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How can I be a nicer person?

1064 Views 6 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  deejov
I posted about my husband's account on Adultwork (an escort site), and had the general advice to leave him.

I haven't left him - he showed me his account, and he hadn't actually contacted anyone (he joined as he saw a prostitute on a talent show, was interested in her, and did what any "red-blooded man would" and joined to view her private photos).

Since then, my adult son attempted suicide, and was taken into hospital for a short time, I've been very ill with flu - which needed an A&E visit for asthma. Added to that it should be our second child's first birthday next week (she died), and I am not in the best place to be making such decisions.

I can't help think how horrible I am though. I am sure I am evil, I am irrationally jealous, moody etc.

My husband bought me an expensive phone for this coming christmas, but decided to give it to me now. Now, whilst I appreciate this, I prefer surprises at christmas (see I'm horrid), and also worry about money. Added to this the fact I've been ill, I've just not mustered the excitement for it. I feel too sick to use it at the moment (I'm clumsier than usual, and sneezing everywhere).

My (adult) stepson rang last night. He's broken his computer, by taking it apart, then damaging it putting it together. So my husband has told him that he can 'borrow' one of ours. We currently each have a laptop (hubby's is finger-print protected), and as money is tight, we are selling them, and just using a PC that has been refurbished. So hubby wants to send his son one of our laptops for the time being, so he can use one... fine right?

Well - no! I'm not too happy about this. The idea was to sell them, so we had some money for christmas. Also, his son broke his. He lives with his mum, who has a computer, so why can't he use hers? The answer - he's not too careful, so she won't let him.

So I'm a wicked stepmum. I want to say though - my son's 21st birthday is monday. My husband won't let me spend too much on him (I'm kind of reliant on money, as I stay at home with our toddler, and almost all of my savings have gone).

I wanted to lend my son a really old phone when he lost his - hubby wouldn't let me, saying he is an adult - he should take responsibility. Yet a phone is arguably more important than a computer. The phone was cheap - laptops most certainly aren't.

Reading this I sound like a selfish, whining b**ch. I feel I have no say in anything though. Hubby can make all the decisions, I have no say, and if I do he goes mad. He also told me that his son is NOT my family, and is nothing to do with us.

I feel so empty. I feel ill - too ill to arrange anything for my son. Hubby didn't believe I was ill till the hospital told him so. I've then got to deal with our daugther's birthday and anniversary of death. I'm worried sick about money, yet DH is more concerned with his son being able to play PC games at our expense.

I'm still unhappy that he joined a site for prostitutes, even if it was just to look at some teenage girl he was interested in. I feel not good enough... I know I'm not good enough.

Do you think counselling will help me be a nicer person?
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Does your stepson need a computer for college? If not, then I wouldn't give him one of yours. If a computer is necessary then I think you should help him out. I don't think you sound selfish or whining, but I think you're showing signs of self loathing which is worrying. Sounds to me like you may be suffering from depression.

Your other concerns do sound perfectly logical. Christmas is the time for big gifts, makes sense to me. But try and understand that your husband gave you your phone early out of love, not out of trying to spoil Christmas. There doesn't seem to be any ill intention, but you need to communicate to him that, while you appreciate the gift, Christmas is when you would be happiest to receive it and to be mindful of that in future. Or if something similar happens in the future get him to ask you. "I have your Christmas present, it looks like you could use it now. I won't tell you what it is, but it's up to you" Make sure that the decision to 'spoil' a Christmas gift is in your hands and not his.

Your hubby signed up for a site and did give a plausible explanation, showed you the account etc. I can empathize with how that made you feel, but it doesn't seem like it went any further. Men are very visual creatures, maybe he's been looking up sports cars or yachts or other things like that. It by no means proves he doesn't love you or hates his car.

I think counselling will make you a happier person. I'm sure you're nice! But there's a lot on your plate and perhaps with your sickness and money worries, you lack the tools to be able to handle these current challenges. You deserve to feel loved and respected and it's clear you don't feel that way. Counselling will help you, I'm sure of it.

Hang in there!
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Thank you. No, he doesn't need a computer. He's going to be going somewhere after christmas, and he won't be able to use a computer then. He just 'wants' one. This annoys me, as my husband won't let me help out my son, who has just moved into his own flat. The unfairness is so obvious.

The adult site 'sounds' like a reasonable excuse - mind that he blew our family money on it.

One worry I've got - it took him days to show me his account, and there was nothing there. It isn't beyond the realms of possibility that he deleted things first.

I've never been allowed to view the accounts, so have no idea what he's bought, whether he's paid anything.

Of course the new phone has been done on his account, so that all calls I make he is privvy to.
Re:Computer, I agree. If he doesn't need it then he's old enough to figure something out. I can see there's an imbalance with regards to how you treat your kids and this is hurtful.

Spending your money on the prostitute website account and waiting a few days to show you also changes things. I can totally empathize with your concerns here. It doesn't mean he has been to one, but that he is curious and possibly fantasising about it.

Re: your phone... is there any chance you can swap the SIM for a prepaid one on the same network, giving you privacy should you feel the need? You can pop the old one back in if needs be.

It sounds to me that you are suffering a great deal, there is a huge gulf in what he feels he can do without consulting you and what you can do. There doesn't seem to be a balance.

Just know that you are not selfish at all! You're not whining, you're communicating how hurt you are! You are not a b*tch, your husband is treating you unfairly and holding the purse strings and not treating your kids equally. I think you're responding normally in an unhealthy situation.

Is there somebody you could talk to, to get counselling etc? I would advise having a session or two by yourself and maybe hubby will join you?

Get well soon, it sounds like you need a big hug :/
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I honestly think you are a nice person, but you are stressed out. Stress can bring out the worst in a person. Seek counseling for that first. You may also want to seek help with your finances (i.e. learning how to budget as a couple).
A counselor won't teach you how to unroll yourself into the perfect doormat for your husband, if that's what you mean by being 'nice'. If anything, a counselor should help you stand up to your husband's controlling, belittling behaviour.

I don't believe stay at home mothers should be financially starved either, you should have access to the money too in your marriage (50% of it is yours, after all), and decision-making power over how and where things get spent.

Plus the prostitute website seems really fishy to me.
One thing you can get out of counselling is looking into how to set boundaries for how people treat you.

It's easy to get swallowed up by life's stress. So it's important, IMO, to know yourself. What you stand for. What is unacceptable. How you expect to be treated, and most importantly, how you are willing to treat other people.

If you feel you are being used, say so. If you feel you need more support or help, say so. Think logically about it, not emotionally.

Logically, maybe the stepson's mother could buy one of the computers. Or it's on loan for only a week until he gets his own.
Logic. Not emotion.
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