, and makes me feel like he wants to see someone else's face instead of mine.)
I just don't know what to do, I go from being completely depressed and crying when he's not home, to just emotionally numb and don't care what happens to our relationship. He has made ZERO effort in those 3 days to talk to me. It's as-if i could pack up and leave and he'd be fine with that so long as he could get back to the xbox to watch porn. I feel unloved, unattractive, and unwanted. Any advice would be helpful, but please be constructive
 

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You both sound incompatible to me. Not much will fix that.

He's fine with the way things are, it works for him. He gets sex with you when he wants it, and he sexes himself in between that.

I'm sure he thinks theres nothing wrong with that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
You seem to miss the point. He doesn't "sex himself inbetween that" he sexes himself "instead" of with me. Wow. i guess i figured a discussion board for "marriage" would have a little more "constructive criticism" other than "incompatible" and "not much will fix that". I guess the last 5 years has been a waste of time then... >.<.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Do you have children together?

My answer is different based on the answer to that question.
We do not have children (though for me an answer should be the same reguardless). We want children but after 2 years of "active trying" kinda just said screw it and decided "if it happens it happens." (he doesn't want to get tested, because he says it doesn't matter "who's fault" it is.)
 

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You seem to miss the point. He doesn't "sex himself inbetween that" he sexes himself "instead" of with me. Wow. i guess i figured a discussion board for "marriage" would have a little more "constructive criticism" other than "incompatible" and "not much will fix that". I guess the last 5 years has been a waste of time then... >.<.
If he's replacing sex with you with porn it's wrong. The point I'm trying to make here is that you can ask him NOT to do that, but has that worked? You can change what YOU do, not what he's doing. He has to want to. It doesn't sound like it.

I'm sorry if you find my responses blunt, but from where I sit, you sound like you want something he won't give you. It's going to be up to you to resolve this within yourself. Maybe he needs help. Maybe he has an addiction. Either way, it's help YOU can't give him. He has to recognize the problem and take steps to do something about it.
 

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Door mouse said:To note, in the past my stance on porn was that it wasn't cheating but it did give you the same "feelings" as somoeone who cheated, i dumped an ex over his porn additction (self-addmited addiction). It was very invasive to our relationship, he would watch it 3-4 times a day before and after we had sex, he couldn't perform with me in bed only if he was watching porn. That relationship i could not handle, i already felt "not good enough" much less competeing with hollywood *****s.
If this is the stance you took with your ex, why is it different this time?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
If he's replacing sex with you with porn it's wrong. The point I'm trying to make here is that you can ask him NOT to do that, but has that worked? You can change what YOU do, not what he's doing. He has to want to. It doesn't sound like it.

I'm sorry if you find my responses blunt, but from where I sit, you sound like you want something he won't give you. It's going to be up to you to resolve this within yourself. Maybe he needs help. Maybe he has an addiction. Either way, it's help YOU can't give him. He has to recognize the problem and take steps to do something about it.
Well at least that makes a little more sense to me lol. Just "give up" doesn't really seem like the right option. I have NOT asked him to "give it up" because like i said i don't feel it's wrong, it's only wrong if he perfers it over me. If that is the case then yes he can stop/slow down on it or lose me. I just hope he cares enough to try. If he hasn't bothered to give a crap about having a conversation about it by friday i will be bringing it up. I try really hard these days NOT to fly off the handle (as that was my past reactions, and i've greatly overcome them) i try to really rationalize if i have a RIGHT to feel what i feel, because i've been told so many times in the past i don't, and i'm over-reacting. Its easy to convince me that i'm the problem, and that i'm the crazy one... because i believed that so many years. Now that i have a little self-respect it's much harder to deny logic. If he won't/can't fix replacing real sex with sexbox, then of course we'd come to that juncture, but currently i'm hoping it doesn't come to that. Thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
If this is the stance you took with your ex, why is it different this time?
Because in the past i had MUCh much less, "self-worth" and just the thought of someone looking at another naked woman offended me. But i Do it. I look at porn, so how can i assume that what *I* feel when *i* watch it is any different than what a man might feel? When i watch porn it's to become aroused, and get off. When i turn it off i couldn't tell you what color hair the guy or girl had or any of that. I don't care about those people, it's only the act that counts upon arousal. I'm sure men feel the same way (at least some). So i've become more confident that i am worthy of a sex life, and i'm not bad at it either. With my ex, he couldn't even GET off with me, only with porn, it made it much worse than now. When my husband and i do have sex he does get off. It's only within the past 2-3 months that he's been very neglectful of me. It's not like it's lasted our entire relationship or even our marriage. I understand getting lazy in marriage, but jeez common. I am very sexual, and i have needs as well. We shouldn't BOTH be turning to porn for release, if we just make it on the same page we can both be happy. I just don't want to be second fiddle to it. That's why his reaction is upsetting. If he wants more sex, he KNOWS he can ask.
 

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Door mouse said: It's only within the past 2-3 months that he's been very neglectful of me. It's not like it's lasted our entire relationship or even our marriage
Now the question becomes, how long will you allow it to continue? Remember he sees this as your problem. You did come to him with how you felt and he dismissed you.
 

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I would put the having kids plan on hold until this is resolved one way or another.

For the sex:
Ask him if he wants to roll play a scene from a porno. Then do it. Tell him what you want in bed, be direct. He might be turned on if you have not done this in the past, or are passive. If you are comfortable with it, make your own porno with him. Then he can watch you.

I know its hard to openly talk about it with him, but he needs to know you feel replaced by his use of porn.
 

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There's a difference between liking porn and being addicted to porn. Your H is addicted. You seem to be backing off this porn thing because you're OK with porn, but he has crossed the line. I'm OK with drinking, too, but I'm not OK with someone being an alcoholic and letting is rule their lives. That's what your husband is doing.

If your husband is willing to recognize that he has a problem, although it is noble for you to not want to give up, if he can't/wont change himself, and you can't change yourself to accept this horrible selfish behavior, then you will have to give up on this marriage. This marriage doesn't seem good for you at all. Sorry if you're so disappointed in my opinion that this discussion board is letting you down.

Wow. i guess i figured a discussion board for "marriage" would have a little more "constructive criticism" other than "incompatible" and "not much will fix that". I guess the last 5 years has been a waste of time then... >.<.
People here are just trying to help. There's no need to put anyone down here because you're not getting advice that you want to hear from the 2 people who responded, so you're dissing the forum.
 

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i try to really rationalize if i have a RIGHT to feel what i feel, because i've been told so many times in the past i don't, and i'm over-reacting. Its easy to convince me that i'm the problem, and that i'm the crazy one... because i believed that so many years.
I just want to say that you DO have the RIGHT to feel the way you feel. You are not the problem, he is.

Any man that would:
1. Rather have sex with himself than his wife,
2. Does not care if his wife is satisfied with her sex life and does nothing to please her in the bedroom,
3. Lies to her about his needs and desires (Telling you to go to bed so he can rub one out instead of having sex with you)

is a very selfish person who does not value you.

You need to tell him that how you feel unwanted, unloved, and so forth. If he is not genuinely apologetic and willing to make changes, start the 180 on him and decide for yourself if this is a relationship you want to be in.

[URL="http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180"[/URL]
 

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Well at least that makes a little more sense to me lol. Just "give up" doesn't really seem like the right option. I have NOT asked him to "give it up" because like i said i don't feel it's wrong, it's only wrong if he perfers it over me. If that is the case then yes he can stop/slow down on it or lose me. I just hope he cares enough to try. If he hasn't bothered to give a crap about having a conversation about it by friday i will be bringing it up. I try really hard these days NOT to fly off the handle (as that was my past reactions, and i've greatly overcome them) i try to really rationalize if i have a RIGHT to feel what i feel, because i've been told so many times in the past i don't, and i'm over-reacting. Its easy to convince me that i'm the problem, and that i'm the crazy one... because i believed that so many years. Now that i have a little self-respect it's much harder to deny logic. If he won't/can't fix replacing real sex with sexbox, then of course we'd come to that juncture, but currently i'm hoping it doesn't come to that. Thanks.
I think this is what you should calmly say to him when you talk. Then explain as you have here how it makes you feel, all of your feelings including the problem with your sex life and how his use of porn is contributing to the problem. Try not to blame or critsize him personally. Focus on the action (porn) and inaction (leaving you unsatisfied) and your thoughts and feelings about it.

Your feelings are your feelings whatever they are. Nobody can tell you they are wrong or not to feel them.
 

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I'm so glad to hear you feel more confident and value yourself more these days.

I hate to say it, but I think you would benefit from continuing to find reasons to value yourself. Your self-esteem isn't quite cemented yet, and you'll benefit from letting it get firmed up a bit more.

He does sound like he has an addiction to porn. However, it sounds like you weren't unhappy with your relationship UNTIL you realized that porn was affecting it. If you didn't feel rejected before, then it's understandable that he would claim it's "your" problem, because it looks to him like he was doing fine and nothing changed except your attitude toward him.

On the other hand, if you were already unhappy with your sex life and had voiced your complaints and he was unresponsive, then his addiction IS the cause of the problem.

If you were happy previously, and only feel unhappy now that you've connected the dots, I would guess that your beliefs are reinforcing an uncertain self-image. (A belief like "If he likes porn better then I must not be very worthy.")
 

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It never fails....everytime I am in the midst of writting a response I post it just to find the new posts that basically make mine redundant....guess I need to learn to type faster...lol
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
People here are just trying to help. There's no need to put anyone down here because you're not getting advice that you want to hear from the 2 people who responded, so you're dissing the forum.
Oh no, by no means was i "intending" to "put anyone down" or "diss the forum" i just meant that on a forum like this "in GENERAL" i would have assumed there would be more discussion, as opposed to "get a divorce, it's over".

I can take suggestions i can take criticism. I do love my husband though and just giving up with no real effort at fixing a situation isn't going to be the first advice i take.

I really appreciate all the comments and it has calmed me down significantly. I want to talk to him i just want him to CARE that i'm not currently talking to him. I know that it possibly is my fault he doesn't think it's a big deal. The fact that i "don't have a problem with porn." and the fact that he was caught "watching porn" may be his only "connection" to why i'm mad. He may think that i'm mad because he was "just watching porn, but i've said porn was okay, so what's the big deal?".. when he doesn't realize that his skipping our love life FOR porn is the actual problem. I am aware communication is the key, i guess i just want to be in a mental position, to talk about it rationally, and when *I* can get over my anger enough that it doesn't become a "fight" and can actually be constructive.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I'm so glad to hear you feel more confident and value yourself more these days.

I hate to say it, but I think you would benefit from continuing to find reasons to value yourself. Your self-esteem isn't quite cemented yet, and you'll benefit from letting it get firmed up a bit more.
I agree with you both also. I think that when i first saw it, my first reaction was basically a few knocks down on the "self-confidence" meter. It was as if seeing someone "more attractive" than me just brought back all those feelings of believing i'm not worthy. It takes way more time to rebuild self-worth than to destroy it after all. I know my husband loves me, i really do know that. I think maybe he's being this way is "embarrasment?" he's never been caught before, and he knew before that was one of the rules.. i dont' wanna see it/hear it.. it should be last resort. Is he a porn addict?.. I don't really know. I mean it's not like i can connect the dots to every single day of every week. I just do note there were times when it makes since that was why he was irritated with me. Is it easier to jerk one out to porn than put the effort in with your wife? Yeah sure it is. But, it's no an excuse to leave me dry over here. Does he think i LOVE giving him a bj? lmao.. yeah right. I do it because i know he enjoys it, and i serve the same treatment in return. (not specifically oral reciprication, just sayin' i deserve desired attention). I refuse however to let this get me down. I KNOW with certainty there are men out there who would want to have sex with me. (not bein' a brag, just i do have self-esteem now) I just WANT my husband to be the one to want to have sex with me. If we discuss it and things get worse/his reaction is negative, then i'll have to seek more advice or perhaps more backup. Sometimes it takes a lot to walk away, but when their isn't a fix.. you can't live broken, i did that for too many years already.
 

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It never fails....everytime I am in the midst of writting a response I post it just to find the new posts that basically make mine redundant....guess I need to learn to type faster...lol
Ditto that!

Put the "having kids" on hold.
Continue with IC counseling and recovery for yourself.
Be honest and up front with him.

I agree with the others- he's addicted. And addictions are marriage killers so be prepared for that.

If it was me, with no children involved and knowing what I know now, I'd cut my losses, work really hard on firming up my own emotional/spiritual health, and hold out for a healthy respectful partner.
 
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