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Discussion Starter #1
I filed for divorce from my wife at the end of Aug, this year. We have two children together, 4 total. We have been married almost 10 yrs. She has had multiple PAs and EAs.

I am having a very difficult time expressing myself to our counselor back home (I skype with our counselor because im currently deployed), my STBXW, and others I talk to. Bottom line is I do not trust her. I feel as if she has no idea the brevity of the emotional distress she has put the kids through (and me too). She has not made amends and has not finished "rehab" at all yet. She only does enough to pacify then goes back to her old ways.
(when I say expressing I mean I am having a hard time explaining to people that the children has gone thru so much because of my W's self-centered and selfishness)

I try to tell people because of my lack of trust with her, uncertainty of her moral character, shes a bad risk, etc I want more than 50/50 joint custody of our kids (and child support from her). Im pretty sure im not crazy thinking this way. I suppose my question is, how can I better express my concerns that can be better aligned in legal terms? Because ultimately we will fall back on the legality of the situation if mediation fails. BTW, i live in the state of FL.
 

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So she's looking for you to be her parent? Yeah, she's not going to mature and accept responsibility unless she loses EVERYTHING. Even then she'll probably try to make false allegations in court to get more than her fair share.

Check out shrink4men.com That website has helped me out tons when it came to dealing with my crazy ex wife. Also be prepared to backup any claims with documented proof. If you can make your case pointing out how she's still using and is a bad influence for the children you should be more likely to gain custody if not have her visit them supervised.

And if you have a hard time explaining then do your best to sum it up. You're divorcing an addict who poses a risk to your children's safety. Even having strange men around her while she's been drinking/under the influence of other drugs will be enough to upset any judge. And being in the armed forces (Navy vet myself) will look good for your character. Good luck buddy, stay strong, and practice up on containing your emotions in court if you have to go from mediation to court.
 

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So she's looking for you to be her parent? Yeah, she's not going to mature and accept responsibility unless she loses EVERYTHING. Even then she'll probably try to make false allegations in court to get more than her fair share.

Check out shrink4men.com That website has helped me out tons when it came to dealing with my crazy ex wife. Also be prepared to backup any claims with documented proof. If you can make your case pointing out how she's still using and is a bad influence for the children you should be more likely to gain custody if not have her visit them supervised.

And if you have a hard time explaining then do your best to sum it up. You're divorcing an addict who poses a risk to your children's safety. Even having strange men around her while she's been drinking/under the influence of other drugs will be enough to upset any judge. And being in the armed forces (Navy vet myself) will look good for your character. Good luck buddy, stay strong, and practice up on containing your emotions in court if you have to go from mediation to court.
Thank you for your response. She is in sales, has been for many years. She is VERY good at making people believe what she wants them to. I feel she is very manipulative to others and myself. Sometimes I do not know what to believe.

Right now I am waiting on her attorney's initial written rebuttal to my divorce filing.
 

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YOU only have to explain it clearly to your attorney. S/he will explain to the judge YOUR fears for your children's mental and emotional well-being.
I try to tell people because of my lack of trust with her, uncertainty of her moral character, shes a bad risk, etc I want more than 50/50 joint custody of our kids
Tell YOUR ATTORNEY that you want the judge to understand:
  • I don't trust my wife to look out for our children's best interests.
  • My wife is too selfish and self-centered to put our MINOR children's needs ahead of her own.
  • Our MINOR children have suffered mentally and emotionally from the upheaval caused by my wife's REPEATED infidelities.
  • The turmoil, anger, and general uneasiness in our household due to my wife's REPEATED infidelities has caused our MINOR children to (cry alot, have nightmares, throw up, act out negatively, become clingy, etc.)
If by "rehab" you mean your wife is alcohol/drug/sex addicted, then BE SURE to include THIS in your list of grievances against your wife as a lousy wife and an uncaring mother.
  • I fear the damage that long-term exposure to my wife's addiction will cause our MINOR children.
  • I fear for the general health, welfare and safety of my MINOR children because of the types of people my wife would expose them to with her infidelity and addictions. Even in their own home with my wife, they would be physically and emotionally UNSAFE.
    These are the reasons I am petitioning for FULL PHYSICAL custody of the children with visitation for their mother.
By the way, you could also use this list with the COUNSELOR.

...is this what you were looking for? I hope I've been of some help to you. God bless, we're pulling for you!

And THANK YOU for serving in our Armed Forces! **hugs**
 

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Thank you for your response. She is in sales, has been for many years. She is VERY good at making people believe what she wants them to. I feel she is very manipulative to others and myself. Sometimes I do not know what to believe.

Right now I am waiting on her attorney's initial written rebuttal to my divorce filing.
So it's possible she could very well be a borderline or a narcissist. I'm going to take away a couple other choices and go with these two common crazy ex types. Big difference is a borderline alternates between completely black abandoning you and completely white smothering you with affection, yet she expects you to always treat her consistently fair. A narcissist on the other hand only rewards you with all sorts of praise and affection if you are stroking their ego. The minute you let them down, achieve higher praise, or so much as tease them they reject you...... big clue here is the narcissist's inability to take even the slightest teasing. Never under estimate the power of self preservation.

Like I said there's not a real big difference between these two in identifying them. Basically "daddy didn't love me..... and then he didn't" at one point or another growing up..... "Now I'm stuck" in this perpetual state of adolescence and your job is to parent her or man up and let her either get treatment on her own or be someone else's headache. The real challenge comes when dealing with this woman the weeks before and while you're in court. That's why I said "STUDY UP" so you won't be blind sighted by all her manipulative tricks.

Biggest advice I can give you from what I found is to first "let the dust settle" as Jody, my Divorce Busters marriage counselor said it. Give the NC and 180 110% and let her burn out her anger on her own without you to fuel it. Then do your best to keep your cool and avoid her as much as possible so you don't say or do something she can magnify into some pity case in court. You're better off agreeing or walking away when you want to lash out. TRUST ME!

I have a book on preventing divorce with a similar story where the woman was divorcing her alcoholic husband but had to pull the judge aside in chambers and work out an arrangement where her husband couldn't still have half of their business. I don't know, you may be able to do the same thing arranging custody for her if she completes rehab first. In fact I'm 95% sure I've seen that same special condition in a divorce hearing somewhere. But I tell you, I've seen story after story here where a spouse has hit rock bottom and been kicked out for good, no way in hell they can pay lip service and do the bare minimum until it's safe to use again. And in those cases the spouse hit rock bottom and went through rehab 100% determined this time..... Just pray she commits herself soon.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
[/LIST]
If by "rehab" you mean your wife is alcohol/drug/sex addicted, then BE SURE to include THIS in your list of grievances against your wife as a lousy wife and an uncaring mother.
  • I fear the damage that long-term exposure to my wife's addiction will cause our MINOR children.
  • I fear for the general health, welfare and safety of my MINOR children because of the types of people my wife would expose them to with her infidelity and addictions. Even in their own home with my wife, they would be physically and emotionally UNSAFE.
    These are the reasons I am petitioning for FULL PHYSICAL custody of the children with visitation for their mother.
By the way, you could also use this list with the COUNSELOR.

...is this what you were looking for? I hope I've been of some help to you. God bless, we're pulling for you!

And THANK YOU for serving in our Armed Forces! **hugs**
Thank you for your response. Yes that is something of what I was looking for.

By "rehab" I meant her making amends or making right her wrongs. Making amends to me (in a perfect world) but more importantly making amends to our children. Unfortunately, she keeps getting washed back in rehab because she STILL only does just enough to pacify then goes back.

When I try to explain this to our counselor the response is usually something like 'is she putting them in harm now?' My response to that is, I dont think so but there is only so much I know for sure being 7K miles away.
Its like I am the only one that feels that children, my children, are tramautized short and long term by her complete selfishness.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
When I try to express to my counselor, similar to what some of you are saying, ‘I don’t trust my wife to discontinue the emotional harm she has caused our children, she does not lead by example and she is a bad risk.’

The counselor usually responds something to the tune of, ‘are they being harmed now? How are they acting now?’

How do I respond to that? My answer to him is no, they seem to be fine (cant be for sure because I am so far away)

I want to respond and really hit home with these people that just because the children seem to be OK at this moment, that does not mean that they don’t need proper positive emotional stability in a good environment to heal as best as they can.

And because of the lack of trust with my wife, (just as slowlygettingwiser has kindly pointed out) that I do not trust my wife to look out for our children best interests.
 
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