[amanda1959]

I am in a 27 year marriage. My problem is I can't get the attention of my husband. He is constantly doing "things" around the house and at the cottage he works full time and belongs to boards. As time passes I find myself more and more alone. He doesn't want to do anything with me. I ask but he would rather do his "stuff". He makes lists and he gets really anxcious about how much he wants to get done. I don't ask him too do all these things rather he feels a need to. I spend more and more time without him inside the house, out with friends, shopping or at work.
HOW DO I GET HIM TO STOP AND LOOK AND SPEND TIME WITH ME? I have communicated to him that I am feeling more and more alone in this relationship. I don't know what to do!

Doesn't he realize he is ignoring the relationship...i can't go on asking for his attention. He only does what he wants to do...help!

If I just go on doing what I want to do we would never communicate and we would never do anything together...it is always my idea.

 

[Mavash.]

Been there done that - married 21 years now. I got my mans attention by essentially following the principles in the book the surrendered wife. Don't let the title fool you it's not what you think it's about.

 

[amanda1959]

care to share the principles of the book? right now doesn't feel like i am in a relationship at all....

 

[ManUp]

I hate to say this, but you have to shock his system. Tell him you're leaving and mean it. Either he start to focus on you, or you leave and you don't have to deal with it anymore. It's a win-win for you.

And be clear, there's one condition on you staying. He must join you in marriage counselling.

Look, I doubt it's you that he's avoiding. There's something going on that he doesn't want to admit to, so he comes up with bs excuses to justify in his head why he doesn't hang out with you. Men lie to themselves all the time.
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[oldgeezer]

Well, I'll tell you what doesn't work:

Getting angry and "in your face" about things, accusing him of ignoring her, saying that all the things that he's doing and are important to him are bad and in the way of what you want... ( You're always doing blah, never have time for me...).

When my wife started the 'you never take me anywhere and do anything' riff, she blamed it on all the things I like to do. So I had to choose between them and her. So, it was framed in the context of my activities vs her wants. So, if I was engaging in what I wanted to do, it was betraying her needs.

I resented the hell out of that. And, further, it didn't really result in us spending more quality time together. More like me trying to ignore her, because it was such a reminder of being a sore spot.

The thing is, I really do want to do things with my wife and did. But her stated wants always involved things I avoided like the black plague... like church social events. I find them to be immensely stressful. I'm not a social creature.

I thought she just wanted to do those things... She really just wanted me to spend time with her, that was the context she saw for her to get it.

Perhaps there's a middle ground. Men usually have good analytical powers and like problem solving. Put that to use, letting him work out a way to be together in ways that foster interaction without pressure.

 

[ManUp]

care to share the principles of the book? right now doesn't feel like i am in a relationship at all....

http://www.surrenderedwife.com/

Really, it's about changing yourself instead of worrying about how to make him change.
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[amanda1959]

so I get the basic idea it is about changing my approach and I can see what that will require....however that just means I will be going to talk to him less, calling him less, asking him to do things with me less, asking him to talk while we have a meal etc.I see this as not working but I will try. He is very caught up in his "list" of things that always takes place of doing anything with me! I will just be alone even more. This weekend he has spent all day saturday with changing and washing car tires etc and all day Sunday with yard work and xmas lights. He doesn't seem to need contact with me it is VERY strange. So now I am going to have dinner and go out lets see what happens...I am not going to nag or get mad I am just going to the movies by myself because he says we can't afford to go together.

 

[Mavash.]

http://www.surrenderedwife.com/

Really, it's about changing yourself instead of worrying about how to make him change.
Posted via Mobile Device

Exactly. It all starts by changing what you truly have control over. YOU not him. You have no control over what he does only how you react to him.

 

[unbelievable]

Testicles. Locate them. Grasp and squeeze. Apply pressure until you get the desired level of attention. Guaranteed to work on your husband and most male mammals.

 

[amanda1959]

I really have come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to be with me it is painful to think that his"list" is more importnat than me. Now it is dark and he is still busy outside I am lonely and would love him to come inside and have a drink and make dinner together but its not going to happen. This change I am going to make will only cause us to be in activities seperately more! How will that change my lonliness? I am already alone?

 

[Mavash.]

I feel your pain. I cried everyday for weeks when I made the realization that I was alone. I can't even begin to describe the pain that I felt but in the end I felt free. I no longer felt the need to control or make him be something he's not. He didn't want to be with me and I was finally willing to let him be free too.

But something clicked (I'd been at this for a while) and I got through to him and this was without saying a word. My story is long but lets just say 18 months ago I almost became a walk a way wife and now I'm happier than I've ever been. I studied and I learned. I figured out WHY my husband checked out and fixed that in ME not him.

This isn't easy.

 

[unbelievable]

How about jumping out there and working with him? The projects will quit being "his" stuff and will become couple stuff. It's also hard to work without communicating. It'll show that what matters to him matters to you, too. That's what you want him to do, isn't it? Show interest in things that matter to you?

 

[Mavash.]

unbelievable that's hard to do when you aren't feeling loved and cherished. You're more like a puppy following your husband around waiting for crumbs of affection which only make your already low self esteem even lower. 2 months ago I was DONE sitting around waiting for crumbs. I don't do that anymore. I deserve better than that and so does the OP.

 

[Holland]

I left mine, that got his attention.

 

[Mavash.]

I left mine, that got his attention.

In all honesty that's kinda what happened with me but it was work related. He had to leave me for 3 months and during that time I found my self esteem.

 

[Toffer]

Lists? Needs to get it all done?

Sounds like a strong case of OCD

 

[oldgeezer]

Testicles. Locate them. Grasp and squeeze. Apply pressure until you get the desired level of attention. Guaranteed to work on your husband and most male mammals.

Usually accomplished by with the withholding of sex and a verbal barrage of argument and criticism.

We all know that's a great solution, eh?

 

[that_girl]

Pull back on yourself and see if he picks up the slack. Just stop all attempts to engage with him.

You'll get some answers quickly.

Sorry you are experiencing this. It's such a stressful situation.

 

[Chumpless]

I am in a 27 year marriage. My problem is I can't get the attention of my husband....

Dress sexy and tell him how much you need his love...in a playful way.

 

[Amyd]

I am in a 27 year marriage. My problem is I can't get the attention of my husband. He is constantly doing "things" around the house and at the cottage he works full time and belongs to boards. As time passes I find myself more and more alone. He doesn't want to do anything with me. I ask but he would rather do his "stuff". He makes lists and he gets really anxcious about how much he wants to get done. I don't ask him too do all these things rather he feels a need to. I spend more and more time without him inside the house, out with friends, shopping or at work.
HOW DO I GET HIM TO STOP AND LOOK AND SPEND TIME WITH ME? I have communicated to him that I am feeling more and more alone in this relationship. I don't know what to do!

Doesn't he realize he is ignoring the relationship...i can't go on asking for his attention. He only does what he wants to do...help!

If I just go on doing what I want to do we would never communicate and we would never do anything together...it is always my idea.

I'm sorry you're going through that. It must be very lonely. I would do the stuff around the house with him. You might have fun.