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This is nothing new for me to come to these sites, but I feel I need someone to talk to about what is about to go down.

Backstory of where I'm coming from.

We met in college. She was fresh out of HS and I had been in school for a few years. We met on her first night on campus. We hit it off, and then, later that night we had sex. It was awesome, wonderful, just blew me away. I had not been to sexually active, losing my virginity at 22. Our relationship was up and down and very tumultuous. She was a wild child, going out, hanging with other dudes, and she had been raped twice. Each time I sought the offender out, but each time she held me off.

Fast forward to the conception of our first child. We were not married, and so within less than a year of meeting we were married.

We had out ups and downs, then in 2003, after being married fro 7 years, she started hanging with people I did not trust. I was also insecure about myself. She had neglected her familial obligations and I was not very much help either. We got into a huge fight and it got physical. I did not hit her, but it was enough for me to go to anger management and therapy. She refused to go with me. We eventually made amends, but the damage was done. Off and one we have had huge fights, some great sex, some horrible sex, and to be honest... I don't really meet her needs like she needs me to. My staying off power is weak. I try, but each time it's just... Anyway.

Fast forward to now. Been married 24 years, have 3 kids, 24, 20, 7. My wive claims she was close to leaving me when our youngest was born. It came as a shock. I really had no idea I was that bad of a husband. Well anyway she has battled depression and began to online game. She used to do it a few hours a night or day but now it's almost every day for 10 hours or more. She seems withdrawn, unmotivated, emotionless, unless it's ONLINE. Well she got a vibrator in December of 2019 and asked if I wanted to be a part of it, but I threw it in her face! I felt inadequate. I'm far from the dude you would rely on for a "big lay" if you know what I mean. It was a slap in my face! Instead of being enthusiastic, I was an Ass! Anyway, she bought some sexy outfits. They really excited me, but to be honest we might have sex once a month if that. Anyway she is very good friends with two 20 something year old dudes. They are very raunchy together and have even watched porn together. Well she went to visit them about 1000 miles away. I was cleaning her room and trying to put some stuff away when I noticed her vibrator was missing. So was her sexy outfits. I held off a few days to confront her, but she maintains she took the vibrator because "she has needs". I understand that. What I don't get is why would she take the sexy lingerie? She says she returned them to Amazon. I did not see a return on Amazon. I called them and chatted with them. Nope, not returned. Why in hell would she lie about it unless she is hiding something. She knows I am a nosy dude. If there's smoke there is fire. I will find it.

You can now imagine how freaked out I am. I want to work this out. I want to try, but she might not have anything left to give. The gaming damage might be too much? She comes home on Monday and I want to confront her. I have proof from Amazon that there were no returns.

Any help is welcome. I feel so empty right now.
 

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I think you can put two and two together and figure out where the vibrators and sexy outfits were used, and they didn't involve you.
If she is going 1K miles away to visit two 20 year old dudes, she isn't that into you.
All you can do is sit down with her and deal with the mess.
If she wants to be married to you and vice versa, you both have some changes to make and work to do. Either you both want to do it or you don't.
If one or both of you don't, it is probably best to carve the carcass that is your marriage up and move on.
 

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I know. I know. This is so unlike her. It's not something she's done before. She's not consciously gone out of her way to meet up with guys. She keeps maintaining they are just friends, and she said her "Vow to me was still intact" but I still don't want her messing around with others, especially in person!
 

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Of course she is traveling 1000 miles just to visit. 🤦🏻‍♂️

I can’t believe you even let her out the door without telling her to hit the road for good.

I’d love to go on and on about all the things you have done incorrectly but I’m 45 and don’t have that much time left on earth ... figure I’ll die about 85.
 

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You let her lady volcano simmer and build up pressure.
You did not take the time to release it with something other than excuses.

She found two young dudes that will oblige her. Over and over.

You piddled, while she diddled, and now you have lost her.
I feel sorry for both of you, her, more than you.

Lilith-
 
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I know. I know. This is so unlike her. It's not something she's done before. She's not consciously gone out of her way to meet up with guys. She keeps maintaining they are just friends, and she said her "Vow to me was still intact" but I still don't want her messing around with others, especially in person!
It definitely is face the music time.
Sounds like you should have taken some action back in 2003.
Frankly, you should have issued the ultimatum before she hit the door, telling her that if she is leaving that she better take the rest of her stuff with her.
Tell her that you will entertain believing that she kept her vow to you intact when it is verified via polygraph.
 

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Brother, we all have needs, but to travel 1000 km to meet two 20 yo gaming community kids sorry but no she is having a A.
Show her the Amazon statement. But she has left the marriage. This is her exit A.
one day at a time
Buffer
 

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She told you she was thinking of divorcing you, and she is watching porn with other men. Then she went 1000 km to be with those dudes. Common man what do you think is happening.

You were cool with other men watching porn with your wife dude, let that sink in.
 
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I'm sorry, I'm going to be blunt, this will be a 2x4.

This is a **** show. Your wife is currently getting spit roasted by 2 young guys. Maybe the mental picture will make you angry. Which at this point is what you need to be.

I'm sorry you have a 7 year old at home still. Her wanting to have left around the time of the birth tells me you should also DNA test that child.

I don't know how much you've read on this forum about getting out of infidelity. But, I'd never recommend reconciling, I always recommend divorce. To my mind, reconciling is just having the rest of your life having a **** sandwich on your plate. In my experience, and from what I've read, although as painful as it is, a divorce will allow you to heal. And that's what I want for you or anyone else in your shoes, to heal from this.

See a lawyer like yesterday, get the best custody agreement you can. Give her what she wants. I wish you and your kids the best going forward.

Additionally, might I suggest doing some reading at 'chumplady.com'. Lose a cheater, gain a life.
 

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You have no clue what your wife is capable of. 10 to 1 she was never raped. She was just defending her lovers from you. You must of know she had been with someone so she claimed rape. I would even question if your kids are actually your kids.
I was just about to write this exact post. Likely used the word rape to excuse one night stands. You guys were never a match - she's too wild and you are too tame. Bad matchup. She seems bored with you - as she has insatiable "needs". I would absolutely DNA the kids.

Also, what 40 something adult plays video games 10 hours a day?? Does she work?
 

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Hey buddy you got to get a clue... on basic relationship or life matters. first of all you blew it when she asked you to participate playing with her vibrator. you couldn’t have done anything worse than what you just did by getting pissed off and throwing that in her face that’s completely blown it. You’ll be lucky if she wants to have sex with you again. So why are you surprised that she went 1000 miles away to get laid because that’s what she did if you haven’t got that clue... OK so we all know that she went there to have a f**k fest. OK first of all when is it OK for your wife to watch porn with two different guys what the ****. Let me tell you that wouldn’t be happening at all. She’s watching porn with anyone should be with you. you might as well just chalk this one up as a learning experience in this relationship get out and get a new one because you done just too much damage and she’s Super tramp and not the band. she’s a cheating lying disgusting person that’s who you’re married to you so good luck. your wife is a terrible person at least to you. I feel sorry for you and your situation. Please do the right thing get away from her. God bless
 

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Anyway she is very good friends with two 20 something year old dudes.
Sounds like your wife at 40 something, is still wired for two twenty. Have you ask her what gauge wire these ole boys will be installing?
 
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Yep, the gauge wire Eric pulled apparently couldn't handle the amps and overheated her junction box.
 
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