How can i get him back?

7201 Views 31 Replies 24 Participants Last post by sinnister, Nov 22, 2012

regretfulwife

Discussion Starter · Oct 21, 2012

Basicly im an idiot.
A year ago i cheated on my husband with a guy i met off a dating site. I ended up getting caught and admitted to it all and promised i would never do it again as it was horrible to see the pain my husband was going through.
I apparantly have a short memory span because i was stupid enough to do it again although he doesnt know for a fact i did. I dont want to admit to it for 2 reasons.
1) I am hoping it will go away if i stick to my story
2) If i do admit to it i will lose him for good.
We have been together for 12 years and i had never cheated until that first time and without making excuses because there really isnt any It all started after my dad died and i gave birth. I turned into a different person.
Anyway, he has kicked me out and wont even speak to me, it has been a month now and im at the point where im starting to panic because I know how stupid ive been and i dont know what to do or how to try and fix it.
What to do???

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dogman

· #2 · Oct 21, 2012

regretfulwife said:
Basicly im an idiot.
A year ago i cheated on my husband with a guy i met off a dating site. I ended up getting caught and admitted to it all and promised i would never do it again as it was horrible to see the pain my husband was going through.
I apparantly have a short memory span because i was stupid enough to do it again although he doesnt know for a fact i did. I dont want to admit to it for 2 reasons.
1) I am hoping it will go away if i stick to my story
2) If i do admit to it i will lose him for good.
We have been together for 12 years and i had never cheated until that first time and without making excuses because there really isnt any It all started after my dad died and i gave birth. I turned into a different person.
Anyway, he has kicked me out and wont even speak to me, it has been a month now and im at the point where im starting to panic because I know how stupid ive been and i dont know what to do or how to try and fix it.
What to do???

Wow...I know what it's like to make mistakes.

Your husband was too easy on you the first time or you would have changed. If you accepted responsibility and made changes the first time it wouldn't have happened again.

If he takes you back it will happen a third time because something is wrong inside of you. I know because I've had to change the way I think to overcome my issues.

You need to show him you are working on yourself. This will take time. You need to go to counseling solo for awhile and find out what's going on with you.

You will need to be honest with him about the second time. FULL DISCLOSURE. There is no way to move forward without this.

Let me ask you this...did you have full on sex both of these times and were both times the result of Internet activity?

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regretfulwife

Discussion Starter · #3 · Oct 21, 2012

I cant admit ive done it again......i just cant. I dont know what is wrong with me other than i completely stupid.
Yes it was sex both times and i had met both on the internet, It almost became like an addiction. I think i enjoyed the attention that i just didnt get from my husband. Stupid but true...

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warlock07

· #4 · Oct 21, 2012

He kicked you out for the first time itself? Was the 2nd time before or after you were caught? Were you staying with him when the 2nd time happened?

Are you getting some counseling?

Did you get tested for STDs?

dogman

· #5 · Oct 21, 2012

regretfulwife said:
I cant admit ive done it again......i just cant. I dont know what is wrong with me other than i completely stupid.
Yes it was sex both times and i had met both on the internet, It almost became like an addiction. I think i enjoyed the attention that i just didnt get from my husband. Stupid but true...

Sorry but when it's a serial cheating situation I think you have to tell about EVERYTHING. even the times you messed with this that it didn't turn into full blown sex. You must have interacting with other men quite a bit until you finally pulled the trigger.

Until you have honesty you can't fix yourself. If you don't fix yourself you'll never get to the place we all talk about where our marriage is stronger because of what happened.

If you try to go around this part you will lose.
Besides, I don't think he will talk to you untill honesty starts happening.

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regretfulwife

Discussion Starter · #6 · Oct 21, 2012

He kicked me out after the second time. The first time i actually tried to leave and he begged me not to. Maybe he should have and i would have learnt my lesson and realised how much i miss him.
If i be honest about what i have done this time he will definitley never ever talk to me again. I cry every day and think of how damn stupid i was but i have to also say alot of his behaviours pushed me in that direction to start with.
Still no excuse i know but.....

dogman

· #7 · Oct 21, 2012

regretfulwife said:
He kicked me out after the second time. The first time i actually tried to leave and he begged me not to. Maybe he should have and i would have learnt my lesson and realised how much i miss him.
If i be honest about what i have done this time he will definitley never ever talk to me again. I cry every day and think of how damn stupid i was but i have to also say alot of his behaviours pushed me in that direction to start with.
Still no excuse i know but.....

I don't think your done cheating. I can't in good conscience help you get him back if you will do it again. You clearly will from the language you use.

He knows already he just needs to hear it from you. He knows your lying that's why he won't talk to you.

Continue counseling but at least be honest with the counselor. Maybe you can at least come out of this a better person for your next relationship.

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happyman64

· #8 · Oct 21, 2012

RW

You need counselling.

You have a problem.

And your husband did not push you to fall on the OM's penis.

Period.

If you really love him go see a counselor. Give that counselor permission to update your H on your progress.

Here is a hint for you.

Your Husband has found his balls now. He knows you are a cheater. He knows you are a liar. He is coming o the realization that he can be a single parent without you.

Until you love yourself you cannot really love him r respect the marriage.

So you ave one option left.

Go to counseling. Get help for yourself. Bring your H to the first session and tell him the entire truth. Tell him that you love him, do not want a Divorce but you need counseling to help you understand why you made these terrible decisions.

It is the only way you will get a herd of respect from him.

If not, he will be sending you divorce papers soon.

HM64

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Shaggy

· #9 · Oct 21, 2012

Why do you want to be with him? I really can't believe you really want to be with him or you wouldn't have cheated the first time, and knowing that it has ll but ended your marriage you wouldn't have cheated a second time,

Clearly you want the fun of dating and having sex with other men, or you wouldn't be a serial cheater.

It comes down simply to what your actions say about what you value. You wont go out and smash your car, because you value it. You won't go out and burn down your house because you value it. But because you did chose to cheat repeatedly, you obviously do not value your marriage or your husband.

Even if you hide this time what about the next, or the one after that? If you get away Scott free with cheating this time, you'll eventually rationalize that no harm, no foul and do it again.

So why not come clean to him about what you have chosen to do again. That way you both are dealing with the truth, and maybe just maybe you will face enough consequences this time that you'll realize there will be consequences enough that you will choose next time not to cheat on him.

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Shaggy

· #10 · Oct 21, 2012

Btw, my above post is not meant as an attack. I'm suggesting you learn from the choices you are making what your true personal wants are.

The fact you went on a dating site when married for 11years and with a child, reveals what you want.

The fact even though your marriage and family are already in the middle of the aftermath of your cheating, you still chose consciously to do it again.

Him finding out you cheated a second time isn't what will end your marriage, it was your choosing what you wanted (hooking up) that will end your marriage.

So whats changed since your two affairs that makes you think you now want to be married and faithful?

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LearninAsWeGo

· #11 · Oct 21, 2012 (Edited)

You aren't mature enough to be married. Not only did no go looking for an affair, you went through with it. Then, even with the consequences, you did it again. That's pretty extreme. You're trying to lead the double life and live a lie, and you will do it again. You can try therapy, but you have bad values. If you want a long term relationship, try finding someone for an open relationship or marriage. It's a personality flaw. Sorry.

...If you love him, then tell him about the 2nd affair too, say sorry if you mean it, and then leave him alone. He will keep you kicked to the curb (I would have the first time... kids or not). Maybe he can go find what he is looking for, and he seems genuinely interested in faithful marriage. He has a much better shot at getting remarried and having a stable environment for your kids (you can have every other weekend with them... and the rest of the time to play around or do whatever). You owe him at least that much with what you've put him through. It's better to lose someone with the truth than keep them with a lie. GL

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SomedayDig

· #12 · Oct 21, 2012

As with all of the other posters here, RW...in my opinion you CAN'T get him back. You pushed him away. By wanting to get him back but not telling him the truth, it simply says that you never learned and possibly never will learn how to be truthful about your transgressions.

Your husband made the right decision in leaving under those circumstances. Unfortunately for you, you don't get to decide if he comes back. That's HIS choice.

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unbelievable

· #13 · Oct 21, 2012

You aren't stupid. Training or education can fix "stupid". You have a selfishness problem. You have a commitment problem. You have an honesty problem, a loyalty problem, an integrity problem, and basically, your character sucks pond water. Stupid implies a dumb mistake. You made a series of selfish, deliberate, willful decisions that were fatal to your marriage and were made in complete disregard for the feelings of others involved. You didn't have to wait to see the pain on your husband's face to know your conduct would cause him pain. You don't deserve a decent husband in your present configuration and you certainly don't deserve an opportunity to destroy the last few shreds of dignity you left this poor sap. Get your character fixed. Until you do, you are useless as a wife, a mother, an employee, a neighbor, or even a member of society. Sorry to be so blunt, but minimizing or misidentifying your problem won't help you fix anything.

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daggeredheart

· #14 · Oct 21, 2012

regretfulwife said:
I cant admit ive done it again......i just cant. I dont know what is wrong with me other than i completely stupid.
Yes it was sex both times and i had met both on the internet, It almost became like an addiction. I think i enjoyed the attention that i just didnt get from my husband. Stupid but true...

*liked that you admitted your stupid actions....1st thing, I mean don't stop on the way*** get yourself into counseling. You have esteem issues that no man will every be able to fill. You are not the main actress in a Redshoe Diaries plot here. It is a addiction and the net makes it so easy but the real culprit here is your poor boundaries and why you despise yourself.

Ovid

· #15 · Oct 21, 2012

When I agreed to try and work things out after her A I told her once was a huge mistake twice is a habit. If there's a second she's gone. No doubt your H feels the same and knows about number two. You need to come completely clean. You need to open up every aspect of your life to him. You need to be as volnerable as you're asking him to be. Then, maybe you'll have a chance. IMHO it would be a mistake for him to take you back. You went looking for trouble. Now you want it to go away.
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jim123

· #16 · Oct 21, 2012

regretfulwife said:
He kicked me out after the second time. The first time i actually tried to leave and he begged me not to. Maybe he should have and i would have learnt my lesson and realised how much i miss him.
If i be honest about what i have done this time he will definitley never ever talk to me again. I cry every day and think of how damn stupid i was but i have to also say alot of his behaviours pushed me in that direction to start with.
Still no excuse i know but.....

If it his his behaviors that push you, why do you want to go back? Time to go fix yourself.

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Kasler

· #17 · Oct 21, 2012 (Edited)

SomedayDig said:
As with all of the other posters here, RW...in my opinion you CAN'T get him back. You pushed him away. By wanting to get him back but not telling him the truth, it simply says that you never learned and possibly never will learn how to be truthful about your transgressions.

Your husband made the right decision in leaving under those circumstances. Unfortunately for you, you don't get to decide if he comes back. That's HIS choice.

^ This

The fact that you want him back without having to be honest or own up to your mistakes, that makes you a serial cheater, and even if he did take you back you would do it again because you're not changing yourself.

He probably already knows. With your track record any suspicion of his he'll take as fact. And you've already been kicked out. For all you know hes just waiting to see how long his so called wife will lie to him and not fess up, which is making the state of your marriage worse.

Also I saw where you say he pushed you in that direction, LIES. He pushed you nowhere, you chose to go out and have sex with another man and you chose to do it twice, rather than work on your issues.

Don't tell him that, you need to own up and accept the blame for everything, like you should've done the first time. And then you need counseling cause you would only cheat on him a 3rd time the way you are now, no doubt.

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Kallan Pavithran

· #18 · Oct 21, 2012

You cant get him back, he realized you are only regretfulwife not remorseful wife.

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the guy

· #19 · Oct 21, 2012

regretfulwife said:
He kicked me out after the second time. The first time i actually tried to leave and he begged me not to. Maybe he should have and i would have learnt my lesson and realised how much i miss him.
If i be honest about what i have done this time he will definitley never ever talk to me again. I cry every day and think of how damn stupid i was but i have to also say alot of his behaviours pushed me in that direction to start with.
Still no excuse i know but.....

There is no "but" here. you have a problem....an addiction and you need help.

I think once you move on and work on your lack of boundries and your entitlement issues you might find a healthy relationship again.

You really can't make any one do something they have to want to do it.....funny how this mind set can go both ways.

Anyway maybe if your H saw you working on your self, and going and adressing your issues with counselor, he might take you back.

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TDSC60

· #20 · Oct 21, 2012

You say he kicked you out after the second affair, then he knows more than you think he does. He knows you are a liar. He knows you are a cheat. He knows you actively sought out other men on the internet. He found your second lover and you're gone.

He will not take you back under the current circumstances because he knows about #2 and that was it. Your continued lying is what he is looking at now.

If you tell the whole truth you may have a slim chance.

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