How did you know he/she was The One?

To be honest, there is no definitive way of knowing, or there wouldn't be the troubles many couples face. But there are a number of things that help: a common goal and future, as you've mentioned, common belief systems, some shared interests, personality compatibility, agreement on personal and shared ambitions, and common desires for children if applicable. This is hardly a formula for success, and even with all that stuff worked out there is no guarantee of it all being a success, but the chances are better for that person being a good one for you.
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I'd be kidding myself if I said I knew at the time I married my wife that she was the one. I'm sure I would have wanted to believe it though... It's such an ongoing work of progress, but with the more work put in, the better the rewards.

This is the million dollar question. I've been married twice. Both 'nice' men but in the end both also emotionally unavailable men. Oddly enough, on the surface they looked and were completely the opposite. It wasn't until several years into the second marriage that I realized emotionally, I've married the same man again with a different face! Ugh.

And, like you, I had a check-list. We got a long well. We friends before lovers. They were nice, generous, cooperative, etc etc. What went wrong? The first one turned out to be cheating on me right, left, and centre (though he claims not once after we were married! As if that was some sort of consolation?). We were together for six and married for one.

The second (like the first) couldn't, wouldn't, tell me when he was upset. Was very passive agressive instead. But even then when I noticed the pattern and tried pointing it out to him, he still couldn't/wouldn't tell me what was wrong. You can't get anywhere with someone who won't/can't communicate.

Neither marriage had great sex. First had functionable sex. Second was a disaster. But then I was raised to believe that being friends was more important! Ugh.

So, now I'm on my third major relationship. And, I find I'm in the same boat. In a LT relationship with a man who makes me laugh, is very caring, helpful, sweet, thoughftul, but the sex is not the glue that holds us together. I'm HD and he is LD. It makes me crazy. I want more sex. I want passionate sex. He is the quietest in bed I've ever known!

So here is the question: Should I be running in the other direction because I'm following my usual pattern of un-passionate male partner? Should I be looking for/waiting for someone who meets, or has, my same level of drive, interest, and passion for sex?? Should passion and sex be the glue that holds a couple together?

It's a tough one for me to unravel.

Lovesong, thank you for your views, at least you realised you were getting into the same pattern as before. This is my second real relationship, the first was 4 years and he was a friend to start with. It didn't work out because although I thought I saw him that way, after a while I realised I wasn't that into him sexually.

After the break up, I had an almighty list of things the next man should be, based on things that were wrong with the last one! Now I have narrowed it down to one thing: whoever I'm with must make me as happy as my current one does. Which says good things for him!

I don't know if LD can become HD or not, this is something you can only figure out by talking to him. It may be that there are other things on his mind (stress etc decreasing his libido), or he may not even know what really does it for him. You could be the woman who finds that out!

As for what 'should' hold a relationship together, that's whatever makes you happy, surely? If it's a lot of sex, then yes you will need someone who is the same or similar drive to you, or you'll be fighting about it. If it's intimacy, you'd be miserable with a man who didn't hold/touch you often. I know I would!

I hope any of that helps!

Perhaps I shouldn't post this, because sometimes I wonder if my case was one of those "exceptions" mentioned in He's Just Not That Into You...

I used to have a long list when I was young, too. I wanted him with dark hair, tall because I like heels, smart, funny, the whole works. Eventually, even by high school, this list started diminishing until really, I just wanted a guy with a good heart and who could make me laugh. I met said guy in college, except he was a bit self-involved as well. The relationship didn't work. Looking back afterwards I realized how unhappy I had been for months, but just didn't know to recognize it for a while.

These two things remained on my list for about 4 years, until I met my now husband. We're both still fairly young, but we started dating at a time in our lives when we did both know what we wanted from life (family, kids, certain career aspirations, etc etc). Because of this, our first dates were major heart to heart talks about these subjects. We knew each other extremely well by the time we first kissed.

Something that I constantly marvel at is when I got to know him, I realized he was everything I had on my childhood list (that I remembered), and more. He fit me and understood me very well. So for me, yes I believe that when you do meet "the one", you get a feeling. It may not be an obvious one, it may not be one you recognize as "a feeling", but it's there. Your gut knows when it's a good thing and whether or not you're happy. Definitely cover your bases by asking foundation questions (family desires, moral beliefs, dreams, future plans, etc), but also check to see how you feel with him/her around. Sometimes, it's just a matter of feeling safe.

WyshIknew said:

I think it is almost pointless trying to work such things out. you may possibly be able to work out where you've made mistakes in the past but you can't help who you fall in love with.

I knew within hours of meeting my wife that she was going to be someone special to me. I don't know if it was me being quite inexperienced but she was like this huge great sensory overload that came crashing into my life.

I asked her recently why, out of all the men she could have chosen she chose me. She said that within hours of meeting and talking to me she realised that I was the one and she was going to marry me one day.
I told her that it made it sound as though I had no choice in the matter. She just looked at me and grinned.

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This is a little bit similar to my husband and me. I've been wrong many times about someone being the "one" but it truly was a completely different experience when I met my husband and I love your words - it *was* like "sensory overload."

It's sort of like the difference between doing something for fun and enjoying it (others) and getting so immersed in an experience that there is no sense of time or reality. At the same time, though, there's always a sense of it being "right" in such a way that we don't neglect our responsibilities and actually are more a part of the world than ever before.

In the 3 years we've known each other, we've only had a few arguments and they're usually over within minutes. And when I say over, I mean no resentment or lingering anger. We are in tune to a degree that's almost freaky. We often say the same things at the same time or we do exactly what each other was thinking of doing.

keepsmiling said:

Hi everyone, I'm in a new relationship (less than 1 year) and all is going well, he says good things about a future together. I just wanted to know, how/when did you know that you wanted to marry your SO?

And do you think it's something you 'know', or decide?

Thanks

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I just knew. I know..how helpful is that? I kept a diary when I was 20 (the age I met my husband) and I said in it that I knew I would marry him one day. I wasn't in the habit of writing things like that in my diary. Didn't write that about any other guy. I just knew that if we didn't break up, we would end up together. I think it helpd to have dated a few men before I met my husband. I knew from early on that he was different from them. Different in a good way. There was an ease in how we related to each other. He seemed to be on the same wavelength, he "got" me and understood me in a way other guys hadn't. We laughed at exactly the same things. We have very similar values, likes and dislikes, but we're not carbon copies of each other either. We're different enough that things aren't boring.

He wasn't trying to impress me or pick me up. He was just himself. I found that very attractive and confident. I could spend a lot of time with him and not be bored. For me that was a big thing. Just him being him was enough. I didn't need something else to keep me entertained when I was with him. The connection we had, the conversations, the laughs...that was enough. It wasn't that way with the others.

I didn't have a list really. Maybe I did somewhere in my head, but I hadn't fully realized it. It was perhaps a subconscious list. Now as a long married woman, I can articulate the qualities I want in a husband and guess what..my hubby has all of them. Back in the very early days of our dating relationship, I didn't have such a list. I just wanted someone very compatible with me. The thing is although we are very compatible, I doubt any matchmaker would put us together if you go simply by family background and whatnot. We're wildly different in our backgrounds. Couldn't be more opposite really. But it works for us. I suppose that's the key.