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When you ask her something and then respond with I don't like that. Considering your past that is something that is going to set her off. I'm sure she is well aware of what you like and don't like you don't hide it. That maybe why she is reluctant to share with you. Her views aren't safe unless they match yours. I mean you have to be passionate so those around you can not be.

Suggestion next time you want to get to know your wife. Start by asking a question. Then just listen.. Then rephrase it.

Such as:

You: Hey what TV show have you been watching lately?
Her: Pick whatever show you think is really stupid for me that would be love island or the bachorlette. Insert your own stupid show here.

You: (without any sarcasm, disgust or what have you in your voice). That's interesting, you like Love Island. What part do you think fascinates you. (notice you didn't interject your own opinion here. You asked another question about her. what she likes)>

If you love your wife you should want to know more about her and how she thinks. Then after many of these conversations you might have a better idea of what things you two could enjoy together.

Make your wife your next hobby. You want to become an expert on her. Don't try to change her or tell her what is right or wrong. This is just about who is she. Get her to open up to you. That won't happen if you interject your own stuff. She has shut down on you and for good reason. Give her a good reason to open up.
 

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Be friends with your wife?

Sorry but I would never be “friends” with someone who was violent towards me. Kind of too late to ask someone to trust or be your friend when you have physically harmed them.
 

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No, the ideas really don't matter when you've been beating your wife. No wonder she isn't "friends" with you.
But it’s been a whole YEAR since he hit her, so you know, she should either be over it by now or she should understand it was her fault.

In the past year all he had done is kick over coffee tables and broken glass and stuff like that. You know, normal stuff that any wife would just gloss over and be happy to be his “friend“.

Barf.
 

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Discussion Starter #28
When you ask her something and then respond with I don't like that. Considering your past that is something that is going to set her off. I'm sure she is well aware of what you like and don't like you don't hide it. That maybe why she is reluctant to share with you. Her views aren't safe unless they match yours. I mean you have to be passionate so those around you can not be.

Suggestion next time you want to get to know your wife. Start by asking a question. Then just listen.. Then rephrase it.

Such as:

You: Hey what TV show have you been watching lately?
Her: Pick whatever show you think is really stupid for me that would be love island or the bachorlette. Insert your own stupid show here.

You: (without any sarcasm, disgust or what have you in your voice). That's interesting, you like Love Island. What part do you think fascinates you. (notice you didn't interject your own opinion here. You asked another question about her. what she likes)>

If you love your wife you should want to know more about her and how she thinks. Then after many of these conversations you might have a better idea of what things you two could enjoy together.

Make your wife your next hobby. You want to become an expert on her. Don't try to change her or tell her what is right or wrong. This is just about who is she. Get her to open up to you. That won't happen if you interject your own stuff. She has shut down on you and for good reason. Give her a good reason to open up.
Yeah, I asked her just now and she said it's like that. That she doesn't share all of her views because she thinks we will argue if I disagree. I never knew she felt this way before, so this is pretty eye opening. I will try your advice.

No, the ideas really don't matter when you've been beating your wife. No wonder she isn't "friends" with you.
You don't know me nor my wife. She is my best friend. You are very judgmental for someone offering advice on a help forum. Why do you want to say passive aggressive things like this to me?
 

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Who physically hits their “best friend”? And then insults anyone who brings up that violence is never ok?

Dude has some serious issues.
 

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...I will try your advice.

You don't know me nor my wife. She is my best friend. You are very judgmental for someone offering advice on a help forum. Why do you want to say passive aggressive things like this to me?
I don't need to know you. You've given enough information for me to say, from one asshole to another, that you need to fix your ****.

Here's some advice for you, get into therapy with someone who specializes in anger management and encourage your wife to find a therapist as well.

You want to fix your marriage and be friends with your wife? Then be someone you'd want to be friends with. Right now you are NOT.
 

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I looked for that Willard Harvey interest survey, but could not find anything. It seems he's an author, is it part of his book? But yeah, maybe she would like taking photos of nature and posting it online. That would be great as I like climbing up mountains. I'll try to think of other hobbies we could have that would compliment each other. I like that idea alot. It also prevents it from becoming competitive or whatnot. Yeah, thank you. Great idea.
The guy's name is Willard Harley, like the motorcycle. Just thought you might want that info if you might search for more of the material he has written.
 

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Is this one of those threads where if you didn't read the internet to get the backstory, you shouldn't post in it?
Yep

 

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Discussion Starter #33
I don't need to know you. You've given enough information for me to say, from one asshole to another, that you need to fix your ****.

Here's some advice for you, get into therapy with someone who specializes in anger management and encourage your wife to find a therapist as well.

You want to fix your marriage and be friends with your wife? Then be someone you'd want to be friends with. Right now you are NOT.
Yes, I want to be someone my wife wants to be friends with. But, I don't know about how many of you are seeing me. I think I am a pretty nice guy. Maybe there are some things I can change, but I don't feel I am some monster that needs to be ostracized like some seem to think.

The guy's name is Willard Harley, like the motorcycle. Just thought you might want that info if you might search for more of the material he has written.
Thanks for that correction. I found more of his material and am downloading it now. With my wife and kids being out of town and also this virus, I have plenty of time to read.
 

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Yes, I want to be someone my wife wants to be friends with. But, I don't know about how many of you are seeing me. I think I am a pretty nice guy. Maybe there are some things I can change, but I don't feel I am some monster that needs to be ostracized like some seem to think.
A "pretty nice guy" doesn't hit his wife or smash things when he's pissed.

So, how about that therapist suggestion? Or are you going to keep being this guy?

You're scared of seeing a therapist? Well, your wife is scared of YOU and she has to live with you and walk on eggshells every day of her life. The least you can go is swallow your pride, suck it the hell up and go see a therapist. You're an asshole, so own it. If you don't like it THEN FIX IT.

I can guarantee you that you are not the first person that abuses his wife, and you won't be the last. Therapists have heard it all and sadly, you're nothing special.
 

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What I value in friendship is respect. Therefore, my suggestion is for you to respect your wife’s right to be safe, as you work towards change; even if it means you can’t be together.
 
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