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I am a very depressed lonely woman.

I have been with my husband for around 30 years and recently I found out that he is embroiled in an affair with a China woman. I love him so much and he still does this to me.

When I confronted him, he tells me the love is gone between us and communication has broken down between us, since long ago. We usually quarrel in the past but has since mellowed down. We have two lovely kids, and I was always the one being there with them, looking after them and enrolling them for classes.

His affair with the woman seems to be 6 years on off already, and she is YOUNGER than him. I really cannot stand the fact that he gave up on the marriage. NOw he is saying that it is because I was bad tempered that I pushed him away, such that he only could find solace in another woman. I was flabbergasted when I heard that.

I have traveled and migrated with him down to Singapore. I supported him when he was nothing, looked after the home and kids (at the same time while I worked) while he built his career. Now that he got the career and the money, he start looking elsewhere. I am so frustrated and angry. So desolated and sometimes feel that there is no meaning to life anymore. Threatened to jump down a few times but my daughter stopped me. I try to be strong but I really feel so lost and hopeless. My whole life was revolving around this family and now its all gone. I am so old already what does he want me to do if he leaves? How can I continue living with that shame?

But soon after the confrontation, he tells me that he will be leaving that woman and coming back to the family (because he found that he still has love). VERY not believable. He also said the woman will be returning to China.

ALthough I still don't want to give up on the marriage, I cannot bear the thought of him sleeping with another woman. He called her lao po (wife) and said all the mushy stuff that he has NEVER said to me for so long already. When I saw the SmSes, my heart broke into two that time.

Now he seems to be treating me better..but I feel that he came back due to his family pressure and also because I am so weak and suicidal. I don't know what to do. I sometimes get so depressed and dazed thinking about his infidelity. I get suspicious easily and keep thinking whether he is actually messaging sweet nothings to the woman on the sly.

He said our way forward would be to forget the past and don't talk about all those things. HOW is that possible? It is driving me crazy and sometimes I have to drink till I get drunk in order to get sleep even. I feel like a burden to my daughter but I cannot help it. I feel like I'm breaking down...

Should I find a marriage counsellor? Should I forgive him? DO help me out.
 

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One day at a time, one step at a time. That is all you can do. Vent out your frustrations, talk it all out and discover your feelings towards everything that has happened, and then reexamine your life at the time. This won't be clear to you without your H's help. What kind of person does he consider you to be? What kind of person do you consider yourself to be? This can be two very different people. Talk it all out with him, be in a safe area where you can both be horribly honest and move on from there to whichever step you both think is best for your family. That is the best advice I have for you honey, but I hope good days start coming your way soon. Hugs and keep your chin up.

PS -- This isn't embarrassing for you. It is for him. Hold your head high knowing that if nothing else, you were faithful.
 

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The pain of the physical is just a small part. The pain of the emotional the "stuff that he wouldn't say to you" but did say to her. That is unbearable I know. I've been exactly there. 30 years is an incredibly long time. Its more pain than if he suddenly died - I truly believe that as awful as its sounds. And only people in your/our shoes can understand that.

Please, I say this to so many - and myself - everyday... Please don't put the pressure on yourself to make any decisions right now about anything. You are morning the loss of the husband you thought you had. That man is gone. But YOU are here. Your children are here. And you have no idea yet, but you may soon have a "second" husband - the same person you're married to now - but a person you know very differently. There is a chance you can have a relationship with THAT man. But please, don't put the pressure on yourself to decide anything.

Go through the pain. It is natural and your body and soul need to go through it. Answers will come in time. You are loved by many. You are now one of us. There are many who have felt the pain you feel. You are not alone.
 

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Should I find a marriage counsellor?
I would recommend finding a counselor for yourself to start with. If you are depressed and having suicidal thoughts, a counselor can help you work through what you are feeling and I'm sure it will also help your daughter feel better if she knows you are getting proper care.
 

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You both living together still, so you are in a good position to get back your marriage. If you were seperated with him living with her, it would be you wishing he would come back to your house to live.

While you are in the same house you can keep talking gently to each other, and please don't shout at him or he will clam up and keep some of his secrets from you that otherwise he might tell you.

Suicide is a silly thing to do as it would hurt your daughter very painfully from having to go to your funeral, and feeling bad that she had not been able to stop you doing the silly thing. She would be stressed out for the rest of her life.

There is no shame for you to bear, if your husband committed adultery and never spoke to you about any concerns he had with your marriage.

If you want your marriage to become good again, you must forgive your husband unconditionally.

Dr Hashimoto, a Japanese Scientist, said that we poison our body water by holding onto anger. He proved this by writing messages such as "I hate you" or "I love you" on pieces of paper he placed in bottles of water. A few hours later, he got out his microscope and photographed chrystals in the water. The hate messages created a different chrystal to the love messages.

If you won't forgive your husband you poison your body water and this can shorten your life and keep giving you health problems. But when you forgive your husband, your health improves and the stress disappears - and you and your husband can regain your love.

God said that all sins are forgiven if you are ready to receive the blessing of forgiveness so you can enter Heaven.

If you keep feeling anger to the woman who lead your husband astray, you will find it impossible to trust your husband again. You have to forgive her - and also forgive yourself for hanging onto the anger which is causing your unhappiness and stress overload.

Husbands can't handle a wife who argues all the time and berates them with things they are doing wrong. Your husband tried to tell you the truth that you drove him into the arms of this other woman who comforted him. You don't believe him, you have not learned that he does not want to see more arguements.

It was bad of your husband for cheating on you, but if you don't work hard to fix your marriage very soon, using all your love and willingness to understand him, another "hot woman" could notice him and take him off you.

You owe it to your daughter to give your husband a fresh chance to be a good husband again. It is a very lonely time being divorced.
 

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Husbands can't handle a wife who argues all the time and berates them with things they are doing wrong. Your husband tried to tell you the truth that you drove him into the arms of this other woman who comforted him. You don't believe him, you have not learned that he does not want to see more arguements.
That is some odd advice.

I don't agree with her husbands assessment that she drove him to the other woman's arms. That is just a cop out excuse cheaters use to explain away their giving in to weakness.

And what is this nonsense about "husbands can't handle a wife who argues all the time and berates them with things they are doing wrong"??? I do not think anyone, man or woman, husband or wife, likes to be on the receiving end of that. It is not exclusive to husbands.

That is my 2 cents on that bit of paragraph.

I feel bad for jwoman and understand what she is going through, even if just a bit.

Getting over the anger and learning to trust again is the hard part.
 

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Dont be my Grandma. She is 81 now and still resents my Grandpa's infidelity with a woman in Taiwan about 40 years ago. She had to fly from Singapore to Taiwan to get him home again (my gpa was captain of an oil rig from the USA). There were young women targeting men and offering them everything in hopes of getting a ticket to wealth. She still harbors hatred and regret but does love him very much. its sad he confided in me that she was always too reserved and not loving or affectionate with him. He said temptations when he traveled made it worse to cope with and he made a mistake. He never hurt her again and changed his behavior but her bitterness remained.
The reason I sare this with you is simple... men CAN change and learn from their mistake but sometimes the woman cant. If you have always been a forgiving person then its possible you could forgive him and trust his changes in time. Its vital you evaluate his own reactions to te ordeal.. does he look as hurt as you? did he scare himself? sometimes hitting rock bottom by going over the fence makes you realize what you had all along and gives you the drive to make it even better... therefore this event will either bring u both closer or it will cause a wound that keeps you apart with or without divorce.
I survived infidelity both as the villain and the victim. I can tell you I would never do it again and I can tell you its possible for someone to make an honest mistake when they are lacking a need. Some cheat because they are selfish... but some cheat out of desparity and resentment. Getting to the core of why it happened might help you determine if it will be possible to cope with. Seek answers! and question your ability to forgive & trust.
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