Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My husband is Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde. The last few years Mr. Hyde barely shows himself. I fear regretting ending the marriage after being with him 25 years, but mostly I fear not making it. I figure I'll need about $4000 to stay living in this area. My two kids at home are in high school and REALLY don't want to leave their school. I researched alimony and child support, and I'd get about $1000/mo. After being a stay-at-home mom for 21 years, with only piddly part-time jobs (and a degree that is basically worthless unless I went back to school) I can't begin to cover the difference. What can I do?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
When you figure it out let me know : /

I'm in Orange County CA (not a cheap area) and also a SAHM Im My husband makes good $ but because of our bills we live paycheck to paycheck. I don't know if we can really make this work or not but I've been trying to find some kind of night job so that not having $ is no longer a huge part of my decision.

Oh and I also have a degree but unless I also have a doctorate or experience the only jobs available wouldn't pay for child care. I have 2 young children.

Being a SAHM has been tough and amazing but it has put me in a terrible position.

So yeah, I feel ya...
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,221 Posts
You're going to have to move.

Sucks all around.

Unless you can hold out until kids graduate.

I had to move. From living on the beach in Santa Monica, back home (Dana Point), but a crap apartment. Then I moved back to the LA area in a nicer apartment (but I've been teaching the whole time).

Start trying to pocket away money for a cushion. Start getting your resume ready and go back to school if you can, while married.

Sacrifice things you don't need. Cable TV, anything other than house, utilities, bills and food.

SAHMs are such a wonderful asset to our communities but they do get the short end of the stick in any breakup situation.

I was a SAHM for a while. Never again. (my kids are older now)...but to not have an income, as an adult, is scary.

Start thinking of every option....
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,454 Posts
My husband is Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde. The last few years Mr. Hyde barely shows himself. I fear regretting ending the marriage after being with him 25 years, but mostly I fear not making it. I figure I'll need about $4000 to stay living in this area. My two kids at home are in high school and REALLY don't want to leave their school. I researched alimony and child support, and I'd get about $1000/mo. After being a stay-at-home mom for 21 years, with only piddly part-time jobs (and a degree that is basically worthless unless I went back to school) I can't begin to cover the difference. What can I do?
If there is no way that you can reduce your financial outlay then you have to work on increasing your ability to earn a living.

If you need to go back to school to get a certificate or degree so that you can support yourself do it. Otherwise start working on getting a job with the possibility for advancements and work your way up.

If you do this, then don’t do it in a way where you are using your husband with a plan to leave him. Instead work on your marriage, your education and your earning potential at the same time.

You might also need some help to learn to handle his Jekyll/Hyde swings. Get into counseling to help with this. You could also ask for help here for things that you deal with.

{I am assuming that your husband is not physically abusive and you are safe in your home.}

ETA: Have you checked out bankruptcy to see if it would help your financial problems?
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,454 Posts
When you figure it out let me know : /

I'm in Orange County CA (not a cheap area) and also a SAHM Im My husband makes good $ but because of our bills we live paycheck to paycheck. I don't know if we can really make this work or not but I've been trying to find some kind of night job so that not having $ is no longer a huge part of my decision.

Oh and I also have a degree but unless I also have a doctorate or experience the only jobs available wouldn't pay for child care. I have 2 young children.

Being a SAHM has been tough and amazing but it has put me in a terrible position.

So yeah, I feel ya...
Have you checked out what your rights are in a divorce?

In California you could get rehabilitative spousal support + child support for half the length of your marriage. Unless yours if a long term marriage and then it can be long-term support.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,908 Posts
$1000 per month seems really low for spousal support and child support for two kids... Unless your spouse isn't making much money, in which case I'd question how you're surviving now? Have you talked to a lawyer? Are there any assets to divide up that you could leverage into some support while you go back to school?

C
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,967 Posts
You also need to start networking and job searching, you can get out faster if you have a job.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Thanks for all the great advice. We've been married 24 years, and when he's not being mean, he's witty, funny, sweet, generous and we get along great. He's coming home tomorrow morning, and I'm going to tell him to get help or leave. I can't really go back to school because I have two kids in college we couldn't pay for, so they have loans. Plus, my degree is in psychology, and at this point, I really don't want to be any more involved in mental help than I already am at home. :rolleyes: I do have a part time job I just started (don't laugh) walking dogs. I'm an oil painter, and I specialize in pet portraits, and the owner of the business has over 1000 clients she can put the word out to. She also has a pet grooming salon and may use my pet portraits as artwork in there - advertising my work. Besides painting, animals are my passion. I also needed to lose a little weight, get in shape, get out for my own sanity and have a no stress job I enjoy. This job is all of those. My boss is looking into health insurance, and I told her what is going on and she said she may have an idea to get me more involved in the business and have a "more steady income". So, all that seems promising. I think for now, I'm going to do what you all said: work, save money, get counseling, try to convince him to get help, get advice and stay here as long as possible. If it gets too bad, I'll ask him to leave and then figure it out. We own another house that he runs his construction company out of. His mom is probably going to move in the upstairs, so he can live with mommy-dearest (the person who taught him to handle all frustration with anger, bullying and drama.) They can enjoy doing it to each other.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
PS. He came home this morning. He feels his hateful words were completely justified, and offers no apologies.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,512 Posts
I know how you feel. My son is 4 and I am 5 months pregnant. I have no income whatsoever. I am totally dependent on my h. I will never again be dependant on anyone again. It is hard to get out when you have no money to support yourself and children.
 
  • Like
Reactions: SaltInWound

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,204 Posts
some how I lost my post...


I love you idea of pet portraits. We /actually sent off a picture of our dog and got a very cool oil painting of our dog that people complement all the time. I don' want to say what we paid for it.Our dogs name is Cupid so you can guess what was painted around him. its so cute.

My wife is in you position.I would make out great if we D. I know I would do way more than what I would be legally responsible for.

Does your husband have your best interest? Stupid question I know?
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top