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Discussion Starter #1
I have been doing a lot of reading on these boards, and one thing sems to stick out the most to me.

Communication, and communication skills.

I would like to know the secret to a successful communication. I feel that most of my wifes and my problems have been based on poor communication skills.

I am sure that this has been covered many times here, but does anyone have a link to one of their favorite threads covering this topic?

Thanks in advance.
 

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I have been doing a lot of reading on these boards, and one thing sems to stick out the most to me.

Communication, and communication skills.

I would like to know the secret to a successful communication. I feel that most of my wifes and my problems have been based on poor communication skills.
In my opinion, the single most common communication failure stems from going into a conversation trying to convince the other of YOUR point. This, at best, is a barrier to understanding. At worst, over time it becomes entrenched right fight habits that are VERY hard to break.

The goal of communication should not be to convince but to understand. I understand my point of view already, of course. My main goal in communication should be to understand the other. That is more challenging and requires active listening.

Another thing is to understand that for the vast majority of arguments, neither one is objectively right. There are merits to both points of view. And/or being right is unimportant compared to being together/feeling together.


I am sure that this has been covered many times here, but does anyone have a link to one of their favorite threads covering this topic?

Thanks in advance.
This one! :)
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Talk to yourself...LOL
I will try. No guarantee that my feed back will be efefctive though...LOL

In my opinion, the single most common communication failure stems from going into a conversation trying to convince the other of YOUR point. This, at best, is a barrier to understanding. At worst, over time it becomes entrenched right fight habits that are VERY hard to break.

The goal of communication should not be to convince but to understand. I understand my point of view already, of course. My main goal in communication should be to understand the other. That is more challenging and requires active listening.

Another thing is to understand that for the vast majority of arguments, neither one is objectively right. There are merits to both points of view. And/or being right is unimportant compared to being together/feeling together.




This one! :)
I have tried to type a response several times, but nothing seems to come out the way I want them to.
The goal of communication should not be to convince but to understand. I understand my point of view already, of course. My main goal in communication should be to understand the other. That is more challenging and requires active listening.
This answer hit me hard. Active listening is a skill that of which I will have to learn, after I understand it. I will work on this.

BTW. Thank you for your answer
This one! :)
. This thread hasn't even taken off yet, but I feel that others may benefit from this as well. Hopefully as this grows I will see, learn and use the techniques that have been posted.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
The goal of communication should not be to convince but to understand. I understand my point of view already, of course. My main goal in communication should be to understand the other. That is more challenging and requires active listening.
20 minutes later I still find myself thinking on this. This is by far one of the most powerful, heart felt response that I have see to date. This one definately opened my eyes, and my mind.
 

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My “golden rule” of communication is “Seek first to understand and then seek to be understood”. That stood me good in my career. But even in business situations what we see and understand is just what the other person wants us to see and understand. I used to think of it as an iceberg, the one third on top that the other person shows us and the two thirds below the water they do not want us to know about. These are mainly their insecurities and hidden motivations. Understanding motivations is key to good communication but people can be very deceptive about them.

I think above all effect communication in a marriage needs what I came to think of as “emotional honesty”. Without that emotional honesty, with the two thirds hidden from us, there’s no way effective communication can happen. And because of that some deeply held convictions and conflicts are quite simply never resolved.

It takes two to communicate effectively. I think investment in communication training with a coach between husband and wife one of the best investments they’ll ever make.

Bob
 

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My “golden rule” of communication is “Seek first to understand and then seek to be understood”. That stood me good in my career. But even in business situations what we see and understand is just what the other person wants us to see and understand. I used to think of it as an iceberg, the one third on top that the other person shows us and the two thirds below the water they do not want us to know about. These are mainly their insecurities and hidden motivations. Understanding motivations is key to good communication but people can be very deceptive about them.

I think above all effect communication in a marriage needs what I came to think of as “emotional honesty”. Without that emotional honesty, with the two thirds hidden from us, there’s no way effective communication can happen. And because of that some deeply held convictions and conflicts are quite simply never resolved.

It takes two to communicate effectively. I think investment in communication training with a coach between husband and wife one of the best investments they’ll ever make.

Bob
Bob you are soooo right!!!! The problem I seem to have is H seems to think when I am trying to understand his pov I am "badgering" him and just wants to shut down?!?!?! I suppose I'm too aggressive in trying to find out why he feels the way he feels. He says his heart rate goes through the roof when I ask "why"....That word just seems to agitate him. Not quite sure why though... and I guess that's what Remmons is getting at....Communications is soo important but how do you effectively communicate?!?!?
 

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Bob you are soooo right!!!! The problem I seem to have is H seems to think when I am trying to understand his pov I am "badgering" him and just wants to shut down?!?!?! I suppose I'm too aggressive in trying to find out why he feels the way he feels. He says his heart rate goes through the roof when I ask "why"....That word just seems to agitate him. Not quite sure why though... and I guess that's what Remmons is getting at....Communications is soo important but how do you effectively communicate?!?!?
“Why?” is an excellent question. It’s a very open and non judgemental question and seeks to understand “motivation”.

Honest, non deceptive people will openly declare their motivations because they “want to be understood”. Dishonest and deceptive people will not declare their motivations because they “do not want to be understood”. And that’s because they are hiding something or fear speaking the truth.

It is so refreshing to communicate with people who are honest and open with their motivations. It’s mind blowing to try and communicate with people who have hidden motivations.

Bob
 

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It’s that “openness and honesty” SA. Personally I find you delightfully open and honest and hence very refreshing. Same with GP and many others here that openly declare their motivations no matter how far out of the ball park they may seem.

Communication is an absolute no brainer and a delight with people who don’t have a problem expressing their motivations. We quickly feel we come to know one another by talking about our individual motivations. Whereas on the other hand we never really know those that don’t. No matter how long we’ve “known” them they remain as a stranger to us.

Bob
 

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Bob you are soooo right!!!! The problem I seem to have is H seems to think when I am trying to understand his pov I am "badgering" him and just wants to shut down?!?!?! I suppose I'm too aggressive in trying to find out why he feels the way he feels. He says his heart rate goes through the roof when I ask "why"....That word just seems to agitate him. Not quite sure why though... and I guess that's what Remmons is getting at....Communications is soo important but how do you effectively communicate?!?!?
My heart would race when this was asked, but then again, it wasn't necessarily WHAT was said, but HOW it was said.


Honest, non deceptive people will openly declare their motivations because they “want to be understood”. Dishonest and deceptive people will not declare their motivations because they “do not want to be understood”. And that’s because they are hiding something or fear speaking the truth.

It is so refreshing to communicate with people who are honest and open with their motivations. It’s mind blowing to try and communicate with people who have hidden motivations.
I have discovered (finally comprehended that is) that this was happening. She has ghosts in the closet. I found this out from my brother-in-law just last night. It seems that my problems weren't necesasarily communication.

=SimplyAmorous;256200]Absolutely :iagree: I am stealing one of your links you left on another thread some time ago - very insightful about healthy communication :

Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE
I read a little of it, but I saved the link for future reading.

Whereas on the other hand we never really know those that don’t. No matter how long we’ve “known” them they remain as a stranger to us.

Bob
I thought that I knew her. I have discovered that I knew only the tip of the Iceberg, and did not know what lies below the surface.




This thread has helped me out quite a bit. The posts created some insight into communicating skills. It's too bad that my problems are deeper than I had realized......
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I'm feeling disappointed and sick to my stomach after what my brother-in-law had told me last night. There may no longer be any hope for a reunion, but I will keep my chin up and keep trodging down the path that I have chosen. I will keep myself involved with the Church, and keep my promises to God, my friends and family.
 

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Bob you are soooo right!!!! The problem I seem to have is H seems to think when I am trying to understand his pov I am "badgering" him and just wants to shut down?!?!?! I suppose I'm too aggressive in trying to find out why he feels the way he feels. He says his heart rate goes through the roof when I ask "why"....That word just seems to agitate him. Not quite sure why though... and I guess that's what Remmons is getting at....Communications is soo important but how do you effectively communicate?!?!?
My husband ALSO has a problem with the word why?

Says that when I say why - he is reminded of a two-year old.

I don't get it - but I stopped asking why so much. Maybe there's just something I'm missing.
 

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Bob you are soooo right!!!! The problem I seem to have is H seems to think when I am trying to understand his pov I am "badgering" him and just wants to shut down?!?!?! I suppose I'm too aggressive in trying to find out why he feels the way he feels. He says his heart rate goes through the roof when I ask "why"....That word just seems to agitate him. Not quite sure why though... and I guess that's what Remmons is getting at....Communications is soo important but how do you effectively communicate?!?!?
Doesn't it depend on "what happens" when you find out?



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