Yesterday while trying to resolve an issue with phone bills, I stumbled across one month I had previously ignored from last January where my WS and the OM exchanged texts over 1200 times. I wasn't digging and I've been trying hard to put it all behind me. It just hit me in the face as a trigger. I then couldn't get information about recent billing because I didn't know the passcode and security questions and the account was in my wifes name. Another trigger from the days where she was changing everything to hide things from me. She doesn't remember doing it. Long story short, I lost it and sent it texts asking what was going on that month and telling her I wanted EVERYTHING in my name because I was tired of being told I couldn't get information. I also texted her I was imploding with pain and getting very angry. This was all when she was at work. She was extremely torn up and fearful of coming home. Today she went to IPsych and he told her she never needed to take that kind of abuse. She told me when she got home she couldn't live with that. I told her I was doing my best to get over the 20 years of cheating and 3 men and she needed to understand and accept that I would sometimes loose control. It has only happened with this level of response once in two months since we started to reconcile and one other minor time. I feel as though I need to be cut a little bit of slack and more praised than bounced for a few events. She said she just can't handle it and is dealing with her problems from guilt and deserves consideration as well. I feel like she is telling me I can't ever get angry and I don't feel like there is ANY relationship out there that doesn't have strong arguments once in a while. She has said the hurt she has felt when I get mad is what drove her away. I responded that it was no excuse for her affair - she alone made the decision to go for comfort elsewhere and a sexual affair instead on asking for marriage counseling. I told her it has been hard to put it behind me and deal with it and thought I needed to commended for how well I was doing but I could never guarantee it wouldn't happen again. My PTSD when it happens makes it impossible for me to shut down and walk away. I told her I would do my best to pull back and not text or email and would also have to stop talking until I settled down. I also told her I felt she need consider what was happening to me and comfort me not attack back like she did yesterday. Consider what was happening and not take it so personally which she always does and in the past ran away to the OM.
Am I expecting too much? I feel like this new psychiatrist is treating her alone and not considering the MC and R going on or what I've been through. We don't have another mC session until Monday and she is going to her Nieces for a babay shower this weekend. I feel like I did when things were real bad and don't think it can wait. She seems to think we need to resolve it at MC and stop talking about it. We will she when gets home later. I'm wound up tight and feel like I'm going to explode becuase it feels like she isn't committed even though she says she is.
Am I expecting too much? I feel like this new psychiatrist is treating her alone and not considering the MC and R going on or what I've been through. We don't have another mC session until Monday and she is going to her Nieces for a babay shower this weekend. I feel like I did when things were real bad and don't think it can wait. She seems to think we need to resolve it at MC and stop talking about it. We will she when gets home later. I'm wound up tight and feel like I'm going to explode becuase it feels like she isn't committed even though she says she is.