[gemjo]

How devastated was your H/W when you found out they cheated?

My H was almost as devastated as me....as if he didn't realise fully how destroying it would be to me.

He has admitted he never thought he was good enough for me, that I'm too good looking for him, a better person etc.. he has said this a few times over the years, as if i settled for him. Not true!

How strange that it has taken him to cheat, me to find out, and be broken hearted, for him to realise how much i do truly love him, how much i always did trust him....

Is your cheating H/W as devastated as you are?

 

[827Aug]

My husband of 20+ years wasn't the least bit devastated. He denied his infidelity for nearly a year and continued acting like a jerk. When he finally did admit to cheating, he blamed every bit of his behavior on me. His sociopathic and narcissistic tendencies did a job on my mental health; I was in counseling for for than two years.

Glad your husband is completely the opposite. There's hope for your marriage.

 

[Numb in Ohio]

Mine said he was just as devastated, I don't believe this to be true. His biggest thing he says was seeing the look on my face. Said he never realized how much it hurt me until then. Duh, how did he think I was going to feel?

If it had not been that he had also cheated on his previous wife as well, I "might" believe him a little. He knew the consequences, and he knew it would hurt me, he just didn't care... he was just hoping I would of never found out.

In short, I think a lot of cheaters are only devastated for getting caught.

 

[arbitrator]

In short, I think a lot of cheaters are only devastated for getting caught.

Already engaged in the midst of a contentious divorce, I have not confronted my STBXW about it, but will only do so either in open court, or after the finality of the divorce itself.

Knowing her as well as I do, she will be devastated at herself, only for being a dumbass and getting caught. But she will be fastly in denial, blaming me, God, her family, her finances, and just her general standing in life; all the while, refusing to take little to no ownership for her own mistakes.

Then she'll try to right her ship in compounding things by trying to get back into a married relationship with one of her OM. I can already see the handwriting on the wall!

 

[Chris989]

I don't see how they *can* be as devastated. After all, they haven't been betrayed.

Sure, they can be upset, contrite, even hysterical. Ultimately they got a load of hot sex and running around in secret whilst the BS held the fort.

Perhaps the cheater will be devastated that the extra curricular activities have to cease, or that there might be consequences for their selfish actions but I know the pain of betrayal has damn near killed me and there is no way on Earth my WW could possibly feel that amount of pain - why would they?

 

[cpacan]

I think most waywards are devastated about the consequences, during the first many months post discovery. But i also believe that many of them, in time, will realize just how broken they were to brake other peoples lives like they did. Thats when Karma will get to them.

Add to that, that many of them are in denial and projects their guild in order to survive mentally.

Some day, I believe, they will get it. I would like to think my WW fits that
description. It is increasingly obvious to me that she suffers from low self esteem.

 

[MattMatt]

Mine said he was just as devastated, I don't believe this to be true. His biggest thing he says was seeing the look on my face. Said he never realized how much it hurt me until then. Duh, how did he think I was going to feel?

If it had not been that he had also cheated on his previous wife as well, I "might" believe him a little. He knew the consequences, and he knew it would hurt me, he just didn't care... he was just hoping I would of never found out.

In short, I think a lot of cheaters are only devastated for getting caught.

Not always. My wife told me in advance she was going to have an affair, I confessed immediately to my wife of my affair and Tears also confessed immediately.

 

[Left With 4.5]

My husband of 20+ years wasn't the least bit devastated. He denied his infidelity for nearly a year and continued acting like a jerk. When he finally did admit to cheating, he blamed every bit of his behavior on me. His sociopathic and narcissistic tendencies did a job on my mental health; I was in counseling for for than two years.

Glad your husband is completely the opposite. There's hope for your marriage.

My husband wasn't devastated at all too. When I discovered it, he asked for a divorce.

 

[Numb in Ohio]

Not always. My wife told me in advance she was going to have an affair, I confessed immediately to my wife of my affair and Tears also confessed immediately.

That's why in my post I put " a lot" of cheaters,, I didn't say all.

 

[Juicer]

Well, my wife told me. And I was destroyed. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, could barely operate at my job, could barely hold conversations with people. I remember how broken I felt. My manhood felt like she had flushed it down the toilet, and the sinking broken feeling in my heart (or that may be due to my liver), I was so angry and full of rage, I was so confused and delusional. It was like a storm of emotions.

She also told me she realized why I responded so badly after our MCing, and it just tore at her to know how badly she hurt me. And she was just so sorry.

But we are attempting to reconcile. And I realize, how lucky I am.
She only tried blaming me once. She hasn't done that since May. She has never fought me on anything.
For anything I demanded, she simply said "Done. What else can I do?"
And she never stopped trying to be my wife. Even up to the day I moved her out. I told her to not cook my meals, or make my mattress, or send me text where she was going (because I was hell bent on divorce!) but she did the exact opposite! She kept acting like my wife, and it hurt to kick her out.
And she put me as #1 in her life. She would drive me to the hospital, (we have probably driven there so much she could do it in her sleep! :rofl. She helps me remember my meds, she has been cooking my meals since I can't eat a lot of certain foods.

I have seen so many horror stories on this site where the waywards weren't sorry, or were only sorry they got caught, or were just classic cake eaters. And they try taking their spouse to the cleaners, or they try to string them along, while making up their mind.
I 110% believe she is sorry, and she realizes how much she could lose. And I am willing to give her a chance.

 

[the guy]

My chick was beatup pretty bad, now that I started caring she had to face what she hade become, and it wasn't good.

So with remores my fWW faced her demons and the actions that brought her to were she is when I confronted her.

I guess you can compartialmentaliz so much but when reality and fantasy collide she didn't like the person she saw in the mirror.

 

[ladybird]

I think they are only devastated because they got caught. AND i also think that they had no intention of ever getting caught or the BS finding out.

 

[tonyarz]

My ex wife wasn't at all upset when she cheated on me. She basically told me to get over it or file.

 

[PBear]

As a spouse who cheated... I don't honestly see how the cheating spouse can be as devastated as the betrayed spouse. After all, they were the ones in control of what was going on. They knew what they were doing, and what the risks were. The only element of surprise is that they got busted.

C

 

[Headspin]

I spose you could argue that the ones who are truly genuinely devastated are the ones who themselves own up before they get caught , the ones who cannot live with their mistake and try to own it and offer true unconditional remorse

I'd say the 'devastation' of the ones that get caught (95%) of them is genuinely false and in part due to getting caught and having their pleasant 'extras' suddenly up in the air and out in the open.

Would they have owned up unprompted? you bet your shvt they would not have !

 

[Pluto2]

My husband wasn't devastated at all too. When I discovered it, he asked for a divorce.

Same here. He's lost his family, home and kids and he's still not devastated, acts more entitled. Jerk.

 

[Petyot]

My ex wife wasn't at all upset when she cheated on me. She basically told me to get over it or file.

Same here. No regrets, no remorse, no devastation for her. She left our home, found a new place and she's living happily with the OM... All of that in less than 8 weeks after d-day!

 

[Kanga]

I spose you could argue that the ones who are truly genuinely devastated are the ones who themselves own up before they get caught , the ones who cannot live with their mistake and try to own it and offer true unconditional remorse

I think that was my WH. After a short term PA overseas he owned up, he said he had to tell me because he never wanted it to happen again. But then he maintained contact with the OW, and TT and eventually told me he realized he needed to be totally honest and admitted to seeing prostitues throughout our marriage. He said he couldn't trust himself to not hurt me again (and that he couldn't keep stringing 2 people along), and said our marriage was over. A couple of days later he asked me back and has had NC with OW for five and a half weeks.

It hard because he feels so bad about himself, and says when I tell him how I'm heartbroken its like another twist of the knife in his heart

 

[Headspin]

Goddamn it

If they could only think straight for a moment before they embarked upon this shvt and realised the trauma they were about to unleash

the 'entitlement' aspect is so annoying

 

[Numb in Ohio]

Goddamn it

If they could only think straight for a moment before they embarked upon this shvt and realised the trauma they were about to unleash

the 'entitlement' aspect is so annoying

Somewhat what my H told me,, he said that with his job, he got ****y, felt power,, entitlement because he was bringing in higher income... he felt "special" because he had gotten his job, that you have to be one of the chosen to achieve as a truck driver.. please...