Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 93 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
There's nothing inherently bad about hsing.... I just never thought it would happen to my family.

We have two wonderful kids, 5 and 7. I fully supported my wife staying home to raise them during their early years, though her housework (cooking, cleaning, etc) did not meet my expectations and this is a recurring theme that causes her a lot of stress.

I have not supported our decision to homeschool our daughter for the last two years. The first time it came up, hs was touted as a way to navigate the uncertainty of my job/our living situation. I gave in, because I knew that I'm a better loser than she is, and am better equipped to deal with not getting my way. It's not about winning, but we had a decision to make.

It came up again last Feb, with enrollment starting for this year. We had originally agreed to try it for one year but I sensed this was turning long-term. I was determined to put an end to this, shutting-down the possibility of any discussion. Of course, it didn't work. This time, the argument was way worse. she gave in but she was so hurt, that I ended up giving in a second time, same reason as before. Later, she told me that she probably would have taken the kids if I had insisted. Had I been more supportive, she reasons, it would have been easier for her to quit hsing. Nobody likes to be kicked in the @$$ on the way out. Applying pressure, like I did, seemed to backfire. On the other hand, I didn't want her to think I was ok with it.

That brings us to today. There's really no end in sight. It's the greatest source of saddness in my life right now, and I haven't even gotten into why.

I'll get to that, but for now, I have one question... Have you ever supported your spouse on something you couldn't agree on? I'm talking major issues. What was the outcome? How did you learn to live with it?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
411 Posts
What's the real problem here? Is it the money lost because she's not working?
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,680 Posts
You have got to give more info on why hsing is making you sad. What's going on?

It's not wise to support a spouse in something that affects your children if you do not agree with it. Where there is disagreement you fall back on the 'norm'. The 'norm' is not hsing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
I guess sadness is just one emotion that I feel. Sometimes it's anger.

For the record, I think my wife is doing an ok job of it, and my kids appear to be happy, though my daughter really craves friendship. I will fight the urge to spell out every little thing I dislike about homeschool. Here are my top three.

1. I'm no longer proud of my wife. She has a masters degree. I was proud of her when she was working. Proud of her as a SAHM. But philosophically, I have a hard time with hs. I know the kids typically do well academically and contrary to the popular argument, I believe most develop acceptable social skiills. But I feel like she's sacrificing a good portion of her life to produce these super-kids and I don't think it's worth the sacrifice. I think our kids will have happy productive lives regardless of where they're schooled. I want her to do something extraordinary with her own life. Most of our parents hoped that we would make some positive contribution to this world. We hope the same for our kids...... I feel like hs simply passes this hope to the next generation without any real contribution. To me, raising great kids is just the baseline. I work and I am making a positive difference. I have a great relationship with my kids. I don't need to sacrifice my personal aspirations to be a good parent. So that leaves her; she enjoys this lifestyle, and how, I wonder, can I disapprove of something she's happy with? That's a tough one for me. I just feel her life is so boring. It mostly consists of taxi cab service, art projects, and chores. I know that many husbands support their wife's decision to hs but I really wanted something more for her. She was let go from her last job in 2004, and hasn't worked since. Sometimes I think, maybe hs is a cover, and she just doesn't know what to do. I actually have to stop for now but I'll hopefully write more tomorrow. I'm sure I will draw criticism for some of my remarks and that's fine. In my head, these thoughts are still a work in process.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
66 Posts
For most women raising their children is priority #1 it IS a job.

Have you asked your wife if she is happy? It sounds like you two could use some communication time to sit down and talk about your life together. Ask her what her aspirations are, try to listen and not let your aspirations for her interfere.

Home Schooling isn't the problem, the problem is you think your wife is not living up to her potential.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,290 Posts
For most women raising their children is priority #1 it IS a job.

Have you asked your wife if she is happy? It sounds like you two could use some communication time to sit down and talk about your life together. Ask her what her aspirations are, try to listen and not let your aspirations for her interfere.

Home Schooling isn't the problem, the problem is you think your wife is not living up to her potential.
Bingo.

You said you were proud of her being a SAHM? Are you sure about that? I ask because throughout your explanation about why you don't agree with her homeschooling your kids, you repeatedly said, or at least implied, that she has much more potential than "just" teaching your kids. In which field is her degree? I'll be honest. I know women who homeschooled their kids and then they went back to school to continue their education. They had degrees before, but this made them more appealing in the workforce.

Some kids I know NOW are being homeschooled because they were being bullied and the administration did nothing about it. Where before they were failing, now they are thriving. I'm not saying this is what happened to your children. But, some women believe their kids are their greatest accomplishments.

In choosing to teach your children herself, she is making their education a high priority. She wants them to have the best education possible, as far as she is concerned, to make them more productive members of society when they are grown. If I were to guess, I would say that she views your kids as a more important legacy to leave behind than a pile of money. Yes, with a Master's degree, she has great earning potential. But she, likely, values the kids' education more.

But, that is all JMO. If I had the patience to homeschool my own kids, I would. I did start with my oldest, but when the youngest two were babies/toddlers, I couldn't continue. I don't regret teaching him myself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,207 Posts
I actually share your sentiments. When we chose a partner one of the things we consider in compatibility is career aspirations. When you hooked up and she got her masters I'm sure you saw your wife in that role.

If my wife lost her job and wanted to homeschool I would be 100% against it. Without even getting into my thoughts on home schooling I'd prefer it if she acheived her goals and aspirations. If those goals have changed, I think she should discuss that with you. But just being honest, I don't know if I could live with a wife who's sole purpose in life was the kids.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
To say you are no longer proud of your wife because she isn't the big career woman that you would like her to be, is a selfish statement. It sounds like you get YOUR self-worth from being able to say your wife has "X" career. Think about it...if money is not an issue, and she feels fulfilled, and doesn't regret not using her master's degree at this point in her life, where does the disappointment come from??

I don't know what your career is, but it's pretty safe to say that there are a fair amount of people who would consider what you do "so boring".

and no, I'm not a SAHM/homeschooler...I just think so far your argument is pretty self-centered and lame.;)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,888 Posts
I'm a SAHM and I really debated with myself if I were to homeschool my 2 youngest or youngest daughters. My girls get plenty of social interaction with neighborhood kids and friends from their sports teams and horseback lessons. There are several ways for your wife to get your children involved in social activities. Especially with other homeschooled children.

My oldest daughter, now graduated was bullied the entire 4 years of high school by one girl. This girl did illegal drugs and smoked cigarettes. I knew this bully child and the school did NOTHING about it. So much for their zero bullying tolerance policy. We had meeting with several teachers, school councilor and principle. This girl never quit. It impacted my daughter in a very negative way and there was nothing the school did to even try to fix the issue.

I do not have my masters degree in anything. I only have a 2 year associates degree in general classes of a community college. I do not feel qualified enough to teach through high school years. My husband could, he teaches in 2 colleges part time night and online. However, we own a small business and he works full time managing a department with a large city. He is insanely busy, plus he's training for another Ironman for next year. My husband chooses to work 3 jobs, I've tried talking him into shutting down our business.

I do not have anything against homeschooling and neither does my husband. My husband encouraged me to quit my job to stay home and raise the children. He knew once I did this that the likelihood of me returning to work would be minimal. Well, now it's never due to a major injury a few years back.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
411 Posts
For the record, I think my wife is doing an ok job of it, and my kids appear to be happy, though my daughter really craves friendship.
I wouldn't worry about the social aspect of it. I went to normal school and I still felt alone. I've also met home school people who had large circles of friends. It's more about the person than the environment.

1. I'm no longer proud of my wife. She has a masters degree. I was proud of her when she was working.
Does she know you feel this way?

But I feel like she's sacrificing a good portion of her life to produce these super-kids and I don't think it's worth the sacrifice.
Maybe show her some studies about why helicopter-parenting tends to destroy children instead of help them.
link 1 - helicopter parenting creates neurotic, needy children
link 2 - helicopter parenting causes anxiety in children
link 3 - helicopter parenting makes kids fat

I can confirm these. My best friend had an overbearing mother and it did all of those things. He's neurotic, emotionally needy, has extreme social anxiety, and he has been fat most of his life for that exact reason - you can't do X because it's too dangerous. X could be swimming, skateboarding, going to a concert, etc. It tends to destroy the kid's self esteem because the message put across is: you're too stupid to do things on your own, so I must do them for you.

What type of degree does she have? It is an MRS degree?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Maybe show her some studies about why helicopter-parenting tends to destroy children instead of help them.
link 1 - helicopter parenting creates neurotic, needy children
link 2 - helicopter parenting causes anxiety in children
link 3 - helicopter parenting makes kids fat

I can confirm these. My best friend had an overbearing mother and it did all of those things. He's neurotic, emotionally needy, has extreme social anxiety, and he has been fat most of his life for that exact reason - you can't do X because it's too dangerous. X could be swimming, skateboarding, going to a concert, etc. It tends to destroy the kid's self esteem because the message put across is: you're too stupid to do things on your own, so I must do them for you.
?
You're making a huge leap here. Homeschooling parents do not equate to "helicopter" parents.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,104 Posts
A woman's priorities do sometimes change once they have children. I was once a high powered executive and then as they say a baby changes everything. After that the only thing that mattered to me was my husband and my children. I've been a homemaker for 9 years now. I don't see me as boring though. If done well homemaking is a 24/7 job and I don't home school.

I also don't feel like I've sacrificed my life to raise kids. They have their lives, friends, and interests. And I have mine. It almost sounds like your concern is that your wife focuses on the kids too much and less on other things. Her life is unbalanced.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
404 Posts
Bingo.


In choosing to teach your children herself, she is making their education a high priority. She wants them to have the best education possible, as far as she is concerned, to make them more productive members of society when they are grown. If I were to guess, I would say that she views your kids as a more important legacy to leave behind than a pile of money. Yes, with a Master's degree, she has great earning potential. But she, likely, values the kids' education more.
I agree 100% with Maricha. I homeschool my kids, and this is exactly how I feel. Like your wife, I also have a Master's degree. I'm willing to sacrifice anything for my children. Sure, we could be making substantially more money if we put the oldest two in school and the youngest two in daycare. But I would rather focus my attention on my children and do without the extras right now. So would my husband.

Now, I do also work part-time from home. But it's very minimal, and that's how I want to keep it. My husband is very supportive of homeschooling our children, and he would actually prefer that I quit working entirely. However, I do like to have an outlet, and the extra money that I make is nice.

Maybe you should try to change your perspective on what you wife is doing. She is investing in your children and your family. As your children get older, it might be possible for her to find a part-time job so that she is using her Master's degree. And they won't be children forever. I know I won't regret my decision when they are grown and I return full-time to the work-force. I might never have the earning potential that I could have if I had worked for years full-time in my field, but money and success can't replace the time I have with my children.

I also wanted to add that at this very moment my seven-year-old is reading a chapter book on the couch to my three-year-old. I wouldn't trade these moments for anything. He is also reading substantially above his grade level. And I'm not meaning to brag about his "smartness." I'm his mother--of course I think he is smart. The point I'm trying to make is that homeschool done right can really help your child meet his/her full potential. You can tailor homeschool to meet each child's individual needs. I have watched my children blossom and excel in this way. It's priceless.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,636 Posts
A woman's priorities do sometimes change once they have children. I was once a high powered executive and then as they say a baby changes everything. After that the only thing that mattered to me was my husband and my children. I've been a homemaker for 9 years now. I don't see me as boring though. If done well homemaking is a 24/7 job and I don't home school.

I also don't feel like I've sacrificed my life to raise kids. They have their lives, friends, and interests. And I have mine. It almost sounds like your concern is that your wife focuses on the kids too much and less on other things. Her life is unbalanced.
I do think priorities can change. However, one thing I detect from the OP is that his wife changed her mind without really discussing it with him. The sense I get is that she used other factors as an excuse, and has now set this up as a hard boundary (see her comment about taking the kids if he did not allow the home schooling). So I see two problems here:

1. He is judging his wife on her (lack of) carreer choice and seems to be applying his values as to how boring it is, when in fact she might find it very fullfilling; and

2. She changed her mind on her carreer and was never honest about it with him. While that may be her recognizing that he would not approve, she still owes it to him to be honest about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,290 Posts
FTR, my older two kids are in public schools. I like the teachers they have had here. My daughter's kindergarten teacher was moved up to first grade and is her teacher again this year. We, now, live in a very small town. This school has a strict "no bullying" policy...and they uphold it. But I can honestly say that if there were issues we could NOT resolve, I would pull them from the school and teach them at home. There are excellent curricula available for each grade. I do what is best for my children. Right now, this school system is best for them.

Now, I understand why Costa feels as he does about home schooling, since he is an educator. It is understandable. However, some parents try to put their kids in the schools, only to have them bullied. Not just by the students, but the teachers as well! How well do you think a child would perform under these circumstances? And, these same students, when placed on a home school curriculum, end up excelling... where before, they were failing. For some parents/children, home school is a disaster. For others, the children excel, even in social skills.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
970 Posts
Homeschooling is illegal in Sweden, besides I think that homeschooling inhibits social interactions of the child. But as costa says.... "Fascinating"
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
411 Posts
You're making a huge leap here. Homeschooling parents do not equate to "helicopter" parents.
I can't send my child to public school. What if the other kids call him names? I need to protect him at all times!!!!
That's basically the definition of helicopter parenting - refusing to let them fight their own battles and learn things.
 
1 - 20 of 93 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top