In September, my husband said he was unhappy. In October, I found out he's having an affair with a 23 year old, he's 50. He doesn't want marriage counseling, nothing, he wants out. He moved out a week ago. This Thursday we are talking to a mediator to file for divorce. Has it happened this quickly for anyone else? We have two children under 5. I keep thinking he will come to his senses.
How can things happen so fast?
- Status
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
NO . It never happens so fast. Period
He's been unhappy for awhile and in September he finally has the balls to tell you .
How old are you ? Not that it matters that much but if he is with 23 y-o you DON'T have any chance ! Don't even bother to try , it will be wasting time and energy !
180 and go dark. Soon or late the 23 y-o will dump him anyways ... then he'll realize what hes done to him self and will come back and ask you to take him. Be prepared about this .
If you wanna mess up with him and make him really sick , get you self an 25 y-o boy toy and you'll see his reaction
Good luck and stay strong !
He's been unhappy for awhile and in September he finally has the balls to tell you .
How old are you ? Not that it matters that much but if he is with 23 y-o you DON'T have any chance ! Don't even bother to try , it will be wasting time and energy !
180 and go dark. Soon or late the 23 y-o will dump him anyways ... then he'll realize what hes done to him self and will come back and ask you to take him. Be prepared about this .
If you wanna mess up with him and make him really sick , get you self an 25 y-o boy toy and you'll see his reaction
Good luck and stay strong !
Joined
·
357 Posts
It happens that fast for us - but as BigMac said, for them it has been a long time coming.
My situation was sorta similar in that I thought me and STBXH were doing great then outta the blue we have an argument over something I discovered on our phone bill and the next day we agreed to separate and 3 days later I had moved out of the house. Funny, my STBXH also chose a 23 yo over me, as well.
I agree w/ BM and suggest the 180 - it'll do wonders for you yourself as person being able to move on and focus on yourself.
Chin up honey & keep us posted!
My situation was sorta similar in that I thought me and STBXH were doing great then outta the blue we have an argument over something I discovered on our phone bill and the next day we agreed to separate and 3 days later I had moved out of the house. Funny, my STBXH also chose a 23 yo over me, as well.
I agree w/ BM and suggest the 180 - it'll do wonders for you yourself as person being able to move on and focus on yourself.
Chin up honey & keep us posted!
Joined
·
858 Posts
In my case I knew we were having some issues. Wife going out all the time and staying out partying all night, but because of her reassurance she was just going through some stuff and loved me dearly and "Never wants to lose" me I never saw it coming. Took me a month to move out because I had to find and buy a place to live, but seemed rather quick to me. For the person on the receiving end it goes from being hugged and told you are loved to being told they are no longer in love with you.
Wow nowhere your story is just like mine. My STBXW who walked out 4 months ago did alot of partying and hanging around single people in a college town. From what my friends are telling me (still following her on facebook) is that she is still partying and acting pretty immature. I did tell them not to go into detail b/c i didn't want to know. I hope she falls flat on her ass and becomes broke. I hate people who end marriages just to be single again.
Be careful with the divorce mediation.
On the one hand, it's great that you two seem to be "amicable" (I hate that word) enough to work together to split up your assets. But, on the other hand, 2 children under 5 together, and your ex will be wanting to support his new lifestyle with his 23 year old girlfriend (who he is undoubtedly "wooing" with gifts & experiences that men her own age can't provide her).
Make sure you get your own lawyer to look over the paperwork. don't forget to think about things like college costs for your kids, whether there will be increased child care costs, and if you are going to try to negotiate some restrictions on what your kids will be exposed to when they spend time with their dad.
So sorry you have to go through this. And, like the other posters I do not think this relationship with the 23 year old will last. Of course, your H may not care. He may just be trying to have as much fun as he can and d*** the consequences.
On the one hand, it's great that you two seem to be "amicable" (I hate that word) enough to work together to split up your assets. But, on the other hand, 2 children under 5 together, and your ex will be wanting to support his new lifestyle with his 23 year old girlfriend (who he is undoubtedly "wooing" with gifts & experiences that men her own age can't provide her).
Make sure you get your own lawyer to look over the paperwork. don't forget to think about things like college costs for your kids, whether there will be increased child care costs, and if you are going to try to negotiate some restrictions on what your kids will be exposed to when they spend time with their dad.
So sorry you have to go through this. And, like the other posters I do not think this relationship with the 23 year old will last. Of course, your H may not care. He may just be trying to have as much fun as he can and d*** the consequences.
I only know about the affair because the 23 year old and HER boyfriend of 2 years came to my house to tell me. My husband may be with someone else but I don't think he's with the 23 year old. So I don't know...for him to throw away our marriage for someone that isn't even with him seems insane.
Joined
·
858 Posts
I'm hoping the same. Though I question myself for why I want that. Just to see her fail or hoping she comes running back? If its the later I hope I'm strong enough to tell her NO.
My W is with recovering drug-attic , no job no car atm , does that sound logic to you ?
Joined
·
466 Posts
lol. We're two peas bub. I feel exactly the same way!
Joined
·
466 Posts
I believe mine happened quick. 4 days before the "teens" showed up to help with our haunted house, she came to me while I was laying on the bed "I love you so much" I said "Are you happy with me still?" "Ohh I'm very happy, I don't know why you're still with me but I'm very happy. You better never leave me, I don't' know what I"d do w/o you."
2 weeks later she had been flirting with them ever since they showed up. We had a blow up fight over her spending all her time with them and not any with me. I got scared and said "maybe we need a divorce then" I do this when I get scared for us, Probly 3rd time in 11 years. She said "Maybe that's not a bad idea"
about 2 weeks later she slept with a 19 yro. 2 months later, we're getting a D. OM is gone, but she said she's happy with me not in her life. She even said "Have you watched me at work? (theater)" I said "No, why?" She said "I'm HAPPY now. I'm happy where I'm at, I dont' want you. I don't want this anymore. I want to be alone"
So yeah, 2.5 -3 months it went from happy happy joy joy to ... garbage. MLC? I don't know. But it was over the night it blew up. She asked me to sleep in the theater and that was it.
So in 3 months, we went from having awesome love and happiness and a great chance to make a new life with our new business (haunted house) to losing our azz on the business, losing our house, losing our cash. Being in debt. Moving in with my friend and her, her brother's house. Lost a few of my new friends. I'm jobless now. can't find a job. I'm a felon.
My world completely upside down. 3 months. To me that's pretty quick. Now, unless she's been hiding things? I don't know, but if so, why would she COME TO ME and tell me these things about being happy and love? This wasn't the only time either. She did this plenty.
2 weeks later she had been flirting with them ever since they showed up. We had a blow up fight over her spending all her time with them and not any with me. I got scared and said "maybe we need a divorce then" I do this when I get scared for us, Probly 3rd time in 11 years. She said "Maybe that's not a bad idea"
about 2 weeks later she slept with a 19 yro. 2 months later, we're getting a D. OM is gone, but she said she's happy with me not in her life. She even said "Have you watched me at work? (theater)" I said "No, why?" She said "I'm HAPPY now. I'm happy where I'm at, I dont' want you. I don't want this anymore. I want to be alone"
So yeah, 2.5 -3 months it went from happy happy joy joy to ... garbage. MLC? I don't know. But it was over the night it blew up. She asked me to sleep in the theater and that was it.
So in 3 months, we went from having awesome love and happiness and a great chance to make a new life with our new business (haunted house) to losing our azz on the business, losing our house, losing our cash. Being in debt. Moving in with my friend and her, her brother's house. Lost a few of my new friends. I'm jobless now. can't find a job. I'm a felon.
My world completely upside down. 3 months. To me that's pretty quick. Now, unless she's been hiding things? I don't know, but if so, why would she COME TO ME and tell me these things about being happy and love? This wasn't the only time either. She did this plenty.
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
You mean they find the financial stability attractive.
Joined
·
406 Posts
I'll echo many of the others here. It happens VERY fast for some of us on these boards but fairly slowly as far as I Can tell for our STBX's.
I was talking to someone today who just found out what happened to me and it happens that the last time I talked to them was 2 days before I found out about the affair was told she wanted a D (she threw that at me when I asked her about the affair). This person was shocked and reminded me that I had been telling them how happy we were, that we were trying for a baby and looking to buy a home. Three days later (a Monday) I was talking to a lawyer.
My STBX claims she had the affair for less than a month, but had been unhappy for at least 6 months ... During which we were trying for a baby (and had our miscarriage). Color me shocked.
This is why some of struggle so much. We are months behind our spouses in "letting go"
I was talking to someone today who just found out what happened to me and it happens that the last time I talked to them was 2 days before I found out about the affair was told she wanted a D (she threw that at me when I asked her about the affair). This person was shocked and reminded me that I had been telling them how happy we were, that we were trying for a baby and looking to buy a home. Three days later (a Monday) I was talking to a lawyer.
My STBX claims she had the affair for less than a month, but had been unhappy for at least 6 months ... During which we were trying for a baby (and had our miscarriage). Color me shocked.
This is why some of struggle so much. We are months behind our spouses in "letting go"
Joined
·
453 Posts
It was "I love you so much", "I love our little family, and it's you and me forever." All said one week before she tells me she's in love with a 60 yo guy from work (she's 43).
Moved out, now after 6 months we're divorcing. Of course, she checked out long before Dday. You can't control another person, just have to let them go, and they will crash and burn. Most affairs implode within several months, especially if they are living together.
I've detached, looking forward to a new life with a better person someday. Stay strong, it's bad, but it WILL get better.
Moved out, now after 6 months we're divorcing. Of course, she checked out long before Dday. You can't control another person, just have to let them go, and they will crash and burn. Most affairs implode within several months, especially if they are living together.
I've detached, looking forward to a new life with a better person someday. Stay strong, it's bad, but it WILL get better.
Joined
·
40 Posts
Same deal: "You are the love of my life," "You know you're the most important person in my life, right?" sweet notes under my pillow, the whole deal then bang, i come home from work to a note!!
ILYBIDLY and him telling me I'm crazy, unbearable, etc etc etc. We just bought the house of our dreams, "I love our life" blah blah blah. Its AMAZING how many people have the same thing.
So I ask: "Is there someone else?" Well "Of course not?" But.....of course there is.....
So sorry. Its so painful. There is no answer for their behavior, and they will try to blame you- don't accept it, they have "issues" all their own.
ILYBIDLY and him telling me I'm crazy, unbearable, etc etc etc. We just bought the house of our dreams, "I love our life" blah blah blah. Its AMAZING how many people have the same thing.
So I ask: "Is there someone else?" Well "Of course not?" But.....of course there is.....
So sorry. Its so painful. There is no answer for their behavior, and they will try to blame you- don't accept it, they have "issues" all their own.
strzzy,
in some ways "fast" is a gift. although you feel like you're being hit by a train that is stopping to pick up passengers in order to back up over you and then make way for the express, which is... well, you get the idea. fast sucks. but if it's not going to work it's better in the long run that you're not hung out to dry in the gray zone of "maybe".
my x and i got divorced about 8 weeks after separation. it would have happened much much sooner on her end but she was studying for the Bar exam and the second it was done she processed the paperwork.
so, yes. it can happen fast.
in some ways "fast" is a gift. although you feel like you're being hit by a train that is stopping to pick up passengers in order to back up over you and then make way for the express, which is... well, you get the idea. fast sucks. but if it's not going to work it's better in the long run that you're not hung out to dry in the gray zone of "maybe".
my x and i got divorced about 8 weeks after separation. it would have happened much much sooner on her end but she was studying for the Bar exam and the second it was done she processed the paperwork.
so, yes. it can happen fast.
Joined
·
858 Posts
I know I was months behind on this, but it doesn't help when the spouse strings you along the whole time with reassurance about how much they love and adore you. Mine was always saying she was just going through a rough patch or unhappy, but adding "its not you. I love you more then anything!" blah blah blah.
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
- Status
Join the discussion
