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Why didn't YOU initiate? If it is more than a day and I don't, my wife does. That long time period was just as much your doing as it was his. If you don't want to initiate, then make it clear throughout e the day you are ready and willing.

My wife and I have been married 25 yrs and act like honeymooners, can't keep our hands off each other. That sends me a signal that she is game if I initiate. Come to think of it, she has not turned me down in 8-9 yrs. There are times I will not initiate if she is not feeling well or I know she is really tired.
You obviously haven't read my thread describing my situation in detail. I used to try to initiate--for years. However my husband usually rejected me. He was "too tired," his "stomach hurt," or he was "just not thinking about it." And if he did go along with it, the sex wasn't as good as if he initiated it. So after years of rejection, I quit and left it up to him. Sometimes I would still flirt and let him know I was in the mood. But that was also usually met with absolutely no reciprocation. He only flirts when HE's in the mood for sex. So our pattern changed to: He flirts when he's in the mood. Then I flirt back. Then he initiates and I accept. Any other combination usually results in nothing.
 

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You obviously haven't read my thread describing my situation in detail. I used to try to initiate--for years. However my husband usually rejected me. He was "too tired," his "stomach hurt," or he was "just not thinking about it." And if he did go along with it, the sex wasn't as good as if he initiated it. So after years of rejection, I quit and left it up to him. Sometimes I would still flirt and let him know I was in the mood. But that was also usually met with absolutely no reciprocation. He only flirts when HE's in the mood for sex. So our pattern changed to: He flirts when he's in the mood. Then I flirt back. Then he initiates and I accept. Any other combination usually results in nothing.
That seems like a common problem mentioned here.... Who initiates and then how its received. If the reception rate is not in the higher percentages, the person almost always feels rejected and after a while stops initiating.

Hearing 'No' to an initiation of sex too much definitely puts a damper on things. I know not everyone always says 'Yes' but I think that 'Yes' has to outnumber 'No' for success.
 

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You obviously haven't read my thread describing my situation in detail. I used to try to initiate--for years. However my husband usually rejected me. He was "too tired," his "stomach hurt," or he was "just not thinking about it." And if he did go along with it, the sex wasn't as good as if he initiated it. So after years of rejection, I quit and left it up to him. Sometimes I would still flirt and let him know I was in the mood. But that was also usually met with absolutely no reciprocation. He only flirts when HE's in the mood for sex. So our pattern changed to: He flirts when he's in the mood. Then I flirt back. Then he initiates and I accept. Any other combination usually results in nothing.
You didn't mention there was another thread when you started this one. How old is hubby? If over 35 and he is not initiating and nothing else has changed, neither has become obese, mental, etc. I would always check T levels.

Tired and not really interested in sex all that much, scream Low T. I started T injections at 37, my prescribing Urologist started at 34-35? So young men can suffer from low testosterone. If T is good, there are other issues to contend with.
 

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I can't get my head around how some couples go months or even years without sex. I've read stories complaining of no sex for over 5 years and yet they still remain married? How is that even possible.

What is the point in staying together? Regardless of how "great" your marriage is in other areas. If one has a need for sex and isnt getting it, how can the good things in a marriage make up for that?

I understand if you have kids and dont want to break the family apart. But surely your kids will see this disconnect. I would rather them see me happy with someone else. Personally if I go without sex even for a week I start to get bitter. I have to release that sexual tension. Not just by getting myself off, what's the point in giving yourself to one women/man if she turns you down, has no desire and just starfishes. I would be an absolute wreck after a month of no sex with my wife let alone a year.

Is it the fear you can't do better than her/him? Too depantdant on your partner for other things? Interested to hear the mindset and reasons behind it.
Everything is fine outside the bedroom and we even managed to have two kids without intercourse and there is no way either of us would break up our family. Plus the old "pro leave" trope about the kids knowing is B.S. The marriage is great despite the sex and nobody, much less children have any idea what does, or does not happen behind closed doors of the bedroom.
 

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Everything is fine outside the bedroom and we even managed to have two kids without intercourse and there is no way either of us would break up our family. Plus the old "pro leave" trope about the kids knowing is B.S. The marriage is great despite the sex and nobody, much less children have any idea what does, or does not happen behind closed doors of the bedroom.
But, and a big but, is that your marriage has always been sexless, has it not?
 

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If having sex doesn't automatically make you (generalized) married, then a lack of it doesn't automatically make you not married. Maybe that is how you personally feel and run your life by, but many others hold other priorities.
Well ****. That's very well and simply put, and accurate.
 

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Everything is fine outside the bedroom and we even managed to have two kids without intercourse and there is no way either of us would break up our family. Plus the old "pro leave" trope about the kids knowing is B.S. The marriage is great despite the sex and nobody, much less children have any idea what does, or does not happen behind closed doors of the bedroom.
If you are happy, no problem, then!
 

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Duty sex probably looks like the following:

The person is only sharing sex with their spouse, because they feel they have a duty to, as a consequence of believing that they have an obligation to share that sex, all while having no actual desire to share that sex.

Again uggh. The whole idea of participating in duty sex, makes me feel like washing myself in bleach.

The thing is, even though my wife and I share a considerable amount of frequent sex. Neither of us buy into never turning each other down. And both of us turn each other down with reasonabl frequency, because there are occasions when one of us doesn't want to share sex at that moment. All of which contributes to making the frequent sex that we do share, better in the sharing of it since both of us desire sharing it.

It really ought to be perfectly fine to not share sex when one doesn't feel like sharing it, despite being married to someone who wants to share it in that moment.

Now I know there are lots of people who feel that they and their spouses ought to share sex with each other, whenever the other wants it. Yet I can't help but feel that approach is for the most part is counterproductive. Since for the long haul it's probably more likely to make sex feel more like a chore in the duty of sharing it. Versus it being more of a pleasure as a consequence of sharing it when all parties have a desire to do so.
An unaroused male cannot have any kind of sex much less
"mercy" sex, it is physically impossible.
 

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An unaroused male cannot have any kind of sex much less
"mercy" sex, it is physically impossible.
It is much more common for the woman to be the one providing "duty" sex, so what you bring up isn't typically what is discussed. Also, my bet is if there was a guy giving duty sex I suspect a woman could figure out how to get him from unaroused to aroused. And there's always porn.
 

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An unaroused male cannot have any kind of sex much less
"mercy" sex, it is physically impossible.
Incorrect....maybe....depending on how you are using aroused. Typically when applied to men that means having an erection. IN which case your statement is false. Sex, outside of procreation mechanics, is more than just PIV. Even men with ED can have sex with their SO, even to the point, with some training and practice, having an orgasm, even if it is lacking ejaculation.

Now if you mean sexually stimulated to the point of wanting sex regardless of capability, then maybe, but oral and digital are still options even for mercy sex.
 

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Not sure why people stay, every situation is different as many have stated already. As for me, I’ve been in a miserable marriage for quite a few years but I’m almost ready to hang it up. My reasons for staying have to do with having a disabled adult child and a financially inept wife all while balancing a military career. But I’m near retirement and would like to enjoy life a little before my time is up. I’ve made my position clear on numerous occasions to her to no avail, and am definitely in a roommate situation but worse really because roommates at least share some financial responsibilities. I’m married but don’t have a partner, more like an additional dependent.
 

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Not sure why people stay, every situation is different as many have stated already. As for me, I’ve been in a miserable marriage for quite a few years but I’m almost ready to hang it up. My reasons for staying have to do with having a disabled adult child and a financially inept wife all while balancing a military career. But I’m near retirement and would like to enjoy life a little before my time is up. I’ve made my position clear on numerous occasions to her to no avail, and am definitely in a roommate situation but worse really because roommates at least share some financial responsibilities. I’m married but don’t have a partner, more like an additional dependent.
My marriage feels like that sometimes so you aren't alone.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do and also, thank you for your military service.
 

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We get along better in separate households though she's struggling a bit in supporting herself and controlling spending. That's not my problem anymore and she can't get mad at me for when she can't afford something anymore. I can't describe how happy that makes me feel.
I feel this, especially that last sentence.

It sounds bad, but my ex's struggles lift my spirits. For all the times she said I didn't make that much, didn't do much at hone, and nobody would want me seeing her be that person herself is appropriate, if ironic, justice.
 

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As noted before, some people experience a decrease in drive and are fine with little sex; some tolerate it because doing so seems preferable to divorce.

Also, some marry people to whom they are not sexually attracted and perhaps don't love in any way. Arranged marriages are still a thing. So too are loneliness; poverty; family, social, religious pressure.
 

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For all the complaining I've done over the years, it's very apparent that I'm the one to blame for the entire mess. And even though a divorce would be the best thing for both of us, I'll never leave because I've completely lost faith in my own sexuality. I have no confidence when it comes to intimacy ...so I'll just continue to try to make the best of everything I have. Kindness, support, and friendship are all that I can offer anyone now.
 

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On paper yes. Unless there's a genuine medical condition, accepting sex once a year, unless both parties are on board, I would see that marriage having an expiry date. All depends on the person being rejected and what he/she is willing to tolerate. Especially if that person is of enough value to easily find enother partner.
Do the same rules apply if one spouse is constantly neglected emotionally. Sex is an important need, so is emotional support and attention. I think it is hard to have one without the other and another reason for dead bedrooms or lack of spontaneous sex. Men bond emotionally through sex but not all women do. Emotional neglect exacerbates the dead bedroom scenario.
 

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I can't get my head around how some couples go months or even years without sex.
It seems like this is a path I’m heading down. I think about it but some days mentally and physically I’m just not interested. I might want it once or twice a month. My wife not so much and wants it all the time.
 
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