[FogCityGril]

Help! I need advice! My marriage has become boring! I have been married for 8 years. For the past two years it has become boring. He doesn't take me out. He is not my only outlet for being social and having fun.
He get stubborn and used to his routine. It's predictable and he knows what to expect. We can't have any spur of the moment activity outside the house. He says he needs time to think about it. Today I said "Why don't we go see a movie?" He said he doesn't want to. There are some good movies playing, and he has gone before, but rarely.
He used to take me out all the time when we were dating and early in our marriage. I am not expecting expensive dates either.
I need some time for us to connect.
His idea of fun is to go to the one of few restaurants we have been to before and go to the local sports bar to play pool and watch sports. I like playing pool on Fridays where I see some of our friends who are regulars, but Saturday it's full of sports fans watching the games. It's too crowded and I just sit there and he is off helping the bartenders (he used to work there) taking glasses and beer bottles off the tables for them. He doesn't really talk to me much when we are there anyways, so I talk to whomever. It's still boring.
How do I get my husband to get an idea about something to do rather than me having to come up with ideas, and most of the time he doesn't want to go?

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Have you told your husband that you love him but that you feel it is difficult to connect with him because you don't do special things together as a couple?

Have you told him that you want to get out of the house WITH HIM more and do fun/different things together?

Have you told him that going to the sports bar is BORING for you because he helps out the bartenders and spends no time with you?

If you HAVE told him all of these things LOUDLY and CLEARLY (no hinting, no subtlety) and he STILL is NOT interested in doing these things, THEN you need to ask him flat out, "(husband), why do I feel like I'm the only one who is making an effort to find ways for us to connect? I've told you that I love you and want to spend more QUALITY time with you, but you seem resistant to the idea. Are you resistant to the idea of spending your free time with me?"

If he says "yes", then ask him why; and REALLY HEAR what he is saying (including body language).
If he says "no", then tell him to prove it, please, by planning something for next weekend that we can do together and that we will BOTH enjoy.

 

[FogCityGril]

Yes I have told him these things before. I will do it again this time more clearly too. It's not that he doesn't want to spend time with me, it's the places we go to that end up being boring since we do it all the time.
Also, after dinner he falls asleep on the couch, so we can't talk much then either. He is in his early 60's. I am a little younger than he is, but then there are other men in their 60's that get out and do different things with their significant others. i would like for him to have more different ideas of things to do.
I would just like more spur of the moment fun, and not have to plan it out, waiting for him to think about it.
This is my holiday as well so I would like to have something to do that is fun.

 

[Amyd]

Help! I need advice! My marriage has become boring! I have been married for 8 years. For the past two years it has become boring. He doesn't take me out. He is not my only outlet for being social and having fun.
He get stubborn and used to his routine. It's predictable and he knows what to expect. We can't have any spur of the moment activity outside the house. He says he needs time to think about it. Today I said "Why don't we go see a movie?" He said he doesn't want to. There are some good movies playing, and he has gone before, but rarely.
He used to take me out all the time when we were dating and early in our marriage. I am not expecting expensive dates either.
I need some time for us to connect.
His idea of fun is to go to the one of few restaurants we have been to before and go to the local sports bar to play pool and watch sports. I like playing pool on Fridays where I see some of our friends who are regulars, but Saturday it's full of sports fans watching the games. It's too crowded and I just sit there and he is off helping the bartenders (he used to work there) taking glasses and beer bottles off the tables for them. He doesn't really talk to me much when we are there anyways, so I talk to whomever. It's still boring.
How do I get my husband to get an idea about something to do rather than me having to come up with ideas, and most of the time he doesn't want to go?

Anything you say will sound like nagging. Tell him you're going out with your girlfriends. Get dressed really sexy - mini-dress, high heels, makeup etc. Walk in front of him. He'll probably question where you are going - tell him you were going to meet one of your friends at a place that you'd like to go and say "but I'd rather go there with you."

(If it doesn't work go to the mall and buy yourself something nice and expensive.)

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

I have to respectfully disagree with Amyd.

I would NEVER recommend playing games with your SO or buying expensive things as a 'screw you' to your SO. It is NOT mature. And will NOT add anything POSITIVE to your marriage NOR to your self-esteem (Really, do you WANT to be THAT petty? No.)

 

[Entropy3000]

Next time you go out with him dress the way that was suggested. I think this is the better option. Going out in a minidress with your friends is going to cause problems one way or the other. You are vulnerable for attention right now. You will get it from other men.

Try doing His Needs Her Needs together. Tell him that he needs to be dating you again. You NEED this. But ramp it up yourself. Make it exciting for him too.

 

[Mavash.]

Been married for 21 years and in my experience any and all attempts to change men into anything other than what they are is an exercise in futility.

Either your husband wants to wine and dine you or he doesn't. Since he doesn't you might want to dig deep to find out why. And usually the first reason is many men resist the things we wish them to do they prefer it to be their idea.

So my sincere advice is this. Stop talking. Stop bringing it up. He already knows how you feel and his answer is no. He doesn't want to. So now the ball is in your court. Either let it go or let HIM go. He isn't going to change just because you wish him to.

If you're bored that's your problem not his. Learn to meet this need on your own and my bet is he will come around. But it's like the 180 you have to do it with the right frame of mind otherwise it comes across as manipulative/controlling and that never works.

I think of the movie Fried Green Tomatoes. The wife wants attention from her husband and all the nagging in the world only makes him retreat even further. But as soon as she lets him be and makes her own fun suddenly he brings her flowers and is interested. THAT is the way to get through to men. Let them be.

 

[Emerald]

Been married for 21 years and in my experience any and all attempts to change men into anything other than what they are is an exercise in futility.

Either your husband wants to wine and dine you or he doesn't. Since he doesn't you might want to dig deep to find out why. And usually the first reason is many men resist the things we wish them to do they prefer it to be their idea.

So my sincere advice is this. Stop talking. Stop bringing it up. He already knows how you feel and his answer is no. He doesn't want to. So now the ball is in your court. Either let it go or let HIM go. He isn't going to change just because you wish him to.

If you're bored that's your problem not his. Learn to meet this need on your own and my bet is he will come around. But it's like the 180 you have to do it with the right frame of mind otherwise it comes across as manipulative/controlling and that never works.

I think of the movie Fried Green Tomatoes. The wife wants attention from her husband and all the nagging in the world only makes him retreat even further. But as soon as she lets him be and makes her own fun suddenly he brings her flowers and is interested. THAT is the way to get through to men. Let them be.

Agree.

and to add it's worse going to the movies with someone who doesn't want to be there....my exH used to squirm & sigh the whole time!

My current husband (early 50's - close to your husband's age) rarely wants to go out. I'm more social & it drives me nuts! I LOVE to go to the movies & he will go maybe once every 2 months to a movie of his choice.

Like you, it really upset me but I have learned to accept it because overall the relationship is good. I go to the movies alone or with friends & family.

There is no more resentment towards my husband.

Also like you, my exH had his "routine" of going to the golf course bar every Friday night & "fantasy football & dice" night every Thursday at a local bar & grill. I was invited evey time but it got old for me so I would go once in awhile.

My adivce to you is go hang out with your husband at the bar occasionally & get him to agree to go to the movies once in awhile with you.

 

[captainstormy]

This sounds like myself and my other half. She is very much a social butterfly and loves being out and about. When we first met she really only used her condo for sleeping, showering and changing clothes. Literally spent no time at home.

She's I've rubbed off some on her, but not that much. She doesn't mind staying home on the weekdays anymore but wants to be out and about every Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Long story short, if she talks to me about going out this weekend every night, I'm not going to want to go. Ease up on your hubby a bit. I'd bet that he will be more attentive if you aren't always nagging and hanging around.