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Was discussing this with a friend whose spouse also cheated.

When my wife had her affair I chose not to go to a counsellor, but leaned on a good friend to talk through issues. As we reconciled I continued to do so. From time to time over the years there are three or four people I have leaned on.

The friend I was discussing with also went to counselling as well as leaning on other friends. She took the view that her discussions with friends were between them and none of them told their husbands.

I, on the other hand, have offered to tell my wife everything that was discussed in the interests of full transparency, if she wants. I have warned her that some of it would be painful...we were discussing a marriage that came close to divorce and was bad for years, after all!

So what do others think? Do you tell your spouse everything if they want to know? Or is it ok not to tell what is discussed in counselling sessions? Or worse, is it actually damaging to tell what is discussed?
 

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Counseling sessions should be private. Completely private.
We had both couples counseling and individual counseling.

What she discussed at IC is not/was not my business. It was meant for her to turn things over in her head. Same with me.

That doesn't mean you can't volunteer to share discussions at IC but it shouldn't be requested - IMO.

As for friends. I'd hate to offer heart-felt, authentic advice to a friend and wonder if he relayed my message to the spouse. For a couple of reasons.

Discussions should be like 'brain-storming' activities filled with 'what ifs' and 'what thens'. These lengthy discussions would be difficult to convey in their totality and spirit. It would be disrespectful to the friendship if advise I offered was used as 'evidence'.

I'd much rather (although reluctantly) participate in a discussion between the two spouses. That way my intentions and attitude could be included. I would expect confidentiality in discussing a friends issues with their spouse.

In my golf-foursome comments about marital issues are sometimes discussed. I would NEVER divulge such comments to my wife. It's not an issue of transparency it's an issue of respect for the friendship. The musings at the golf course could be fleeting ideas that are quickly discarded.

If you feel you must share everything told to you with your wife then when an issue of a personal nature is raised by a friend you should tell them you're willing to hear and comment but they should know you won't keep it confidential.

JMO
 

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None with a wayward.

A BS needs to know exactly whats being said cause a lot of MCs fill their patients with enabling crap.IC counselor's think about the person, not the marriage)

One IC was filling my ex fiance's head with so much enabling crap she actually suggested an open relationship for a few days.

Never went back to that Fool.

You keep it completely private altogether and you have ZERO idea whether the MC is helping the marriage or putting the last nail in the coffin on it.

Its' frank but true.
 

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It should be private. Especially the details. I think the 3rd person, in this case your spouse, would become a distracting or confounding factor, making the therapist's job harder.
 
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