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You know ...... there are a lot of people in this world with problems. Like yeah...a bunch. In many cases it is not that persons fault. Some people are raised in a life of circumstances that led to things beyond their control. It doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person per se’ but it sure in the HELL can make them a terrible partner or a life long project that is unfixable.

What I’m getting at is: Project women are trouble. Avoid them as if they have Ebola. Next time don’t pick one that needs to be the star of “fixer upper”.
 

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Discussion Starter #42
Well, I didn't mean anything I said to criticize you, I want you to know that. And I definitely didn't mean that your wife doesn't have major faults (no matter what MrM thinks I meant :p). But go back and read your first post in the "Got What I Asked For" thread -- your FIRST post...I sense from some of the things you hinted at that you probably weren't as caring to your wife as she needed.

And then at least twice you said this was karma for how carelessly you treated women before her...I was thinking of that too, when I said you needed to look at what YOUR part in all this was, so you don't repeat it. Because it's possible that not many women would have stayed with you the way you described your relationship before you married. Maybe they wouldn't have found another guy, but they might still have left you for good and not wanted you back.

And you said it hurt that she broke her promises to you, but in your first post on that other thread, it sounded like you might have broken some promises that you made her as well.

All I wanted to do was make you think about what happened from a different perspective, and take steps to be a better partner next time - NOT that you deserved anything or are fully at fault!
Yes I understood your point and definitely didn’t take it as you were trying to criticize. I also want to make clear that the karma part I meant was when I was in my late teen, very early adult hood stage and didn’t take relationships serious at all. Didn’t want a ltr wasn’t even something that crossed my mind. So I was meaning along the way I’m sure a lot of hearts got broke by girls who may have taken things serious. Sure as hell doesn’t compare to the heart break of a marriage with children involved but I guess I was just trying to think of any excuse I could to justify this happening.

You are correct that I wasn’t as caring as I should have been. I can’t deny that. However I feel if two people want to make it work they will. If I forgave her for cheating and also was willing to work through the things I felt she was lacking in, I figured she was willing to do the same. Instead, as soon as things aren’t going her way she just bounces to the next man. Marriage takes a lot of work and I was willing to put that work in and go through hell and back to make things work if that’s what it took. I always thought that feeling was mutual but I was very wrong. My pride is hurt, ego crushed, trust destroyed. She just has completely broke me down and Ive never considered myself a weak man. It’s just that I grew up without a dad so I wanted more than anything to give my kids what I didn’t have, a mother and father. Her daughters father is a deadbeat loser so I took her daughter in as my own since she was a yr old. My son was also very young when he started being around her so he grew up to love her. Her daughter and my son are super close. Our daughter is the youngest and plays it off like she’s ok but I know she’s hurting. It isn’t just me she’s effected. Our family is just ripped apart. I know it’s common these days, but it sucks when it happens to you, it just really really sucks. I’m just so angry at her selfishness. If it was a relationship that couldn’t have been saved I’d be honest and say so, but I have heard older couples tell stories about what they’ve been through which has been far worse than anything in our marriage and they came out stronger than ever and been married 40-50yrs. That’s what I wanted! That’s what kills me is I thought I had a partner willing to go through whatever with me not run like a child at the first sight of a minor problem.
 

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Discussion Starter #43
You know ...... there are a lot of people in this world with problems. Like yeah...a bunch. In many cases it is not that persons fault. Some people are raised in a life of circumstances that led to things beyond their control. It doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person per se’ but it sure in the HELL can make them a terrible partner or a life long project that is unfixable.

What I’m getting at is: Project women are trouble. Avoid them as if they have Ebola. Next time don’t pick one that needs to be the star of “fixer upper”.
Trust me I’ve learned my lesson and it will be a LONG time before I pick one period. My daughter is a daddy’s girl and isn’t going to be stuck at my hip and very on guard for a while I can already tell. My son is hitting teenage years and doesn’t really mind much besides feeling bad for me but my focus is on them. My daughter primarily. I want her to get through all this and be ok. Right now I have to worry about this loser getting out of jail and being around the girls. You would think being what she’s been through she would give it time but no she’s already talking about getting a place with him when he gets out according to my step daughter. A guy she barely knows and majority of barely being jail visits and phone calls. How could you be a mother and just let some random guy around your daughters? I’m so pissed.
 

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You have a very valid concern with the convict boyfriend. You could see about having it written into the separation/divorce agreement that he (or anyone with such a record) is not allowed around YOUR kids. Sadly you wont have control over what she allows for her own daughter, but you can do your best to protect your own.
 

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Stupid question but is there anyway you guys can work it out and stay together? It doesn’t sound like you are done with her.

Also... I just wanted to mention something about the conversation you had with lisa about your faults. I can be moody and expressive too, and when I am I hate it when I am left alone. I understand that I’m not pleasant to be around but people need love the most when they aren’t at their best. So hearing that your wife is asking for more affection and you try to avoid her when she is upset or in a mood breaks my heart for her. You can’t have only the good in people. You can’t have the good, and avoid her when she’s at her bad, then pop up when she is better and good again.
 

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let me ask you a question, NGB, before we go down this road. Define moody please?

Moody to men and women mean totally different things in many cases. Some of what you wrote and how it was implied set off a red flag for me.
 

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You tried. You did your best. You worked hard to make a better life for your family than you had. This end really hurts! She left because of her deficiencies, NOT because of you. She has a history of self-sabotage and being fickle.

You lived a life while often walking on egg shells, never knowing what to expect. I'm thinking her childhood trauma--Abuse?--is likely responsible for her behavior--maybe even a personality disorder. You know you cannot change her, but you can change yourself. This is not to say she didn't have redeeming qualities that you loved--it just wasn't enough.

Her moral code is different from yours. I'm thinking her mind changes in an appalling and confusing manner--not to be figured out. Beware of her showing up and trying to seduce you.

Do not let her live rent free in your head--she doesn't deserve this as she has fired you and all you offered. You and your children deserve better.

Mind movies: are part of your feelings of loss. Are part of your search for what you could have done differently. Go to the place in your head where she creeps in. She is an alien now. Expel her as best you can except for necessary parenting. Communicate between lawyers when possible. The sooner you 'let it go', the sooner you can focus on improving yourself--exposing the man you are because you are a survivor not a victim.
 

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Discussion Starter #48
Stupid question but is there anyway you guys can work it out and stay together? It doesn’t sound like you are done with her.

Also... I just wanted to mention something about the conversation you had with lisa about your faults. I can be moody and expressive too, and when I am I hate it when I am left alone. I understand that I’m not pleasant to be around but people need love the most when they aren’t at their best. So hearing that your wife is asking for more affection and you try to avoid her when she is upset or in a mood breaks my heart for her. You can’t have only the good in people. You can’t have the good, and avoid her when she’s at her bad, then pop up when she is better and good again.
Trust me it’s hard to put into words but I promise even though it sounds that way it’s not. When I say moody I mean she can really say some mean and nasty things. She’s real confrontational and I’m laid back and the opposite so I avoid the conflict. It may have sounded worse than it was. When she was upset about something I was always there for her so please don’t take it as I was some ******* who only wanted to be there when she was happy that def wasn’t the case. It’s ok to be moody and I completely get that. We both had moody days just like any other regular person.

To answer your original question no there is no working it out. She’s has completely moved on and is happy with her boyfriend. I asked for marriage counseling and also had many long conversations where I let it be known I was still madly in love with her and be wanted her home more than anything(this was before I knew about the boyfriend) she told me she was still in love with me too but we had let things go too far. Basically that was her way of just letting me down easy. She knows my heart is broken. She also knows how much i loved her trust me I’ve been through hell and back with her. The affection could have been better at times yes BOTH ours could have. The problem is when I would own up to my part and express things she could never accept her part. I’ve said millions of I’m sorry and can’t tell you the last time I’ve ever heard her say that. She always has a way of putting it all on me and that’s what made the affection part difficult. Idk it’s hard to describe it in writing but I promise it wasn’t like “oh she’s in a bad mood I’m going to avoid her until she’s happy” if it came out sounding that way it’s just because of how hard it is to explain this. I just can’t give one good reason we shouldn’t be working things out right now. She must have gave up on us along time ago is all I can think of because we weren’t this horrible couple.
 

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Discussion Starter #49
let me ask you a question, NGB, before we go down this road. Define moody please?

Moody to men and women mean totally different things in many cases. Some of what you wrote and how it was implied set off a red flag for me.
Her moody would be a very condescending tone and most the time followed up with some awful things said. Just such a negative attitude that I would actually feed off the energy and would put me in a bad mood. For example I could have a great day at work, excited to come home and see her and the kids and as soon as I come in the door could feel her negativity before she even spoke and could tell she was in one of those moods. If I tried to be positive or bring positivity by playing with my daughter for example it wouldn’t help she would block everyone out or tell us to be quiet she was trying to watch tv(all the time) and if I tried to get her to be involved with us would just be met with more attitude. Things like that don’t exactly make me want to cuddle up with her. I’ve had moody gfs where I could easily start playing around with them and get them out of that mood. This isn’t the case. She even has the same mood with her gma who I sometimes speak to(who she currently stays with) and even she says that it’s awful.
 

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Discussion Starter #50
You tried. You did your best. You worked hard to make a better life for your family than you had. This end really hurts! She left because of her deficiencies, NOT because of you. She has a history of self-sabotage and being fickle.

You lived a life while often walking on egg shells, never knowing what to expect. I'm thinking her childhood trauma--Abuse?--is likely responsible for her behavior--maybe even a personality disorder. You know you cannot change her, but you can change yourself. This is not to say she didn't have redeeming qualities that you loved--it just wasn't enough.

Her moral code is different from yours. I'm thinking her mind changes in an appalling and confusing manner--not to be figured out. Beware of her showing up and trying to seduce you.

Do not let her live rent free in your head--she doesn't deserve this as she has fired you and all you offered. You and your children deserve better.

Mind movies: are part of your feelings of loss. Are part of your search for what you could have done differently. Go to the place in your head where she creeps in. She is an alien now. Expel her as best you can except for necessary parenting. Communicate between lawyers when possible. The sooner you 'let it go', the sooner you can focus on improving yourself--exposing the man you are because you are a survivor not a victim.
Exactly I guess the moody I refer to would be best described as you put it confusing and appealing, sometimes even shocking! I would try talking to her about it, sometimes she would blame it on anxiety other times she would deny even having a problem or attitude at all that it was just me that had a problem and horrible attitude. There was just no winning with her, no middle ground and we finally got to the point we did because like I said majority of fights we had she ran off instead of handling it and talking it out. It just got swept under the rug until it no longer could anymore.
 

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Her moody would be a very condescending tone and most the time followed up with some awful things said. Just such a negative attitude that I would actually feed off the energy and would put me in a bad mood. For example I could have a great day at work, excited to come home and see her and the kids and as soon as I come in the door could feel her negativity before she even spoke and could tell she was in one of those moods. If I tried to be positive or bring positivity by playing with my daughter for example it wouldn’t help she would block everyone out or tell us to be quiet she was trying to watch tv(all the time) and if I tried to get her to be involved with us would just be met with more attitude. Things like that don’t exactly make me want to cuddle up with her. I’ve had moody gfs where I could easily start playing around with them and get them out of that mood. This isn’t the case. She even has the same mood with her gma who I sometimes speak to(who she currently stays with) and even she says that it’s awful.
Thanks.

Has she gone to counseling or a psychiatrist?
 

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Discussion Starter #52
Her moody would be a very condescending tone and most the time followed up with some awful things said. Just such a negative attitude that I would actually feed off the energy and would put me in a bad mood. For example I could have a great day at work, excited to come home and see her and the kids and as soon as I come in the door could feel her negativity before she even spoke and could tell she was in one of those moods. If I tried to be positive or bring positivity by playing with my daughter for example it wouldn’t help she would block everyone out or tell us to be quiet she was trying to watch tv(all the time) and if I tried to get her to be involved with us would just be met with more attitude. Things like that don’t exactly make me want to cuddle up with her. I’ve had moody gfs where I could easily start playing around with them and get them out of that mood. This isn’t the case. She even has the same mood with her gma who I sometimes speak to(who she currently stays with) and even she says that it’s awful.
Thanks.

Has she gone to counseling or a psychiatrist?
The only time she tried was a few yrs back and they had put her on anti depressants which she took for a few days and stopped and benzos which are the only thing she said helps her feel better but she abuses so she can’t take them. She hasn’t tried and actual therapy and idk if it’s because she doesn’t want to talk about the past or why it is she won’t go. Any type of stressful situation she has to go through she says her anxiety is too bad and just shuts down. I know anxiety/panic attacks can be awful but she hasn’t tried finding any tools to help with that.
 

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Discussion Starter #53
You know what, Everything you have written about how much you loved her, and how great a couple you guys were, and on and on and on and on and on....

ALL OF THAT IS PROJECTION---- YOU PROJECTING YOUR FEELINGS ON TO HER...

She did not feel that way, grow up already. You have gone on for pages about this crap...

Your wife did not love you, at least at the end. She probably was checked out for a long time. She has been cheating on you for god knows how long. And you were just clueless about all of it.

Was it wrong of her to cheat, yes. Should she have tried harder, probably.

I know that you are hurting, I get it. But from your first post you have not had your head grounded in reality. You just refuse to understand.

Were you a perfect husband, not a chance. Did you deserve to be cheated on, no.

Past that, she was a POS, that is your bottom line.

You have GOT to move on. It is time. It is time to wake up about life's reality and your SOON TO BE EX WIFE.

IT IS TIME TO WAKE UP!!!!! For your own good...
Nobody asked you to read the “pages I have gone on about this crap”. If you don’t like the subject then don’t read it, that simple! What am I refusing to understand? I completely understand now that the love I had for her wasn’t mutual. I believe I’ve even mentioned it a few different times. Writing about what I’ve just been through helps to get it off my chest, and if you don’t like that well personally I could care less. I’m not some naive idiot who can’t see what’s going on but I’ve been with this woman for 10yrs and have children hurting over the fact their home has been ripped apart. I know YOU could give a **** less but at least some ppl have compassion and offer constructive criticism at the very least, most offering awesome advice also with comments to make me feel a little better. It would have also been a little hard for her to be cheating on me “for God knows how long”. She had no issue leaving her phone around, fb acct open and have me free access to any of it if she felt I ever had reason not to trust her. She also worked almost an identical schedule with nothing but women in her profession and I would pick her up after work so unless she was having hot girl on girl orgies in the break room or getting nailed by someone with my kids home I think you’re wrong my friend.
 

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IT IS TIME TO WAKE UP!!!!! For your own good...

He already knows that it is done.

He is just venting.

If you check out his date of first post until now he actually moved to acceptance pretty quick.

BluesPower ..... I get your post. I often have a hard time with men that can't scrape themselves off the floor also. This dude seems to be getting his crap together pretty quick.
 

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He already knows that it is done.

He is just venting.

If you check out his date of first post until now he actually moved to acceptance pretty quick.

BluesPower ..... I get your post. I often have a hard time with men that can't scrape themselves off the floor also. This dude seems to be getting his crap together pretty quick.
EXACTLY. It's also good to remember that TAM is a place that most people come to express their weaker feelings that they don't show to other people in real life. Everyone goes through loss at their own pace. And writing things out can be VERY helpful in sorting through them faster.

That said, NGB, BluesPower has offered some great advice on here, and I doubt meant his post as badly as you took it - it's hard to hear the tone of people's voices through typing, so on here it's always better to read posts with a supportive note to them, because that's almost always how they're meant! :smile2:
 

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He already knows that it is done.

He is just venting.

If you check out his date of first post until now he actually moved to acceptance pretty quick.

BluesPower ..... I get your post. I often have a hard time with men that can't scrape themselves off the floor also. This dude seems to be getting his crap together pretty quick.
No I am not talking about the marriage being done...

I want him, hopefully, to understand like many, she did not love him. She was cheating for way longer than he thinks. In his original thread, he really did not believe it.

I say the above to say this... IT IS TIME TO STOP CARING ABOUT HER.

In other words, he was not living or understanding what was actually going on. Whether he is clueless, in love, not that bright or whatever... But for whatever reason, like this post, a part of him is holding on to the failed marriage.

And, I get it. But hopefully, realizing the reality of who he was married to, has got to help him detach...

Or at least that is my tactic here. He has to let all of it go. Understand he was a fool at some level and move on.

He is not the only one that has had to do that... we have all done something foolish in our time on this earth, I know I have...
 

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NGB, another thing that may help you understand why she chose the loser. Most cheaters cheat down. Why they have nothing to lose because they are bolder and take chances say and doing things most normal men would not do. And sometimes they get what they were going after, they saw a crack in her defenses and because he was alone already did and said simple and shallow comments to her and she chose to move forward with him. It's not easy to understand that someone you knew and loved would let her weaknesses , betray you but she let the other dude take advantage of it.

Now you can chalk this one hurt to alert you in the future, and you will have a future with someone else, but it's ok to mourn to loss of you marriage. And when you had enough pain. You will seek out one that can make you happy.
 

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Discussion Starter #58
Hope to get the thougtyhts out of your head

He already knows that it is done.

He is just venting.

If you check out his date of first post until now he actually moved to acceptance pretty quick.

BluesPower ..... I get your post. I often have a hard time with men that can't scrape themselves off the floor also. This dude seems to be getting his crap together pretty quick.
EXACTLY. It's also good to remember that TAM is a place that most people come to express their weaker feelings that they don't show to other people in real life. Everyone goes through loss at their own pace. And writing things out can be VERY helpful in sorting through them faster.

That said, NGB, BluesPower has offered some great advice on here, and I doubt meant his post as badly as you took it - it's hard to hear the tone of people's voices through typing, so on here it's always better to read posts with a supportive note to them, because that's almost always how they're meant! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile.png" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" >:)</a>
This site has been extremely helpful in helping me move through the process quicker by getting all my feelings out. It also makes it so much better to get advice from ppl that have been through exactly what you have or have others going through it with you and help support each other. That’s what I’ve came to love about TAM. I have a few ppl irl that I could talk to but unless you’ve lived it, it’s difficult to understand how hard it really is.

I’m sure BluesPower has offered great advice and I did read over it a few times before deciding to respond. I was unable to find anything supportive or the least bit helpful in what they wrote. In fact, their post is the first one that I’ve felt that way about. I find it very therapeutic to come here and write to clear my head. Just because I may write in one post “I miss her and wish it could have worked” doesn’t make me some delusional ex who can’t move on. It’s just how I’m feeling at the time and instead of wasting my time trying to reach out to her and making a fool of myself I write it down here and keep no contact with her. I’m just grateful that there are people here willing to take time out of their day to offer up advice because they’ve walked in my shoes before. Nice to have people who genuinely care.
 

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Hey ,thanks and believe me I have not dismissed or ignored your advice or others. I have been doing everything correct. In fact I have no desire to go back at this point. I realize trust has been completely destroyed and I would resent her to the point I would treat her like dog **** even if she tried coming back and I don’t want to be that guy. As hard as it is I believe I have reached the acceptance stage. Problem is, I still have trouble getting her off my mind. Work and reading forums like these so far have been my best weapons. Also all the time I get with my daughter greatly helps. I just feel so emasculated because if being cheated on with a complete loser with nothing to offer her. How does she expect a guy in his mid 20s with felonies to do anything for her and our children. It’s like she turned into a completely different person these last few months I don’t even know her anymore.
This felon, is he on the Sex Offenders Register, by any chance? Those types just love a woman with children. For obvious reasons.
 

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Re: Hope to get the thougtyhts out of your head

This site has been extremely helpful in helping me move through the process quicker by getting all my feelings out. It also makes it so much better to get advice from ppl that have been through exactly what you have or have others going through it with you and help support each other. That’s what I’ve came to love about TAM. I have a few ppl irl that I could talk to but unless you’ve lived it, it’s difficult to understand how hard it really is.

I’m sure BluesPower has offered great advice and I did read over it a few times before deciding to respond. I was unable to find anything supportive or the least bit helpful in what they wrote. In fact, their post is the first one that I’ve felt that way about. I find it very therapeutic to come here and write to clear my head. Just because I may write in one post “I miss her and wish it could have worked” doesn’t make me some delusional ex who can’t move on. It’s just how I’m feeling at the time and instead of wasting my time trying to reach out to her and making a fool of myself I write it down here and keep no contact with her. I’m just grateful that there are people here willing to take time out of their day to offer up advice because they’ve walked in my shoes before. Nice to have people who genuinely care.
Moderator note: BluesPowers post was reported by members and deleted as it was determined to be unhelpful and an unfair attack on you.
 
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