Some people may consider me needy. I'm simply not getting my needs met. So yeah, maybe in this situation, I may be. What do I want from my wife… just a simple amount of consideration. Respect, intimacy, compromise, good communication with deep heartfelt conversations, surprises. These are things that I expect from a marriage, yet, it’s incredibly hard for her to do these things for some reason. I’m not sure why exactly, except to say that she didn’t have the best of examples from her parents relationship.
Anyhow, I’m now left in this place where my temperature is hotter than hers. I need more from her than she needs from me. And if I try to regain balance by letting up on meeting her needs, and becoming more independent, one of two things happens: she either gets mad, or doesn’t care. Nothing of which is her increasing her desire to show me love. Referencing “MEMs” relationship barometer thread, what’s supposed to happen is if I cool off, she warms up… thus restoring an equal balance of desire and love communication in the relationship.
What I’m struggling with is that this doesn’t work. If I cool off, nothing happens. And I’m not ok with that. I wish I could learn to not care of some of these needs. On a large scale, we have a decent marriage, it’s not met without it’s challenges or anything, but there isn’t any infidelity or something serious like that.
How do you just not care? How can I accept this for what it is? I honestly see one option, and that’s to repress these needs until I can’t take it any longer – which will probably push me over the edge into the arms of another women. It’s not what I want, and I’m not like that. But it’s not like you can “un-desire” those things, right?
Any thoughts, tips, on how to deal with this? I’ve talked with her endlessly on this, and while she says she understands, there hasn’t been any forward movement on improving these things. What do I do? Is there a way that I can meet those needs myself, or just depend less on a relationship?
The alternative of course, is to not live with it anymore, but I’m not ready to make that call yet. I’m at a loss, and could use some tips. It’s not a factor of manning up or anything else, it’s how do you not “need” your spouse. And what kind of marriage would that be if you could live with or without her, no big deal either way.
Anyhow, I’m now left in this place where my temperature is hotter than hers. I need more from her than she needs from me. And if I try to regain balance by letting up on meeting her needs, and becoming more independent, one of two things happens: she either gets mad, or doesn’t care. Nothing of which is her increasing her desire to show me love. Referencing “MEMs” relationship barometer thread, what’s supposed to happen is if I cool off, she warms up… thus restoring an equal balance of desire and love communication in the relationship.
What I’m struggling with is that this doesn’t work. If I cool off, nothing happens. And I’m not ok with that. I wish I could learn to not care of some of these needs. On a large scale, we have a decent marriage, it’s not met without it’s challenges or anything, but there isn’t any infidelity or something serious like that.
How do you just not care? How can I accept this for what it is? I honestly see one option, and that’s to repress these needs until I can’t take it any longer – which will probably push me over the edge into the arms of another women. It’s not what I want, and I’m not like that. But it’s not like you can “un-desire” those things, right?
Any thoughts, tips, on how to deal with this? I’ve talked with her endlessly on this, and while she says she understands, there hasn’t been any forward movement on improving these things. What do I do? Is there a way that I can meet those needs myself, or just depend less on a relationship?
The alternative of course, is to not live with it anymore, but I’m not ready to make that call yet. I’m at a loss, and could use some tips. It’s not a factor of manning up or anything else, it’s how do you not “need” your spouse. And what kind of marriage would that be if you could live with or without her, no big deal either way.