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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
I like coming here and reading people's post. It helps to read some peoples advice and their opinions on certain problems and compare them to my own opinions on the matter.

But now I need people's opinion on my situation.

On Thursday I read my fiance's phone message that came in and saw something about me. Of course I opened the whole conversation and read the emails. They where from him and some women who works in other company. She sends him invoices and they got chatty real fast.

From what I believe she just started working at her company on the 7th. Because that's the first email from her to him. Both from each others companies email. Ok so the one that caught my attention was on the 9th. Three days worth. I didn't get to read the ones on the 7th so I don't know how it went from professional to telling each other their life story.

But I do remember seeing there was 7 or 9 emails.

The 8th there were 25 back and forth between them all day till she went home. On the 9th it started with business questions that by now talk of drinking and hobbies where already discussed on the day before .he mentioned he was surprised he wasn't hung over because he drunk too much. Missing his mom who passed away last April from cancer. Her reply was she also lost her mother 3years ago and also drinks to cope. It continues from there about the pain and how she can help if needed. He says thank you. They stop for 30 so minutes and he goes into telling her how I just called him up to fight and I was leaving. Yes this did happen.

Yes I was very upset and I have a bad problem of saying I'm leaving when he hurts me . Instead of fixing it like adults. Yes he has asked me to stop because he hates it. Says they sound like games now. Anyways. My problem is what follows. There are 59 messages between them that ends in plans to get drinks after work..but only if I really did leave he will meet her.

There is so so much that I can't type forever and to get full view of how everything ended where it did I would have to post their whole conversation. Which is a total of 85.

If anyone here know how I can do this I will try.

If this has many mistakes and is confusing I apologize.
 

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You haven’t given us much information about your relationship other than YOU don’t fight fair. Threatening to leave is only going to work for a while, he’s probably not too bothered at this stage because your ultimatums are meaningless.
In my opinion he’s found a sympathetic ear with this woman.
And that’s what he seems to need.
 

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In October you posted that you thought he had created accounts on dating sites. Now this.

You have been with him for 4 years and are engaged? Is that right?

The emails you have found are inappropriate for an engaged man.

I would end a relationship if I found emails like that from my fiancé.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Yes in October I thought he created a dating account... not a regular one like match or tinder but one that looks more like porn. But it was spam email. I didn't no much about spam porn email or those scam emails that try to make you click an extra link to get your message from a **** who wants to blow you because her husband is out of town. I had his phone checked for all activity deleted...everything! Past deleted history even on emails...looked for hidden apps like I was advised here. It was spam emails 100% he never opened any kind of account.

But yes these emails are completely different
Total disrespectful. And I did leave, that night. He claimed that he found someone to vent to about the passing of his mom, of his pain and how he is having a hard time coping with it. since she reply that she also ,three years later has a hard time, got drunk and missing her mom as well.Said at the time that I upset him at work with yet another I'm leaving you ! It's over! He kept venting to her.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I'm also not ready to go back anytime soon.
The trust is gone. I have control issues and trust issues from past marriage. Control issues has been me since I started dating. Not bossy or mean. Just issues of control I need to fix . I will bring this problem to another relationship. I don't want to be like this anymore. And being honest I don't know if I'm ready to call this quits .
I
 

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Well, frankly, he is currently having an emotional affair. Google it if you need to.

From what you describe, he is about ready to move on. I don't really know what his other issues are, but the issues that you describe about yourself, are really hard to take for most men I think.

Not saying that to be mean.

So, you got choices to make. Do you love him? Do you want to work it out? Can he fix his issues? Can you fix yours?

Only you can decide what you want.

So, what do you want?
 

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All I can actually tell is that you're all over the map here and that he crossed a line by talking about your relationship with a woman at work.

However that mixed with you wanting to blow up the relationship from him getting a spam email, you admitting that you have control issues from your past marriage (as did I) leads me to believe that he's crossed some sort of boundary here... but that you're also crossing a bunch, too.

I mean, you're policing your fiancee's texts and emails and don't think this is a healthy relationship.

You're not ready for a trusting relationship. He's crossing lines. Sounds like a win/win here for you to pull the pin on this relationship. You'll be relieved, and he'll be relieved.
 

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I'm also not ready to go back anytime soon.
The trust is gone. I have control issues and trust issues from past marriage. Control issues has been me since I started dating. Not bossy or mean. Just issues of control I need to fix . I will bring this problem to another relationship. I don't want to be like this anymore. And being honest I don't know if I'm ready to call this quits .
I
Therapy. Individual. Probably for a long time, like at least a year.

Maybe EMDR. Look into it.
 

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I think everyone with an email account gets sexual spam emails. My spam folder is full of those. My husband's spam folder is also full of those.

In my opinion, you getting all paranoid about spam emails is a little bit over the top.

I think your husband is tired of dealing with your over the top behavior and went and looked for a shoulder to cry on. It's not acceptable, but that's what dealing with right now.

How did you support your husband when his mom passed away? Have you been jealous or suspicious of him before, and for how long?

I support the idea of you getting some IC to overcome your fears and MC to help you both overcome your relationship problems.

Did you get IC after your divorce?
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I don't think I came across good here. I have a hard time writing what I want to say/ mean
English is not my first language .

My ex husband cheated on me twice in our 13 year marriage. Once I had the feeling. He didn't come home and said it was because from his new business he was trying to start. That one I couldn't prove until three years later after the second one. I didn't snoop back then.
How I found out for sure on the second affair was his saying he was going to take our daughter to a birthday party from a co worker. He invited me but I had just had surgery two weeks prior so I said no . He had been distant and I had all those gut feelings. But no proof.
I was also ready to leave. So I didn't care but I did.i was just tired of all the lies.
I asked him to stay and for us to go do something as a family since it was the first Saturday he was around in months instead. He said no I already told our daughter.
So they go and I stay home. When they get back my daughter (5) comes home with a new purse and a toy still in box. Though it was strange she had gifts and he says ...baby show your mommy your toy..they gave out prices...like a raffle. She went up and picked that toy. My daughter agrees but looks confused. He says they also gave her that purse ..every kid got one.she also ate chocolate cake...at this my daughter says no. He says yes you did baby, remember there was a cake. She says yes...again confused.
So leave to Walmart to pick up something really quick...when we are alone in walmart my daughter turns to me and says mommy I have to tell you something but promise you won't tell daddy. I said what baby..she says ...we didn't go to a Birthday party, we went to chucky chesse.we also picked up a lady with her little boy.
She says daddy put his car seat in the garage.
Of course I'm pissed and confronted him.
He started to say the party was at chucky cheese. That the lady was dropped off because she asked for a ride home. Never picked up.
Then as my daughter says no daddy stop lying we picked them up. He starts yelling at her ...
Why are you lying...you little liar....you are causing really bad problems between your mom and me....she is 5 and looks so hurt but screams back you are lying...stop lying ( she didn't sound like a kid,she sounded so grown up) ( not saying it's a good thing, it breaks my heart she went through that) and he yelled at her with such anger you are not my daughter, you are causing so much trouble that when you grow up you are going to be sorry. I told him to leave. This all happened in less then a minute.
Turns out the girl he was having an affair with wanted to meet his daughter. So he put our daughter through that just to please his mistress
**** me, do what you want to me.im grown and stupid for staying...I chose him. But my daughter! I wanted to kill him.

He turned out to be the biggest liar, a professional!
A month before all this he said he was having a very important dinner with a potential businessman who may invest in his company.
He asked if I could help him go buy an outfit for the dinner, we went after work. I picked out his outfit. He leaves to the dinner the next day and asks our daughter to wish him luck. I found out later after the affair comes to light that it was a dinner he took his mistress to and proposed to her that night. Ring and everything.

We were still married living together.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Some one asked how I supported my fiance' with the lost of his mom. My fiance lived with his mom.he moved into her house two years before we started dating. She was having financial problems and was about to lose her home. I moved in during summer break after doing the weekend thing for a year. Just for the summer to see how that went. By then it was Thursday- Monday my daughter and I were sleeping over. Daughter has a room there so it was an easy change to do all the time. It was like I had two homes. Anyways his mom started getting sick at the end of summer and I stayed longer to help her since she had surgery. Later she had her gallbladder removed. She was losing weight and feeling tired. But during the gallbladder surgery doctor noticed pancreas had a dark spot they did a biopsy and she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October.so I stayed longer to take care of her. I was the only one who took care of her . I took her to the bathroom when she was too weak, gave her her medication. The last month was the scariest going into her room ,i didn't want to find her gone. She didn't want to go to hospice she wanted to stay in her home. I remember her last day before her passing. I took her to the restroom (I'm 5feet tall her 5'10)
And on her way back to her room she asked me to take her around her house. I did and she looked out the kitchen window and had still look I will never ever forget.and said it's so big outside. We took a turn around her house and back to her bed. Unfortunately the next morning she couldn't keep her morphine down and the pain was getting worse. I called the nurse from hospice and she came. It was time to move her. Her screams from pain where so hurtful. and when she was told they were taking her she called out for me. She said I'm not ready ( my name is here she can take care of me i. Not alone...again called my name..i was on the kitchen floor crying because I felt i let her down but i was alone with her. I couldn't anymore. I was scared i hadn't slept in days. She passed away hours later. She was in so much pain by then they had to date her when she go to the hospice . His brother her son was on his way but plane landed too late. My fiance thanked me every single day for what I did. My mom and the nurse thought I was going to need therapy.
My fiance and his mom were super close. They lived together and everyone joked that the umbilical cord was never cut. It hit him hard. Her biggest fear was he was going to kill himself. He already has PTSD from combat. Copes with drinking. His mom was an alcoholic when he was young but was 26years sober. She loved I came back into his life.
He calmed down from was nightmares. His binge drinking every weekend. He loves my daughter like his own.

How I'm bossy: me you can't go to your friends house after work for some beers . Why because some beers can easily turn into shots and driving home drunk.
I hate you going golfing:: why because he drinks while golfing and drives back home drunk because after golfing it's an hour at club house.and then he really drives drunk.
So me being controlling is for his own good.
Now he comes straight home. If he wants to drink it's ok,he's home.
Golfing. No over drinking and only the earliest round so he can be home early enough to be with his family. Me and our daughter.

God sorry so long on this post as well
I didn't even say how I comfort him from his mom's passing. He isn't in jail. Killed himself, lost his job.or dui. .
My daughter and me are around him at all times
Hugging him when he's sad. Making him laugh so he doesn't get into too deep depression. We give him a reason to be strong (his words ,we are his reason to live)
 

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Discussion Starter #14
How long after all that did you start dating your fiancé? How long have you been dating him?


Maybe a year later. But my fiance was my high school sweetheart. We broke up when he joined the marines..we stayed in contact here and there but once I got married I stopped. He was also my brother's best friend. We have been together since 2016.
 

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The engagement is the fun easy part of a relationship (and a test). Your fiance failed.

From your posts he has severe emotional problems (PTSD, suicide) and is an alcoholic - plus he is a cheater.

You deserve a more reliable life partner than an alcoholic with chronic emotional issues and mood swings. Plus your daughter needs a father she can look up to and respect.

Break off the engagement. Get IC for yourself as to why you let this guy into your life and why you tolerate him. Why? so you don't make the same mistake a 3rd time.
 

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He full of it and is having a EA possibly a PA he's already cheated on you already it your call but, do you still want him. This will continue because he a serial cheat. And is a dog and will always return to eat his own vomit. Why do you want to stay?
 
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