Could not forgive if contact continued!
:iagree:Let's say your husband has been diagnosed with PE. The treatment involves taking an anticoagulant drug for a period of time and rest.
But your husband hates pills and wants to keep going to work because he has an important project to complete. The treatment is fairly easy - not painful (possible side effects but high success rate).
He asks your advice and reminds you that it isn't causing much pain at the moment - only on rare occasions. He doesn't want to deal with bed rest and doesn't want drugs. He want you to help him figure out ways to get over it.
You would be foolish to agree with him. Very foolish.
We would be foolish to tell you to do nothing about the clot in your marriage - and just offer ways of getting over it.
Let's suppose that every negative thing the OW said about her husband was 100% true, what right does that give her to spoil some other woman's marriage?The other woman sold a bunch of crap on what an abuser her husband is and OP bought it..
I can imagine this woman telling her husband on how she "supports" her friend because he is in a horrible marriage with a cruel wife.
This is significant because he did not come to you and confess that he was being unfaithful, and it shows that both of them are willing to lie in order to continue their affair. They call it "protecting their families" but if that was the true intent, wouldn't one of them have said, "My loyalties are to my children and my spouse and I will not endanger them by acting on my feelings for anyone but the one to whom I promised...my spouse. So you need to go away." See? THAT is protecting your family. What their actions ACTUALLY did was to weaken and endanger their children, their marriages, their households, their assets, and everything in their world! And they said out loud they are willing to lie to cover it up! So what has changed magically now? Do you suppose that all of a sudden now they are NOT willing to lie?He never admitted to making out with her. I know this because I have read every message between them. They both feel guilty and agreed to lie about it to protect their families.
So in their own words, they "love" each other, and in their own words they WANT to "go further" meaning I suppose that they have sexual desire for each--lust, if you will--but the only thing stopping him from bedding her was that they are both married. This is significant because I'm not sure what their definition of "love" is, but I'd venture a guess that it's mostly a bunch of emotions wrapped up in sexual desire. But that's not what "love" is! LOVE is an action. Love is treating someone in a loving way and wanting what is best for them--and wouldn't the best for "her" be to help her honor her vows of faithfulness and help her build a strong, loving marriage with her husband? Then if this is "love" wouldn't he have pointed her to a counselor or a pastor/minister who could help her become the kind of woman who is honest and faithful and help her build HER marriage? It's not "love" to lead someone into lust and break apart their marriage and family!!I believe they did not go further than that, however they did confess their love for each other and the desire to go further had they not been married.
Okay this is called "rug sweeping". It's my hope that someone here can link to some of the excellent posts on rug sweeping, but what it means is that he insisted on not changing himself, doing no work to build something better with you, having to pay no consequences for his choices, and basically forcing you to act like the big elephant in the room ISN"T in the room! "Sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing's wrong" and you know what? Ignoring the problem does not fix anything. An affair is like a seismic crack in the foundation of your marriage, and he INSISTED that rather than fixing it, you just build on a cracked foundation! That means whatever you build on it is still broken.He and I decided to work it out, but he insisted on moving forward and not looking back.
Quick question here: did he tell up right up front that they were still in contact? Or did he LIE and even if he didn't say it out loud, did he "act" like he wasn't in contact? Are you beginning to see that the lying is pretty consistent and that in reality it has been you that's been denying it's happening?I was totally ok with that until I noticed they were still in contact...
So despite telling you that he as "ending it" with her (How is it ended, exactly? I don't see it), behind your back they have continued and now the contact is pretty frequent and pretty regular. Okay maybe it's not 1000 emails a week, but it's not OVER. See that?...it is basically happening once a week with a vague one or two sentence update on how they are doing and wishing each other well.
This is significant because it IS disrespectful to continue, and despite knowing that he is causing deep pain in his marriage, he continues to choose to contact her. See, when he married you, he stood before God and his family and friends, and he made promises TO YOU. The promises were that he would FORSAKE ALL OTHERS and that he would spend his lifetime treating you in a loving way--not that he would "have feelings" for you forever, or get his own needs met. He promised 100% of his AFFECTION and LOYALTY to you. Period. Sooo...to give any percentage of either his affection or his loyalty to any other person is disrespectful!! Now look at your words. He knows his actions are deeply hurting you--that does not sound like affection to me! Who IS getting his affection, cuz it's not you!? And knowing that he has a choice between being loyal to you and being loyal to her, who is he choosing? You tell me?My answer to him was that I feel it is disrespectful that they are still in contact, and that it hurts me deeply. He was angry with my reply (I think mostly because I don't trust him... duh) and they continue to communicate.
Okay that's cool. I don't want you to divorce either. I bet MOST of the people responding to you here don't want you to divorce either. Here's the problem: we aren't in the marriage so we can't decide that. YOU are in the marriage and HE is in the marriage. And unless he begins to be IN the marriage and act to repair the marriage, it may well be that what you do not want will be THRUST upon you!!I don't want a divorce, I want to move forward but it is next to impossible to move forward when he's still hanging onto the past.
So, give her the phone number to the nearest marriage counselor or spiritual leader, and then get the heck out of her life already!! Your husband's responsibilities are TO YOU -and- he knows that his actions have been hurting you and harming the marriage! So he has work to do in his own marriage! See, Kindabitter, this is a smokescreen. It's meant to throw you off track. Don't be distracted by this trick. Instead stay focused on ending the affair by having NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER.She has a bad marriage and my husband says he feels sorry for her...it's not his responsibility to be there for her.
Okay here is my final word to you. You have two choices now. You can continue to deny and pretend everything is okay and he is working on your relationship (how? by continuing to act in a way that hurts you?), or you can let the scales fall from your eyes, stop denying, and see that reality is that the affair never stopped. I know it really hurts to admit that, even to yourself, but it's the Truth! You can deal with what is True and you can build on the Truth! If you build on a lie, I warn you, Kindabitter, it will all come falling down...and we are trying to help you prevent that from happening!I get all of that and I don't need to be told I'm being walked on or that he chose her over me - because he is still married to me and he is working on our relationship.
I don't understand what you are suppose to forgive?? He's still having an affair there's no such thing as "just friends" after kissing.My husband had an emotional affair - and he "made out" with her. And he insists on staying "just friends" now - he broke off the sexual communications, etc, and are just sending an email back and forth a week with a brief update, etc. It pisses me off, he knows I do not like it and I've told him it hurts me. He gets angry and insists it's nothing and tells me to get over it. I hate her, I am very upset with him and I want to be forgiving and kind and move on. Please help.