[cramdas]

Hello all,

I found out three months ago that my husband has been cheating on me with a co-worker.

How do I trust him again? I tried to have him talk to me about the affair and he refused. He said everytime I ask a question he has to re live the past and all he wants to do is move forward. He said he chose me and and our family and I have to let it go for us to move forward.

I told him how hurt I am and he said he knows but how long I am going to play the victim card?

I am having a hard time dealing with this and have no one to talk to. I want to stay in my marriage and I still do love my husband. Please help me.

 

[vi_bride04]

Well first of all, he will have to quit his job if the OW still works there.

It really sounds like he is just trying to rugsweep and move on with life and not deal with his actions.

Can you guys get into marriage counseling that is experienced in infidelity?

 

[cramdas]

He does not want to go to counseling. He said I should go since he feels I am depressed. I am currently looking into getting counseling for myself. He says he is conscious of his actions and knows he hurt me but wants to move on with me. It was a mistake/experiment and it was just sexual, no emotional attachement.

I asked him why he did it and what was missing in our marriage for him to feel the need to have an affair. He said nothing was missing, that he wanted to feel what it is like to have sex with someone else i.e. a blonde.

He is working on getting another job.

 

[sigma1299]

Do a little reading here about what a remorseful cheater looks like - it's not what your H currently looks like.

A genuinely remorseful cheater will recognize that the betrayed spouse desperately needs to talk about it - for multiple reasons. The BS needs to see the cheater take ownership and accept accountability for what they have done. The BS needs to hear the answers to the same questions over and over and over to begin to build any faith that they are getting the truth. The BS needs to hear the cheater talk about to see that they are willing to put their own pain and discomfort in discussing it aside in order to work on repairing the damage they have inflicted.

Fundamentally you are asking the wrong question. The question is not, "how can I trust my husband again?" But rather, "what can my husband do to earn my trust again?" You gave him your trust once and he broke it, now he has to earn it back - be sure he has done so before you give it to him a second time.

 

[cramdas]

How do I ask the questions without sounding like I am blaming him or that I am curious about the affair? He said me asking how many times they had sex, when it started, why he did it etc is making him feel like walking away. He does not want to answer those questions because he feels I get depressed and am not ready to move forward. He said every week I asked the same questions and he is tired of answering them.

I just want to know that he is remorseful and sorry but he does not want to share that emotional side with me. He said he wants to deal with his guilt alone. I want to feel like he loves me but I don't feel it. He said the fact I he chose me and came back to work on our marriage is proof that he does love me.

 

[hurthubby]

He definitly is trying to sweep this under the rug. My wife tried the same thing when I caught her having an affair. She told me the same things your husband is telling you. I too wanted to know why she felt the need to go outside our marriage. I wondered what was wrong with me or what did I do wrong to make her stray. He needs to understand the damage his actions have done to you. He is making this about him and not about your marriage. To build trust agian he needs to have his life be an open book, that is something he has caused and if he is truly remorsefull about what he did then he shouldnt have a problem with it. Hope things work out for you and Im sorry you have to live through this. I know the feeling of not having anywhere to turn to or someone to talk too about this.

 

[sigma1299]

Well first - I was the cheater in my marriage so I speak from that side of the fence - just thought you should understand my perspective.

Here's the thing. If your H wants to reconcile with you - he doesn't get a vote. HE must do whatever it is that YOU need to reconcile. He's the one who broke the marriage - he does not get to define how to fix it - you do.

Fundamentally you just ask the questions - in reality you are blaming him - but always remember - HE DID IT!! What you can do to make it easier on him is to try not to react to the emotions that his answers evoke in you. If you can express to him how his answers make you feel without actually acting on those emotions it will make it much easier for him to open up to you. In other words if after every devastating answer he gives you either kick his ass or have a complete breakdown he will eventually stop answering solely out of self preservation. The best thing you can do is to make it as easy as you can for him to give you what you need. Having said that - the obligation is 110% on him.

This is really not optional or open to negotiation for a successful reconciliation - IMO you pretty much can't have one without the cheater being will to lay it all out on the table and talk about it as many times, and as often as the BS needs. It's hard work, it's not fun - but it is essential.

 

[cramdas]

How do I speak to him without sounding like I am blaming him and that I do not forgive him and that I do not want to move forward? He said so far I am pushing him away by asking these questions. If I don't ask he does not talk about it either. He pretends like there is no problem. He wants to move forward.

I just gave birth to our first baby boy three months ago and suspected him. I asked him and he denied everything until I bugged his truck and heard him on his phone with her. Only then he said yes but kept insisting it was oral sex on him. Last Wednesday was when I heard more info that they did infact had sex and only then again he said yes it was sex. I aksed why he lied and he said I cannot handle the truth and kept saying I am depressed. I am NOT depressed, I want him to talk to me.

 

[sigma1299]

You do blame him and you should not forgive him until he proves he is remorseful.

The thing about telling you that you are pushing him away is classic. He's counting on the fact that you're more afraid of the marriage ending than he is. You can't make him reconcile or be remorseful - he has to do those himself. All you can do is define what you need to repair the marriage and what the consequences are if he can't meet those needs. Yes this is an ultimatum, the only caveat is be sure you mean it.

Here's the other side - until he does these things he's not remorseful, and he is showing you and your marriage no respect - let alone love. Can you live with that?

Not to make it worse, but here's a question for you - how do you know his affair is over?

 

[Ovid]

You are being way too nice to him. Read the posts on this forum. Everytime a BS is nice they get hurt. Not only can you not trust him but until he shows real remorse you should not even consider it.


It is only the BS that kick their WS to the curb that get any kind of chance at R. You need to show him some real consequinces for his actions. Dump him. Tell him again how bad he hurt you, and that you can see he really doesn't care. Then file for divorce. You can always stop the divorce latter if you want to. If he comes crawling back crying and begging then and only then can you consider R. Anything less, don't take him back. He will just cheat again when you let your guard down.

 

[alte Dame]

Your husband doesn't sound remorseful. He is manipulating and controlling you. He cheated and you're afraid that you will ask too many questions & he will get fed up and leave.

If it were me, I would tell him to deal with the damage he caused or get out. He has you very off-balance right now. Not only did you have your world shattered by his cheating, but he's adding insult to injury by letting you know that he's given you the 'gift' of his presence by choosing you. It's not a gift. You're the gift to him by agreeing to take him back.

 

[hurthubby]

You cant just forgive something like this so easily. You need to let him know that forgivness comes over time and its something he needs to work on. Hes shutting down on you when you push for answers. When I found out about my wife, I pushed until she broke down and told me everything. I felt I had a right to know the answers to the questions I asked. You need to let him know that once you get the answers then you can begin to heal and SLOWLY start to move forward, but if he refuses to talk to you then he is only causing more damage to your marriage.

 

[cramdas]

I only have his word that it is over. I promised to not bug his truck anymore. Yes, he is the one who cheated and he is the one making demands on how to move forward. If I say anything then he walks away from me and our child. That is basically the ultimatum. He said I have to trust him that the affair is over.

I am afraid that he will leave me, I cannot lie that is the truth. I do not want to be alone. We have been married for 14 years and just had a baby. I AM afraid of being alone. And I think he knows that which is why he is treating me like this.

 

[hurthubby]

You cant be affraid of being alone, I know easier said than done. But you have to do whats best for you and the baby. Being with someone who does not respect you, sets a bad example for your children and shows them its ok to let ppl walk all over you. Its gonna be hard(really hard) but you need to tell him to man up or get out. If he truly cares then he will do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. Right now it sounds like hes already walkin out the door and ur stopping him, so he wants to see just what he can get away with. If you dont correct this now it will happen agian, assuming he isnt already doing it.

 

[sigma1299]

Have you heard the saying, "the one who cares less in a relationship is the one who holds the power"?

That's where you are I'm afraid. Until it is more important to you that your spouse love you, respect you, and treat you as someone who loves you should than not being alone is you're in a pickle.

Trust him that his affair is over???? I'm sorry - but - HA!!!!!! That is completely laughable. Almost no one - no one quits an affair voluntarily and especially with no drama. It just doesn't happen. The death of an affair is ugly and emotionally violent.

Spend some time reading here - read the link in my signature "Cheaters read this." You will find very little variation in what the collective wisdom here is about what a cheater must to and how they must act in order to have any chance of reconciliation. There's a reason for that - because it works.

 

[LetDownNTX]

How do I ask the questions without sounding like I am blaming him or that I am curious about the affair? He said me asking how many times they had sex, when it started, why he did it etc is making him feel like walking away. He does not want to answer those questions because he feels I get depressed and am not ready to move forward. He said every week I asked the same questions and he is tired of answering them.

I just want to know that he is remorseful and sorry but he does not want to share that emotional side with me. He said he wants to deal with his guilt alone. I want to feel like he loves me but I don't feel it. He said the fact I he chose me and came back to work on our marriage is proof that he does love me.

This sounds A LOT like my WH and I will tell you from experience it makes it near impossible to move forward and forget about it. Its been 4, almost 5 years since I found out about my husbands affair and I still think about it daily. I dont think he is remorseful or cares how much he hurts me but he says if he didnt care he wouldnt be here. Well a damn roommate could be here..I dont need a roommate.

I didnt mean to get off on my own issues, I just wanted to let you know that if he wont talk you cant force him to talk. You also cant force him to be remorseful or show compassion towards you when you need it. Its a decision you have to make on whether you want to live like that.

 

[remorseful strayer]

Do a little reading here about what a remorseful cheater looks like - it's not what your H currently looks like.

A genuinely remorseful cheater will recognize that the betrayed spouse desperately needs to talk about it - for multiple reasons. The BS needs to see the cheater take ownership and accept accountability for what they have done. The BS needs to hear the answers to the same questions over and over and over to begin to build any faith that they are getting the truth. The BS needs to hear the cheater talk about to see that they are willing to put their own pain and discomfort in discussing it aside in order to work on repairing the damage they have inflicted.



Fundamentally you are asking the wrong question. The question is not, "how can I trust my husband again?" But rather, "what can my husband do to earn my trust again?" You gave him your trust once and he broke it, now he has to earn it back - be sure he has done so before you give it to him a second time.

Sigma hit the nail on the head.

the disloyal spouse is always the one who needs therapy first and foremost.

 

[LetDownNTX]

I only have his word that it is over. I promised to not bug his truck anymore. Yes, he is the one who cheated and he is the one making demands on how to move forward. If I say anything then he walks away from me and our child. That is basically the ultimatum. He said I have to trust him that the affair is over.

I am afraid that he will leave me, I cannot lie that is the truth. I do not want to be alone. We have been married for 14 years and just had a baby. I AM afraid of being alone. And I think he knows that which is why he is treating me like this.

That is exactly why he is doing what he is doing..control! He knows you are afraid to be without him so he has the upper hand and can make the rules. Its not fair to you at all, nor your child! He wants to tell you what to do and you accept it and I almost bet that he is still seeing her. I know you are hurt but the hurt will never go away until you know for sure that she is out of the picture and your husband shows remorse.

 

[hurthubby]

I hate to say this but its almost a sure thing to say he is still having an affair. All he is doing is making sure you dont spy on him anymore, that makes it easier for him to do what he does.

 

[cramdas]

Thank you everyone. Being on this forum for only a few minutes have helped me. I do need to think hard what it is that I want in my life. I really need to be strong and do what is best for me and my son.