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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I can't get my head around how some couples go months or even years without sex. I've read stories complaining of no sex for over 5 years and yet they still remain married? How is that even possible.

What is the point in staying together? Regardless of how "great" your marriage is in other areas. If one has a need for sex and isnt getting it, how can the good things in a marriage make up for that?

I understand if you have kids and dont want to break the family apart. But surely your kids will see this disconnect. I would rather them see me happy with someone else. Personally if I go without sex even for a week I start to get bitter. I have to release that sexual tension. Not just by getting myself off, what's the point in giving yourself to one women/man if she turns you down, has no desire and just starfishes. I would be an absolute wreck after a month of no sex with my wife let alone a year.

Is it the fear you can't do better than her/him? Too depantdant on your partner for other things? Interested to hear the mindset and reasons behind it.
 

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I can't get my head around how some couples go months or even years without sex. I've read stories complaining of no sex for over 5 years and yet they still remain married? How is that even possible.

What is the point in staying together? Regardless of how "great" your marriage is in other areas. If one has a need for sex and isnt getting it, how can the good things in a marriage make up for that?

I understand if you have kids and dont want to break the family apart. But surely your kids will see this disconnect. I would rather them seem happy with someone else. Personally if I go without sex even for a week I start to get bitter. I have to release that sexual tension. Not just by getting myself off, what's the point in giving yourself to one women if she turns you down, has no desire and just starfishes. I would be an absolute wreck after a month of no sex with my wife let alone a year.

Is it the fear you can't do better than her/him? Too depantdant on your partner for other things? I terested to hear the mindset and reasons behind it.
This is actually how I think
 
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I think some people stay out of fear that they can't do better, or perhaps that it would be too costly to even try given how devastating divorce can be when finances are marginal. And I think for some other people, sex just isn't that important that they'd end an "otherwise good" relationship.

I actually left my ex for lack of sex, but I took too long to do it - kids were involved, and information on divorce was much harder to come by than it is now.
 

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I can't get my head around how some couples go months or even years without sex. I've read stories complaining of no sex for over 5 years and yet they still remain married? How is that even possible.

What is the point in staying together? Regardless of how "great" your marriage is in other areas. If one has a need for sex and isnt getting it, how can the good things in a marriage make up for that?

I understand if you have kids and dont want to break the family apart. But surely your kids will see this disconnect. I would rather them see me happy with someone else. Personally if I go without sex even for a week I start to get bitter. I have to release that sexual tension. Not just by getting myself off, what's the point in giving yourself to one women/man if she turns you down, has no desire and just starfishes. I would be an absolute wreck after a month of no sex with my wife let alone a year.

Is it the fear you can't do better than her/him? Too depantdant on your partner for other things? Interested to hear the mindset and reasons behind it.
For some people the marriage hinges on more than sex. I mean to an extent that sex is not even in the secondary consideration, but tertiary or lower. Which is all well and good if you have a couple who are on the same wavelength with this idea. You can also find those who can handle and engage in open marriages in this category.

For other people, they take their vows so seriously, that they feel they will just have to suffer having made too hasty an decision, and not bothering to have vetted all the possible compatibility points between them.

And of course there are those as you noted that are too dependent on the partner and/or feel they could never do better, that they just give up and suffer.
 

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I agree with this whole heartedly. After a few days I would be getting irritated and after a week or two we'd be having a serious discussion.

Without sex, you are not married. You are just friends or roommates.
If having sex doesn't automatically make you (generalized) married, then a lack of it doesn't automatically make you not married. Maybe that is how you personally feel and run your life by, but many others hold other priorities.
 

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It's really not that simple.....

Some people won't split for the sake of little children...Kids don't care if their parents are getting laid or not, they only care about their own needs..And no....As long as there isn't yelling and screaming, or physical abuse, divorce is almost always worse for kids than staying together, I really don't care what anyone says..

Other people are barely keeping one roof overhead with both working, now they need to create 2? With kids and all that other crap?? Talk about scary!!

Guys are also pretty adept at compartmentalizing....They can live in a house with a woman they don't eff or wont eff them, they get by with Porn sites and kleenex, or maybe they visit the local :"spa" for a hand job, or maybe they get some on the side...They get by....I don't know what most women do, probably the same, maybe to a lesser extent....

I'm not saying anything is right or wrong, but there is usually a story behind everyone that is doing this, and it's most of the time money related...If you don't believe it, ask any one of these people in these situations what they would do if they miraculously hit the lottery....The first thing they would do is pack their bags....probably before even picking up the check...lol..
 

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At 59, we both are no more than three days tops. Thankfully both of us are high desire. A couple of my friends at my age are not so frequent. I had to educate one of my best pals how to jazz it up. He purchased a “womanizer”. Uh oh....he really started something. LOL.
 
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If having sex doesn't automatically make you (generalized) married, then a lack of it doesn't automatically make you not married. Maybe that is how you personally feel and run your life by, but many others hold other priorities.
I have never experienced a sexless marriage but I agree with him. No sex makes your SO just a friend and roommate
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
Some people won't split for the sake of little children...Kids don't care if their parents are getting laid or not, they only care about their own needs..And no....As long as there isn't yelling and screaming, or physical abuse, divorce is almost always worse for kids than staying together, I really don't care what anyone says..
This jumped out at me. And I agree that statistically, kids raised by non biolical fathers are more prone to abuse. The stats are very clear on that. Also if your a good father to your kids the idea your kids are being raised partly by another male figure is not something that sits well with me. But in marriage you committ to one women only. That's the deal. To withhold desire, affection and sex from someone your bound to, and not being able to seek it elsewhere is incomprehensible. I wouldn't want my kids to see me miserable like this everyday, the cracks in the marriage would be very visible to my kids, they would sense my resentment as I need intimacy to connect.

I do however put a large emphasis on the sex component in marriage. Being second or third on the list would only be valid if you both have low sex drive and desire. If you both had genuine desire in the beginning, and something changed for one of you, the other partner is stuck in a bad situation. Especially if your like me and many other men who need sex as a means of connecting.

Me personally, I have desired my wife from day 1 and it has not changed in the 10years I've known her. She remains physically attractive, takes care of herself and I'm so grateful for that. I think partners have the responsibility to maintain their health and fitness and not let themselves go. I think there is definitely a correlation between fitness and sexual health. I wonder how many of the deadbedroom scenarios are caused by body issues being overweight and being repulsed by themselves and /or by their partner.
 

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This jumped out at me. And I agree that statistically, kids raised by non biolical fathers are more prone to abuse. The stats are very clear on that. Also if your a good father to your kids the idea your kids are being raised partly by another male figure is not something that sits well with me. But in marriage you committ to one women only. That's the deal. To withhold desire, affection and sex from someone your bound to, and not being able to seek it elsewhere is incomprehensible. I wouldn't want my kids to see me miserable like this everyday, the cracks in the marriage would be very visible to my kids, they would sense my resentment as I need intimacy to connect.
Ok....but how bad do you think those "cracks" are going to be when you and your wife are at each others throats during(and after) a divorce? Or maybe when you do divorce, then you can't find a woman willing to have sex with you, or if you do, your kids hate her....Or their mother tells them that you abandoned them and her...for something they have zero understanding of? Or maybe you fall in love with another woman and she drops you on your head and you are in a depression?

I agree with you, that it's incomprehensible....But a lot of things in life are incomprehensible....My upbringing in a broken home was incomprehensible....To be honest, it wasn't a picnic when my parents were together and it was plenty dysfunctional, but I can't imagine that it would have been worse if they just toughed it out....Im not even saying what they did was wrong, but it sucked like hell for us...

Or here is another scenario....Lets say your wife is awesome in all respects, but for whatever reason can't have sex ...this happens,, people get sick, injured, whatever,,...What do you do then?

I'm not advocating anything, just saying (as I said before) that it's not that simple...People that choose to stay and "figure it out" shouldn't necessarily be judged.,...."walk a mile in their shoes" as they say....
 

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I have never experienced a sexless marriage but I agree with him. No sex makes your SO just a friend and roommate
Again, that is how it would be for you. But there are plenty of people for whom it is still a marriage. It comes down to the two rules of life:
1) consent is mandatory
2) except for rule 1, there is no one true way.
You way has it such that a sexless partner is no longer a spouse. And that is valid for you and others like you. But you present the situation as if my wives went sexless on me that they are no longer my spouses. But that is not the way it is with us.
 

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I wonder if some couples simply don’t care about sex? Not sure. More often than not though it seems like one or the other spouse stops the intimacy and the marriage becomes strained. I’ve always wondered how those couples stay married despite that perpetual strain?
 

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Again, that is how it would be for you. But there are plenty of people for whom it is still a marriage. It comes down to the two rules of life:
1) consent is mandatory
2) except for rule 1, there is no one true way.
You way has it such that a sexless partner is no longer a spouse. And that is valid for you and others like you. But you present the situation as if my wives went sexless on me that they are no longer my spouses. But that is not the way it is with us.
I think in general, the comments about it not being a marriage without sex are being based on a marriage that started with a "normal" sex life. Then one of the two spouses decides no more sex and yet the are perfectly capable of having sex. In those cases I do think the relationship has gone from a marriage to a roommate/coparent relationship, at least in the eyes of the person that has been put into the sexless situation.
 

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I agree with this whole heartedly. After a few days I would be getting irritated and after a week or two we'd be having a serious discussion.

Without sex, you are not married. You are just friends or roommates.
You are still married whether you have sex every day or once a year.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Ok....but how bad do you think those "cracks" are going to be when you and your wife are at each others throats during(and after) a divorce? Or maybe when you do divorce, then you can't find a woman willing to have sex with you, or if you do, your kids hate her....Or their mother tells them that you abandoned them and her...for something they have zero understanding of? Or maybe you fall in love with another woman and she drops you on your head and you are in a depression?

I agree with you, that it's incomprehensible....But a lot of things in life are incomprehensible....My upbringing in a broken home was incomprehensible....To be honest, it wasn't a picnic when my parents were together and it was plenty dysfunctional, but I can't imagine that it would have been worse if they just toughed it out....Im not even saying what they did was wrong, but it sucked like hell for us...
I feel for your situation. And I respect your reasons why parents should stay together for the sake of the kids.

On the flip side, kids that are old enough to understand may accept a separation on the grounds they hate witnessing their parents yelling. Problems in the bedroom will spill over into the household day to day life. My kids HATE to see their parents yelling. And just because parents don't vocalise and/or shout their problems in front of the kids doesn't mean that emotional distance doesn't rub off on them.

I agree it's a messy thing to rationalise and there is no easy option here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
You are still married whether you have sex every day or once a year.
On paper yes. Unless there's a genuine medical condition, accepting sex once a year, unless both parties are on board, I would see that marriage having an expiry date. All depends on the person being rejected and what he/she is willing to tolerate. Especially if that person is of enough value to easily find enother partner.
 

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I feel for your situation. And I respect your reasons why parents should stay together for the sake of the kids.

On the flip side, kids that are old enough to understand may accept a separation on the grounds they hate witnessing their parents yelling. Problems in the bedroom will spill over into the household day to day life. My kids HATE to see their parents yelling. And just because parents don't vocalise and/or shout their problems in front of the kids doesn't mean that emotional distance doesn't rub off on them.

I agree it's a messy thing to rationalise and there is no easy option here.
That's when the parents need to put their own needs aside and put the kids first, and not yell/fight around them. Table their discussions for when the kids aren't around. Kids pick up the tab in divorce and it's not fair. They should just be able to be kids.
 

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I've talked about my situation a couple times in the past on this site and it's past my bedtime already so I'm probably not going to dredge it up or go into a lot of details. I bet if you searched for "boiling frog" in this site you could find the detailed description.

Long story short, the sex was more or less good for the first ~10-12 years and slowly dwindled to "clinically sexless". There was a possibility on Ovulation Day (TM) and no other time. And only if everything had been perfect that day. I stayed because I had overdosed on Hopium thinking that once the next milestone or obstacle was passed things would go back to the way things were. There was no infidelity. There was very little yelling. There wasn't the big smoking gun for a divorce except for the lack of sex and I was in denial.

Coping was roughly daily masturbation. Exercise. Enthusiastic kid activities. Distractions and time passing.

My kids have complained about having to go back and forth and dealing with two households but they've never really said anything about our relationship or divorce either positively or negatively. There was yelling exactly once since the discussion about the ex moving out when she kept asking how I really felt and so I spent several minutes telling her. At full volume. Everything has been civil and cooperative ever since. We get along better in separate households though she's struggling a bit in supporting herself and controlling spending. That's not my problem anymore and she can't get mad at me for when she can't afford something anymore. I can't describe how happy that makes me feel.
 
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