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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I discovered my WH's infidelity (massage parlors, drunk female friend hookups, sex forums, sexting) about 2 weeks after we got married on 9/1/12 (yes, that's right... 2 weeks). Long story short: life exploded, he became extremely religious and began seeing multiple counselors weekly (as did I). He's begging for a chance and says he will do anything I ask (yeah, right!). I haven't filed for divorce yet because I'm in the "fog" and am trying to clear my head before I do anything drastic. I went through the 5 stages pretty fast... but I'm starting to feel and see things about my WH that I was completely blind to before I married him. And anything.. I mean anything... will set me off. I lose it, and I explode at him.

For example, everytime I look at him, I think he's just stupid. As in, his IQ is that of a bug. He was stupid enough to make decisions which would ruin his life and his marriage, he doesn't think about the consequences of his actions, he doesn't have common sense, etc. For the day to day stuff: he doesn't know anyting about current events, says he likes certain political plans yet doesn't know anything about it, he can't spell, he comes home from his part-time job at Costco and complains that he had to use his "brain" at work while signing up a new member (I have a job where I use my brain everyday). The fact that he's complaining about that to me is just ridiculous. I just think everything he does is STUPID. I even saw his college transcript full of Cs, Ds, and Fs (he dropped out of college), which confirms he's DUMB.

What set me off this past weekend is he discussed my personal tax returns with his work friends. I lost it. I yelled, screamed, insulted him, told him he's a moron, etc. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to blab my personal financial situation to his stupid work friends. He said he didn't think it was something that should remain private. How could he possibly think that????? Because he's STUPID. He retreated and said he was sorry and left me alone.

Here's my question: Is it normal to feel these things after being cheated on?? I feel like I'm going back and forth between the "acceptance" and the "anger" stages. I look at him in a totally different way now! He's just a dumb idiot guy that I married and I'm ashamed I married someone so stupid! It's very confusing to me! Did anyone else feel this way?
 

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I discovered my WH's infidelity (massage parlors, drunk female friend hookups, sex forums, sexting) about 2 weeks after we got married on 9/1/12 (yes, that's right... 2 weeks). Long story short: life exploded, he became extremely religious and began seeing multiple counselors weekly (as did I). He's begging for a chance and says he will do anything I ask (yeah, right!). I haven't filed for divorce yet because I'm in the "fog" and am trying to clear my head before I do anything drastic. I went through the 5 stages pretty fast... but I'm starting to feel and see things about my WH that I was completely blind to before I married him. And anything.. I mean anything... will set me off. I lose it, and I explode at him.

For example, everytime I look at him, I think he's just stupid. As in, his IQ is that of a bug. He was stupid enough to make decisions which would ruin his life and his marriage, he doesn't think about the consequences of his actions, he doesn't have common sense, etc. For the day to day stuff: he doesn't know anyting about current events, says he likes certain political plans yet doesn't know anything about it, he can't spell, he comes home from his part-time job at Costco (he's also a fireman) and complains that he had to use his "brain" at work while signing up a new member (I'm a lawyer). I just think everything he does is STUPID. I even saw his college transcript full of Cs, Ds, and Fs (he dropped out of college), which confirms he's DUMB.

What set me off this past weekend is he discussed my personal tax returns with his work friends. I lost it. I yelled, screamed, insulted him, told him he's a moron, etc. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to blab my personal financial situation to his stupid work friends. He said he didn't think it was something that should remain private. How could he possibly think that????? Because he's STUPID.

Here's my question: Is it normal to feel these things after being cheated on?? I feel like I'm going back and forth between the "acceptance" and the "anger" stages. I look at him in a totally different way now! He's just a dumb idiot guy that I married and I'm ashamed I married someone so stupid! It's very confusing to me! Did anyone else feel this way?
Why did you marry him? Did he have any redeeming traits prior to your discovery that he's a cheat? I guess I would go for an annulment or something quick- it sounds like you not only don't love him, but don't like him even. Can't say I blame you! Good luck! Oh to answer your question, I was very mad sad hurt upon discovering my H 's EA, but I only thought he was naive and clueless in that one area, not realizing the thin ice he was skating on, but I never felt he was an idiot in any other area of his life.
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It sounds like he's the victim now. Your abusive and demeaning ways certainly are not conducive to R.

What does him complaining about signing up a new member at work have to do with you being a lawyer? Do you throw that in his stupid face as well?
 

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It sounds like he's the victim now. Your abusive and demeaning ways certainly are not conducive to R.

What does him complaining about signing up a new member at work have to do with you being a lawyer? Do you throw that in his stupid face as well?
I'm also in the same boat. What can I do to avoid being abusive and demeaning ways? I can't sympathize with what happened to me, I mean, during cheating phase, I was abused and demeaned?? Just need advise how to handle R phase knowing all the A details?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
It sounds like he's the victim now. Your abusive and demeaning ways certainly are not conducive to R.

What does him complaining about signing up a new member at work have to do with you being a lawyer? Do you throw that in his stupid face as well?
Yes I did. I have to use my brain every day and for him to complain about it for one day is ridiculous to me. I can't believe he thinks that way about work. Its shameful.

I also feel that he deserves every bit of what he's getting. Its amazing, but I just don't care anymore. I don't care if I hurt his feelings, I don't care if he walks away, I just don't care. I never felt like this before but after all his betrayal and lies, its like he just killed the love. I don't know how to explain it... it just died. I'm trying to see if I can get it back, but its so hard with all these negative thoughts of him. I'm trying to put it aside, but I need tips on how to do that! Help!
 

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It's hard NOT to be angry when you first learn of the betrayal, or when you are trickle truthed more details and have to be angry all over again.

Anger is a part of the process of recovery. In my case I was shocked, then depressed, THEN I got angry. After getting angry (I still am to a certain extent) - I started feeling better. Hopefully, the anger will eventually subside completely and I'll be able to move on as a normal (i.e. as "normal" as I can be) person.

Having said that, it sounds like you simply don't like your husband very much. It's one thing to be angry at his lies, and his character - but when you start to belittle things which he can't really help - then like the other posters, I wonder what you saw in him to get married?

Since it WAS such a short term marriage, maybe you should seek an annulment, if that's possible.
 

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I remember your original thread. The details were very damning. His behavior was deal-breaking, in my opinion.

It sounds like what he did has killed any kindness, tenderness, or empathy you felt for him before you discovered his betrayals. His transgressions are so over the top that you must have been immediately asking yourself whether you ever knew him at all. And now you're getting to know what you think is the real 'him' & you don't much like what that is.

He degraded you and now you're degrading him.

This is not at all a healthy dynamic for any kind of relationship, no less a fragile attempt to reconcile a new marriage.
 

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I discovered my WH's infidelity (massage parlors, drunk female friend hookups, sex forums, sexting) about 2 weeks after we got married on 9/1/12 (yes, that's right... 2 weeks). Long story short: life exploded, he became extremely religious and began seeing multiple counselors weekly (as did I). He's begging for a chance and says he will do anything I ask (yeah, right!). I haven't filed for divorce yet because I'm in the "fog" and am trying to clear my head before I do anything drastic. I went through the 5 stages pretty fast... but I'm starting to feel and see things about my WH that I was completely blind to before I married him. And anything.. I mean anything... will set me off. I lose it, and I explode at him.

For example, everytime I look at him, I think he's just stupid. As in, his IQ is that of a bug. He was stupid enough to make decisions which would ruin his life and his marriage, he doesn't think about the consequences of his actions, he doesn't have common sense, etc. For the day to day stuff: he doesn't know anyting about current events, says he likes certain political plans yet doesn't know anything about it, he can't spell, he comes home from his part-time job at Costco (he's also a fireman) and complains that he had to use his "brain" at work while signing up a new member (I'm a lawyer). I just think everything he does is STUPID. I even saw his college transcript full of Cs, Ds, and Fs (he dropped out of college), which confirms he's DUMB.

What set me off this past weekend is he discussed my personal tax returns with his work friends. I lost it. I yelled, screamed, insulted him, told him he's a moron, etc. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to blab my personal financial situation to his stupid work friends. He said he didn't think it was something that should remain private. How could he possibly think that????? Because he's STUPID.

Here's my question: Is it normal to feel these things after being cheated on?? I feel like I'm going back and forth between the "acceptance" and the "anger" stages. I look at him in a totally different way now! He's just a dumb idiot guy that I married and I'm ashamed I married someone so stupid! It's very confusing to me! Did anyone else feel this way?
Yes, it is normal to vacillate emotionally as you are doing after learning of infidelities.

If you loved him for who he was, prior, you have now lost respect for him after learning of his infidelities.

Now, every thing he does makes you angry. It's normal.

If not addressed, however, it will prevent healing. You need to get counseling, if you want to save the marriage.

I agree with Alte Dame though. Seems like there was a lot of damage to get past.
 

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Are you living together under the same roof? Does he know you feel this way about him? If he did Im sure he wouldnt want to reconcile and since you dont care, its a win win situation for both of you, huh?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you Alte Dame. I think you hit the nail on the head. You're good with words. :) This situation definitely sucks. I wonder if there's any way for it to be healed.. ? Or maybe I should just give up... :(
 

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(Although I will offer the tiniest, measliest defense of your WH when I say that not being able to spell a language like English, with its highly irregular system, doesn't correlate with intelligence. :-/ Not that anything really gets him off the hook, of course....)
 

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This situation definitely sucks. I wonder if there's any way for it to be healed.. ? Or maybe I should just give up... :(
Given what he did, do you have any feelings of love for him?

Remember that many people go through a form of PTSD after learning of infidelity. What you discovered must have completely reordered your universe, it was so out-of-the-blue and extreme - almost like your H had two completely different lives. So, your dislocation is probably also extreme.

I would think you would want to give yourself a lot of time away from him to help you come to terms with everything (and I do mean everything, because you have to understand things about yourself, about him, and about the two of you together).
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I guess I still love him... kind of. I guess. hehe, not too convincing am I? Maybe I still don't know? If I still love him, I definitely don't love him as much as I did before all of this.

We're separated and he lives with his family now. We've been communicating via phone. But you're right: I will distance myself from him more and cut communication. It's better that way.
 

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Victim:

My W has been extremely angry at me - w/ good reason.

However, she hasn't questioned my intelligence (though I definitely have - it takes an idiot to do what I've done). Although she has gone for the jugular and said some untrue, hurtful things in our past arguments, in our discussions about the things I've done to destroy our marriage, she has managed to confine her criticisms to the pertinent subject(s).

But she's not a lawyer, I'm relatively intelligent, and I have a fairly decent command of the language.

I cen speil gud, two. :)
 

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One more comment V789 - I work daily with people who have learning challenges & I'm getting some whiffs of dyslexia or ADD with what you're saying about your H. (His impulsive behavior is also a potential flag.) Many people with these issues are very intelligent, but perform poorly in standard schools.

On a different note, if there's to be any consideration of R after the scope of what you discovered, you should first do serious checking that he isn't continuing his behavior. You don't just turn around what he was doing in a few months.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Ahhh.. dyslexia or ADD... That might be a possibility. He certainly doesn't think before he does things. It's like he doesn't have the capability to foresee potential repercussions of his actions.

I have been monitoring his actions like a hawk: tacking his emails, cell phone, texts, parental controls on his computer, etc. Part of me is angry that this is my life now: checking, being a spy, and being a parent to him. I also told him that I plan to polygraph him at any time without advance notice to keep him in check, and he must submit to it. He agreed.
 

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Ahhh.. dyslexia or ADD... That might be a possibility. He certainly doesn't think before he does things. It's like he doesn't have the capability to foresee potential repercussions of his actions.
"ADD made me do it"...that's the ticket!
After reading up on it a while back, I self-diagnosed myself w/ AAAD (everything fits), but I don't think my W is gonna give me a pass on that.

Seriously - good job on setting up your surveillance. I know it sucks that you're having to do this, but if there is any chance for R, you'll definitely have to be assured his cheating behavior has stopped.

I truly wish that I had been "found out" five years ago. Even if it had been a "deal-breaker" at the time, at least I wouldn't have had the unfettered opportunity to continue hurting a very faithful woman, and she could've moved on much sooner.

Good luck to you, V789 - whatever path this takes.
 
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The ADD or dyslexia comment has to do with OP's comments about his intelligence, not his outsized betrayal of her.
Understood, aD - I was being a bit flip
 
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