[BlueKitten]

Hi there, I'm the new gal on the block.

Been married 13 yrs, but living with him 17 yrs. He is 8 yrs older than me. I have 3 children, the oldest is grown, the younger two are with my husband and 11 and 12. I want out but afraid to ask for a divorice. There are soooo many reasons. Where do I begin?

He is grumpy and moody. A type A personality and a control freak. Never been abusive to me in a physical sense (my previous relationship was) but he is very controlling over everything (from finances to kids to how I empty the dishwasher). Ugh. Worse part is, our middle child (his only son) gets a lot of crap from my husband. He is bossy, and expects my son to be the best at everything. He loves him but is so hard on him and yes, when my son pushes back, my husband has gotten physical with him.

He has never held a job for very long, always job to job....Past 7 yrs, I have pretty much carried the entire financial burden. He says he cant find a job. Regardless, he has had probably over 12 or more jobs since I have known him and cant hold them.

Last year he got really sick (since he lost his job again....he had no health insurance) and that put us in dept THOUSANDS of dollars. Whats worse is they dont know what is wrong with him, only that he has some rare anemia, needs his spleen removed and they need to biospsy his neck. Of course, we have no money for any of that but it has to be done. Now, his teeth are falling out. Ugh.

I know that I made a vow, better or worse, sickness and health. But I feel so jaded. He is not only mean but a huge financial and emotional burden to me. I do not love him but stick with him because I don't want to tear up the family, I am afraid of being alone and I don't like to kick a man when he is down.

I want to divorce but understand that I might have to pay him support! (Which is not fair since he has been sponging off me all this time and I barley make the bills as it is). Also, I am afraid of him. Will he get violent? Do I just leave and take the kids? Or is that kidnapping? Do I have him served divorce papers at the dinner table and sit there like a sitting duck worried he might go crazy on me or the kids? How do I do this? He knows all my passwords, my ss #, etc...how do I know he doesn't harm me?

Where do I begin? I feel like I am stuck. Can anyone help?

 

[EleGirl]

There's a lot going on here. Perhpas you would more likely to get out if you solved some issues about him first.... or at least had a plan for where he would go, etc.

Does he have anyone he can move in with... like a family member?

Is he a veteran?

I assume that he has idiopathic anemia. How bad is it? has he been on steroids to manage it? Or does he need steroids?

(What state do you live in?)

Since he's very emotionally/verbally abusive, yes there is a chance that he would get physical.

You need a very good plan. Have you been going to counseling for the abuse? Get in touch with a center that helps abused spouses. You can get the counseling you need and they can help you set up an exit plan.

You say that he hits your son. I assume this is not a spanking. How hard does he hit your son? Maybe you need to call the police the next time he does this. You need to establish that domestic violence is a problem in your home. Plus you need to be protecting your son.

You will also need to speak to an attorney about the abuse and how to get him out of the home.

Depending on the situation, you moving the kids out could be viewed as kidnapping. Yet another topic for discussion with an attorney.

Make sure that you get a copy of all financial paperwork and store it outside your home in a safe place. This way if you have to move out in a hurry you have access to everything still.

Change all of your passwords. You can create email counts, etc that he does not know about for communications that you do not want him to see.

Do you have joint checking/savings accounts with him? If so open accounts in your name only and start to put money in them so that if you have to leave the house quickly you have access to funds. Have the mail from these accounts to the address of family or friends…or get yourself a PO Box.

One way to serve him might be when you are not at home since he's not working.

Legally you cannot kick him out of the house. You can ask him to leave but he does not have to. It’s his legal residence.

Do the two of you own the home you live in?

Start an exit/divorce plan… the above are a few of the things you need to put on it. Get your plan and start working it. When you are working the plan, you only need to worry about doing the next step... not about how to leave him. So for each step you only need a little bit of courage.

Journey of a 1000 miles starts with one step

 

[BlueKitten]

Hi EleGirl,

Thank you for your reply. I tried to respond last night, but you know who walked in the room so I had to sign off.

He does have family near by, but I doubt they would take him in. Before I met him, he was homeless for a short time after loosing his home and business.

Not a vet.

We live in California.

Yes, he has AutoImmune Idopathic Anemia. He almost died last December was very sick but didnt know it. His hemoglobin was at 4 when I took him to the ER. Had 4 transfusions and in the hospital one week. He is/was on sterroids....but getting off because they want to remove his spleen. (Wow, you really know a lot about this, are you in the medical field?) They also found something in his neck they want to biopsy but dont seem to be in too big of a hurry.

I feel guilty about seeking help from a shelter since I am not "physically" abused. I would be o.k. with spanking, if done in love and on the behind, especially when they were young. But my husband does his displine in anger and its not on the butt...and the kids are older now. Sometimes it could be a slap on the face or picking him up and throwing him. When ever I defend my son, my husband gets mad at me and says I am not backing him and I am a terrible wife.

We have joint accounts and both our names are on the mortgage.

Thank you for the advice. An exit plan, eh? I like that. I also like the advice about coping records and keeping outside the house. Excellent ideas! I am so close to the situation that I cannot see past the nose on my face. Thank you so much.

 

[Pepper123]

BK get in touch with YWCA in CA... They can help you with ext plans, counseling, etc.in abusive relationships, including verbal.
If he does get physical, it negates his ability to collect alimony.
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[pandorabox]

Hey Blue Kitten. So sorry about your situation.
When my husband had his depression he would go after kids. I told him clearly he needs to go on the pills and I will not allow ANY aggression in my house. I said I WILL call the cops. he would same the same as yours - bad unsupportive wife. I told him I will back him up if he acts like human. You have to keep your ground on it. The kids may stand up for themselves and that's very dangerous territory.

I suggest you lodge official separation papers - not sure about US but here partner doesn't need to know.

My husband even divorced his 1st wife without her knowing.

Start preparing yourself for what you going to do. Slowly start going towards separation, change passwords, open new bank account in your own name and start putting money aside. That would be your first steps.