Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ive allways had the problem with getting my wife to tell me how she feels. I can tell by her facial expressions that theres something wrong. But she wont tell me whats bothereing her. Am I going about it wrong? I'll ask if shes ok or if theres anything the matter, and the response is allways a deppresed "no, im fine" etc.
Its not a constant thing to where shes allways moping around. just here and there she'll get in a mood. We've just been going through a bunch of things in our relationship. Trying to work some things out. And this is supposed to be a huge issue on the list. Her lack of communication skills. Should i go about it in another way?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,478 Posts
Re: how can i get her to talk to me? "is everything ok?" doesnt seem to work.

Good grief.. you two have some major issues.

Are you both in MC.
I think you need professional help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
202 Posts
Re: how can i get her to talk to me? "is everything ok?" doesnt seem to work.

You should tell her you want to talk, set aside some one on one time. Then tell her you know something is up, and that you can't fix it, if you don't know what needs to be fixed.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
62 Posts
Re: how can i get her to talk to me? "is everything ok?" doesnt seem to work.

I hope my answer isn't the best one you get but it's what happened in my situation.

My wife was just like that. We both came into our marriage with major issues. Hers was a serious distrust of men. Her dad was a dictator and he ridiculed his kids so my wife built up defenses by shutting herself down. She became numb to her feelings. What this meant was early in our marriage I'd ask her what's wrong and get the exact same thing you described. So I understand your frustration.

If your wife is like mine was the answer is she's going to need to learn to trust you, and I don't mean with the simple things. I mean with her heart. And that takes time. The reason it takes time is because your words aren't going to do it. For my wife the trust issues were too deep, and they involved more than just what was happening between us. They involved a lifetime of feelings, beliefs, etc. And that stuff isn't overcome overnight.

That's why I hope you get a better answer than mine. Because if mine is correct you need to be ready to commit yourself for the long haul (which you should have done anyway) - because there's no way around it taking time.

She needs to known she can trust you no matter what the circumstances, and that what you say is consistently matched by how you act. How do you do that? By being trustworthy, and also by not trying to force the issue with verbal affirmations from her.

What enabled me to hang in there is because I've always loved my wife. She is the most genuine and beautiful person I've ever known. But my telling her that in our early years wasn't believed. It's now been decades and I can't tell you exactly when it happened but we have a great relationship today and there are seldom any issues between us. And any that do come up on occasion we can quickly resolve.

So my best advice is to love her and be patient. In time, if she loves you she'll come to trust you and open up.

I realize your situation with your wife may be entirely different than mine. Your description just hit a nerve with me because communication was so difficult for us for the first third of our marriage. It took a long time for us. I hope it's better for you and not as I've outlined. I was relating my story which may not apply with your spouse. Then again it might.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,485 Posts
Re: how can i get her to talk to me? "is everything ok?" doesnt seem to work.

Ive allways had the problem with getting my wife to tell me how she feels. I can tell by her facial expressions that theres something wrong. But she wont tell me whats bothereing her. Am I going about it wrong? I'll ask if shes ok or if theres anything the matter, and the response is allways a deppresed "no, im fine" etc.
Its not a constant thing to where shes allways moping around. just here and there she'll get in a mood. We've just been going through a bunch of things in our relationship. Trying to work some things out. And this is supposed to be a huge issue on the list. Her lack of communication skills. Should i go about it in another way?
Yes, another way: keylog her computer, VAR in the computer room, VAR under her car seat, spyware on her cell phone, and GPS her car. You'll soon see why she doesn't want to share her thoughts with you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Re: how can i get her to talk to me? "is everything ok?" doesnt seem to work.

thanks @vrs . , and too you other guys, what the hell is a keylog and all that other stuff? and being as it is so close to my last post which immediately set off some alarms. maybe there are connected in some way. I feel that we're over that mess, alot of things were discussed and resolved.
The last week ( give or take a few days ) has been one of the best in our relationship. But.......I kind of flipped out yesterday. I was so pissed at the situation i was in ,which had multiple levels of stress factors. It didnt involve her till the end, when i required her assistance, and i got the usual response that sets me off even more. But I didnt go off on her I instead walked to the store to blow off steam. When i got back everything was fine and I appologized for my actions. Shes got a major issue with me not being around her, like I cant go anywhere by myself, thats for another time.
We got hit with alot of snow, and where im from we didnt get that much snow so it still excites me to an extent. I started working on a huge igloo/mini sled hill for our daughter. I did work on it for like 4 hours last night. and maybe 2 today. idk maybe she thinks im mad at something because i was at it for so long. but im just a perfectionist at **** like that. because im a half-assed artist. but i get ocd with artsy ****.
Maybe she thinks im mad at something and does'nt want to mad me even more mad. That was a reason she told me its difficult to express her feelings to me is her fear of me blowing up. Well I kind of just figured out most of the problem while in the middle of writing this response. The last 2 days have been a bit of a speedbump in paradise that has been the post crushed heart incident. Last night some friends came over. nd when i mean some friends i mean like 5 or 6 of em pile in the door. But i still had most attention on her and lily. Not showing attention to guests is rude But intruding in on what might have possibly been family time is rude. most of my friends are worthless, deadbeat parents and low lives. i live in a poverty stuck area. Im probably the most intellegent of my so called friends. Its a shame.
That was another big issue, my company over her. I showed i can still keep her irrelevant while hangin out with company. Then a set of friends asked to stay the night. i told her it was up to her and she said the could. Theyre homeless pretty much, couch hoppers. The ****ers didnt leave till like 2 hours ago. **** we were getting real intimate with eachother after my daughter took a nap, it got postponed due to the bums return.
So like an hour ago I could see it on her face that she was getting agravated. The bums were acting like they were going to pull the ill sit here till your about to go to bed and ask to stay routine. She went to lay down. I told the bums They had to go, and she says shes fine shes just tired. Idk. I was kind of looking forward to ****in around. Im still worked up from the sudden stop of earliers sheet play.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Re: how can i get her to talk to me? "is everything ok?" doesnt seem to work.

@Machiavelli ....lol **** im scroungin up change for ciggarettes, i dont have deep enough pockets to play inspector gadget. lol
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
100 Posts
Re: how can i get her to talk to me? "is everything ok?" doesnt seem to work.

@Machiavelli ....lol **** im scroungin up change for ciggarettes, i dont have deep enough pockets to play inspector gadget. lol
You're going to get responses that insist with near 100% certainty she is having an affair and you should begin an aggressive regiment of countermeasures. That's what those posts are about. People advise from their personal frame of reference and lots of folks are pretty jaded from some bad histories.

In your case I suspect it isn't time for 24 hr surveillance (actually I really never think that helps anything, but that's a different topic)

Women that had really bad father figures can have a very difficult time opening up. In this way they're not going to be wired like "average women" who are mainly looking for an active listener.

So you have two challenges IMO...

1) you have to try hard to create that actual safe environment that Vrs spoke of and try hard to keep your cool. It will be easy to trigger her defenses, make her feel threatened, and cause her to shut down

2) once she is feeling safe you need to try to use that moment and coax her feelings out of her a bit. This is going to be tricky because it requires becoming a really good "read" of someone and that can be hard


Over time though, it should get easier as you learn her signals and she opens up more.

Don't lose hope. Some people are a "project" because of their baggage but it doesn't mean they don't want help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Re: how can i get her to talk to me? "is everything ok?" doesnt seem to work.

It is and has been a challenge. She has ALOT of baggage, she was raped twice and her mother had that diease that eminems mom had. I have no idea how to spell it. I can get her to talk to me on some occasions. But when the problem is at hand she clams up.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top