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This is my first attempt to get outside advice beyond my friends and maybe this might actually help. I apologize if this is the wrong forum for this. It is my first time to this site. Also this most likely is going to be a long and pathetic story.

Here is my situation:

My gf and I were in a committed relationship and everything was basically great. We lived together. Loved each other, really enjoyed hanging out and being with each other. I thought I’d be married to her by now. Then after almost 2 years together she told me she was pregnant. YIKES!!

When she told me she was pregnant I was taken aback and terrified. I told her that I was not ready to have children. We discussed options for weeks but I knew she wanted to keep the baby from the get go.

So what does an unprepared and unaccepting new father to do? Takes out frustration and anger on the mother. We basically fought for the length of her pregnancy and when I lost my job (shortly after my son was born) she had already mentally "broken up" with me and moved home with her parents. Since then I’ve realized my epic error in behavior and have done just about everything I can to patch up things. This was over a year ago now.

I should add that even though we fought I never cheated on her or touched her. Nothing abusive.

Establishing and maintaining a relationship with my son was the first step. And I do see him almost every day. Thank god!!! This is the time that also gives me a chance to talk to her about our relationship. But she won’t have any of it. In her eyes it’s over. It has been over and there is nothing I can do about it. And proceeds to get resentful and angry. Her favorite retort is "You created the situation."

However despite my best efforts and pleads she will never forgive me for treating her the way I did. I know this because she explicitly reminds me just about every day. This grudge is keeping us from ever becoming a family.

I think everyone must believe we are simply going through a rough patch. That time might heal wounds. Reality says otherwise. She makes sure I know we are not in a relationship. We are not boyfriend/girlfriend. And most recently actually said that I won’t be getting what I want. Meaning we won’t ever be a family. I know this is starting to sound blameful. But I take full responsibility for my initial behavior.

Over the course of the last year we have had a rollercoaster of good times and bad times. Over the summer it seemed to be getting better. She started telling me she loved me again and was looking forward to living together. It appeared like things were working out. But as the highs came so did the lows. Right as it seemed like it was going well her attitude changed and then she became distant and would get angry over the most trivial things. And after a few weeks of that it would seem to get better again.
This cycle has repeated itself over and over. The difference is when it hits the low point she’s more clear and specific about our future together.

I know I will never be able to convince her to be with me again. But what do I do?

To make matters even worse I discovered that she has been communicating with her ex. she maintains that it’s strictly platonic and he’s simply being a nice guy checking in on her. Gross. I never heard of any guy maintaining relationships with exs just to be friends. But that’s just me. Then I find out she had him over to her place. He met our son and everything. I almost lost my mind. How did I find all this out? She leaves her phone out and it’s almost too much not to look. She has been so secretive and distant I just wanted to see what was going on. It makes me sick and my eyes go blurry just thinking about it. I do admit that it was wrong to look at her phone and I apologized for invading her privacy. But then she makes me feel bad that I found out about her meeting. So now she’s making liars out of her parents too by keeping these details of hanging out with her favorite ex-boyfriend.

Obviously it’s gone from bad to worse. She says that I need help, that I am the problem. It very well could be. But I’m just trying to be there for our son. I’m not provoking or demanding we get back together. I was hoping that it would happen naturally.
God! Reading over this makes it sound so dismal. It’s important to me that my son has an emotionally healthy upbringing. My parents got divorced when I was young and it was terrible. No matter how positive or negative my parents were it definitely had an effect on me. I just don’t want to do that to my son.

Well? What do you think? Is there any salvaging of our relationship? Should I just drop it and move on? Will avoiding the topic with her about our relationship do anything more than cause another toxic blowout down the road? Should I go completely the other direction and propose just to see?

I’m finding myself coming home and drinking just so I can pass out and forget about it.

sigh.
 

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Hmmm...didn't catch your age in there...let me give you my experience with someone who had a situation similar-my high school best friend got his girlfriend pregnant. They ended up in a similar dynamic, although he hadn't created quite the issue you did, she was extremely immature. So much in fact, that she constantly tried to teach the baby phrases like "my daddy sucks".

They finally split completely, with him having visitation. She ended up living with another guy for several years. Finally, after they both grew up some, they ended up back together, have been happy for the last 12 or so years, and have a daughter together too.


It sounds like you created a mess, time to back off the pressure, live your life, and hope for better timing in the future.
 

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You are not going to want to hear this but here goes. I too got knocked up with my boyfriend. It was scary for both of us. Every thought you can imagine goes through your head as a pregnant woman who didn't plan for this. I was sick with worry, scared and physically ill. Had he at any point taken out his anger at the situation on me, given that he was 50% responsible for the pregnancy, that would have been the very last moment in our relationship as a couple.

You two have a son together so you will be in each others lives for the rest of them but you need to respect her and more importantly believe her when she says that she is done. She is DONE. Also, what business is it of yours to snoop through her phone. You are not her boyfriend or her husband. You are the father of her child and that's it. You say you want a stable upbringing for your son, then respect his mother enough to stop forcing yourself in to her life. She has made her wishes very clear.

I am sorry that you are going through this. You need to stop the pity party, stop drinking and become the father your son needs you to be. I know you love him and one of the most loving things you can do for him is to show his mother that you respect her. Let her be.
 
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