[Foolishhearts18]

Ok. I am new here and this will be long but I really need some advice. My husband and I have been married for 3 years (married 2015). We had a stupid argument over scrambled eggs that snowballed into him wanting a physical seperation. The argument started because he made scrambled eggs for himself one morning and I guess decided he liked the way he made his eggs better so since we had to eat breakfast for dinner (both were unemployed and money was low) he told me the way I made the eggs were not right and the way he made them is the correct way. So I got mad and told him well make your own eggs, then that turned into him saying I can't cook breakfast and that if I look it up on Google it will show me that the way he cooks eggs is the correct way. After that I said fine then just cook your own breakfast and we hung up. He came home and got mad cause I made myself food and not him when I told him since I can't cook breakfast then he cook it for himself. I was mad because I been cooking scrambled eggs and he never said he was dissatisfied even when I asked if everything was good.

Well after that he came into the room to confront me about not making him the food and the argument got heated. He said I don't do what he asks and that he's tired of being the bad guy. He said I was spoiled and I told him to stop spoiling me if that's an issue but he said that's how he shows his love and me telling him to stop is like me refusing his love. I tried to apologize and stop arguing cause the whole thing was so stupid but he just didn't want to hear it.

Ever since that situation when I try to talk to him he was extremely distant. When we did talk he told me maybe we should seperate which broke my heart. He said he thinks i need to be alone and work on myself and by me getting my own place and living life on my own will help me be a better woman and be the woman he knows i can be. I was not working and we live with his parents at the moment. My parents live in the next state so I can't just go live with them because they have a full house with my other siblings and their children living with my parents. I don't feel comfortable with being here in his parents house while seperate. I didn't know what to do. I don't want our marraige to fall apart and I don't feel like we need to seperate.

I went to a family reunion and during that alone time i realized that im not happy with myself and I'm not the woman ive always wanted to be. It was very upsetting for me to realize that but I think that's what I needed. When I got back home we had a better conversation and I was hoping he would not want a seperation still but he was still adamant about it. He also said we need to have a therapist that can talk to us together and separately, which I agree with.

Since that conversation I have been an emotional rollercoaster. I'm so mad at him for wanting this and I'm scared to be on my own since I never have been. I talked to my dad and he feels like it shouldn't have gotten to this point and that I should still try to be a wife to him and maybe he will come around and realize he went too far. That hasn't happened. I still clean and cook for him and try to uphold my duties as a wife minus sex. I have been trying to process this seperation thing and came to terms with it somewhat and started working on myself. I've been trying to better my relationship with God and pray through my issues. It has been working so far and I've been feeling better. I ended up getting a good job that will allow me to be on my own and be ok.

During all of this I've been casually talking with my husband and telling him my revelations and trying to implement changes in my life. I want him to see I'm trying to change and that I want us to still work. He has opened up to me a little more.

Well I think we just blurred the lines cause we had sex last night. Before we had sex I tried to get him to stop and talk this over so we don't feel some type of way after but he had a one track mind and I wanted him very badly. We enjoy having sex with eachother and it was a month since we last had sex. This time around it was more passionate than before but afterwards he was distant. It felt so stupid cause I let my desire for him get the best of me and I should've been stronger. We had an argument after the sex cause I wanted him to explain to me what we are doing. He expressed he wants to have sex occasionally but not frequently but he still wants us to be seperate and do things on our own. But I don't understand that and he couldn't explain it. So I ended up getting mad and told him when I get myself together we will see how seperate you want to be from me then. That made him mad and he said well you could be the baddest thing out there but if you don't fix your attitude then I'm done. Then he said that he doesn't think I'm trying to work on myself cause I would have tried harder to keep my anger at bay.

I'm so confused cause I really have been trying but I'm so mad. I'm a woman and I have emotions and just because I slipped up doesn't mean I'm not trying. I have already throughout this whole marraige changed so many things for him. I'm so mad cause I feel like I set myself up to be used for sex and that's not what I want. I just want my marraige back and my husband to love me. But it seems like he's fed up with me and how I handle things. How do continue on? Am I messing everything up? I don't have any friends and I only have my dad because he's the only one out of my immediate family that understands me. How do I move on from this? I'm sorry this is so long but if anyone can help me I would be so grateful.

 

[Evinrude58]

Anytime one spouse suddenly wants a separation I suspect there's more than 2 people in the relationship. Especially when there's some silly crap that comes up that supposedly leads to the separation. I think he just used the silly argument as an excuse to get you gone. You were USED for sex the other night.

My advice is to check the phone bill. Get a job. Get a job paying a liveable wage, if possible. Move out. Don't discuss things with him anymore. It's not working. He needs to see some action on your part. He needs to feel the loss of you.

Almost all separations lead to divorce. Just so you know. He doesn't want you to become a better person. He wants to learn to live without you. He possibly wants alone time with an affair partner.

 

[Foolishhearts18]

Anytime one spouse suddenly wants a separation I suspect there's more than 2 people in the relationship. Especially when there's some silly crap that comes up that supposedly leads to the separation. I think he just used the silly argument as an excuse to get you gone. You were USED for sex the other night.

My advice is to check the phone bill. Get a job. Get a job paying a liveable wage, if possible. Move out. Don't discuss things with him anymore. It's not working. He needs to see some action on your part. He needs to feel the loss of you.

Almost all separations lead to divorce. Just so you know. He doesn't want you to become a better person. He wants to learn to live without you. He possibly wants alone time with an affair partner.

Thanks for your response. I figured he did use me for sex but I wont let that happen again. I guess I'm trying to hold on cause I seemed like he's already moved on in my eyes. I'm so hurt. This is scary for me cause I feel like I'm the only one trying. If he wants to live without me why wont he just say it?

 

[SentHereForAReason]

Anytime one spouse suddenly wants a separation I suspect there's more than 2 people in the relationship. Especially when there's some silly crap that comes up that supposedly leads to the separation. I think he just used the silly argument as an excuse to get you gone. You were USED for sex the other night.

My advice is to check the phone bill. Get a job. Get a job paying a liveable wage, if possible. Move out. Don't discuss things with him anymore. It's not working. He needs to see some action on your part. He needs to feel the loss of you.

Almost all separations lead to divorce. Just so you know. He doesn't want you to become a better person. He wants to learn to live without you. He possibly wants alone time with an affair partner.

I am a benefit of the doubt person and someone that likes to see the good in a situation but what ER has said above really seems to be the case. We have seen it play out a ton on this board like that and sadly, in my own life, saw the exact same sort of stuff. I saw it in the weeks leading up into when I first found out there was an affair, which would have been a few weeks after it started.

The one big thing I can remember that is similar to this was one Saturday when i went grocery shopping and bought microwave popcorn that was on sale but we already had microwave popcorn. My EW flew off the rails and got outright angry and emotional and none of it added up and she stormed upstairs.

 

[Foolishhearts18]

I am a benefit of the doubt person and someone that likes to see the good in a situation but what ER has said above really seems to be the case. We have seen it play out a ton on this board like that and sadly, in my own life, saw the exact same sort of stuff. I saw it in the weeks leading up into when I first found out there was an affair, which would have been a few weeks after it started.

The one big thing I can remember that is similar to this was one Saturday when i went grocery shopping and bought microwave popcorn that was on sale but we already had microwave popcorn. My EW flew off the rails and got outright angry and emotional and none of it added up and she stormed upstairs.

That really breaks my heart. Hi do I find out if he's cheating on me? How did you find out?

 

[Steve2.0]

I hate the way my wife makes scrambled eggs too. If you don't have kids you shouldn't put all your eggs in his basket. Scrambled egg problems are like 1/10,000th of the pressure a child brings into a relationship.

What a weird thing to get a separation over.. I would be laughing at my wifes face if that was the argument that broke the camels back.

You have far more problems than you are mentioning.. or maybe more that you arent even aware of (like poster mentions above)

Time to improve yourself... not for HIM but for yourself.


PS. Gordon Ramsey has a great scrambled egg recipe.

 

[Foolishhearts18]

Thank for the response. I tried to put as much in as I could without making it too long. I admit I don't do things he asks at times and he gets fed up with me. But he refuses to see my efforts. I feel like even if I did everything he wanted it still would not be enough. There is way more I could mention but it would be a lot to type.

 

[Steve2.0]

Thank for the response. I tried to put as much in as I could without making it too long. I admit I don't do things he asks at times and he gets fed up with me. But he refuses to see my efforts. I feel like even if I did everything he wanted it still would not be enough. There is way more I could mention but it would be a lot to type.

Its hard to say... On the scale of "normal to unrealistic" some people have very different ideas.

My wife keeps my kids fed and clothed, with food done most nights... For me, thats enough to keep me happy.

BUT I know some men that want food on the table every night and the house cleaned.. etc..... Everyone is different.

 

[Foolishhearts18]

Well I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be the stupid one trying and he never cared anyway. It's like he gets mad when I don't understand how he wants to seperate its like he wants me but he don't want me and that confuses me.

 

[SentHereForAReason]

That really breaks my heart. Hi do I find out if he's cheating on me? How did you find out?

My EW would change emotions on a dime but nothing was as drastic as that night, so I sat back and did some reflection that night after I was done being angry about her attitude. I then thought about how 2 weeks earlier, she just wasn't herself. She was distant and very unhappy. Not angry but unhappy and distant and quiet. I had asked what was wrong and she mentioned it was something she had to figure out on her own, which was odd. I then started to think about her new phone habits that included always being by her and in her back pocket.

A few weeks after the incident she left her computer open and she was logged into her email where she chats with her best friend. It said something about telling her best friend that she was going to be with her if I asked one night. That led me on a fact finding mission. She had her phone upstairs but her iPad was downstairs and they sync. I then found text messages she forgot to erase from a few weeks prior that didn't have a ton of details but enough to let me know they were at least kissing and having an emotional affair. Customer of hers and since he is free to roam between any job site in the state and she's outside sales, they were meeting up quite frequently for dates during the day. He was/is married.

After about a day or 2 of being remorseful and very concerned for me, her tune started to change and then went from breaking all contact with him, to he is a good friend and she will be sad to lose him as a friend but needed to keep in contact with him because he was a customer that placed a lot of orders. I was stupid enough to allow the email contact. It quickly went down hill about 2 weeks after that and it went from us getting re-connected to her starting to say things like she was confused and thinks she might be better off alone. This is after 14 years of marriage and 17 years together, with 2 kids a new house and things going 'well'. I thought she started to come through a few weeks after that and then that only lasted a week or 2 and she started to say it just wasn't working for her, it wasn't getting any better but it had NOTHING to do with the guy. I must note, she also had an affair (thought it was only emotional) with him in 2009.

I could list 10,000,000 details here but it went down further and further each day to where 2 months after D-Day she said the spark was gone and that she couldn't say she loved me anymore. I kept on trying to improve myself and work on things like superman but it was to no avail. A month later she started to talk about divorce, still NOTHING to do with the guy.

Fast forward to 6 months after D-Day, everything I had suspected and had a gut feeling on was right. She never, not even 2 days after when I first found out, gave up the affair, it just got deeper and deeper and more underground in terms of communication, secret emails, wiping her phone clean before she walked into the door. By the time I found out everything, she was looking at divorce options and how to break free from me and be with her soulmate, even though he never left his wife. What he fed her and what he has done are two separate things. Divorce started in January, finalized, just this Monday. The hurt from the betrayal of the affair was only half of it. The blame shifting and excuses on why it was our marriage and her re-writing of the entire 17 years, hurt as bad, if not worse.

In terms of finding out. Phone records, computer usage, trying to think if his appearance has changed, staying out later, working more, new clothes, new hygiene habits. See if you can think of any changes over the past few months?

 

[Foolishhearts18]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I see a few things that I thought was weird. Like yesterday he cashed a check from his new job for gas money. He. On the phone with me and when he went up to the desk he told the girl this is the last time yall will see me up here and then said hey ill call you back. When he called me back he said that he had to fill out a first time user form. I said ok but I thought that was weird. Also his new job is selling insurance and he has the possibility of making a lot of money. Seems like he has already figured out his life with all the money he will make. This weekend he went out early in the morning and when I woke up and asked him where he went he said I just went out. And he said he took money out but the next day I asked if he had some money and he first said why then told me he ain't have any. I also thought that was weird.

 

[Magnesium]

Yeah, he is probably cheating, not that it even really matters anymore. He doesn't want to be with you and it sounds like you will be better off without him anyway.

How old are you both?

You say you have gotten a decent job, so maybe you can find a roommate and an apartment to share.

Do you go to church? Maybe someone at your church can help you navigate toward finding a roommate and housing.

You've got to be able to stand on your own two feet and now is an opportunity to learn to do that.

 

[Foolishhearts18]

Yeah, he is probably cheating, not that it even really matters anymore. He doesn't want to be with you and it sounds like you will be better off without him anyway.

How old are you both?

You say you have gotten a decent job, so maybe you can find a roommate and an apartment to share.

Do you go to church? Maybe someone at your church can help you navigate toward finding a roommate and housing.

You've got to be able to stand on your own two feet and now is an opportunity to learn to do that.

I'm 26 I will be 27 in a week and he's 28. Yea I can get my own place. I just need a few months to save. I guess maybe this is needed for me to be better but I love him so much and its hard to let go. I have been wanting to find a church but I figured ill do that once I leave. I really don't want to be without him though and I don't know how to handle this.

 

[Magnesium]

I'm 26 I will be 27 in a week and he's 28. Yea I can get my own place. I just need a few months to save. I guess maybe this is needed for me to be better but I love him so much and its hard to let go. I have been wanting to find a church but I figured ill do that once I leave. I really don't want to be without him though and I don't know how to handle this.

People confuse sentimental feelings for love all the time. People also confuse dysfunctional co-dependence for love all the time. You are just used to being around this fool and you're probably scared. Once you're out on your own, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. And, if you're wise and patient, you may find a decent man to go through life with who will make you wonder why you wasted a single moment on this joker.

There's no need to wait to go to church. Go this weekend. Start meeting people and listen to them. Join a Bible study, women's group, small group...whatever. Pray for wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Ask for guidance and clarity and strength. It will come.

If you can refocus your attention from your [soon-to-be-ex] husband to yourself and a relationship with the Lord, you'll see some dramatic and positive changes very soon. Get yourself a Bible in the NLT version (or look it up online) and just start reading from wherever to wherever. But, every morning when you wake up, before you even get out of bed, read the chapter of Proverbs that corresponds with the date. Today is the 12th so you can read Proverbs 12 and tomorrow is the 13th and you will read Proverbs 13. Every day. And at the end of the month, you start over. Every month.

You will not only get through this...you will be so much better on the other side of this if you find the right path and stay on it. This is not as much a problem as it is an opportunity.

It will be okay.

 

[Foolishhearts18]

People confuse sentimental feelings for love all the time. People also confuse dysfunctional co-dependence for love all the time. You are just used to being around this fool and you're probably scared. Once you're out on your own, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. And, if you're wise and patient, you may find a decent man to go through life with who will make you wonder why you wasted a single moment on this joker.

There's no need to wait to go to church. Go this weekend. Start meeting people and listen to them. Join a Bible study, women's group, small group...whatever. Pray for wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Ask for guidance and clarity and strength. It will come.

If you can refocus your attention from your [soon-to-be-ex] husband to yourself and a relationship with the Lord, you'll see some dramatic and positive changes very soon. Get yourself a Bible in the NLT version (or look it up online) and just start reading from wherever to wherever. But, every morning when you wake up, before you even get out of bed, read the chapter of Proverbs that corresponds with the date. Today is the 12th so you can read Proverbs 12 and tomorrow is the 13th and you will read Proverbs 13. Every day. And at the end of the month, you start over. Every month.

You will not only get through this...you will be so much better on the other side of this if you find the right path and stay on it. This is not as much a problem as it is an opportunity.

It will be okay.

Thank you very much gor the advice. I will look into a church for this weekend. I'll also read psalms as you said. I have been praying and getting closer to God and I was doing so well but then the sex thing happened and I think that set me back. I will just continue as I planned and try to get over him with time.

 

[SentHereForAReason]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I see a few things that I thought was weird. Like yesterday he cashed a check from his new job for gas money. He. On the phone with me and when he went up to the desk he told the girl this is the last time yall will see me up here and then said hey ill call you back. When he called me back he said that he had to fill out a first time user form. I said ok but I thought that was weird. Also his new job is selling insurance and he has the possibility of making a lot of money. Seems like he has already figured out his life with all the money he will make. This weekend he went out early in the morning and when I woke up and asked him where he went he said I just went out. And he said he took money out but the next day I asked if he had some money and he first said why then told me he ain't have any. I also thought that was weird.

Couple of things. Usually on the longer posts, I have to re-read several times to get more details that I missed

First thing, you said to me "I'm so sorry you had to go through that" We don't know each other but the fact that you can show empathy or sympathy when you are going through all of this shows what type of person you are.

At first I was catching all of the red flags of why he was flying off the handle and what you explained in a later post signals even more that he is up to 'no good'. But when I re-read all of the stuff about him blaming you for not living up to your potential and being not the best woman you can be, etc, etc. All classic projection and blame-shifting. If you don't know what projection in this sense is, it's the insecurities and faults he has with himself but he is putting them on you. It's not a great consolation prize but you are not the problem in this relationship.

If you haven't told his parents already, have a sit down with them and tell them ASAP. Tell your own parents. It doesn't matter if they have a full house or not. Once it's realized what is being done to you, the people that love you will come to your aid, do not be afraid to do that. This is not your fault and when you are back up and riding high and you will be in the future. You can pay it forward.

When you reach out to family and friends see if they can make recommendations to go and talk to someone, a counselor, etc. You are going to need one to help you battle the great lengths and mind games you will be put through.

 

[Magnesium]

Thank you very much gor the advice. I will look into a church for this weekend. I'll also read psalms as you said. I have been praying and getting closer to God and I was doing so well but then the sex thing happened and I think that set me back. I will just continue as I planned and try to get over him with time.

Good. Pray, read, eat, sleep, work, and plan.

I see you wrote "psalms" and maybe that wasn't what you meant to write, so I just wanted to clarify that I am suggesting you read the Proverbs. There are 31 chapters in Proverbs and they are fairly short, but packed with goodness. They are wonderful nuggets of wisdom and instruction that will soon become a part of you if you keep at it. The Psalms are great, too, but there are many, some can be long, and it is better to read those with an understanding of the historical background and with some guidance and structure so as to comprehend and apply the wisdom in them. So, let's start with the Proverbs and see where it takes you.

If you need any further help or guidance on this, feel free to send me a PM.

 

[MaiChi]

If I imagine how much I hate eggs and then hear that they are actually causing your marriage to fall apart, i can only despair.

Why not just talk to him and put a time scale on the help you are going to get from the therapist, then you have a time period to focus on. Then when you go to the therapist you listen to his concerns. Sometimes spouses are shocked to find their spouses seem not to be whom they imagined. He nay not at all be cheating but just wants to assert his authority on you as some men do. If that is the case, you may just need to hive in and let him know it was a stupid thing to insist on.

But best waiting till he has had his say at the therapist, so you know exactly where he thinks he stands. If I loved him that is what I would do. the issue now is that you will now always be wary of how he reacts to your behaviours. How are you going to deal with that if you get back together? You cannot always give in.

 

[Foolishhearts18]

Couple of things. Usually on the longer posts, I have to re-read several times to get more details that I missed

First thing, you said to me "I'm so sorry you had to go through that" We don't know each other but the fact that you can show empathy or sympathy when you are going through all of this shows what type of person you are.

At first I was catching all of the red flags of why he was flying off the handle and what you explained in a later post signals even more that he is up to 'no good'. But when I re-read all of the stuff about him blaming you for not living up to your potential and being not the best woman you can be, etc, etc. All classic projection and blame-shifting. If you don't know what projection in this sense is, it's the insecurities and faults he has with himself but he is putting them on you. It's not a great consolation prize but you are not the problem in this relationship.

If you haven't told his parents already, have a sit down with them and tell them ASAP. Tell your own parents. It doesn't matter if they have a full house or not. Once it's realized what is being done to you, the people that love you will come to your aid, do not be afraid to do that. This is not your fault and when you are back up and riding high and you will be in the future. You can pay it forward.

When you reach out to family and friends see if they can make recommendations to go and talk to someone, a counselor, etc. You are going to need one to help you battle the great lengths and mind games you will be put through.

Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. I told my parents because they are more understanding but we didn't tell his parents yet because 1.they will try to force us to stay together cause the bible says so and 2.not be understanding of the situation. My parents already told me if I need to come back home then come back. My dad also thinks something is weird and that my husband is acting strange. He thinks it's because he has a good job and is on track to make a lot of money and now wants to seperate so that he can have his money to himself. Us having sex just made everything different and now I think he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I hope he isnt cheating but i do feel like hes afraid to tell me how he truly feels about me and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. He sent me a text a while ago

He said "Look I'm sorry about last night. Things got escalated. I can respect how you feel and I hope you can respect mine. I don't know how to explain what I mean without hurting your feelings. WHEN I tell you how I feel you don't take it well."

I don't take it well cause it's not clear. I mean how am I supposed to take it if you don't even know how to explain it. He told me after we had sex that he wants to seperate but still occasionally have sex. That's confusing. Idk what that means. I looked up seperation stuff last night and from what I saw it says don't have sex, make the terms clear and seek counseling.


So I told him "Ok. I looked up this seperation thing and I think you need to figure out how you want this to go. I'm not going to take things as well as you think. I'm hurt and confused. So figure out where you want our relationship to go and the terms of this seperation so I can be clear and not put my emotions so heavy on this."

I need to know the actual terms and what he truly wants or this wont go well.

 

[Foolishhearts18]

Good. Pray, read, eat, sleep, work, and plan.

I see you wrote "psalms" and maybe that wasn't what you meant to write, so I just wanted to clarify that I am suggesting you read the Proverbs. There are 31 chapters in Proverbs and they are fairly short, but packed with goodness. They are wonderful nuggets of wisdom and instruction that will soon become a part of you if you keep at it. The Psalms are great, too, but there are many, some can be long, and it is better to read those with an understanding of the historical background and with some guidance and structure so as to comprehend and apply the wisdom in them. So, let's start with the Proverbs and see where it takes you.

If you need any further help or guidance on this, feel free to send me a PM.

Thank you for your help and yes I meant to say proverbs lol. I talked to my dad to help me find a church in the area and I found one so I will research the church and go on Sunday. I am very scared to visit a church on my own, but I will try and see how it turns out. I will defiantly PM you if I need assistance with the scriptures. 😊