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There is truth to some seeking martyrdom.

There used to be a podcast called “ The Sexless Marriage Struggle”

It was by a guy in his 40s that called himself Chris who’s wife had not touched him in 10 years. In fact they only had sex in the first few years of their marriage until they had 2 kids and then she stopped.

He would carry on about how miserable he was and how deeply it had effected his self esteem and confidence and enjoyment of life.

He would frequently read emails from his listeners who would pretty much universally urge him to divorce and move on.

He would spend the rest of the podcast lecturing on how he had made “vows” and that he was a man of honor and fortitude that’s keeps his promises blah blah blah.

So in other words he would whine and moan about how miserable he was in a sexless marriage, but then turn right around and brag and boast about how honorable he was and how much strength and integrity he has for tolerating it and living with it like people get some kind medal or plague on the wall for living with deprivation and misery.

So for some people, it really is a martyr thing.

You can see some of the same thing here where people will talk about how miserable they are,, but then almost brag about how they are standing by their vows and how much misery and hardship they can take.
Vows!? How about forsaking all others? Some spouses start forsaking their own spouses too by refusing intimacy. I believe refusing intimacy with a spouse because you just no longer feel like it, is sexually immoral behavior because that spouse is bound to you.
 

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Vows!? How about forsaking all others? Some spouses start forsaking their own spouses too by refusing intimacy. I believe refusing intimacy with a spouse because you just no longer feel like it, is sexually immoral behavior because that spouse is bound to you.
Too bad the LD spouse usually doesn't see it that way or if they do, they just give out duty sex.
 

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Too bad the LD spouse usually doesn't see it that way or if they do, they just give out duty sex.
yes, but if they have no drive or not attracted anymore, or whatever, then duty sex is what you are going to get. Now, if the "content" of the duty sex is good, then it's a bit more bearable... :) if not, it's divorce, but we all know that's not very viable in many situations.
 

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But your's know that you can add another woman if they are no longer available. They have to keep up their game.
No, that's just it. They could both go sexless and they would still be my wives. A lack of sex is not going to change that. Especially since I can get sex itself outside the marriage. But that is by how we define our marriage. For others, that same situation would mean they are no longer in a marriage, regardless of their legal status. Others define their marriage purely on that legal status. Their marriages are not defined by me or mine. Ours is not defined by them. All anyone can do is state whether a given situation would be a marriage for themselves.
 

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Too bad the LD spouse usually doesn't see it that way or if they do, they just give out duty sex.
If all someone's got going for them with their spouse is duty sex, they'd probably experience more enthusiasm from a sex worker who is getting paid for it.

As for myself if things became so bleak that they devolve to duty sex, I'd stop sharing sex with that person, because uggh.
 

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Vows!? How about forsaking all others? Some spouses start forsaking their own spouses too by refusing intimacy. I believe refusing intimacy with a spouse because you just no longer feel like it, is sexually immoral behavior because that spouse is bound to you.
That depends.

Each spouse also has a responsibility to keep themselves desirable and treat each other decently.

If one puts on 100lbs and let’s themself go and has BO and bad breath and rotten teeth, then it’s on them if their partner doesn’t want to touch them.
 

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As for myself if things became so bleak that they devolve to duty sex, I'd stop sharing sex with that person, because uggh.
But what's duty sex? What if your partner is very much involved and sex is great when it happens? It's still duty sex, I guess, but it's no starfish sex. Or is this responsive desire? But with responsive desire surely the frequency is a lot higher?
 

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I used to wish my dad would find someone else that actually loved him and divorce my mom. I lost a lot of respect for how he tolerated mom's crap. Have no respect for mom due to the way she treated dad.
Those who turn their cheek when abused, are said to be observant Christians.
If they do this 'overlooking' for deep spiritual reasons, or even for true intellectual reasons, I accept that.

Those who turn their cheek because they are 'meek', I do pity.

There are many lambs in our midst.
That is their makeup.

Others make lamb, their prey.
I pity their suffering.


SunCMars-
 

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But what's duty sex? What if your partner is very much involved and sex is great when it happens? It's still duty sex, I guess, but it's no starfish sex. Or is this responsive desire? But with responsive desire surely the frequency is a lot higher?
You would think so, but maybe not. If your initiation skills are poor overall or not in tune with what gets the RD partner going, the frequency could be quite low. That's where communication is key, but it will only work if all else is pretty good in the marriage and sex is the only "issue".

I also agree with you that duty sex may not be all bad. As you say, just because it is duty sex doesn't mean it is starfish sex. It isn't uncommon to use scheduled sex as a step in resolving this kind of issue. I would call that duty sex, but that doesn't make it bad. It just puts some structure around it. That may sound very clinical and not very spontaneous, but it is a good compromise when you have a partner that does enjoy sex, but doesn't think about it often enough to make it a priority.
 

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You would think so, but maybe not. If your initiation skills are poor overall or not in tune with what gets the RD partner going, the frequency could be quite low. That's where communication is key, but it will only work if all else is pretty good in the marriage and sex is the only "issue".

I also agree with you that duty sex may not be all bad. As you say, just because it is duty sex doesn't mean it is starfish sex. It isn't uncommon to use scheduled sex as a step in resolving this kind of issue. I would call that duty sex, but that doesn't make it bad. It just puts some structure around it. That may sound very clinical and not very spontaneous, but it is a good compromise when you have a partner that does enjoy sex, but doesn't think about it often enough to make it a priority.
That's what we did. We compromised, after we established the level of responsiveness. The frequency wasn't great for me, but if that meant the sex was good, then so be it... until she decided she was too fat for sex... :rolleyes:
 

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But what's duty sex? What if your partner is very much involved and sex is great when it happens? It's still duty sex, I guess, but it's no starfish sex. Or is this responsive desire? But with responsive desire surely the frequency is a lot higher?
Duty sex probably looks like the following:

The person is only sharing sex with their spouse, because they feel they have a duty to, as a consequence of believing that they have an obligation to share that sex, all while having no actual desire to share that sex.

Again uggh. The whole idea of participating in duty sex, makes me feel like washing myself in bleach.

The thing is, even though my wife and I share a considerable amount of frequent sex. Neither of us buy into never turning each other down. And both of us turn each other down with reasonabl frequency, because there are occasions when one of us doesn't want to share sex at that moment. All of which contributes to making the frequent sex that we do share, better in the sharing of it since both of us desire sharing it.

It really ought to be perfectly fine to not share sex when one doesn't feel like sharing it, despite being married to someone who wants to share it in that moment.

Now I know there are lots of people who feel that they and their spouses ought to share sex with each other, whenever the other wants it. Yet I can't help but feel that approach is for the most part is counterproductive. Since for the long haul it's probably more likely to make sex feel more like a chore in the duty of sharing it. Versus it being more of a pleasure as a consequence of sharing it when all parties have a desire to do so.
 

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Duty sex probably looks like the following:

The person is only sharing sex with their spouse, because they feel they have a duty to, as a consequence of believing that they have an obligation to share that sex, all while having no actual desire to share that sex.

Again uggh. The whole idea of participating in duty sex, makes me feel like washing myself in bleach.

The thing is, even though my wife and I share a considerable amount of frequent sex. Neither of us buy into never turning each other down. And both of us turn each other down with reasonably frequency, because there are occasions when one of us don't want to share sex at that moment. All of which contributes to making the frequent sex that we do share, better in the sharing of it since both of us desire sharing it.

It really ought to be perfectly fine to not share sex when one doesn't feel like sharing it, despite being married to someone who wants to share it in that moment.

Now I know there are lots of people who feel that they and their spouses ought to share sex with each other, whenever the other wants it. Yet I can't help but feel that approach is for the most part is counterproductive. Since for the long haul it's probably more likely to make sex feel more like a chore in the duty of sharing it. Versus it being more of a pleasure as a consequence of sharing it when all parties have a desire to do so.
Yes, I agree with this... but I think many wives have sex with their husbands because they want them to be happy and also they have responsive desire. You could call this duty sex too, I guess... because they don't really "feel" or have desire for it in the first place...
 

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I've been in a sexless marriage for over 10 years. No physical intimacy at all beyond hugs, goodnight kisses, and the occasional cuddle. It's a long story, but essentially, there is no 'spark' to rekindle, no romance to be restored. All intimate feelings left the building long ago. We both love each other, but we haven't been 'in love' for almost 20 years.

Our financial situation doesn't allow either of us to leave. Thankfully, there is still kindness, laughter, and support in the house - and that makes day to day life reasonable.

Even though they say it takes '2 to Tango', I feel completely responsible, completely inadequate, and completely terrified to start over. I've failed as a husband, but I'm trying to succeed now as a friend. As for urges and needs, I just relieve tension when I get alone time.
 

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I've been in a sexless marriage for over 10 years. No physical intimacy at all beyond hugs, goodnight kisses, and the occasional cuddle. It's a long story, but essentially, there is no 'spark' to rekindle, no romance to be restored. All intimate feelings left the building long ago. We both love each other, but we haven't been 'in love' for almost 20 years.

Our financial situation doesn't allow either of us to leave. Thankfully, there is still kindness, laughter, and support in the house - and that makes day to day life reasonable.

Even though they say it takes '2 to Tango', I feel completely responsible, completely inadequate, and completely terrified to start over. I've failed as a husband, but I'm trying to succeed now as a friend. As for urges and needs, I just relieve tension when I get alone time.
I'm glad that works for you, but unless one of us has a physical issue that prevents physical intimacy I don't think I could live like that. I fell like the resentment would build too much. Even if I couldn't perform anymore I would find a way to still have as much physical intimacy as I could.
 

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I'm glad that works for you, but unless one of us has a physical issue that prevents physical intimacy I don't think I could live like that. I fell like the resentment would build too much. Even if I couldn't perform anymore I would find a way to still have as much physical intimacy as I could.
Believe me, my heart is filled with resentment, sorrow, and confusion. I really don't want to be a statistic nor a martyr to a cause, but all I can do now is hope my story gives other people the motivation to address intimacy issues before it's too late.
 

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That's the issue. Neither of us tried to fix things when we had the chance. There is nothing left to fix. It's just a marriage of convenience, comfort and safety now. Bringing it up now would only create more anxiety because leaving isn't financially viable.
 

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That's the issue. Neither of us tried to fix things when we had the chance. There is nothing left to fix. It's just a marriage of convenience, comfort and safety now. Bringing it up now would only create more anxiety because leaving isn't financially viable.
Usually leaving the marriage is brought up in sexless marriage situations. It is the nuclear option. However, you can approach it without holding divorce over anyone's head. If you and your wife get along well otherwise you should be able to talk about anything, including uncomfortable topics. 10 years is one hell of a mountain to climb, but it doesn't mean it is impossible. Even getting to the point where you masturbate together could be a step in getting back to "normal". It seems to me that it would at least be worth discussing, or maybe seek the help of a sex therapist.
 
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