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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Story: im 30, married 9 years with 2 kids 5 and 4. This year after trying many times i got into medical school.
Med school has been my goal for a while, since before i met wife. Currently it allows me, thru a combinations of generous grants and very generous scholarships, my ex work pension and loans to fully and generously support/provide for my family.

School is a lot of work 10 hours a day currently, sometime 12 hours... I work hard during weekdays to have weekends off. When i get home i give wife a break from Kids, i clean up dishes from dinner, often input kids to sleep when inmake it home on time, every moring i make my breakfest but i make extra eggs knowing kids and wife will have food ready when they wake up. I wake up at 545 for school. I empty dishwasher to help get her day going.
I feel i do as much as i can at home and i support family so she doesnt have to work and all needs (food, clothes, etc...) are met.

Should i be doing more? Seems like we r arguing more and she often says she needs more help around house. I try to do additional cleaning on weekend... But i meed a break on weekdays after 10-12 hours of school which is a pretty intense day, back to back classes, labs, case studies and studying!

I dont feel more should be expected..: when im at home im a full time dad, always ask how my wife day went, listen to her, address her feeleing and needs... It just always comes down to tasks that need doing! And i feel she doesnt realize what i am doing every day IS work!

Opinions please... Am i out of line, is she, ???
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With your wife being a stay-at-home-mom, the children and household duties should be her responsibility. It sounds as though you are doing plenty around the house. You are correct; school is now "work" for you. Honestly, your wife should be making life easier for you around the house so that you can concentrate on school. It's for her benefit too.
 

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Waw,I am surprised to hear that you do breakfast ?? And for them wow,help with dishes ?? Are you kidding me,with my part time job at home,and taking care of the 2 kids my husband has never shoveld snow,or mowed the loan,clean the house or take kids to doctor appointment, school work ,volunteering ,shopping,you name it.it's all my duty while he have to take care of financial issues.that the norm and in your case 12 hours is exhausting enough to have any extra chores around home.the question is how many years can you cope with that? Are you strong enough to go all the way,you should have all her support.afriend of our his wife was so much help during his degree with 3 kids around she was there for him,after he achieved his goal and make lots of money she say it was worth it very happy couple I wish you the same down the road stay positive and be strong good luck :)
 

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Per the 5 love languages, you should really analyze what she's saying she wants more of. Sounds like either she's rebelling because she wants more quality time or she feels loved by acts of service.

You may solve some issues by simply substituting some of the things you called out with things that address the core of her complaints...
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Hi
Thanks for the opinions. Ive posted on here before, but just wanted to get opinions...
I do feel i do alot but wasnt sure its enough. Everyone always thi ks they are doing lots but an outside opinions is sometimes helpful. I

We will have a talk today about responsibilities as well as free time that each of us needs. I really want to help around house but definitly want to put my foot down when she starts wanting me to do "things" after school at 8-9 pm. I need that time to unwind thru conversation, a dinner, etc... Not scrubbing toilet!

One things thats difficult is if i even mention that i "support" our family financially, i get backlash big time! But its true...i dont get it and dont know how to even approach the conversation of responsibilities and my role of provider because if i do thatll trigger an argument or whatever...

I guess one thing is that what we each do is not comparable... I mean you cannot compare cleaning with watching kids or paying bills with cooking they arr all tasks that need doing but hard to compare therefore equalize... So i feel, thru her words and actions, that my contributions of financial support and studying to have a satisfying and stable job in Future are not viewed as being equal to taking care of kids, cooking, cleaning...so when im at home now i need to almost make up for my absence! Thats what i feel truly but she wont say... Just says she needs help?

Im really clueless bow to approach the division of tasks conversation tonight. Also how to approach the personal time issue. We each need time for ourselves but i feel as though. In the past she has said that she needs a break and goes to gyn etc... But im never asked if i need personal time to pursue something id like to do. Ive never asked because times short, i like spending time with kids, but id like to phrsue a personal interest which i would need 2 hours every week or two, fortunetly i have a couple breaks in my day to go to the gym to keep my sanity and health in check... But this soort of thing has the possibility to really bad for my health....

Any ideas how i can approach all this... Am i still within reason?
Thanks!
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Your family is being supported by your previous work pension and your financial arrangements regarding school. You are putting in an effort 10-12 hours a day so that your life long dream can be fullfilled and that your family will have a secure life.
In addition you do some domestic home chores to help your wife and children

Your wife is either selfish, has resentments, has self image problems, or is not able for some reason to realize that you are doing a good job of providing for your family now and are preparing for the future. What you are doing is sufficient and you should not back down.

My guess would be that there are a lot of women that would like to have you for a husband.

Any ideas how I can approach all this
I would first try with diplomacy to reason with her and if she holds to the position you have described then I would tell her that you are not about to change anything; that you are going to continue to support the family now and keep preparing for the future. Tell her that you are going to continue to sacrifice for the family and that you expect her to do the same and if she insists on causing problems in this area that you will have to look at your options and adjust accordingly.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks!! Its unreal to me how your answers all seem to indicate that im not wrong...and i do t get why my wife doesnt see it this way even a bit!

I will approach this tonight with some confidence and diplomacy!

To add to this, her young sister is here staying with us from her country and I am also providing her with shelter, food, and when we go out for dinner or drinks... I pay that bill too! And my wife makes these sorts of comment of needing help and me not doing enough right in fron of her younger sister (18 yrs old) ... Drives me nuts and i have already talked to her about it... Dont know if it has helped. I feel the help she needs could partly come from her sister since she lives with us and "part " of the family she could take on part of the responsibilities! Once again this is a trigger for a potential aguemwnt by my wife who is protective of her little sister... Wow this sounds like a conflict zone in Our house:(
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maybe acts of service is not her love language. Being a SAHM is often a tiring thankless job. Maybe she just needs to be appreciated or needs some quality time with you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
maybe acts of service is not her love language. Being a SAHM is often a tiring thankless job. Maybe she just needs to be appreciated or needs some quality time with you.
I have that covered as well and put our relationship as a priority! I have over the past year and a half work very hard at our marriage. I make dates, plans for vacations arrange baby sitter etc... Its actually me who feels thankless... She very rarely makes plans for us, initiates sex lets say, and i have been trying to talk about an escape to cancun in feb but it seems like she doesnt wanna discuss it ! I just dont know... Maybe the beginning of the end... I cannot be the door mat and have my needs ( adult time, sex, family relax time) not met for the rest of my life ! Still too young for that ... So frustrating!
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To add to this, her young sister is here staying with us from her country and I am also providing her with shelter, food, and when we go out for dinner or drinks... I pay that bill too! And my wife makes these sorts of comment of needing help and me not doing enough right in fron of her younger sister (18 yrs old) ... Drives me nuts and i have already talked to her about it... Dont know if it has helped. I feel the help she needs could partly come from her sister since she lives with us and "part " of the family she could take on part of the responsibilities! Once again this is a trigger for a potential aguemwnt by my wife who is protective of her little sister... Wow this sounds like a conflict zone in Our house:
This is what I think.... your wife is an "Acts of Service " woman...meaning she feels LOVED by you helping her around the house... some of that could be at Play here... and she is very spoiled and pampered, having zero idea of how the world really works and all you are doing for her & the family.

She is not pulling her weight..and I agree, her sister should he helping. I can't imagine going to someone's house and not trying to earn my keep somehow, that is just common courtesy ....can you talk to the sister somehow. A shame this subject even needs brought open.

This goes back to how we raise our kids I think ... to Do our part and be the best helpmate we can be... it's called "Interdependence" - so each partner pulls their own WEIGHT in the marriage, so neither is a BURDEN... your wife is being a BURDEN to you...

What is she doing with her time all day - to need your help?

She needs to learn some Multitasking skills - for sure.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
This is what I think.... your wife is an "Acts of Service " woman...meaning she feels LOVED by you helping her around the house... some of that could be at Play here... and she is very spoiled and pampered, having zero idea of how the world really works and all you are doing for her & the family.

She is not pulling her weight..and I agree, her sister should he helping. I can't imagine going to someone's house and not trying to earn my keep somehow, that is just common courtesy ....can you talk to the sister somehow. A shame this subject even needs brought open.

This goes back to how we raise our kids I think ... to Do our part and be the best helpmate we can be... it's called "Interdependence" - so each partner pulls their own WEIGHT in the marriage, so neither is a BURDEN... your wife is being a BURDEN to you...

What is she doing with her time all day - to need your help?

She needs to learn some Multitasking skills - for sure.
Well her sister does things though i dont what they are... She helps my wife with watching one of the kids if my wife is in a pinch and is late to pick up one of the kids... But tasks that are scheduled forget it! She takes out garbage sometimes.

Maybe thats one of her love languages but theres a high bar and from experience i can do lots and it WILL NOT be acknowledged!

I will attempt a talk but she may turn around and like in the past not want to talk about it! Its is ludacrous that she can explode and say these things but then not want to work on it.
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maybe acts of service is not her love language. Being a SAHM is often a tiring thankless job. Maybe she just needs to be appreciated or needs some quality time with you.
IF she wants "quality time" with him, she will bust her butt to get things done at home BEFORE he walks through that door....so they can relax a little - enjoy each other...and some time for the children.

We still have 5 kids at home.... I am a SAHM (with a few side jobs every week)... I do everything I can possibly do - so my husband doesn't have to lift a finger...that includes all cleaning, cooking, laundry, all the mundane stuff.. so when he hits that door... he can ...spend time with ME, with the kids, or get to any of those MANLY projects that I can't do....working on the car, broken stuff around the house, chainsawing / snowplowing , etc.

No way in this world would I ask him to help me with my stuff... that would be cutting into OUR TIME...I'd be mad at myself if I did that.

I seriously doubt this husband would treat her as if what she is doing is a "thankless Job"... this depends on the man I suppose, he is just asking that she does HER PART... after all, this could affect his performance in Medical School & their very future .... He needs HER support and help here!

My husband has always made me feel very "valuable"... I also handle all the bills, scheduling, $$, researching and still find time for TAM (too much time)... Him & the kids would be lost without MOM.... So yeah...it is important that the man supports his wife & validates her too.......

IN this man's situation though... She is clearly NOT pulling her weight. The scales are just not balanced.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
So i confirmed with my wife that we will talk after kids sleep. She also added that 80% of things arent tasks that can be written down... They r things like picking up my socks or bringing garbage bin ipstairs back to bathroom.

Im thinking im not going to get anywhere here. Im not perfect, yes i may leave my socks on floor in morning instead of putting them in to dirty basket but not always! I dont track what i do or when i forget and i also dont track things she doesnt do! I just dont care! But she apparently does but these things are impossible to track so she can easily say i dont do this and i just cant argue that! Or can try but will get nowhere! Wtf

Really! No one is perfect and i never make even a comment when lights left on or she leaves her shoes upstairs or doesnt prewash dishes well because our dishwasher isnt that good and food doesnt wash off! Omg there r millions of things that we do different and now im finding its these things that need doing?

Now i need advice when this sort of thing comes up later!!!
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One idea.... just listen to her. Ask her what she wants, repeat it back to her so that she feels HEARD.

If it's ridiculous, or if you think this conversation is going poorly.... then it's ok to say that you want to think about how to compromise. And ask her to think about a solution also, and that you can talk about it again tomorrow.

You don't have to get stuck in a circular argument, or a non-productive discussion. If it is looking that crappy, suggest marriage counseling, so that you two can learn to communicate and compromise...and make life better/easier for each other.

Then, pick up your socks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Well the conversation didnt go well... I listened but just dont get it and dont feel valued myself. She said the lists and schedules wont work because it is just about caring. Alright i asked what she meant. When ther is something on floor pick it up, etcc.... More tasks. Her day doesnt end at 8pm why should mine. So if i come at 8 i should be ready and happy to work. I mean im happy to bath kids and spend time with them but really not in mood to cut veggies and meat, to sweep... And i already usually do the stack of dishes in sink thats there about 50 % of time... Meanwhile getting up earlier to empty dishwasher snd cook extra brkfest wasnt even mentioned by her. You know ... She see socks on grou d but not a brewed pot if coffee, scrambled eggs empty sink and dishwasher ready to go!
This is endless... There are millions of things to get do e if thats how its looked at.

Im screwed!

I said i was underthe impression that if she's at home she would do those things. Simply because im not there. Her answer was 1) she needs help and its not fair, 2) she doesnt want to be a sahm, so shell look for pt time job. Ok but till now???

She said i dont care because basically i dont do certain things... Its weird because i do other things that i feel show i care and those arent acknowledged... Family finances, enrolled kids in class, got reduced rate ymca passs, and want family time, trying to organize vacation for the 2 of us, but that doesnt count... Im Actually depressed and lost and dont know what to do... Anything id is not enough and the things i dont like the organization of my underwear drawer is what shows my caring:(((((((

On top of it... Im a jerk for mentioning during a similar conversation 2 months ago that i support family financially! Wow
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