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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My recent story here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/63968-i-want-him-happy.html

My H dropped D on me late Oct. I did everything in the first weeks I shouldn’t have. Flooded him with my emotions, tears, bringing up positive thoughts on our relationship when he was clearly telling me his honest feelings at the moment was “I don’t know” He started sleeping in the guest bedroom around the same time. I’m the kind of person who always wants to fix problems right away; I didn’t realize he was crawling deeper and deeper in his cave. After realization, I completely detached. Didn’t question his emotions/feelings and just gave him time and space while working on myself to be a better person.

Now after 2 months of detaching, deep-thinking and soul searching, I can honestly say I understand what he was truly talking about when he said in July frequency of sex was not the only problem. I thought if I just initiated more often on a regular basis we would be fine. Boy I was wrong. When I initiated every Friday like it was scheduled, he felt even sadder. Even though I was trying to make up for my mistakes the hurt that I caused him, in his eyes it looked like I was ONLY doing that out of guilt.

Since last time we talked about his wanting D in early Nov, we have not talked about it at all and it doesn’t look like he’s leaving anytime soon. We are like polite roommates because for the past 2 months while detaching, we haven’t had any kind of physical contact. I even blush when my bare arm brushes against his. While it’s sad, I realized I terribly miss him physically, which surprises me. I always knew he was more physical than I was and I was the kind of girl who would always think/say “Sex isn’t everything, caring feeling is more important” As much as it hurts to realize now, maybe this detach was what I needed to completely understand his needs and regained my romantic feelings for him.

So here is my question.
My H still seems emotionally disconnected from me. My detaching did some good since I was heavily emotionally dependent on him but I need to start showing him that I really do care and love him. I know my sexual desire for him now is truly genuine. But how can I approach him and let him know that I genuinely sexually desire him? The last thing I want is to flood him with all my emotions.

I withheld my emotions completely the last 2 months I don’t even think he knows where my mind stands.
He’s a VERY VERY shy person and he admits he has a serious issue asking people anything. We broke up one time (before marriage) and off for 4 months until I initiated reunion. When I told him I was coming in town (not to see him but for other purpose) he just said ok. I took my guts and asked him if he wanted to see me he was delighted. It was almost like he needed to make sure where I stood before he can say “yes I want to see you” Once we reunited it was just a matter of time until he proposed to me. However…to be honest it always bothered me even after we got married. I would always think “What if I hadn’t initiated the reunion? Would we never have happened?”

I’m feeling I’m in the same state now. If we do have a chance at reconciling, would it happen if I don’t make a move first? Probably not. So I know I MUST make a move but I don’t know how to approach him. I don’t want to just jump on him like nothing is going on. But I’m afraid approaching him with my love and emotions will put him back in the corner again.

I leave extra blankets in the guest bedroom he sleeps because I don't want him to get cold but I recently started thinking are all the little things I'm doing making him think I still want him to sleep in the guest bedroom?

Any input would greatly be appreciated.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Let me add:

Should I be straight up and say "Please come back to bedroom with me if you are ok with it?" or Should I ask him where his mind is first before asking (If he's still thinking about D or not) or just let him know my current feelings that I miss him and want him to consider coming back to bedroom and leave it up to him..

ugh I miss him so very badly
 

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I'd encourage you to find a way to gently let him know you're receptive without pushing him.

Maybe a simple, offhand remark like, "I'm sorry I didn't understand so much before. I get it now, and I hope you'll one day give me a chance to make up for my mistakes and demonstrate what I've learned" without expecting an immediate response would let him feel that connection again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you for a great input. Yes When I'm emotional I tend to pour all out and I know it did nothing but harm before so I'd really have to be careful about that. Even if I know in my head I shouldn't push him. My "I want a solution now" nature often surfaced.

I'm also a shy person when it comes to "being loving and affectionate" I just hope I can look at him in his eyes and be truly be loving when I say it... (I often look away when I don't know what to do and I know I have to remedy that)
 

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I would agree with Kathy.. Gently tell him that you finally understand.. I am much in the same situation as he right now.. Minus the guest bedroom.. So I can relate to how prgrammed sex only feels like it is out oa sense of duty or quilt.. There are some men out there that are alot like women when it comes to sex.. We need to know that you want us and desire us just as much as we want and desire you..
 

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I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't be that gentle. Maybe something like "I know I didn't understand what you needed and wanted. I do now. If you don't feel it's to late to fix this, please come back into the bedroom and let's work on this. If you feel it can't be fixed, then as much as I don't like it, let's get on with a divorce so we can move on with our lives."

And marriage counseling would certainly help if you plan on working on it.
 

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I'm also a shy person when it comes to "being loving and affectionate" I just hope I can look at him in his eyes and be truly be loving when I say it... (I often look away when I don't know what to do and I know I have to remedy that)
You might try writing things down as you did when you posted above, and then figuring out how to reduce what you want to say to a few words taken from what you've written.

Your post was beautifully written, and it came across as genuine and heartfelt, so while you might be shy you're certainly capable of formulating your thoughts well!

Upon re-reading it, one sentence stuck out as being a short and sweet way to communicate it to him: "I blush when our arms brush against each other." I can only imagine how profound that would strike a man who is uncomfortable with emotion, but by not adding fifty other sentences to it for him to "hear" it is manageable for him. His brain can process one sentence instead of getting tangled up over the nuances he worries about.

If you can write things down like this and then go back and look for one "action" sentence that he'd be able to understand, you don't need a verbal response from him. You'll see it in his behaviors.

Another technique you might find helpful is to force yourself to wait three days before talking about things that are important to you. By then, you'll have exhausted the subject in your own mind and have the issues boiled down to the core issue.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
@Hope4thebest, finding posts by somebody who's in a similiar situation as my H has been my mission for the last few months. I really started understaing his needs once I put myself in his shoes.
I don't know if you are still struggling with your wife but I can say from my experience I would not be where I am now without this happened to me. I still hope it never happened only because it hurts so badly but would I have completely understood what he was trying to say if he hadn't dropped D on me? Probably not. I'm not suggesting you drop a ball by any means but I really hope your wife will see and understand that guys have same emotional needs as we do..

@Chris, I really appreciate your input however I know that take it or leave it approach won't work with mine. I really think he's so fragile and sometimes yes I do feel like he should man up but considering all the hurt he went through as a quiet child, and the hurt he went through in our marriage, I know I should man up for now.

@Kathy, Thank you so much. I know I can formulate my thoughts well only because I really truly tried to understand his side. I really put my needs aside when this happened and that's when everything started becoming clear to me. “Another technique you might find helpful is to force yourself to wait three days before talking about things that are important to you. By then, you'll have exhausted the subject in your own mind and have the issues boiled down to the core issue.” Great suggestion. I’m definitely planning on sorting out my thoughts and feelings.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thursdays have always been my H’s guys night out day of the week with his friends. Ironically I sort of enjoy Thus now more than ever because I can just go straight home, heat up TV dinner (I cook every other night of the week for us so it’s nice to not cook for anyone!), turn on the heater and just get cozy with my books, ipad and cats. Last night as I was just getting ready to hit TAM my mom called from my mother country.
I know she’s been texting me a lot lately to encourage me to make a move so I knew this phone call will be about that again.

If anyone out of all the people I’ve shared my stories with was pushing me to be patient since D, it would be her. I was telling her again how know I have to make a move but I’m still scared, and she sounded confused and even furious. She asked me why I’m scared and I said because I might get rejected. She then started breaking down and yelled at me “Because you don’t believe him! He’s still there! If you don’t believe him and you (us), how can you move forward!!!” Don’t be obsessed with what to say or what you’ve learned. Tell him that you want to create a loving family with him because that’s what you say you want! Nothing else matters!”

I always play cool on the phone with her but this time I broke down too. She is so right.

Mothers are wise for a reason.
 

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@Chris, I really appreciate your input however I know that take it or leave it approach won't work with mine. I really think he's so fragile and sometimes yes I do feel like he should man up but considering all the hurt he went through as a quiet child, and the hurt he went through in our marriage, I know I should man up for now.
If he's that fragile, grab him by the hand, tell him YOU will work on the marriage and drag him back into the bedroom. If he refuses then sleep on the couch with him.

Look... if HE isn't going to fix this, and you want it fixed, you're going to have to do it yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
That's so funny Chris... that's exactly what my mom told me last night too. Are you my mom? :D

Thank you so much for this! I'm getting encouraged!
 

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I agree with Chris, I of course don’t know your H but what you were doing didn’t work right? I think both of you needed to work on communication before it got to this point so I think communication and not just sex is the answer. Not emotional, breaking down talking, but factual, what you've learned, what you hope, what you desire. If he still wants or thinks any of those things are possible with you, than you also want it with him. Then, what do you both need to do to regain the passion and love. Not say D and go into the other bedroom to withdraw into a man cave. There is nothing for you to be afraid of although I understand it. You’re afraid of losing more of him, but think of what you can gain.
 

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I'm in your situation right now. I, howevr, am the one that chose to sleep in another room. I made that choice because the tension between us layed between us all night and I had to find peace some where

Let me suggest a few books that I found helpful: The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine.....that might help you realize your tears were probably driving him nuts and he might need to hear what all your emotions are. Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Willard Harley....excellent not just for you but for your husband too. This what is happening now is probabaly not totally one-sided and maybe this book will help you each see where failure came about. My husband is reading right now and it has been a real eye opener for him. Also, Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, excellent book about why we choose our mate, why it is so good in the beginning and those feelings fade to thoughts of divorce. It tells how to stop the negative thought processes and leave no exits for either of you and how to work on the marriage to bring it back to life.

I think most women do not understand men and feel that what we need is what they need and that is not true, end vise versa. We do what we know will please us but it is not always what is going to help our spouse. I think too once divorce is mentioned there because a negative mind-set and a spiral of hurt and arguements that lead to the end probabaly faster than the events that caused the feelings to sperate in the first place.

No marraige is perfect, no person is perfect and I feel most things can be forgiven if you ahve two people working together for the better of the marriage but you might not be able to do all this on your own. I would suggest a good counselor for you to meet and work with as a couple.

My husband and I started seeing a counselor together. After his assessment which found that my husband is emotionally unavailable, and not just to me, to everyone else in his life too. He has us working on exercises right now and we are both doing alot of reading. The exercises have been ackward but that's because we have drifted so far apart. I am the one most resistant as I am the one who was really hurt and when I basically (in my head) DREW THIS HUGE BOUNDARY LINE I excluded my husband and emotionally went my own way so any tries he did make, made no difference because I no longer saw what he was trying as positive. I wonder if this is perhaps what might be happening in your own marriage.

People sometimes don't like to look at this but we all have to think long and hard about the future, truely dysect it....sure we would love to be out from under the hardship and the hurt but what does the future hold for us. If there are children involved I can guarentee you there will be hurt continue for years. My first husband and I divorced and my children are still feeling the effects of us leaving even to this day, not just becasue of the divorce but because where each of our lives lead us afterwards and the kids having to drug thru own seperate lives. And do I still ahve to see and put up with my ex's garbage? yes, unfortuantely and every time he messes up I hear it from my children. It does not stop. In my personal opinion it is better to try and fix what is wrong in your current marriage rather than seeking freedom only to do it all over again and have all the confusion that comes with divorce.
 
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