[UTurn?]

i am recently married (a few months)

now that the honeymoon is over, it's become clear that the marriage is not going to work. we want totally different things in life and after several years together already, the attraction has waned. there were some issues even before we got married, but we ignored them and probably just hoped they'd go away. i don't think these differences are reconcilable. either we will split, or one of us will just have to bury what they want and be miserable (like what my parents did until their bitter divorce)

i guess it was fear of being without her that made me go through with the wedding, but it's becoming really clear that we've both married the wrong person

but i know if i ask for a divorce so soon, it will humiliate my wife - especially among her family. i still love her very much as a friend, and want this to be as painless for her as possible. she is a beautiful person and will one day be a great wife for a more compatable guy

i feel the best way is for her to feel like it's her decision. is there anything i can do to gently nudge her in that direction? i know this seems like a manipulative thing to do, and that's not really who i am, but i'm getting desperate

any advice greatly appreciated!

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

In your case, alimony would help, the more the better. She'll need it for therapy. Also you should move far, far, away. And what's this about doing things and saying things to make her make the decision...you know that's sociopathic, right? Grow up and find your b*lls and speak up for what's not working for you. Holy cr*p, I can see why the marriage doesn't work, you're unable to advocate for any of your needs, or to have an honest discussion with your own spouse...

 

[MSC71]

How about trying to work your problems out? Talk to her. Go to counseling. Something......

 

[wiigirl]

In your case, alimony would help, the more the better. She'll need it for therapy. Also you should move far, far, away. And what's this about doing things and saying things to make her make the decision...you know that's sociopathic, right? Grow up and find your b*lls and speak up for what's not working for you. Holy cr*p, I can see why the marriage doesn't work, you're unable to advocate for any of your needs, or to have an honest discussion with your own spouse...

:iagree:

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[moxy]

Either you make an effort or you let her go now. What are these big differences you're alluding to?

Quit trying to be "noble" and spare her feelings. Manipulating her into thinking it is her idea is cowardly and foolish. You're just trying to avoid looking like the bad guy. you won't be the bad guy if you treat her with respect and dignity. She'll get over you. If you're not into her any more, just tell her so she can move on. You've used her, you want to discard her because the novelty has worn off, and you don't even have the guts to be honest about wanting out?

For her sake, I hope she realizes she can do better than be with your immaturity -- or that you grow a spine and just be honest with her.

 

[notperfectanymore]

How about trying to work your problems out? Talk to her. Go to counseling. Something......

Seriously...you might want to put SOME EFFORT into your marriage?

Sounds to me like there is someone else in your life....this screams EA to me...

Please free her in a manly way...be HONEST with her....

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

It could be that you're depressed, OP, or have trouble coping with change, or need constant attention such as you might have got in the early stages of this relationship. Some people with narcissistic tendencies struggle with this kind of ennui once newness has worn off and the wife/gf needs to attend to whatever things people attend to in their lives (family, friends, health, work, hobbies...)

Don't manipulate your wife into anything. Keep your mouth shut for the meantime and see a therapist, and be completely honest with the therapist, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by knowing once and for all why you are finding yourself in this situation. If you don't do this now, you risk finding yourself in this place over and over again, with no coping skills other than the really ineffectual and mean things that you're coming up with now.

 

[3Xnocharm]

Seriously...you might want to put SOME EFFORT into your marriage?

Sounds to me like there is someone else in your life....this screams EA to me...

Please free her in a manly way...be HONEST with her....

Yep, I'm sure there is. For my ex husband, it was his FIRST wife.

 

[Ovid]

i am recently married (a few months)

now that the honeymoon is over, it's become clear that the marriage is not going to work. we want totally different things in life and after several years together already, the attraction has waned. there were some issues even before we got married, but we ignored them and probably just hoped they'd go away. i don't think these differences are reconcilable. either we will split, or one of us will just have to bury what they want and be miserable (like what my parents did until their bitter divorce)

i guess it was fear of being without her that made me go through with the wedding, but it's becoming really clear that we've both married the wrong person

but i know if i ask for a divorce so soon, it will humiliate my wife - especially among her family. i still love her very much as a friend, and want this to be as painless for her as possible. she is a beautiful person and will one day be a great wife for a more compatable guy

i feel the best way is for her to feel like it's her decision. is there anything i can do to gently nudge her in that direction? i know this seems like a manipulative thing to do, and that's not really who i am, but i'm getting desperate

any advice greatly appreciated!

Sounds like the issue is with you. You married her out of insecurity and now that the newness of the relationship has worn off you feel trapped. Maybe you should go to IC before you make any more moves. You might find your cure before you do something you regret.