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Been married 15 years. When we first met she hated my friends because we partied a lot, too much, so I cut them off and lost all contact with them. Is it too late to reach out to them? With that I lost interest in things I like to do and for most of our marriage it was just her and I. We were best friends and lovers…We did everything together

Long story short, she became an alcoholic over the last two years, went to rehab and has been clean for about 100 days. From the work she is doing in AA, I realized I didn’t have a “self” anymore. I want to live again.

I know this seems strange, but how does a 45 year old guy go about rediscovering himself and make new friends outside of work.

Somethings I’ve started to do are:
  • Working out, alone
  • Bike riding, alone
  • Play golf – But I do it alone
  • fish, with my son
Also I live in the North East and winter is coming, most of the activities I like are out doors and I don’t like the cold so skiing is out

Any advice would help
 

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Reach out to some of those old friends

Apologize for falling off the face of the earth and offer to take them out for a meal and drinks. See if they are involved with any winter type things like a darts team or a bowling league
 

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Working out... try to find a work out buddy.

Bike riding in the North East... Join the New England Mountain Bike Association

Play golf... sign up for random match-ups at local club.

Fish... I don't know. I don't fish but maybe father/son time should just be father/son time.
 

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Look for a bike club and start joining the club rides. Often on Saturday or Sunday mornings. Or find something else you might be interested in doing and try to join an organized group.

You don't like the cold? That really sucks because there is so much to do in the cold. The NE has great ice climbing and ok skiing. Probably some good ice fishing too, which is a great guy activity. Snowmobiling is fun. When I lived in Michigan we used to snowmobile to a bar 10 miles away for dinner and drinks....tons of people do it and meeting friends is easy.

Most golf courses have "men's clubs" where they do regular games and tournaments.

quit working out alone. Join a gym.

Re: fishing.... if asked, most guys will say yes to a day of fishing. I've had clients and co-workers ask if I wanted to go fishing and I always say yes. Just don't try to sell them anything. Approach a co-worker who you think might be cool and mention that you're going fishing on Saturday. Ask if he wants to come. What's the worst that can happen? It's not like you're asking to do his wife or anything. Oh, and I always say yes when guys ask if I want to go to a football game too (which seems to happen a couple times every year).
 

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Working on Me is right on, with plenty of good ideas. Join a club or team. Can't golf, it's winter, find an alley and join a bowling league. Does your work organize any activities or have Fraternal organizations? How about your church, any groups or activities there? I know the parks and schools have plenty of age appropriate team leagues, softball, basketball, volleyball ect. Local civic groups and volunteer fire departments are always looking for members. And if you want more, check this out, Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup. Got a son, great, nothing like leading Boy Scouts or coaching him in sports.

Good for you to try to get it back. That's what it's all about.

BTW, have you been to a meeting yet? Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
 

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quit doing everything for everybody. start reading and doing anything thats interesting.

some of the things I like to do
Hunt
Fish
shoot guns
exercise
wood carving
home projects
fix cars
garden
train dogs
smoke meat with the smoker I got at the flea market for 2$
garage sale/flea markets/auctions.

drink beer. only in moderation can't hang with the big boys any more just beats me up to much.

mountian biking.
coach baseball.

damn I wish I was retired .....oh only got 20 years to go.
 

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damn I wish I was retired .....oh only got 20 years to go.
I can say that retired 1 1/2 years now, I stay plenty busy. But don't rush it, enjoy the ride first.

BTW, Smoked meat? Is that for the beer?
 

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I volunteer at my mountaineering club. I also volunteer as an assistant scout master with our local boy scout troop. I'm not a member, but our local gun club has a very active group of shooters and they seem to all be good friends. All of these are manly activities that could get you out and about with other guys.
 

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Just wondering - could any of you picture Clint Eastwood posting something like this?

I think a lot of our "Manhood" comes from inside. Has little to do with the approval of others or who you choose to spend time with.
 

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I can say that retired 1 1/2 years now, I stay plenty busy. But don't rush it, enjoy the ride first.

BTW, Smoked meat? Is that for the beer?
thats sage advice and I will enjoy the ride!and yes smoked meat goes pretty damn good with molsen. and cheses gota have some chese with your smoked meat.
 
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Just wondering - could any of you picture Clint Eastwood posting something like this?

I think a lot of our "Manhood" comes from inside. Has little to do with the approval of others or who you choose to spend time with.
ever hear an interview with clit? I mean clint. hes a pu$$y in my book. the tough guy thing is just acting.
 

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I like the suggestion of apologizing to old friends.

I did a combination of reconnecting with old friends and using meetup.com to do interesting activities with other people.
 

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:iagree:

get out of the house for 18 hours at a time and you'll feel like quite the social butterfly. It will also build your support system if things get overwhelming with your wife's recovery.

Yes I used the word butterfly in a "manhood" post. You know what I mean.
 

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That is a hard one!!! That whole alcoholic thing would make me fume to know end. I'm guessing it has drastically changed your dynamic with her and that is why you are looking to "reconnect' with old friends or just guys in general? Or are you just missing that element?


I did much the same, but 100% by choice. I had little in common with my party animal single buddies as I was with child and married. When I have free time there is no place Id rather be than with the wife or my kids, but my wife becoming a Alcoholic and all of that would probably change that in a huge way. Borderline divorce!!
 

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Been married 15 years. When we first met she hated my friends because we partied a lot, too much, so I cut them off and lost all contact with them. Is it too late to reach out to them? With that I lost interest in things I like to do and for most of our marriage it was just her and I. We were best friends and lovers…We did everything together

Long story short, she became an alcoholic over the last two years, went to rehab and has been clean for about 100 days. From the work she is doing in AA, I realized I didn’t have a “self” anymore. I want to live again.

I know this seems strange, but how does a 45 year old guy go about rediscovering himself and make new friends outside of work.

Somethings I’ve started to do are:
  • Working out, alone
  • Bike riding, alone
  • Play golf – But I do it alone
  • fish, with my son
Also I live in the North East and winter is coming, most of the activities I like are out doors and I don’t like the cold so skiing is out

Any advice would help
The solution to your problem is simple. Start doing all the things that you used to do, and do as you please (within reason). And tell her that this is the way it's going to be. If she can be cool with it, stay married to her. If not, divorce her.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Thanks for all your suggestions. I really like the bowling league and may try to give skiing a shot!

Still not 100% sure about reconnect with old friends, but as you said, what do I have to lose
 

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What did you want to do when you were 15? 20? Stuff you gave up or never tried cos you were worried about what people thought? Go for those and meet people doing the same thing. Classes, clubs...
 

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A man alone is still a man. Being a loner is okay and quite manly in some peoples eyes. I suggest you don't have to hang out with others if you don't want too and you do what your gut tells you to do.

Perhaps a man does

What he wants
When he wants
Where he wants
With whom he wants
As much as he wants
 
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