Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 213 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.

This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.

My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?

There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,931 Posts
The audacity of you to expect him to change into something he is not, in the wake of your betrayal, is pretty horrible.

Your entire post is about YOU, and how to make it better for YOU, alleviate YOUR guilt, etc., rather than what you could do to actually help him heal. Hint: it is a 2-3 year process that requires a ton of work, and it does not include"getting over it" anywhere in the curriculum.

It doesn't sound like you have much love for your husband anyway. Why do you want to stay?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,801 Posts
God I hope you don't have kids.

First thing you have to decide is if you can love your husband, right now with your attitude it's clear you don't. This is a very long road and frankly if you don't love your husband and aren't willing to step up do the hard work and fix yourself then move on, he will be better off without you. He will get over it believe me. Sooner then you or he thinks.

I suspect if you keep this up he will. May take him a year to have all the love in his heart for you die but it will, you can't abuse and treat someone cruelly like you are doing and expect them to continue to love you. That's now how it works.

Yes cruelly, what you need to understand is affairs are abuse, they cause long term PTSD and change people for life and who they are. The only one abusive in this relationship is you, I mean you should expect him to have some harsh words for you, you deserve them. That's pretty typical in the first 2 years of the aftermath. Go read some post by people who are in your husbands situation, read some books about the aftermath.

Right now your post doesn't read like you have any idea of the magnitude of pain he is in, cause by you, or that you even care. You also have no idea what you have done to yourself.

I think you are really overestimating your value in this situation. You are the cheater here, your husband is a faithful partner, and boredom in marriage is a pretty common aspect to it from time to time. Will you find another man like this dominate guy you cheated with I'm sure, lets be honest those guys really only want one thing, as long as you keep your looks there will always be one of them around? Will you find someone who will be willing to love you and spend their life with you? If you are truthful it's going to be much harder now, and if this is your attitude about cheating a good man will smell it from a mile away and run away fast.

You essentially destroyed your husband the person who is supposed to be the primary person in your life because you were bored, and you seemingly don't care. That makes you a very dangerous choice to be in a relationship with.

The other thing that you really don't understand is men. Let me explain how we are, something your father should have taught you. A good guy who is intuitive enough to figure out how you think is not going to waste his time with someone who thinks like you right now, he may have a very short fling with you though and have some fun but it will be a very shallow short term thing, then when he gets the sense you want more he will move on. A bad guy will pretend like he wants to have something serious with you but just use you for "fun". Like your work guy did, he figured you out very well. You are probably not the first he has done this with either. No man will take you seriously. Unless they are not intuitive enough to see who you are, that is your husband right now. But he is starting to get it I'm am sure. Eventually he will.

So your choices are to fix your broken selfish nature if you can and maybe your life will recover, or go on like you are and pretty soon it's gonna be you and not your ex husband who sees the true damage. He will have moved on. There will be someone out there who wants a faithful husband, and they may even be very open to him sexually, plus they won't have broken his heart and then on top of that gotten upset because he was sarcastic.

Sorry to be blunt but if anyone needed a wake up call it's you. I mean be honest, would you want to be married to someone who has acted like you? Would anyone who is emotionally healthy and not getting over the terrible trauma of being cheated on?

Send your husband are way and we will toughen him up, he does need to be stronger that's true and we can help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,079 Posts
honest answer? act like your whole world revolves around satisfying him in every way you can.

so, i was too soft with my wife. she mistook that for weakness. i hope you arent making that mistake...

when it became clear to me that my wife did not respect me as a person, i stopped respecting her. and that turned her whole world upside down. i guess thats when she got to see who i really am? who knows. since then, i have fought in three wars and a bunch of isolated incidents and have seen lots of friends call it quits and leave our profession.

we are still happily married by the way.

what you do is up to you, but everyone has a limit. if your husband is a good guy that you want to keep around, you might want to focus on making it worth it for him to stick around.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,099 Posts
I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that. I do take full responsibility for my actions since I was a willing participant. My husband snooped through my phone and ended up catching us while we were out at dinner. My coworker ended up quitting and I've been repairing my marriage since.

This all happened 3 months ago and we still have several issues that need to be resolved. My husband begged me to not cheat on him again and that he wanted to work on the marriage. I do love him and I wanted to work on things also. He wanted to know all the details of the affair. He wanted to know where we had sex, positions, and how many times. I wanted to be as transparent as possible so I told him the truth about everything.

My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?

There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?
And you dont think the affair was emotional abuse. You need to suck it up buttercup, this may last for years. Yoy want hubby to be more dominant but what you have done emasculated him more. I would suggest you start putting what you did with your POSOM on the sex menu. Did yoy have friends that knew aboyt the affair? If they did not try to stop it or if they encouraged it, then they need to go also" no contact.

Clarification....you and hubby was at dinner and he found evidence(text/sext) or you and POSOM was out together?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,721 Posts
No he isnt abusing you emotionally at all. Its only been three months since he found out, he is deeply hurt and it takes years to recover from something like this if he ever can. To be honest if my husband cheated I doubt if I would ever be able to have sex with him again, especially if he had done all sort of things with her that I wanted but he wouldnt with me. He will be angry, hurt and he will struggle to trust you for a long time. Not sure what you expected but its NOT abuse in ANY way to want to bring this up and to feel so upset and unhappy.
As for you wanting him to be more like the OM, he is who he is.Maybe you should have married a man who was like the man you wanted.

You will need to give him time, lots of time, many more months and years. If he gets angry he gets angry. If he brings up about how you gave the OM BJ's and not him, let him. I cant believe that you think he should be over such a big betrayal after such a very short time Three months is nothing. I would suggest a long time of marriage counselling, marriage courses and lots of reading on how to recover from an affair.

If you cant take the heat and aren't prepared to put in the long term work then you may even need to end the marriage. I hope you have also had tests for STD's and that the OM's wife/partner if he has one has been told what he did.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
652 Posts
Katherine, recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. healing moves at such a slow pace that
it will not be noticed on a day to day or even week to week time frame.

Many BS go through an anger phase 6 months out from D day. this phase can
last up to 6 months. You now see that your BH will not have healed at the 1 year
mark.

if you wanted your BH to be dominate in bed then you needed to tell him, teach
him, lead him. Now lots of luck you telling your BH how to do you.

whether you say oh yes that is so good it feels as good as the OM or
no that is not how the OM does it. Lots of luck with that.

your BH emotions are all over the place. it is called the emotional roller coaster
ride. up down, repeat.

what are you doing to repair the broken trust?

Can your BH verify that there is NC between you and the OM?

where is your sex life now, is there HB, hysterical bonding?

worst thing for a WW to say after D day is this happened 3 months ago why
are you not over it, and to add for good measure for a WW to avoid it was just
sex.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
87 Posts
“I was depressed so I let another man not my husband pick me up out of depression. Only thing that seemed to work was that real man’s snot in my mouth. Not sure why my husband has an issue with it. I’m now no longer depressed...seems my husband caught my depression. He just needs to get over it. “ signed “can’t believe my husband is holding this against me”

Did I summarize it correctly?

I suspect your husband is a “nice” guy. You won’t (or shouldn’t) help your husband not be a nice guy because that is something that he needs to discover for himself (or with the help of this forum).
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
208 Posts
My husband has an issue with the fact that I gave the other man several BJs and he finished in my mouth. My husband hasn't gotten BJs from me in years and it was because I grew bored of it. He stopped going down on me so I didn't go down on him. So now he's upset that I did this with the other man and he keeps bringing it up. He will not let it go at all. One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off. How can I get him to get over this and move on?
I would start with some BJs (not me personally but if I was you). I know this would help me.

There's several other things that I did with the other man that I don't do with my husband but the bj's seem to be what's bothering my husband the most. I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft. I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?
Submission is something you feel, not something somebody does to you. If you don’t feel submitted to your husband, is it not more likely to be your issue?

Which part do you want to fix in your marriage? The part where you are not attracted to your husband anymore or the part where you want your husband to be someone he is not? Both of these things are extremely difficult to fix and it’s unlikely you can fix them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,162 Posts
I've been repairing my marriage since.
Really? What have you been doing to repair your marriage? Telling your husband to get over it is not repairing your marriage. Are you in therapy to figure out why you cheated ("I was depressed" isn't a good enough excuse, oh sorry, "answer")? Part of the real answer is in your post, btw. Is he in therapy to figure out why he stayed and to deal with the trauma you caused? What have you done to deal with the depression, besides getting filled up with another man's cum?

You are complaining that it has been 3 whole months and he's still not over it? How dare he! :rolleyes: It takes something like 2-5 years to heal from infidelity and that's IF both parties are actually doing the work. So I'll ask again, what work are you actually doing?

It's "really turning you off" that your husband is so betrayed, hurt, emasculated, and traumatized? YOU caused that! How turned on do you think he is at the thought of you choking down another man's ****?

You will leave him if he doesn't hurry up and get over it? The man should be telling YOU to pack your **** and get out. YOU caused this damage, not him. Suck it up and deal with your consequences or divorce him and go back to sucking something else.

Here's a book to read though I doubt you will: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful: Linda J. MacDonald: 9781450553322: Amazon.com: Books
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,640 Posts
Well, here’s a textbook, classical example in technicolor, WHY a betrayed spouse should just kick his cheater to the curb and move on with his life.

There’s no fixing a person with an entitlement attitude. And, a man who has been punched in the gut in the worst way humanly possible, is unlikely to have the reaction needed in his weakest moment to handle his wife properly, which is to reclaim his power and force her to earn HIS feelings back, and not the other way around. It just doesn’t work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,961 Posts
--snip-- I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but I will if he doesn't change the way he thinks. What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?
It appears that you do not understand the position you are in. I had a little situation just yesterday that brings your position clearly to my mind. Mrs. Nail yelled at me. I stopped everything. Got up and walked away. That is where you are. You are one sharp word away from separation. One wistful glance, one text message, one little slip from the end of your marriage. Yes this is not a comfortable place to be. Yes you feel like it is abusive to you. But it is not malicious. It is simply the natural result of the very abusive things you did to your husband.
So one thing you need to understand. You already destroyed the marriage. He is willing to play along until you learn to get it right. That is an incredibly kind gift to you. A gift many would not offer.
Next thing to understand, if you want your husband (for the day) to get over it you have to give him back what you have taken away. Trust.
Next thing you need to understand. He has established a boundary and he is enforcing it. He is doing exactly what you are asking. And you have the unmitigated gall to call his compliance to your wish Abuse.
And yet another thing, You have been told that this journey you desire is a years long path. You are going to be uncomfortable for years.
Most couples don't survive what you did. It will take extraordinary effort on your part to make it.
There is a boundary that he has that he hasn't announced to you. He refuses to change himself into a stand in for your lost affair partner. He is not going to be the man you betrayed him for.
He could, but you dropped that man like a hot potato. Your husband is not in this for a fling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,783 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,015 Posts
I am completely infuriated to read your post. I would feel that every time I kissed you, for the rest of my life, that I was sucking another man's **** by proxy. Add that to the fact that you never did it for me.... bingo..... dead marriage....

You might as well not even try to "heal" your husband. You won't. You have dealt an unrecoverable blow (no pun intended) to him. You husband now has a completely intractable injury. And, you will have a life sentence that you richly deserve, if you remain married.

What can I do to salvage this marriage?
Nothing. Your marriage is 100% dead. Forever. Stick a fork in it. Forget your husband ever being "the man you need him to be". He is never going to be that.

When he figures out that he is strong, and capable of asserting himself, he will tell you to take a flying phuck at a rolling donut. And, by God, I would just pay real money to hear him tell you that.

How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?
You can't. You cannot "get" another person to do anything. The only way YOU can move on is to move out. But, whatever you do, you can "get over" what you have done, but your husband never will. Keep that in your mind as you prance off to Mr. Right Now (again).
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,022 Posts
I had a 2 month affair with a co-worker. I was depressed at the time and he took advantage of that.

I don't know why I did all these things with this other man. I just like his dominance and his way of making me submit to him. That's something that my husband has never done. He just seems too soft.
So your OM took advantage of you, was dominate in bed and you liked it.

One minute he says he's over it but he ends up saying something sarcastic about it. It's really turning me off.

I really want my husband to be the man that I need him to be but I feel like he is abusing me emotionally.
So because of your affair your husband is being dominate out of bed and you don’t like it.

What can I do to salvage this marriage? How can I get him to get over this so we can move on?
Tell your husband what you want. Stop dominating you out of bed and start doing it in bed. Tell him every time he brings up your affair that’s one less BJ he will get that night. That will keep him in line. There is nothing like repeated BJs for a man to get over things.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,961 Posts
when and if the OP returns to the thread the very first question I have is how many BJ's since DDay but until then we can only offer advice based on her post
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,993 Posts
So your OM took advantage of you, was dominate in bed and you liked it.



So because of your affair your husband is being dominate out of bed and you don’t like it.



Tell your husband what you want. Stop dominating you out of bed and start doing it in bed. Tell him every time he brings up your affair that’s one less BJ he will get that night. That will keep him in line. There is nothing like repeated BJs for a man to get over things.
The BH is not being dominant out of bed. He is being a beta whiner begging for her attention and love.

The issue here is his whining and begging is making her lose even more respect and attraction for him.

A part of her may have been hoping that this would make him man-up and take charge of himself even if it meant tossing her out. But he has become even more pathetic in her eyes.

Having the WW tell the BH what she wants in order for her to stay with him is about the ultimate in further loss of respect and attraction.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,721 Posts
The BH is not being dominant out of bed. He is being a beta whiner begging for her attention and love.

The issue here is his whining and begging is making her lose even more respect and attraction for him.

A part of her may have been hoping that this would make him man-up and take charge of himself even if it meant tossing her out. But he has become even more pathetic in her eyes.

Having the WW tell the BH what she wants in order for her to stay with him is about the ultimate in further loss of respect and attraction.
Or maybe he is just a normal decent guy who is struggling with his wife having chjeated and is fighting for his marriage. I admire him for even trying.
 
1 - 20 of 213 Posts
Top