Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
21 - 26 of 26 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,546 Posts
Could not forgive if contact continued!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Carlton

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,701 Posts
Let's say your husband has been diagnosed with PE. The treatment involves taking an anticoagulant drug for a period of time and rest.

But your husband hates pills and wants to keep going to work because he has an important project to complete. The treatment is fairly easy - not painful (possible side effects but high success rate).

He asks your advice and reminds you that it isn't causing much pain at the moment - only on rare occasions. He doesn't want to deal with bed rest and doesn't want drugs. He want you to help him figure out ways to get over it.

You would be foolish to agree with him. Very foolish.

We would be foolish to tell you to do nothing about the clot in your marriage - and just offer ways of getting over it.
:iagree:
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,701 Posts
The other woman sold a bunch of crap on what an abuser her husband is and OP bought it..

I can imagine this woman telling her husband on how she "supports" her friend because he is in a horrible marriage with a cruel wife.
Let's suppose that every negative thing the OW said about her husband was 100% true, what right does that give her to spoil some other woman's marriage?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,851 Posts
Kindabitter~

May I take a moment and perhaps help explain why it seems like everyone is telling you to divorce rather than answer your question?

It sounds to me like you are trying to do the best thing for yourself and your family and your kids, and even though your husband has treated you in a painful way, you're trying to "do the right thing" and "be the bigger person" and be kind and forgiving. BUT instead of telling you how to be forgiving, people jumped right to telling you to divorce him! It sounds like we WANT you two to split up almost, right?

No. Actually we are trying to do two things but we didn't explain it. 1) In real life we are recommending the things we're recommending so that you can avoid false reconciliation, and 2) We are hoping the affair will be killed and you two will reconcile and rebuild a new, stronger marriage.

So let me be clear about a couple things. I'll quote from what you wrote, okay?

He never admitted to making out with her. I know this because I have read every message between them. They both feel guilty and agreed to lie about it to protect their families.
This is significant because he did not come to you and confess that he was being unfaithful, and it shows that both of them are willing to lie in order to continue their affair. They call it "protecting their families" but if that was the true intent, wouldn't one of them have said, "My loyalties are to my children and my spouse and I will not endanger them by acting on my feelings for anyone but the one to whom I promised...my spouse. So you need to go away." See? THAT is protecting your family. What their actions ACTUALLY did was to weaken and endanger their children, their marriages, their households, their assets, and everything in their world! And they said out loud they are willing to lie to cover it up! So what has changed magically now? Do you suppose that all of a sudden now they are NOT willing to lie?

I believe they did not go further than that, however they did confess their love for each other and the desire to go further had they not been married.
So in their own words, they "love" each other, and in their own words they WANT to "go further" meaning I suppose that they have sexual desire for each--lust, if you will--but the only thing stopping him from bedding her was that they are both married. This is significant because I'm not sure what their definition of "love" is, but I'd venture a guess that it's mostly a bunch of emotions wrapped up in sexual desire. But that's not what "love" is! LOVE is an action. Love is treating someone in a loving way and wanting what is best for them--and wouldn't the best for "her" be to help her honor her vows of faithfulness and help her build a strong, loving marriage with her husband? Then if this is "love" wouldn't he have pointed her to a counselor or a pastor/minister who could help her become the kind of woman who is honest and faithful and help her build HER marriage? It's not "love" to lead someone into lust and break apart their marriage and family!!

He and I decided to work it out, but he insisted on moving forward and not looking back.
Okay this is called "rug sweeping". It's my hope that someone here can link to some of the excellent posts on rug sweeping, but what it means is that he insisted on not changing himself, doing no work to build something better with you, having to pay no consequences for his choices, and basically forcing you to act like the big elephant in the room ISN"T in the room! "Sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing's wrong" and you know what? Ignoring the problem does not fix anything. An affair is like a seismic crack in the foundation of your marriage, and he INSISTED that rather than fixing it, you just build on a cracked foundation! That means whatever you build on it is still broken.

I was totally ok with that until I noticed they were still in contact...
Quick question here: did he tell up right up front that they were still in contact? Or did he LIE and even if he didn't say it out loud, did he "act" like he wasn't in contact? Are you beginning to see that the lying is pretty consistent and that in reality it has been you that's been denying it's happening?

...it is basically happening once a week with a vague one or two sentence update on how they are doing and wishing each other well.
So despite telling you that he as "ending it" with her (How is it ended, exactly? I don't see it), behind your back they have continued and now the contact is pretty frequent and pretty regular. Okay maybe it's not 1000 emails a week, but it's not OVER. See that?

My answer to him was that I feel it is disrespectful that they are still in contact, and that it hurts me deeply. He was angry with my reply (I think mostly because I don't trust him... duh) and they continue to communicate.
This is significant because it IS disrespectful to continue, and despite knowing that he is causing deep pain in his marriage, he continues to choose to contact her. See, when he married you, he stood before God and his family and friends, and he made promises TO YOU. The promises were that he would FORSAKE ALL OTHERS and that he would spend his lifetime treating you in a loving way--not that he would "have feelings" for you forever, or get his own needs met. He promised 100% of his AFFECTION and LOYALTY to you. Period. Sooo...to give any percentage of either his affection or his loyalty to any other person is disrespectful!! Now look at your words. He knows his actions are deeply hurting you--that does not sound like affection to me! Who IS getting his affection, cuz it's not you!? And knowing that he has a choice between being loyal to you and being loyal to her, who is he choosing? You tell me?

I don't want a divorce, I want to move forward but it is next to impossible to move forward when he's still hanging onto the past.
Okay that's cool. I don't want you to divorce either. I bet MOST of the people responding to you here don't want you to divorce either. Here's the problem: we aren't in the marriage so we can't decide that. YOU are in the marriage and HE is in the marriage. And unless he begins to be IN the marriage and act to repair the marriage, it may well be that what you do not want will be THRUST upon you!!

And make no mistake, Kindabitter, it is not "next to impossible to move forward" ... IT IS IMPOSSIBLE because you two can not move forward until the affair is completely 100% OVER. You and your husband will not be okay and your marriage will not be repaired as long as he is in contact with her...and that's because as long as he is in contact with her, the affair may be very minimal but it will be ongoing. The reason you can not forgive and move on is because it keeps happening and is still happening. It's like saying "Why can't I forgive him for lying?" while he is still lying to you! Well...that's because the lying hasn't ended yet!!

So to answer your question ("How do I forgive and move on?"), the answer is that before you can do that, the affair needs to STOP 100%, and it hasn't. Thus, the first step is to end the affair. After it is 100% all over and there is NO CONTACT at all, ever, in any way....then you two may be able to move on and reconcile, but even then only if your husband is also willing to look at himself and learn and grow...AND CHANGE. You can't sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen.

Sooooo...Job #1 is to end the affair.

She has a bad marriage and my husband says he feels sorry for her...it's not his responsibility to be there for her.
So, give her the phone number to the nearest marriage counselor or spiritual leader, and then get the heck out of her life already!! Your husband's responsibilities are TO YOU -and- he knows that his actions have been hurting you and harming the marriage! So he has work to do in his own marriage! See, Kindabitter, this is a smokescreen. It's meant to throw you off track. Don't be distracted by this trick. Instead stay focused on ending the affair by having NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER.

I get all of that and I don't need to be told I'm being walked on or that he chose her over me - because he is still married to me and he is working on our relationship.
Okay here is my final word to you. You have two choices now. You can continue to deny and pretend everything is okay and he is working on your relationship (how? by continuing to act in a way that hurts you?), or you can let the scales fall from your eyes, stop denying, and see that reality is that the affair never stopped. I know it really hurts to admit that, even to yourself, but it's the Truth! You can deal with what is True and you can build on the Truth! If you build on a lie, I warn you, Kindabitter, it will all come falling down...and we are trying to help you prevent that from happening!

So I know you hurt and feel awful inside--but you know why? It's not because you can't forgive and move on! I bet you could, to be honest with you. Nope, it's because inside your gut knows that continuing to contact her is continuing the affair, but your "ears" are hearing what your gut knows is false. Your inside and your outside are getting two different messages and it makes you sick. But Kindabitter, your inside is right. That part of you that aches when he contacts her is right. That has to end before any work can be done on your relationship and before you will be able to forgive or move on.

I would recommend/suggest three steps:

#1--Confront him directly and tell him that when you two married, he promised you 100% of his affection and loyalty, and you are tired of sharing both his affection and loyalty with someone else. Ask him directly to write a No Contact Letter (here are some Sample No Contact Letters) and end all contact with her forever. If he refuses, go to the next step.

#2 Disclose his affair to one other person whom he trusts and who he looks up to. This would usually be someone like a parent (his father maybe?), a pastor, a counselor, or a mentor. Do not show them ALL the proof you have, but show them enough that they realize it is an actual, ongoing affair, and ask if they would help you save your marriage by encouraging him to end the affair. Now, when you disclose to someone else, he is likely to be VERY mad!!!! But I want you to remember something. Marriage can survive anger (people often get angry in a marriage) but they can NOT survive infidelity!! So don't be thrown off track if he gets angry--his hope is that if he gets angry, you'll stop what you're doing and he can go back to the affair! If he still will not end all contact with her, go to the next step.

#3 Expose the affair to the people who will likely be affected if there is a divorce. So for example, you would NOT contact the Other Woman (OW) and tell her to back off--she'll just think you are being controlling and lie some more. Nope, Instead you would contact a very select group of people such as your parents and his parents, your siblings and his siblings, the OW's husband, and your pastor or spiritual leader. The idea here is not to air dirty laundry, but rather to tell the Truth. See, part of the "thrill" of adultery is that it is a secret. Well nothing kills an affair faster than shining the big, bright light of THE TRUTH on it!! See the overall big goal in telling these people is twofold: to drop a bomb on the little fun secret affair...and to let these folks know that their world is in danger! They might be losing half their access to their own grandkids, etc. and also you can let them know right out that you want to save the marriage and you've asked him to stop, but he won't -- and ask them if they will encourage him to stop and be there for you as you go through this difficult time. If this is an affair at work (and ONLY if this is an affair at work) you may also want to tell your employer and his employer. You tell your boss because if you don't they'll wonder why your productivity is plummeting...and you tell HIS boss so the boss knows that work time and resources are being used for personal reasons! [NOTE TO SELF: If this is not an affair happening at work, there is no reason to tell his work because that would just be revenge. You may want to tell your work, but that's up to you]

If all those steps don't work, then Kindabitter, you will know where you stand. At that point, he will have chosen his affair before your marriage, and it will then be up to you to decide if you want to live in an open marriage. If you decide that swinging is not for you, then you would be free to divorce because it wasn't YOU who committed adultery and would not stop--it was him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
307 Posts
My husband had an emotional affair - and he "made out" with her. And he insists on staying "just friends" now - he broke off the sexual communications, etc, and are just sending an email back and forth a week with a brief update, etc. It pisses me off, he knows I do not like it and I've told him it hurts me. He gets angry and insists it's nothing and tells me to get over it. I hate her, I am very upset with him and I want to be forgiving and kind and move on. Please help.
I don't understand what you are suppose to forgive?? He's still having an affair there's no such thing as "just friends" after kissing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,986 Posts
I don't understand what you are suppose to forgive?? He's still having an affair there's no such thing as "just friends" after kissing.
It's like only rubbing coke on your gums after going on a bender. It's not going up my nose so it doesn't count, right?
 
21 - 26 of 26 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top