[SunCMars]

When someone is broken, put away the pickax and the barbed words.

OP's husband is clearly broken, do not hate on him.

She needs to step away.
She should put on her soft MySlippers, and ditch the sharp, high heels.

Relationships and marriages fail.
Say your regrets at the grave-site, do not dump gas on his sad body found in that six foot deep hole.

@Helpmesee is also at her ropes end, and is herself, flailing about.
She needs to let the marriage go, without the recriminations.

The marriage made it to the seven year point.
That seven year itch ended up becoming a raging rash.

Fate has other plans for both of them.
May it be more fruitful, and longer lasting.

 

[Helpmesee]

Thanks everyone for your help. Again, I want to iterate—I don’t want him to die. In no way did I say that. I just feel like I haven’t done enough and im punishing myself. I just need to understand I’m not the problem, he is.

Im going to try my best and move on. I will talk to a therapist.

 

[Mr.Married]

But I’m being punished so it must be something wrong with me.

You are the one punishing YOU. You refuse to believe and take action on what he has continued to tell you. You are being punished because both of you are too weak to do what is required. You can’t swim if you will not let go of the boat anchor. He is a dud. He is beyond a dud.

 

[D0nnivain]

I'm glad he's in therapy but you two also need MC. Do not go NC on him. He will see that as a reinforcement of his warped idea that he's worthless. His depression is lying to him so you have to push through & encourage him to come home. The longer he lives away from you the more likely that you can't fix this.

Do something every day to tell him you love him. Alternate between calls, texts, emails, & actually paper letters. But don't disconnect.

 

[Relentless1]

Helpmesee, this sounds painful and challenging. Your husband is ill, which is terrible in itself, but he is pushing you away and that is its own kind of pain. It is clear you love him, but it sounds like you are tying yourself up in knots trying to excuse his hurtful words and figure out how to support him.

I think you need to take a step back and look at this as logically as possible. It isn't clear that he is committed to getting better. Yes, he is going to therapy, but he refuses medication and really it sounds like he is only going to appease you. He has told you directly that he doesn't want to be with you. You have tried to get him help and he persists in separating from you and telling you he doesn't want to be with you. For me, that would be too much to stomach for very long. I would have to detach emotionally and proceed to D within short order if I didn't see some commitment to getting well and actual mental health improvement. My vow to be with someone in sickness and health does not mean I will set myself on fire for them if they are no longer committed to me.

I am not saying you should start divorce proceedings or anything, but I do think you should make a list of what you think is reasonable you might do in your situation and a reasonable timeline if nothing improved. What would you council a friend to do? Everyone has their own line in the sand and timeline. I would think that the worse thing for you is to lack a clear sense of your own boundaries and acceptable timeline. Then, you get stuck in helper limbo. So, consider this: let's say he stops going to therapy. What will you do and when? What if he slept with someone else?

 

[Helpmesee]

Helpmesee, this sounds painful and challenging. Your husband is ill, which is terrible in itself, but he is pushing you away and that is its own kind of pain. It is clear you love him, but it sounds like you are tying yourself up in knots trying to excuse his hurtful words and figure out how to support him.

I think you need to take a step back and look at this as logically as possible. It isn't clear that he is committed to getting better. Yes, he is going to therapy, but he refuses medication and really it sounds like he is only going to appease you. He has told you directly that he doesn't want to be with you. You have tried to get him help and he persists in separating from you and telling you he doesn't want to be with you. For me, that would be too much to stomach for very long. I would have to detach emotionally and proceed to D within short order if I didn't see some commitment to getting well and actual mental health improvement. My vow to be with someone in sickness and health does not mean I will set myself on fire for them if they are no longer committed to me.

I am not saying you should start divorce proceedings or anything, but I do think you should make a list of what you think is reasonable you might do in your situation and a reasonable timeline if nothing improved. What would you council a friend to do? Everyone has their own line in the sand and timeline. I would think that the worse thing for you is to lack a clear sense of your own boundaries and acceptable timeline. Then, you get stuck in helper limbo. So, consider this: let's say he stops going to therapy. What will you do and when? What if he slept with someone else?

It’s not uncommon for him to say something brazen/rude and then apologize because he doesn’t mean it. He once told me in the rudest way possible I needed to lose weight. Then a few days later apologize and told me not to listen to him as he’s said it at a low point. Depending on what was said I’ll get upset and confront him about it or let it slide as I tell myself it’s his depression talking. I think one point I told him if he doesn’t go to therapy I’m walking. He did try, but the said it didn’t work out and he’d come back to looking for another (never happened).

In any case, I’m not applying (or I’m trying my hardest) not to apply it to the divorce. If this is what he truly wants he should make the efforts to get it, pay for it, and send me the paperwork for it. I’ll focus on myself and see where I am in the next few months. If nothing I’ll go ahead and do it myself. I’ve iterated until he places this stuff through we’re still married.

I think a lot of my frustration does come from that Possibility, him sleeping with someone else—but I could do the same. I’m trying my hardest not to think about it. If he stops going to therapy, then that’s concerning but it’s not my problem anymore. It stopped becoming my problem as soon as he told me he wanted a divorce. I’ve done all I can to be there for him and help him, but if he wants to isolate himself and circle the drain—let him.

All of his stuff is still here in our house…it looks like he came clean, did my laundry(?), slept over and left but didn’t take anything with him…
So I will see him at some point…

 

[Relentless1]

It’s not uncommon for him to say something brazen/rude and then apologize because he doesn’t mean it. He once told me in the rudest way possible I needed to lose weight. Then a few days later apologize and told me not to listen to him as he’s said it at a low point. Depending on what was said I’ll get upset and confront him about it or let it slide as I tell myself it’s his depression talking.

Oh heck no. He sounds like a total jerk. Being depressed isn't a get out of jail free card for him to say whatever he wants to you. You deserve so much better. Honestly, I would be hard pressed not to move forward with D, forget about waiting for him to get his act together. I would just want to be done with him so I could move on with my life, but I admit that I am an impatient person by nature. I am so glad to see that you have a plan in place and are focused on you and your well-being. Good luck!

 

[As'laDain]

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. He’s been really depressed since the pandemic and I can see he’s been unhappy with his life. I’ve offered to help in multiple ways as I’m in a better position. Than he is and he either rejects them or says he’ll think about it. But in this I’ve suffered. No sex, no dates, no vacations we stay at home as I support him through this in other ways. Just recently he told me he’s not happy with himself or the marriage. He says he wants to be alone, he can’t see an us in our future, just him alone. He says he’s bored and that I deserve someone better. I’ve advised this is really rash and told him to talk to a therapist please—therapist has agreed he is extremely depressed. In the meantime, he said he’ll be at his parents home to give each other space.

We haven’t talked much since and I really don’t want a divorce. I want to help him through this. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but also feels he should leave to. He says there’s no one else.

I just want to know what I can do to help him come back home? Or what I can do to let him know I’m here for him as his issues are 100% misplaced on our marriage.

he is depressed... gods, that is hard to deal with.

does he have any dreams that you could pursue with him?

depression is a soul killer...

 

[Laurentium]

Yeah, he has a serious and potentially life-threatening illness (major depression). It's up to you if you want to stay with that or not. I'd make it a condition of staying that he engages with treatment.

 

[Helpmesee]

he is depressed... gods, that is hard to deal with.

does he have any dreams that you could pursue with him?

depression is a soul killer...

He actually started hitting himself..he hit himself so hard he gave himself a black eye…it honestly broke my heart every time I saw which might be why I tried so hard…not anymore…

We were in the process of moving to another neighborhood. He expressed he hated where we were—even extending to saying he hated the UK. My career gives me the possibility to move anywhere so I was looking for work somewhere else. I thought with a new environment, he can start over and possibly be better.

When I say I’ve tried everything, I have tried everything to help him…

Other than that, I’ve been very slowly playing the guitar with him…we joked about starting a band together…haha

 

[Helpmesee]

Yeah, he has a serious and potentially life-threatening illness (major depression). It's up to you if you want to stay with that or not. I'd make it a condition of staying that he engages with treatment.

I’ll see if he continues these therapy sessions but try not to hold on hope that it will change his mind and things start clicking. He still needs meds..

 

[FireForEffect]

Marriage vows usually include the phrase "in sickness and in health" and it truly sounds that he is quite sick mentally at this point. It sounds like you've given it your best and at some point you've got to disengage on move on. Your vows didn't include taking abuse for the rest of your life. I think if he is not actively trying to recover, you need to just disconnect, cut him off entirely, and move on with the rest of your life.

 

[As'laDain]

He actually started hitting himself..he hit himself so hard he gave himself a black eye…it honestly broke my heart every time I saw which might be why I tried so hard…not anymore…

We were in the process of moving to another neighborhood. He expressed he hated where we were—even extending to saying he hated the UK. My career gives me the possibility to move anywhere so I was looking for work somewhere else. I thought with a new environment, he can start over and possibly be better.

When I say I’ve tried everything, I have tried everything to help him…

Other than that, I’ve been very slowly playing the guitar with him…we joked about starting a band together…haha

I'm sorry that you are going through this. depression is so hard to fight against...

I don't know what I would do in your shoes. I have fought like hell for my loved ones when they were depressed, but what "works" is different for everyone.

if your husband is hurting you, then I would say keep trying new things until you find something that works.

if your husband is hurting you, then get away. do not accept being in danger.

if you believe that he means well, but is so lost that everything is crushing him, see if he is willing to listen to this... don't suggest it though... just play it when he is around.

Awareness Audiobook by Anthony De Mello (youtube recording) : Anthony De Mello : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Awareness mp3 by Anthony De MelloAwareness pdf by Anthony De MelloAwareness ebook by Anthony De MelloAwareness audiobook download by Anthony De MelloAwareness...

archive.org

regardless, don't stay in danger. if there is any risk that he would hurt you, find a way out. from what you have said so far, I don't think that's a major concern, but... if it is, act on it.

 

[Teacherwifemom]

If you are married I don't think you can just straight out "cancel" your financial support of him. Just as a man can't do that to a woman he is married to.

Also writing on this forum in one of the other posts in this thread that you want him to die is pretty awful, and immature.

She wrote that SHE wants to ** die right now. Not him.

 

[Helpmesee]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. depression is so hard to fight against...

I don't know what I would do in your shoes. I have fought like hell for my loved ones when they were depressed, but what "works" is different for everyone.

if your husband is hurting you, then I would say keep trying new things until you find something that works.

if your husband is hurting you, then get away. do not accept being in danger.

if you believe that he means well, but is so lost that everything is crushing him, see if he is willing to listen to this... don't suggest it though... just play it when he is around.

Awareness Audiobook by Anthony De Mello (youtube recording) : Anthony De Mello : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Awareness mp3 by Anthony De MelloAwareness pdf by Anthony De MelloAwareness ebook by Anthony De MelloAwareness audiobook download by Anthony De MelloAwareness...

archive.org

regardless, don't stay in danger. if there is any risk that he would hurt you, find a way out. from what you have said so far, I don't think that's a major concern, but... if it is, act on it.

He would never hurt me. He’s hurt himself before he’d do that. I’ve never felt I was in danger.

What’s weird is I feel like he will come back. I think the question I need to ask myself is if I want him back.

All of his things are still here and he hasn’t talked to me about moving them at all which makes me believe he doesn’t know what he wants.

I’m still not talking to him and I’m giving him his space and while I’m doing that I need to evaluate if I want to continue this when he returns.

 

[JLCP]

He actually started hitting himself..he hit himself so hard he gave himself a black eye…it honestly broke my heart every time I saw which might be why I tried so hard…not anymore…

We were in the process of moving to another neighborhood. He expressed he hated where we were—even extending to saying he hated the UK. My career gives me the possibility to move anywhere so I was looking for work somewhere else. I thought with a new environment, he can start over and possibly be better.

When I say I’ve tried everything, I have tried everything to help him…

Other than that, I’ve been very slowly playing the guitar with him…we joked about starting a band together…haha

I think he is suffering from depression. My understanding is that it can be a chemical imbalance and require medication to bring him out of it. A good friend of mine snapped out of it with therapy and Wellbutrin medication. Can you encourage him to get better, get an evaluation for medication?

I think staying with his parents while he sorts through this is a good idea. Getting the help he needs is also a good idea. After he gets help, that would be a good time for you to reevaluate your relationship. But I think you should put a time limit on how long you will wait for him to get help.

 

[Lila]

He said he thinks there are better people for both of us

he said “Y’know what? I don’t want to be with you. I don’t know how else you’ll understand if I don’t say that”

“I don’t want to be cooped in the house for the next 20 years”
“I don’t want to be considered just your husband”
“I want to travel”
“I don’t know who I am”
“I want to be alone”

Has your husband been diagnosed with depression by a medical professional or is this your take on the situation? I ask because many of the things he's said to you sound like things said in general when one person wants out of the relationship or is having an affair. It's the whole "grass is greener" language. Depressed people usually have a negative outlook to the future not a hopeful one like your husband is projecting.

He once told me in the rudest way possible I needed to lose weight. Then a few days later apologize and told me not to listen to him as he’s said it at a low point.

This doesn't sound like something a clinically depressed person would say. This sounds like it came from someone who is frustrated with their current situation and wants out.

 

[Helpmesee]

Has your husband been diagnosed with depression by a medical professional or is this your take on the situation? I ask because many of the things he's said to you sound like things in general when one person wants out of the relationship or is having an affair. It's the whole "grass is greener" language. Depressed people usually have a negative outlook on the future not a hopeful one like your husband is projecting.

He was diagnosed when he was younger and he had medication. Not so much now, but the therapist he's seeing does think it's back and he should go back on meds.

This doesn't sound like something a clinically depressed person would say. This sounds like it came from someone frustrated with their current situation and wants out.

We just had a heart-to-heart, calm conversation.

He expressed that he doesn't want to be married anymore and that he thinks he'd just be happier alone. He expressed there's nothing I've done or said as he loves being with me, but just thinks marriage isn't for him. I asked him to clarify what he means when he says someone better for him (I'm now waiting) -- but he wants to let me know that I have done nothing wrong. He says again, he loves me and wants to be with me but doesn't want to be married anymore.

He states he knows that's confusing and he doesn't mean it to be, but it's true. If he wanted to stay married, he'd work to stay in it. Both his being depressed and his wanting a divorce can be true.

I also asked if he was seeing someone else and he told me there was is currently no one else and that's the honest truth. He said he's not thinking about relationships as he's grieving too. Maybe in the future, he'll see other people but he doesn't want to be married ever again.

I think I needed to hear this to move on. I'm still holding out that he'll return, but I'm not going to wait for him and sit there. If this is truly tied to his depression, then I don't want to hold out for months or years for him to feel better. I want to move on with my life and find someone who loves me enough to want to stay with me for good.

 

[Lila]

We just had a heart-to-heart, calm conversation.

He expressed that he doesn't want to be married anymore and that he thinks he'd just be happier alone. He expressed there's nothing I've done or said as he loves being with me, but just thinks marriage isn't for him. I asked him to clarify what he means when he says someone better for him (I'm now waiting) -- but he wants to let me know that I have done nothing wrong. He says again, he loves me and wants to be with me but doesn't want to be married anymore.

He states he knows that's confusing and he doesn't mean it to be, but it's true. If he wanted to stay married, he'd work to stay in it. Both his being depressed and his wanting a divorce can be true.

I also asked if he was seeing someone else and he told me there was is currently no one else and that's the honest truth. He said he's not thinking about relationships as he's grieving too. Maybe in the future, he'll see other people but he doesn't want to be married ever again.

I think I needed to hear this to move on. I'm still holding out that he'll return, but I'm not going to wait for him and sit there. If this is truly tied to his depression, then I don't want to hold out for months or years for him to feel better. I want to move on with my life and find someone who loves me enough to want to stay with me for good.

I'm sure it was very hard to hear him say this. I'm so sorry. I know it hurts but now you have your answer. You can move forward knowing the truth.

I recommend you find yourself a lawyer and start the divorce process. From personal experience, the quicker you divorce, the quicker you can make plans for your future. You may find therapy useful. You also mentioned being able to work from anywhere. Maybe a change in address would be helpful.

 

[Relentless1]

I'm not going to wait for him and sit there

YES! It sounds like you bent over backwards to help him for years, and he still says he wants to move on with his life as a single man for whatever reason. You have to look out for yourself and your happiness now. Does the above quote mean that you won't wait on him to file? I hope so. Life is short and all we have are a few precious years--move forward to divorce with alacrity so that you can seek happiness by yourself of with someone else. You deserve happiness, too.