[Helpmesee]

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. He’s been really depressed since the pandemic and I can see he’s been unhappy with his life. I’ve offered to help in multiple ways as I’m in a better position. Than he is and he either rejects them or says he’ll think about it. But in this I’ve suffered. No sex, no dates, no vacations we stay at home as I support him through this in other ways. Just recently he told me he’s not happy with himself or the marriage. He says he wants to be alone, he can’t see an us in our future, just him alone. He says he’s bored and that I deserve someone better. I’ve advised this is really rash and told him to talk to a therapist please—therapist has agreed he is extremely depressed. In the meantime, he said he’ll be at his parents home to give each other space.

We haven’t talked much since and I really don’t want a divorce. I want to help him through this. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but also feels he should leave to. He says there’s no one else.

I just want to know what I can do to help him come back home? Or what I can do to let him know I’m here for him as his issues are 100% misplaced on our marriage.

 

[TinyTbone]

First you're an amazing lady, sticking with him in his dark hours! What he really needs is to have himself examined and if needed start on meds!!! There all kinds today that do an amazing job. Doctors and meds and therapy. That is what will help him. He's spiraling down the rabbits hole and its dark there. There's no doubt at this point you love your husband. The things he is saying are more of his depressed state than anything right now. It will take time. There's just no magic wand to make him mo betta!
What ever you do, don't have an affair on him please! I know its lonely with out his loving attentions and affections as you used to have. Right now you're in a mental and emotional space where it will be easy for another friend to become sympathetic to the situation. As they let you lean on them, well...one thing can lead to another. I would suggest now, that you get and read the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. Its best up front to understand how a friendship can go awry and wind up ending in a way you didn't expect. Im certainly not accusing you any intent, take no disrespect with what i say here. Just it becomes lonely with this type of issue.
Remember his depression is not going to heal itself. He will need meds after a full phycologist's work up on exactly the state of his mind. Continue to be patient, understanding and loving. He can recover in time and be himself again. Best wishes.

 

[Mr.Married]

Why do you want to stay with someone that is a boat anchor on your life? Do you feel you couldn’t find a better partner? Put your emotions aside for a second and look at the big picture. He really doesn’t have much value as a mate and you would probably be a lot better off finding someone worth your time. People like him just end up being totally exhausting and you spend your life always trying to prop them up and get them going. What a major drag.

 

[gaius]

Some guys really aren't looking for a woman who will support them endlessly no matter how they behave.

My wife, if I was ever that depressed and putting 0 effort into our marriage, she'd probably put up with it briefly and give me a chance to fix it and redeem myself but after that I'd be out. Like expired meat. She holds me to a high standard, it's almost impossible for me to manipulate her and I love her dearly for that.

So I would recommend if you want to save your marriage instead of trying to cling onto your husband, tell him he hasn't been cutting the mustard in a long time anyway, you deserve way better than what he's been giving you and if he doesn't start you're going to be the one filing for divorce in the near future.

 

[Diana7]

Has he sought medical advise?

 

[Dormatte]

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. He’s been really depressed since the pandemic and I can see he’s been unhappy with his life. I’ve offered to help in multiple ways as I’m in a better position. Than he is and he either rejects them or says he’ll think about it. But in this I’ve suffered. No sex, no dates, no vacations we stay at home as I support him through this in other ways. Just recently he told me he’s not happy with himself or the marriage. He says he wants to be alone, he can’t see an us in our future, just him alone. He says he’s bored and that I deserve someone better. I’ve advised this is really rash and told him to talk to a therapist please—therapist has agreed he is extremely depressed. In the meantime, he said he’ll be at his parents home to give each other space.

We haven’t talked much since and I really don’t want a divorce. I want to help him through this. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but also feels he should leave to. He says there’s no one else.

I just want to know what I can do to help him come back home? Or what I can do to let him know I’m here for him as his issues are 100% misplaced on our marriage.

You've done all that you can do. You shouldn't force nor pressure him to be in a marriage that he doesn't want to be in any longer.


He needs to remain at his parents for the time being.

Please stop making this only about your wants and desires.

What's best is a divorce. A contributing factor to his unhappiness and depression may be that he's stayed too long in a relationship that perhaps he never genuinely wanted, or he did, and it currently no longer is best for his life.

He could have been putting up a facade the entire (some, most) of the relationship, and he doesn't want to do pretend anymore.

Whatever his reasons are for wanting to terminate the relationship...

Respect his wishes.


You wouldn't want someone to pressure and coerce you into beginning a relationship, or staying in a relationship that you no longer wanted to remain... would you??


Respect his wishes.

Only contact him or have a lawyer contact him about legalities.

Leave him alone, otherwise.

Get in therapy and make some plans for yourself...such as a job or two (if you haven't any) and a place of your own in case you have to move.


He would only hold you down and cause you to spiral if he stayed. He would contribute in hindering your possible happiness.


You need a partner, not a patient.

 

[Helpmesee]

I’ve talked to him and he said this is what he wants. He said he thinks there are better people for both of us and I need to stop telling him how to think. I told him I don’t understand because he said he wants to be with me. And then he said “Y’know what? I don’t want to be with you. I don’t know how else you’ll understand if I don’t say that”. He said he won’t know if he’s making a mistake or not. He said he loves me and still wants to be friends. I told him no—I’m not giving that to him. I told him I want nothing to do with him if this is what he wants. I told him I’m not starting the process nor am I paying for the divorce. He said he won’t ask me to. I asked what’s so wrong with me that he wants to divorce me he said nothing…he said it’s all I’m and I’ve been really great. I wanted to yell at him. Curse at him. Call him names. But I didn’t because I still love him and I know he’s depressed. Im still paying for his therapy appointments… I’ve blocked him and removed all his photos… I told him I won’t be contacting him anymore after today… I want to ****ing die right now.

 

[She'sStillGotIt]

He says he’s bored and that I deserve someone better.

He's right. You do deserve someone better than the emotionally abusive clown you're currently married to.

Y’know what? I don’t want to be with you. I don’t know how else you’ll understand if I don’t say that”.

When someone tells you something you don't want to hear, believe them.

Im still paying for his therapy appointments… I’ve blocked him and removed all his photos… I told him I won’t be contacting him anymore after today… I want to ****ing die right now.

You sound so codependent on this guy. He treats you like **** and you beg him to love you. Find your damned dignity OP. Let him get off his ass and get a JOB and pay for his OWN therapy. You need some yourself to get over this severe codependency you have to this guy. He's not worthy of carrying your shoes and you're acting like he's some kind of demi-god. Take off the rose-colored glasses, OP. Seriously.

 

[Diana7]

I’ve talked to him and he said this is what he wants. He said he thinks there are better people for both of us and I need to stop telling him how to think. I told him I don’t understand because he said he wants to be with me. And then he said “Y’know what? I don’t want to be with you. I don’t know how else you’ll understand if I don’t say that”. He said he won’t know if he’s making a mistake or not. He said he loves me and still wants to be friends. I told him no—I’m not giving that to him. I told him I want nothing to do with him if this is what he wants. I told him I’m not starting the process nor am I paying for the divorce. He said he won’t ask me to. I asked what’s so wrong with me that he wants to divorce me he said nothing…he said it’s all I’m and I’ve been really great. I wanted to yell at him. Curse at him. Call him names. But I didn’t because I still love him and I know he’s depressed. Im still paying for his therapy appointments… I’ve blocked him and removed all his photos… I told him I won’t be contacting him anymore after today… I want to ****ing die right now.

Has he sought medical advise? Is he on anti depressants?

 

[Helpmesee]

He's right. You do deserve someone better than the emotionally abusive clown you're currently married to.


When someone tells you something you don't want to hear, believe them.


You sound so codependent on this guy. He treats you like **** and you beg him to love you. Find your damned dignity OP. Let him get off his ass and get a JOB and pay for his OWN therapy. You need some yourself to get over this severe codependency you have to this guy. He's not worthy of carrying your shoes and you're acting like he's some kind of demi-god. Take off the rose-colored glasses, OP. Seriously.

Has he been emotionally abusive? Am I codependent? I’ve continued to go out and be with friends and stuff even when he stays inside.
He tells me he’s been bored and sad and I know it’s not to do with me, it’s himself.

He said he doesn’t want to be cooped up in the house only being there JUST to be my husband. I’ve expressed he’s placed himself in that position and I had nothing to do with it.

I’ve been fighting because he’s making the sturdiest decision ever. But I’ve reached a mental brick wall to where I just don’t care anymore.
it literally took every ounce of me not to call him the biggest,selfish piece of **** but because I still love him and he’s going through it I stopped and knew it wouldn’t help much…

I will look-into cancelling my financial support for him. He has a job but not the means to support himself as I’ve been supporting him with literally everything.

 

[Helpmesee]

Has he sought medical advise? Is he on anti depressants?

He just started talking to a therapist last week at my request. I’ve offered to pay but this before he told me he wanted to leave.

He said in regarfs “he owes me that much”. As for meds, no. He refuses as the last meds he was on gave him night terrors and he faced discrimination in getting jobs cause of it.

 

[Mr.Married]

Find a real man….
This one is a loser

 

[Diana7]

He just started talking to a therapist last week at my request. I’ve offered to pay but this before he told me he wanted to leave.

He said in regarfs “he owes me that much”. As for meds, no. He refuses as the last meds he was on gave him night terrors and he faced discrimination in getting jobs cause of it.

There are countless medications he could try. The fact that he refuses tells me he isn't that bad. If he was he would try anything.

 

[Keepin-my-head-up]

Truth is, if you want to stay, then all you have to do is stay.
It is all your choice and all the consequences will be dealt to you.

What is a little sketchy, is that he tells you that you BOTH deserve to find someone better. Not; “YOU” deserve someone better but he as well.

As tough as it is to hear,
It sounds like it’s being married that is making him depressed.

Wrong or right, it kinda sounds like he just wants out and can’t pull the trigger to do so.
The depression is that he feels he is going to be stuck in this marriage that he doesn’t want for the rest of his life.

just My opinion based on my experiences

 

[Livvie]

Has he been emotionally abusive? Am I codependent? I’ve continued to go out and be with friends and stuff even when he stays inside.
He tells me he’s been bored and sad and I know it’s not to do with me, it’s himself.

He said he doesn’t want to be cooped up in the house only being there JUST to be my husband. I’ve expressed he’s placed himself in that position and I had nothing to do with it.

I’ve been fighting because he’s making the sturdiest decision ever. But I’ve reached a mental brick wall to where I just don’t care anymore.
it literally took every ounce of me not to call him the biggest,selfish piece of **** but because I still love him and he’s going through it I stopped and knew it wouldn’t help much…

I will look-into cancelling my financial support for him. He has a job but not the means to support himself as I’ve been supporting him with literally everything.

If you are married I don't think you can just straight out "cancel" your financial support of him. Just as a man can't do that to a woman he is married to.

Also writing on this forum in one of the other posts in this thread that you want him to die is pretty awful, and immature.

 

[Openminded]

There’s nothing more you can do. Cut the financial cord and move on.

 

[Helpmesee]

Truth is, if you want to stay, then all you have to do is stay.
It is all your choice and all the consequences will be dealt to you.

What is a little sketchy, is that he tells you that you BOTH deserve to find someone better. Not; “YOU” deserve someone better but he as well.

As tough as it is to hear,
It sounds like it’s being married that is making him depressed.

Wrong or right, it kinda sounds like he just wants out and can’t pull the trigger to do so.
The depression is that he feels he is going to be stuck in this marriage that he doesn’t want for the rest of his life.

just My opinion based on my experiences

I’ve asked him what about the marriage isn’t making him happy. All the issues he’s listed had nothing to do with the marriage. All of them are stemmed from his depression and his unhappiness with himself.

“I don’t want to be cooped in the house for the next 20 years”
“I don’t want to be considered just your husband”
“I want to travel”
“I don’t know who I am”
“I want to be alone”

I’ve asked what I’ve done wrong and he told me I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve said this to him over and over again and that he’s misplacing his unhappiness on us.

I’ve asked what I’ve done wrong and he told me I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve said this to him over and over again and that he’s misplacing his unhappiness on us.

What have I don’t wrong? He says “nothing”. But I’m being punished so it must be something wrong with me.

 

[Helpmesee]

If you are married I don't think you can just straight out "cancel" your financial support of him. Just as a man can't do that to a woman he is married to.

Also writing on this forum in one of the other posts in this thread that you want him to die is pretty awful, and immature.

I don’t want him to die, sorry there’s seems to be some miscommunication.
I want to die—-I feel like dying.

 

[Jimi007]

Go see your Dr. Meds can help with those thoughts...I want to die...a PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM..

I'm a surrogate father to my nieces and nephews....My BIL took his own life
The collateral damage is horrific

 

[Keepin-my-head-up]

I’ve asked him what about the marriage isn’t making him happy. All the issues he’s listed had nothing to do with the marriage. All of them are stemmed from his depression and his unhappiness with himself.

“I don’t want to be cooped in the house for the next 20 years”
“I don’t want to be considered just your husband”
“I want to travel”
“I don’t know who I am”
“I want to be alone”

I’ve asked what I’ve done wrong and he told me I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve said this to him over and over again and that he’s misplacing his unhappiness on us.

I’ve asked what I’ve done wrong and he told me I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve said this to him over and over again and that he’s misplacing his unhappiness on us.

What have I don’t wrong? He says “nothing”. But I’m being punished so it must be something wrong with me.

No, it isn’t that you’ve done anything wrong.
It sounds like he knows you have more than done your part in the marriage.

I just think the depression is him not wanting to be married and yes, the reasons are all him, just as he is telling you.

he says stuck for the next 20 years?
So being married to you would be considered stuck in his eyes I suppose.

he wants to travel and if you are willing, that means he wants to travel without you.

sucks to hear but sometimes people just no longer want to be married.

I understand that you want him to be happy so try this.
Ask him if you filed for divorce and left him, would that be the start he needs to find his happiness?