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Discussion Starter #1
I haven't seen my husband in 10 months because, being miserable and depressed in the country we were living, and because we did not come to a common agreement , I left with the kids, hoping that he would follow us, sooner or later. He stays there to be close to his parents ( 1000 km but much better that 20,000 km)
We talk almost daily on skype and he will visit us for a 4 week holiday for Christmas.
The problem is, he is talking about how what I did affected him very much and he lost his connection with me, he does not seem to miss me but he misses his kids enormously and resents me for leaving him without them.He seems depressed and does not know anymore what his role in life is, he seems lost but unable to make any decision.....

I feel guilty but I know why I did all this and I did not feel that he fought for us to stick toghether no matter what...

How can I find the way back to his heart? Because I miss him and I really love him....

What if he does not love me anymore?
I can't wait for him to come for Christmas but he does not seem like that towards me.....

PLEASE PLEASE , I need some good advice !
 

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:iagree: I'm going thru something similar, husband had to leave for 8months due to work and has caused him to disconnect from me.. Relationships need intimacy, and you can't get that via Skype or text... I'd get back there if possible, if he does still love u at all
 

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I haven't seen my husband in 10 months because, being miserable and depressed in the country we were living, and because we did not come to a common agreement , I left with the kids, hoping that he would follow us, sooner or later. He stays there to be close to his parents ( 1000 km but much better that 20,000 km)
We talk almost daily on skype and he will visit us for a 4 week holiday for Christmas.
The problem is, he is talking about how what I did affected him very much and he lost his connection with me, he does not seem to miss me but he misses his kids enormously and resents me for leaving him without them.He seems depressed and does not know anymore what his role in life is, he seems lost but unable to make any decision.....

I feel guilty but I know why I did all this and I did not feel that he fought for us to stick toghether no matter what...

How can I find the way back to his heart? Because I miss him and I really love him....

What if he does not love me anymore?
I can't wait for him to come for Christmas but he does not seem like that towards me.....

PLEASE PLEASE , I need some good advice !
Two areas of concern here that I have in bold and underlined. You didn't like the place you were living in and you wanted to move away. Your husband did not. You say that the two of you did not make any progress with the your discussions about your living arrangements, so you up and left him and took his children away from him. Yeah, I'd be pretty upset with you too if you were my wife. I may never even care to see you ever again, because what you did was an act of betrayal on a level similar to infidelity IMO. Let me guess...I bet you and the kids live very close to YOUR parents, hmmmm?

The second statement I bolded and underlined - yeah, that's a little hard to take. You say he didn't fight enough for all of you to be together. That statement actually describes you. YOU did not fight hard enough to remain together as a family. It was YOU that broke your family up.

Unless you call him and ask him if he would be willing to stay with you if you move back to where he lives, I have no answers for you to make your situation any better. You abandoned your husband. How do you expect him to feel?
 

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I feel guilty but I know why I did all this and I did not feel that he fought for us to stick toghether no matter what...

How can I find the way back to his heart? Because I miss him and I really love him....

What if he does not love me anymore?
I can't wait for him to come for Christmas but he does not seem like that towards me.....

PLEASE PLEASE , I need some good advice !
Stop being manipulative. This was a cruel thing that you did to him, and you did it because you wanted him to "prove" his love and follow you. That's a huge betrayal, and your best chance of fixing it is to get humble, ask him how you can make it up to him, and then do that. However, the best you can expect is what you had before. You're simply not going to find a different person than he was even if he does forgive you.
 

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Seeing how people build a wall, run into it repeatedly, get hurt and complain about not being able to get to happiness.......

makes me sad, and desperate. Because what am I possible doing stupid in my own situation....how can one see his situation objectively, is that even possible?
 
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Seeing how people build a wall, run into it repeatedly, get hurt and complain about not being able to get to happiness.......

makes me sad, and desperate. Because what am I possible doing stupid in my own situation....how can one see his situation objectively, is that even possible?
I was thinking the same thing recently. If I had of told others the real situation in my marriage they would have told me to move on I am sure. I stayed put for various reasons and all valid at the time.

But situations like the one in the OP are just so glaringly wrong, surely the people involved can see the truth themselves.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Thank you for all your answers, no matter what.

As in general, things are not black and white and if you read my previuos threads maybe you can see the whole picture.

I did not want to move from our life in the country we were living. ( I do not have my parents close ) and I did it for him, anyway. We discussed before the move and he promissed that we would return in case I was unhappy. Well, he broke his promise when it turned out he changed his mind. And he actually said he will not come back but I and the kids can go, if that's what I want....but he will not .

It did not seem to bother him too much or at least understand that I could not adapt there and that I was very depressed.

I had a choice but he had one as well.
 

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You, your H, and your kids were living in Country A, moved to Country B for a trial period; you wanted to return to A, but H wanted to stay in B; you argued and H said, you and kids can go to A, but I'm staying in B; so, you took the kids and went to A; you wish H would have gone with you to A or persuaded you to stay in B with him and now you regret your choice because H feels abandoned. Is this an accurate summary?

Ask your H -- do you still want to be married? Are you willing to come to A or do you want me and the kids to come to B? Be honest. If the only way you can have a relationship with H is by moving back, would you?

Were you both having problems before the separation? Did you inform him of your initiation of the separation or give him a chance to object? I can't imagine you'd leave over something small, so what was the thing making you so unhappy in B that you returned to A, knowing you'd be jeopardizing your marriage? What is in A that was more important to you than keeping your marriage and family in tact? Friends? Siblings? Parents? Something pulled you there. And, why wouldn't H consider returning, when he had promised to? What is he attached to in B? being near parents and family? An OW? Is A your hometown while B is his? Was this a miscommunication? Have you two had counseling?

Something is missing in this equation...
 
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Discussion Starter #12
Country A is my adopted country and the place I feel I belong, I love it here , it's the place where I met my husband and had my children, I was very happy here always, it has sunshine, breathtaking scenery and beaches, lovely friendly people. Country B is the exact opposite for me, cold, grey, unfriendly and a place where I could not adapt to or integrate myself and where I felt literally suffocated for 4 years....to a point that I just wanted out no matter what....
He stays there because he feels it's his duty as an only child, his parents have always manipulated him and made him feel he betrayed them by abandoning them....

We tried counselling but when the counsellor implied that his relationship with his mother is unhealthy and destroying our marriage he refused to continue the counselling.

He is blaming me now for everything, which is very convenient for him....
 

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Well, it sounds to me like the message is clear: His mother is his priority, almost like alcohol becomes an alcoholic's priority even if they say their greatest values are home, family, etc.

If she is not YOUR priority, then you have to be codependent on him and let his behaviors dictate your life, or you have to learn to let go of the things that are unhealthy for you, which in this case is a husband who does not prioritize his marriage and family.

You could tell him that his choice to follow his duty to his mother means he is abandoning his duty to his wife and children. It may not have an effect, but who knows, maybe he will see the light. Ask him to come on here and read what you've written and how people have responded.

On the flip side, you let YOUR wants and desires be more important than your marriage too. Your priorities put him and your children as less important than getting to live in country A when you moved and took his children.
 

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You left him, took the kids and moved far away from him. He may still love you but has put up a wall to protect himself from further hurt. The only way to know is to talk to him, tell him how you feel, apologize for breaking his heart ...because that's what you did. Leaving him was not a good way to test his love. :(
 

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Yes and she put herself ahead of her children and her husband. Now they are all suffering.
If you read the other threads you will see that the husband appears to have broken a promise to the OP to return to New Zealand if she was unhappy in Europe. It is a very difficult situation where the aged parents are not prepared to move from Austria so expected their son, who had settled in NZ, to return to Europe to be near them. He did this, uprooting his wife and children, conditional on a promise to return to NZ if wife was unhappy.

It is a mess with the husband caught between his parents on the one hand and his wife on the other and apparently having to let down one or the other.

If I were the husband I would give priority to my wife and children but perhaps that is just me.
 

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If you read the other threads you will see that the husband appears to have broken a promise to the OP to return to New Zealand if she was unhappy in Europe. It is a very difficult situation where the aged parents are not prepared to move from Austria so expected their son, who had settled in NZ, to return to Europe to be near them. He did this, uprooting his wife and children, conditional on a promise to return to NZ if wife was unhappy.

It is a mess with the husband caught between his parents on the one hand and his wife on the other and apparently having to let down one or the other.

If I were the husband I would give priority to my wife and children but perhaps that is just me.
Yes I can see both sides and it is a very difficult situation no doubt about it. But the OP is asking how to get back into her husbands heart. She took herself and her children away from him, that was her solution.
This is a no win situation, she cannot take his children away and also expect to be in his heart, it is as simple as that. She can either go back to him or accept that her actions have destroyed her marriage. This is not to lay blame squarely on her but sometimes you just can't have it all.
 

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Guy refuses to abandon his parents, wife leaves with the kids (quite possibly smuggling them illegally out of the country, that is what she isn't saying) because New Zealand is sunnier and has beautiful beaches... Give me a break!

Any woman who pulls that stunt of stealing away her kids from their father when all the guy wants is to be there for his old folk over fluff reasons like that isn't really someone i would advise a guy to be married to. I hope her husband manages to find a real wife soon.
 

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It doesn't matter what country I am in, I would not feel at "home" unless I was with the one I wanted to grow old with. There seems to be a lot more going on than what I've read.
 
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