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Speaking as a guy, before you know what someone is like, isn't physical attraction basically all there is? I can still be 110% physically attracted to someone yet not want to even be in the same room with them.

That can't be just a guy thing, can it?
If a person is horrible I wouldnt be attracted to him even if he was conventionally good looking.
 

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God dang I feel bad for this husband. Guy seems to think there is no other woman on earth. For him to be "just sarcastic" about her doing stuff not with him....I mean, wow.

Hope to God the guy wakes up. Maybe a divorced mom in the neighborhood can help.

Kathleen, just let him go. He'll never trust you again, will be "sarcastic" for years, and eventually become really bitter. Soon enough, he won't want to touch you at all. During this process, you'll surely cheat again, and again. And over time as you mature, you'll feel your soul leaving your body.

Just cut bait.
 

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I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.

This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.

My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?

There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?
Your husband needs to read "The Rational Male" ASAP!
 

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Whoever just rolls over is simply agreeing for the partner to keep doing what they're doing. The clear message is, "You can cheat and I'll take you back."

Granted there are rare instances when maybe you can forgive it. I would say mainly with younger less experienced people. Until you've had your heart broken, you may not understand at all what it does to the other person. But if you truly love the other person, the very last thing you want to do is hurt them. When a person is young, they may just not understand how big a deal it is, but later, as things happen to them in their life, they may begin to understand and regret their actions.

I'm not talking about spouses in this instance, but personal experience, I can think of two 20-some guys in my life this applies to. It's not the same because it wasn't a real commitment, but it illustrates something nonetheless.

One I really loved had other problems (ED that I wouldn't know about until 10 years later). Short version: He hung around but nothing much happened, leaving me heartsick. He didn't understand what he had put me through until some girl put him through it, and then he ended up on my living room floor 3 years later morose for both himself and for what he did to me. Not about cheating, but just about hurting someone.

One I was most serious about let my old "friend" and roommate at the time seduce him during a sad but probably temporary breakup. We had called it quits before, mainly for practical reasons (wanting different things for the future) but gotten back together. It had only been a week or so. We still know each other to this day. It just destroyed me and I was more mad at her than him since I'd known her forever and had reason to expect loyalty from her. But I was mad at him for being that callous to bang someone right in my household.

It was a couple of years before he understood what he'd done. We worked together by then and I remember we were at a little local gig sitting on some bleachers when he apologized. He said at the time he just didn't think it was that big a deal, but that his more experienced male friends had explained it to him, shocked that he had done such a thing. He was really remorseful from then on (we ended up working together for 10 years). I did forgive him, but I still didn't ever get back together with him because the experience had destroyed my trust in people entirely. We keep up with each other as friends because we have a lot of life we shared despite it not being a successful relationship.

I don't know how young these two are. I don't know if they started having kids as teenagers, for example. I don't know if this woman ever had a chance to live as a young free woman. If they were both young, then it's easier to forgive because people need to experience the full range of life, whatever that means to them. But does that mean he should stay? No. They're not a good match, at least not at this point in time. They're not after the same lifestyle at this time. No reason for him to torture himself, or for her to settle down when she's just not ready. It's time for both of them to find their way.
 

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If they were both young, then it's easier to forgive because people need to experience the full range of life
It seems like your making excuses for cheating and downplaying the severity of it based on age. Needing to "live life" or not having enough life experience is not an excuse. Cheating is just as bad whether you are 18, 38, or 98. Forgiveness has nothing to do with age. For me, it's more about time and understanding why the cheating happened.
 

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Granted there are rare instances when maybe you can forgive it. I would say mainly with younger less experienced people. Until you've had your heart broken, you may not understand at all what it does to the other person. But if you truly love the other person, the very last thing you want to do is hurt them. When a person is young, they may just not understand how big a deal it is, but later, as things happen to them in their life, they may begin to understand and regret their actions.
I have seen the same at the other end of the age spectrum. As people get older, at least the ones I am familiar with, they tend to be a little more gracious in their forgiveness, having been subjected to and sometimes a party to human fallibility.
 

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Back from the threadjack, I have to say I admire the OP for being honest. This looked to me like a troll post at first, but if the OP is serious then, well, I think she should take the next step of honesty and just get a divorce because what she wants is not who her husband is. As long as his WW is around he will not break free of the things that are weighing him down and become a man again.

TBH all this talk about alpha males is a fantasy that feeds the incel mentality. It's a bunch of pseudo-evolutionary bull sh--t that most any self-respecting man would never let himself be pidgeon-holed into.
 

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You must have him read Athol Kay’s books - Married Man Sex Life Primer. This is EXACTLY the info he needs to fix himself and please you.

i also sent you a private message.

QUOTE="Kathlene, post: 20209417, member: 347123"]
I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.

This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.

My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?

There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?
[/QUOTE]
 

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Yes - by a lot. I am no longer weighed down by anyone else's needs/wants.
That's sad. For some of us, the idea would be not feeling weighed down, but rather happy that we're able to help with someone else's need/wants, and they, us. I think that's part of most relationships. It can become unhealthy (too needy or obsessive) but I think it brings people together, the feeling that they each help complete the other.

Might even go so far as to suggest that some affairs are begun in an attempt to find someone else to fill their needs/wants without having to reciprocate. The marital relationship soured when one party no longer saw value in the completeness of the couple. Ultimately selfishness in play.
 

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I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.

This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.

My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?

There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?
I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.

This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.

My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?

There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?
Hello,

Your lapse in judgement is sad, but it is in woman's nature to cheat if the conditions are right to score with the ALPHA male at any age., so is the mans right to get upset and angry over is. Anyone who is given the sympathetic heart to share emotions will cheated. We men go to the woman who activates our cuddle hormone to fight dragons Woman don't have that bio drive to protect family make offspring- so when the mans woman goes off is very bad

Both sexes are lucky that they want to stay together:' however, more often than not, men will kick the woman out and to MGTOW-men going the own way to the point they will not see their kids over infidelity.

YOU CAN AND HE CAN GET OVER THIS. ITS WAKE UP CALL Read books by Gottman, Esther Perele, Proper care in feeding of marriage by Dr. Laura schlessinger. Go get of counseling by a John Gottman P.h.D trained counselor. Do not go see any other counselor, Stats say you will always get divorced with those dipshits. You both read up on this an do all the things you can do that John Gottman has to teach about relationships. Seek the Gpttman institute out of Seattle WA. Get off this site, Being on this site is stealing time from yourself, you kids, your pets, your hobbies, your friends, and ye- your husband. Just think, you can be in bed getting a pounding of your life by your husband and then satisfy him- enjoying making love. YOU BOTH NEED TO REMEMBER-IF YOU DON'T ATTUNE TO YOUR MARRIAGE AND IT'S SEX LIFE SOMEONE ELSE WILL ALWAYS STEP UP TO TUNE YOU.lisen to gottman, esther perelle amd dr. laura. you will succeed.

NOW THE FIX
1. READ THOSE BOOKS, AND GET COUNSELING. IF Spouse won't go you go- you will become better person to give and receive love
2. Men an women want to know the details, the juicy details, how that tongue worked-lol- seriously. You will be asked about how and what kind of lover they were. It is affront to their ego and special bond you have. "why you do it for him or her, and not me. -wtf what is wrong with me the spouse will ask.
3.Expect to be lovingly, -spitefully-hatefully yelling and nastry treatment. you need to take it, but not to the extent you are abused. Spouses have the right to yell and correct there mates bad behaviore --- take it
4. If any spouse cant take any correction, and go with it, or take influence to make the marriage better or resolve conflict. Get out of the marriage.
5. YOU calmly talk about it and give all the details
6. Maybe up tp ten times while making love you may get a dig or two _ with anger, will say something like this- "did he do this"
7. YOU WILL BE ON VERY SHORT LEASH= check your cell, your e-mail, time you how long you are outside the home. he will question and observe you galore.
8. Rebuild trust by Transparency.
9. become res pill aware
10. Learn how society ands the feminisms movement turned us men into Beta week men. "pu**s**s. Look if you were again look around now- how many alphas you see--None...
11. Dr. Laura proper care and feeding of marriage another book, Friend Partners and Lovers are good.
12 Dr gottman abd Dr. Laura book will fix it, I guarantee it. Read Dr laura book first
13 you can win back. turn the nasty eroticisms back onto your husbands regularly you will get his heart and trust again
14. learn to be a proverbs 31 woman, and learn to seduce each other. Sex is the last step. Its what you do to each others mind, activities, and conversation is the aphrodisiacs up to that point
15. check out and do the 24 hour rule for sex. if your mate is too tired to accept your bid for loving, the person who rejected the bid for loving tonight, they need to do this, It sets up an expectation for more effort fun in bed the next night, with a flower, make the effort to be special nice. The refuser must make the effort to make the next days love rendezvous more special.
16 if either spouse is not a proverbs woman or king or willing to correct themselves to become one - run-leave an never look back
17 another book. Too good to leave, too bad to stay.
18.good luck to you I will pray for you both
19. URGENT LAST THING. PROMIS FOR 1 YEAR YOU WILL TABLE ANY TALK OF DIVORCE. OUR EMOTIONS WANT OUR POUND OF FLESCH- IMMEDIATELY-EVEN IT IT SCOURCHES THE EARTH FOR GOOD.
20. YOU OR THE MAN WHOM BOTH HAD SEX OUT OF THE MARRIAGE. ONE OF YOU NEED TO LEAVE YOUR EMPLOYER ASAP almost immediately because hate and contempt against you will grow and hubby will seek than and 50/50 chance do him harm for messing with his woman.
 

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Here's what I took from the original post: I checked the box of saying that I own what I did. That out of the way, I'll blame the man I cheated with for taking advantage of my depression [did he actually know you were depressed and set out to exploit you?], then I'll blame my husband for not being what I want sexually [although I assume he wasn't much different when you agreed to marry him].

As others have said, you're not in a position to issue him a timeline to "get over it." You are the person who cheated. I'm sure you'll say you know that, but your attitude in your post doesn't reflect it. You don't have to stay in the marriage, but you're not in a position to demand expedited changes if you're going to stay. I think you should give him a fair divorce - not because of what he is or isn't doing, but because of what you did - and let him recover and rebuild. Yes, the divorce will destabilize your life. That's your problem.
 

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I'm no gold digger but you can call it whatever you like. The point I was making was that whichever way this goes, I win in the end. It's just the way the world works. I'm not sure how this relates to me trying to repair my marriage but I figured I could at least correct you on that.
You are aware that many judges will say it’s in his best interest To leave you. Your husband was faithful. He is the one trying to work on the marriage and in your own words “he’s become Mr. Mom” sounds like a divorce might just leave you high and dry. just my 2 cents but you aren’t sitting as pretty as you think. Oh yeah many men find distrust and arrogance turn off. So you may be a 10 but all you will be seen as is a cheating 4.
 

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Back from the threadjack, I have to say I admire the OP for being honest. This looked to me like a troll post at first, but if the OP is serious then, well, I think she should take the next step of honesty and just get a divorce because what she wants is not who her husband is. As long as his WW is around he will not break free of the things that are weighing him down and become a man again.

TBH all this talk about alpha males is a fantasy that feeds the incel mentality. It's a bunch of pseudo-evolutionary bull sh--t that most any self-respecting man would never let himself be pidgeon-holed into.
Thank you and I totally agree. I just never get this 'alpha male' and 'beta male' thing. If it is a thing, then most people would disagree on what constitutes an alpha male or beta male anyway. Most men would fall somewhere between the two , no one would be totally one or the other. I think its a load of nonsense and I dont like labelling people in that way.
 

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Thank you and I totally agree. I just never get this 'alpha male' and 'beta male' thing. If it is a thing, then most people would disagree on what contstitutes an alpha male or beta male anyway. Most men would fall somewhere between the two anyway, no one would be totally one or the other. I think its a load of nonsense.
It is. Humans are not canids. Different men have different personalities, and how a guy behaves or acts is not always a reflection of his strength or toughness. One of the physically strongest, toughest guys I know is very effete and almost feminine acting. Many people think he is gay but he's not. It's just the way he is. He's mild until you push him too far and then once he loses it walls start having bodies thrown through them.
 

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11. Dr. Laura proper care and feeding of marriage another book, Friend Partners and Lovers are good.
12 Dr gottman abd Dr. Laura book will fix it, I guarantee it. Read Dr laura book first
There are some similarities between Dr. Laura and the OP, but I doubt that the OP following any of her advice would “fix”anything.

I read several of Dr. Laura’s books and listened to her show for about a year and a half. She perplexed me so I had to know more about her. She preaches strong marriage, with supporting an “alpha male” yes, however she also believes spouses CAUSE cheating. Additionally, it is the betrayed spouses job to get over the cheating as they must have violated their own vows to cause the cheating in the first place as well, so it’s a wash. Violation of vows is all equivalent. Additionally, The betrayed spouse should never bring up or throw in the cheaters face anything about the affair after reconciliation, they should both just fully dedicate themselves to the marriage and each other and this will fix it.

The similarity to the OPs mindset is apparent in this. Also, be aware that Dr Laura’s history indicates she herself was a cheater and the other woman several times including her late husband who left his wife and children for her. She is controversial at best. Hypocritical and unrealistic as well in my opinion. I could wax poetic on the topic, but I’ll just leave it at this... following her advice negates the feelings and trauma of the betrayed spouse, and gives unrealistic ideologies for relationships which she herself could not follow. I don’t think her advice is wise by any means. Entertaining, but not wise.
 

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So apparently it's all the husband's fault, because he isn't the boddice-ripper that she's entitled to. Never mind the fact that being a boddice-ripper leaves a man teetering on the edge of being a rapist, based solely on whether each encounter satisfies her. I could be completely wrong here, but I doubt any man is a boddice-ripper for the entirety of a long-term marriage. There will eventually come a time when he goes a little too far. Don't misunderstand, I get it; it's his responsibility to know what she wants each and every time and thread the moving needle.

He might also be sick of always having to initiate. He might be wondering when he's going to be made to feel special. Oh, but maybe that would be "beta." Either way, it's definitely a violation of her entitlement.

Maybe the OP needs to commit to a lifestyle of new alpha studs every few years. Wealthy alpha studs, of course.

Really, I hope he leaves her. Nobody should be on the other end of such entitlement.
 
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