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I just want peace, love and adventure I want out of this world passion and to experience new things and be treated with respect and kindness馃槥 Its so hard to obtain when it took 4years to realize how mean and selfish my husband is. I feel so stupid and feel like I partially ruined my life. A part of me want to leave but I'm so emotionally and physically drained I don't know if I'm coming or going somertimes. He never appreciated me. I've been reading these columns from other men wishing they wives would do for them what ive done for him for years. Even though I know he doesn't deserve me how come I just can't walk away? How come I'm afraid to live without him? How come I care so much? Why can't I just walk out the door?
 

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Mean and selfish? You need to be gone. I went through the same thing and I got out. It鈥檚 scary as hell but absolutely worth it! Don鈥檛 waste your time on someone who treats you badly.




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I've been trying I promise I have! I have to get my mind right so I can focus because I honestly feel like I'm losing it!
 

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I'm really sorry you are going through this. I took 6 years to realize my husband and I weren't a good fit. I fought for us by myself since the dating process until I stopped caring. After I stopped caring he woke up and realized he had been toxic to me. He was supporting me through school and I left anyway. Life's too short to live like that. I really hope you find a solution out of this. I'm in a very similar situation as yours and believe me, things work out when you leave.
 

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Thank you so much for responding and reminding me that there is life after this. When did you get the courage to walk away?
 

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Thank you so much for responding and reminding me that there is life after this. When did you get the courage to walk away?
It was a long process, but when I had to move for college and live separate from him I noticed that I didn't miss him like I thought I would. There IS life after this. I'm seeing a guy right now and 20 days going out with him made me feel way better than 6 years struggling with my former husband.
 

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I've been considering a traveling job hoping to put some distances between us I pray it works. I hope everything workout with you and your new guy!
 

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How come I care so much? Why can't I just walk out the door?
That's a question everyone who is stuck in an unfulfilling marriage asks and beats themselves up with all the time. Just know it's not that it's a fault with you, it's human nature.

Having gone through this and having thought about it a LOT, I've come to the realization that the reason you can't just walk out the door is that it's an overwhelming task.

It's like moving a mountain. If you had to move a mountain on your own, let's face it, you could not. The darn thing is just too big. But if you break it down into steps and get the tools (heavy equipment and get help) it can be done.

Make a to do list. Think of everything you need to do to walk out the door. What things do you need to pack. Do you need to sell things? Do you need a new job? Do you need to open a bank account in your name only and move your direct deposit over? Who can be your support system? Write it all down. Then work the list, one item at a time. When you get to the end of the list, the last thing will be "Walk out the door." At that point it will be easy.

I like the idea of you getting a new job with travel, but you will need to wait until after the COVID-19 panic to start the job. You might be able to job hunt now though.
 

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how come I just can't walk away? How come I'm afraid to live without him? How come I care so much? Why can't I just walk out the door?
Co-dependency you have. Read up on it.
 

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Yes write it down, put it out into the universe! Make your plan. It鈥檚 only scary for a short time and then you鈥檙e free.




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Even though I know he doesn't deserve me how come I just can't walk away? How come I'm afraid to live without him? How come I care so much? Why can't I just walk out the door?
During psychotherapy, I asked myself those questions over and over since I had made up my mind that our marriage HAD to end. Then one morning the answer came like being hit with a brick: "I still believe I'm SAFE HERE despite the hate, violence and bitterness that has appeared in our union." I was stunned at that realization and very embarrassed! "Safe?" I hadn't been "safe" there for a long time and it was becoming more and more dangerous as she tried harder and harder to bring me back down and under her thumb. The embarrassment gave me both the reason and power to pack my things and walk away - never to return! Once I got away from her and out on my own, I quickly found many ways to deal with life and get along WITHOUT her control and intimidaion. Now I understand why I was so afraid and what made me such a doormat for someone like her. I credit therapy and a support group for helping me find the courage and reason to walk away from a horrible, failing marriage. I soon got a divorce and then found a mentally healthy, loving new partner.
 

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During psychotherapy, I asked myself those questions over and over since I had made up my mind that our marriage HAD to end. Then one morning the answer came like being hit with a brick: "I still believe I'm SAFE HERE despite the hate, violence and bitterness that has appeared in our union." I was stunned at that realization and very embarrassed! "Safe?" I hadn't been "safe" there for a long time and it was becoming more and more dangerous as she tried harder and harder to bring me back down and under her thumb. The embarrassment gave me both the reason and power to pack my things and walk away - never to return! Once I got away from her and out on my own, I quickly found many ways to deal with life and get along WITHOUT her control and intimidaion. Now I understand why I was so afraid and what made me such a doormat for someone like her. I credit therapy and a support group for helping me find the courage and reason to walk away from a horrible, failing marriage. I soon got a divorce and then found a mentally healthy, loving new partner.
I'm so happy for you! You are right! It took me 5 years to realize that I was living in complete fear in my marriage still is somedays are are better than others. He don't abuse me but his demeanor and the way he respond to simple questions frightens me. Sometimes I wake up and I don't know who I'm married to and that alone is scary because sometimes I feel like I don't know what he is capable of doing to me. I'm working on the courage to tell him he has a choice get counseling and help with me are I'm leaving. I'm just trying to get myself financially in order and find myself somewhere to stay. I'm living with embarrassment right now. People love him they think he is so nice and sweet and a good man but they don't know how mean he really is. Sometimes when they say things like he is so sweet you are lucky to have him. I just put my head down in shame just thinking if they only know the hell this man put me through. Thank u for your encouraging words.
 

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Also research 'trauma bonding'...

"When we think of trauma bonding, we typically associate it with The Stockholm Syndrome (TSS) 鈥 a condition named after a real-life situation where a group of hostages became emotionally attached to their kidnapers. TSS, however, although certainly similar to trauma bonding, typically occurs in life-threatening situations where the victim is literally in fear of dying at the hands of her toxic, abusive partner. Trauma bonding is more descriptive of the attachment dilemma that occurs from the type of trauma caused to our emotions (i.e. betrayal and neglect, over and over and over). It鈥檚 the type of bonding that can easily occur via passive-aggressive manipulation (i.e. sex, lies, silent treatments) and other forms of narcissistic control.

The narcissist partner, as cunning as he or she is, understands the process for streamlining a victim's codependency to point of least resistance. He has actually figured out 鈥 without a single day of formal training 鈥 that the best way to ensure narcissistic supply is to create trauma bonds with his targets via the method of 鈥渟educe and discard鈥. He has figured out an easy way to turn us into a narcissist's enabler.

The conditioning that leads to trauma bonding focuses on two powerful sources of reinforcement recurring in succession over and over and at perfectly timed intervals. Psychologists call this reinforcement the 鈥榓rousal-jag鈥 which actually refers to the excitement before the trauma (arousal) and the peace of surrender afterwards (jag). Take a second to reflect on the narcissist's behaviours. Creating trauma bonds is what they've been doing their whole life!

鈥楢rousal-jag鈥 reinforcement is all about giving a little and then taking it away over and over and over in well timed intervals. Narcissists do this all the time (disappearing/reappearing, silence/chaos) whereby creating an illusion of twisted excitement that reinforces the traumatic bond between us and them. And to be clear, the narcissist feels a connection here as well only his connection is to the excitement alone and not to us. This is why a narcissist always has multiple partners because it doubles and triples his excitement factor. The fact that we 鈥 as his victims 鈥 become so attached to the chaos that we鈥檒l eagerly await a hoover is quite an added bonus!

Are you getting it yet??

The excitement before the trauma (of betrayal and neglect) is created during the devalue stage鈥hat point in time right before a discard when our intuition has already told us he鈥檚 going to leave based on his behaviors. It鈥檚 that knot-in-the-stomach feeling, the overwhelming urge to call his phone 100 times, the torment of cognitive dissonance... it鈥檚 the hours spent scouring the internet looking for clues鈥t鈥檚 the feeling we get from the chaos that a narcissist ALWAYS creates right before the silence. Like it or not, we become highly addicted to his narcissistic behaviours, all of the nonsense that goes with it鈥 and we miss it like a motherfucker when it鈥檚 gone鈥hen, suddenly, the narcissist goes silent. We long for the connection 鈥 as manipulated and fabricated as it is 鈥 until we can barely breathe. Then, right before we either kill ourselves or come to our senses, in swoops the narcissist once again 鈥 like a Phoenix rising 鈥 to give us the second reinforcement: the peace of surrender that happens afterwards. His reappearance is meticulously timed for maximum effect and usually follows a silent treatment that has lasted just a tad longer than the one before. The narcissist is conditioning us to accept less and less so he can get away with more each time he vanishes.

Either way, this second dose of reinforcement 鈥 the peace of surrender 鈥 is absolutely heaven! Again, it鈥檚 an addiction 鈥 to the narcissist and the make-up sex, to the vanishing of our anxiety, and to the feeling of calmness and euphoria we get from knowing that, once again, we鈥檝e been given a reprieve to breathe until the cycle repeats again. Seduce and discard鈥educe and discard鈥ill the end of all ****ing time. And, at the moment it鈥檚 happening, we鈥檙e actually okay with that! In fact, there鈥檚 no place in the world we鈥檇 rather be.

As I am writing this, I am realizing that my ex worked very, very hard at trauma bonding. In fact, he was a Master at it, subjecting me to silent treatments (two weeks on/two weeks off) like clockwork, for months at a time, and with no explanation at all. In addition, from mid-October to mid-January every year for 13 years he made like Houdini and fell completely off the grid. And right before leaving, he鈥檇 ramp up the chaos, making me feel horribly anxious and angry yet desperate for his attention. But I was addicted to it and he knew it. Wayne knew exactly what he was doing!

Our addiction to the chaos and then to the reprieve also explains why we find it so hard to maintain No Contact and/or to move on into new relationships after it鈥檚 over. No one excites us in quite the same way or with the same intensity as a toxic partner. Via trauma bonding, we become the suffering and the suffering becomes us. We forget what normalcy feels like. We stop differentiating between good excitement and bad excitement. The chaos and turmoil becomes almost as big a turn-on for us as it does for the N.

If we look back on or inward on (if we鈥檙e still in it) our relationship, we see that at the moment the Idolize Phase ends, the trauma bonding began. We may not have even known this but you can be sure that the narcissist did. As time passed and the narcissistic partner became more successful at managing down our expectations of the relationship, our connection to the nonsense began to stick like super glue. But now that we know it鈥.that there is a name for that strange hold this bizarre person had over us..we can make sure it never happens to us again. If we鈥檙e still in the relationship, then we can get out (and fast!) because, unlike a hostage victim who trauma bonds with a kidnapper, we are NOT being held at gunpoint and we CAN escape. Let us be grateful for that fact and do what we need to do to save our sanity."

Source: Narcissists & Trauma Bonding: Twisted Attachment
 
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