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I am new to this site and I need some help... I married my HS sweetheart from 18 years ago this past year. I have two kids from a previous marriage, which was really abusive. He had never been married cuz he said he never got over me. I know he loves me more then life itself and I never have to worry about him hitting me or cheating on me like my ex's. He is great to the kids and is helping them get over what they went thru with their dad. He is still learning how to be a dad, but he is trying. He is really sweet and loving.

But there is a big problem. He has a crappy job that he has only worked a full week 7 times this year. He is always off for one reason or the other. I tried to get him to take another job which paid more but he chose this one cause it was something he liked. Because of this I work two jobs! My part time job I work more then his FT job. I had to go back to my pt job two days after ankle surgery to keep us from going under. His hardly covers gas and part of the food. He promised he would get some training when we got married...nothing. I have tried to get him to get another job, he stalls. I told him to get a pt job...nothing, just stalling. We are both trying to rebuild and we don't have alot, and we never will at this rate. And all I do is work, meanwhile I don't get any days off and I miss my teens!! He gets to go to the gym, watch tv and has alot of days off!! Its not fair, I am starting to really hate him. I don't want him to touch me and it doesn't matter to him that I yell, he lets me and then tries to be lovey. I want more from my life then this, I am almost 40 and I want to give my kids more too. He has alot of potential and is the sweetest person but I don't know how to get him to step up or is this a lost cause. Does anyone have any ideas. Oh, I spent the last year trying to be the "cheerleader" type in encouraging him to get a better job, that did not work. HELP!!
 

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i really dont know as i am in exactly the same place as u... my hubby keeps going from job to job... a few years ago he started his apprentiship as a plumber and i thought great we will have more money in a few short years well this year he became fully qualified and hasnt worked as a plumber sence becoming qualified. he has been of work since may, and has only recently got a part time job, and its doing my head in!!! argh feelin ya chick :(
 

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GreekGal... what did he do before you married him? did he work this little at taht time?

Did you have to work two jobs before you got married?

This guy has decided that he's going to let you support him while he becomes your kids best friend and goofs off. THis is a form of spousal abuse. You have just fallen for another kind of abuse.

The only thing you can do that has a chance to get him to change is to kick him out. Make him act like a grown up and at elast take responsibility for supporting himself.

I speak from experience on this. Don't wait till you have been married years and have gown bitter and hate him.
 

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ah i lived this as well with my exh.... i was working my a$$ off full time professional job, taking care of the child and the majority of the household duties while he worked menial part time jobs when he did work- he lived a easy life while i worked to the bone. Nothing i did or said would get him to change, i became very angry and bitter. I hate to tell you but short of kicking him out and making him support himself, no help from you, it prob wont work. My exh is still working menial jobs, he just moves from one friend to another now using them for a free place to stay, till they kick him out.
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A man needs to hustle to make money if the regular job slows down. He needs to get off his ass and find more employment, especially since he has open hours and days. He should be embarrassed that his wife is doing just that while he makes excuses not to.
 

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GreekGal... what did he do before you married him? did he work this little at taht time?

Did you have to work two jobs before you got married?

This guy has decided that he's going to let you support him while he becomes your kids best friend and goofs off. THis is a form of spousal abuse. You have just fallen for another kind of abuse.

The only thing you can do that has a chance to get him to change is to kick him out. Make him act like a grown up and at elast take responsibility for supporting himself.

I speak from experience on this. Don't wait till you have been married years and have gown bitter and hate him.
Spousal abuse?!

Wow. So since I have a stay at home wife (no minor kids at home), I am a victim of spousal abuse? I work long, horrible hours.

Is every hardworking/workaholic lawyer, doctor, business executive who works grinding hours to support a stay at home wife a victim of spousal abuse? If he wants his wife to get out there and work, and she doesn't, is that what makes him a victim of spousal abuse?

Or does that only apply if the one working more is a woman?

I see this a lot. Non working husbands are bums. Non working wives are homemakers (even if they don't do squat at home), and have the "hardest job in the world" in Oprah-speak.
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wolfman i think it depends if the choice was made together as a couple for one party to be a stay at home wherever. If its was mutually agreed upon and that spouse at home takes care the kids and/or homstead,and the extra income is not needed then im all for it. However, when the spouse at home (woman or man) quits, gets fired, or refuses to work or work more even when the income is needed, its crap. In my case exh was fired, and choose to play video games instead, he refused to watch our child more than one day a week (so child was kept in daycare) and often i would come home from a full day of work to find nothing done in the house, not even dinner made.
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I am new to this site and I need some help... I married my HS sweetheart from 18 years ago this past year. I have two kids from a previous marriage, which was really abusive. He had never been married cuz he said he never got over me. I know he loves me more then life itself and I never have to worry about him hitting me or cheating on me like my ex's. He is great to the kids and is helping them get over what they went thru with their dad. He is still learning how to be a dad, but he is trying. He is really sweet and loving.

But there is a big problem. He has a crappy job that he has only worked a full week 7 times this year. He is always off for one reason or the other. I tried to get him to take another job which paid more but he chose this one cause it was something he liked. Because of this I work two jobs! My part time job I work more then his FT job. I had to go back to my pt job two days after ankle surgery to keep us from going under. His hardly covers gas and part of the food. He promised he would get some training when we got married...nothing. I have tried to get him to get another job, he stalls. I told him to get a pt job...nothing, just stalling. We are both trying to rebuild and we don't have alot, and we never will at this rate. And all I do is work, meanwhile I don't get any days off and I miss my teens!! He gets to go to the gym, watch tv and has alot of days off!! Its not fair, I am starting to really hate him. I don't want him to touch me and it doesn't matter to him that I yell, he lets me and then tries to be lovey. I want more from my life then this, I am almost 40 and I want to give my kids more too. He has alot of potential and is the sweetest person but I don't know how to get him to step up or is this a lost cause. Does anyone have any ideas. Oh, I spent the last year trying to be the "cheerleader" type in encouraging him to get a better job, that did not work. HELP!!
Is there a possibility that he has a mental illness?

I'm sorry that he has no drive to support himself at age 40. You may have thought that with your love & support, you could change him. Sometimes it works.

Maybe marriage counseling?
 

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wolfman i think it depends if the choice was made together as a couple for one party to be a stay at home wherever. If its was mutually agreed upon and that spouse at home takes care the kids and/or homstead,and the extra income is not needed then im all for it. However, when the spouse at home (woman or man) quits, gets fired, or refuses to work or work more even when the income is needed, its crap. In my case exh was fired, and choose to play video games instead, he refused to watch our child more than one day a week (so child was kept in daycare) and often i would come home from a full day of work to find nothing done in the house, not even dinner made.
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I am afraid this will turn into a thread jack if I push the issue.

I'm just going to say that in general, husbands who stay at home are usually regarded as bums and wives who stay at home are treated as heroines, regardless of the details.
The post above called it "spousal abuse" to have the underemployed husband, but such a comment would have been derided if it was made about a wife.
And I think you are kidding yourself if you think there is a mutually "agreed upon" status for a stay at home wife with no kids. The wife just decides to stay home, and the husband accepts it. There isn't the kind of ire felt by husbands when the wife pulls this because of the expectation for the husband to be the major breadwinner.

I think this is pertinent in your case, because if this very dynamic. I am older (50s), but I think the younger generation of men have accepted the feminist/modern dogma of equality in the sex roles. Therefore, they feel no more shame in living off a woman than women feel at living off a man. But I think women resent it when the roles are reversed.
I think the anger and resented you feel, and the other posters share, is born of this.

I say this because when I first saw your initial post, I imagined the response if the genders in the post were reversed. Even if the stay at home wife as lazy and the home was a wreck, you'd get posts like, "maybe she's depressed", "don't judge her housework, you may be too demanding", "then you ought to help out", etc. I certainly would never see the lazy wife accused of "spousal abuse".

I think you should consider some of this dynamic as you work out your situation.
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Spousal abuse?!

Wow. So since I have a stay at home wife (no minor kids at home), I am a victim of spousal abuse? I work long, horrible hours.
The OP’s situation is quite a bit different from yours.
I assume that you and your wife agreed that she would be a stay-at-home wife and that you would support her? That’s call a mature, mutual contract.
It’s abuse for one spouse to promise to help support the household, marry with as the verbal contract the couple has… and then for one spouse to refuse to live up to the contract thus forcing the other have to work 2 jobs to keep the non-working spouse in a life style he/she unilaterally chose.
Is every hardworking/workaholic lawyer, doctor, business executive who works grinding hours to support a stay at home wife a victim of spousal abuse? If he wants his wife to get out there and work, and she doesn't, is that what makes him a victim of spousal abuse?
You definitely miss the fine points.
Or does that only apply if the one working more is a woman?
You definitely miss the fine points.

I see this a lot. Non working husbands are bums. Non working wives are homemakers (even if they don't do squat at home), and have the "hardest job in the world" in Oprah-speak.
SHE DID NOT AND HAS NOT AGREED TO HIM NOT WORKING AND TO SUPPORTING HIM.
 

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wolfman i think it depends if the choice was made together as a couple for one party to be a stay at home wherever. If its was mutually agreed upon and that spouse at home takes care the kids and/or homstead,and the extra income is not needed then im all for it. However, when the spouse at home (woman or man) quits, gets fired, or refuses to work or work more even when the income is needed, its crap. In my case exh was fired, and choose to play video games instead, he refused to watch our child more than one day a week (so child was kept in daycare) and often i would come home from a full day of work to find nothing done in the house, not even dinner made.
This is exactly what my life has been for years.

If my husband actually did what a SAH spouse is supposed to do I'd be in 7th heaven. But to refuse to work, push all financial responsiblity, all child rearing and all housework/chores on me.. yep that's spousal abuse.

I work 60-80 hour weeks + all the at home stuff. Hardly get any sleep.

He has a life of leasure....

We are divorced now.. this is a huge part of why I divorced him.
 

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geekgal...

who much of the housework and chores does he do?
 

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I think you should consider some of this dynamic as you work out your situation.
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my situation is worked out, i divorced him...

and if its not a mutually argeed upon that one partner stays home then the one partner is just using another. I had no issue being the breadwinner of the family, went into the marriage knowing that but when he choose to not be gainfully employed after he lost his job and then not even lift a finger to take care of the household he was just taking advantage of me. I think regardless of gender that in a marriage one partner not taking care of there portion of the duties is unacceptable
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Greekgal

To be brutally honest I don't see much prospect of your husband changing. He's 40, never been married, and working menial jobs. The odds of him changing significantly at this point are extremely low.

He's only going to change if he decides to change. At this point why would he? He'd work more and have to contribute more to the family. As it stands now he works less and gets to enjoy his time off.

He sounds lazy to me.
 

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I am new to this site and I need some help... I married my HS sweetheart from 18 years ago this past year. I have two kids from a previous marriage, which was really abusive. He had never been married cuz he said he never got over me. I know he loves me more then life itself and I never have to worry about him hitting me or cheating on me like my ex's. He is great to the kids and is helping them get over what they went thru with their dad. He is still learning how to be a dad, but he is trying. He is really sweet and loving.
You are asking how to manipulate him into doing what you want him to do.

You married him, apparently, knowing this was his life or lifestyle, I'm going to assume for the purposes of answering.

My answer is: You're not going to be able to force him into doing anything different.

You may, however, convince him he WANTS to do something different. That is not the same as doing something to get you off his back.

I'm going to suspect that you've pressured him into certain STEPS that would alter his ability to make more money, but as of yet, he hasn't changed his mind about what he wants to do or how he wants to do it. You didn't change his mind, I'm going to guess that from his perspective, he took actions to get you to stop nagging. You nag him to do something, he solves it by actions that get you off his back for a while.

The issue here, is that he got into a relationship that you accepted and then want to change the terms of, without actually changing the terms.

You're going to have to have a "not yelling and nagging and threatening" conversation about what role or roles each of you expects the other to have, and then what roles each of you are going to have. And that includes who earns what, in terms of money, and so on. Just expecting and thinking you can manipulate him into changing his role to make you happier is very, VERY unlikely to work. If it is going to happen, it's going to be more formal, more specific than that.
 

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you say he's the sweetest person, but what is sweet about watching you work like a dog while he's not pulling his weight. doesn't it bother him at all how inequitable it is. if you were fine with it, then great, but you're not fine with it, you've told him this, and your sweet guy just does not give a sh*t. that's not sweet. that's selfish. he's nice to the kids - great - that's not enough. he's nice to you, too, that's great, why shouldn't he?

i guess he probably hasn't changed since you married him. he's the same guy that you married with the part time work. you changed the rules on him, which he's not happy with - he was perfectly happy with his part time job, but there's nothing wrong with changing the rules and wanting more help. you're a team now, or at least you should be a team. but he's not a team player. if he was, he'd want to help you, but he's perfectly content and it doesn't seem to bother him one bit that you are working so hard.

I don't think you can change him, and I don't think you should change your expectations, so I think you should follow the advice above and ask him to step up to the plate more, or step aside.
 

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Aside from just getting by, the two of you need to be thinking about retirement as well. Seems as though he most likely doesn't even have much social social security racked up at a minimum!

You being the more driven and responsible one will lose respect for him and end up not sexually attracted to him, and it just spirals out of control from there.

If you leave, will you owe him alimony? Something to think about.
 

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I think he never married for other reasons. Maybe no one wanted his lazy butt! All those years pining for you? Charming, but too Hollywood for me.

Tell him you can't afford a third child. Man up or move on. I bet your kids will become gainfully employed before he does.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Sorry I could not rely before I been working alot and been a little sick. To answer a few questions.

No, he was working a lot when we got married, so I assumed it would continue. Not expecting 7 days a week forever but a normal 40 would be great.

Sometimes he does more housework and others he does not. But he has not assumed the household duties a SAH spouse would do. The teens have their own chores.

No we did not decide this at all, I actually don't have an issue with a male SAH, but there are not minor kids and I don't make enough to support a family of four...lol. Actually before we got married we talked about him getting training/schooling to get a better job as he was moving to where I lived. He was working 7 days a week then and instead he took the easiest job and that was that.

I see what has to be done now and I really appreciate everyone's input. TY
 

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The OP’s situation is quite a bit different from yours.
I assume that you and your wife agreed that she would be a stay-at-home wife and that you would support her? That’s call a mature, mutual contract.
It’s abuse for one spouse to promise to help support the household, marry with as the verbal contract the couple has… and then for one spouse to refuse to live up to the contract thus forcing the other have to work 2 jobs to keep the non-working spouse in a life style he/she unilaterally chose.

You definitely miss the fine points.

You definitely miss the fine points.



SHE DID NOT AND HAS NOT AGREED TO HIM NOT WORKING AND TO SUPPORTING HIM.

I disagree with virtually everything you posted above. I am not missing any subtleties here, and actually believe that you are.

In every case I know of, the Stay-At-Home wife did not get an "agreement" before the marriage to stay at home. Most of the time, it is a unilateral decision that the husband reluctantly accedes to, in my experience. Think about it. Virtually every thread you see about a spouse "not pulling their weight" is about a husband who earns less (or none). Does it make sense to assume that in virtually every case, only husbands quit (or if they get downsized, "don't make enough effort") unilaterally, and wives always get full and enthusiastic consent? Of course not. What makes more sense is that due to the social conditioning of the traditional husband-breadwinner mindset, women are more resentful (in general) when they become the main breadwinner, and husbands are conditioned to just accept it as their lot in life.

In my case, for example, my wife worked for several years full time before unilaterally deciding to quit. We have no kids at home that needed to be cared for. She just decided we didn't need her income and it wasn't worth her stress to work.

That's why I still think the poster's biggest problem is the resentment over the changed roles. In every other aspect, the hubsand (according to the OP) is "sweet and loving."
 
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