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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
"Before we start, I want you to understand that I'm not trying to control you. I just need you to understand how some things make me feel
and the boundaries that I must have to be in this relationship. If you don't want to abide by these boundaries, that is your choice and
I cannot change that, but every relationship has to have boundaries, and we both have some already that we need to work on. Some
important ones are:

I don't feel loved when you talk with your exes, and I don't think you would either. It's not too much to ask that you don't talk to
your former lovers and people you've had sex with. You wanted me not to talk to people who I never even had sex with, and knowing that
you and someone shared that once is very hurtful. I am only yours and always will be, but it's a constant reminder to me when you talk
to these past lovers that you have not only been mine. I really don't want you to be offended by that, but there is no other way to
show you how I really feel.

Hiding things is also something that is a big problem in our relationship. I don't want you to hide it when you are hurt by something I
say, because then I can't fix it. I also don't want you to hide things you say to other people, because that means you that it would
be hurtful to me, and if you loved me then you wouldn't do it. I want full honesty and transparencey in this relationship, from you and
I will offer you the same thing. If one of us is saying things to other people, i don't want the other to ever have to doubt or assume
that it is the worst thing possible, which is what happens with secrets and when we hide things from each other. I realized recently
that you have been hiding the brandon thing for some time because the last I knew you were saying brandon wouldn't talk to you or was
hurt when terry would mention him. Now I find out you have been sharing all kinds of personal things about our relationship and talking
with him more than pretty much anyone. If you think about this situation turned on you, it's worse than the linda thing. I'm not trying
to make you feel bad or anything or get on you, but I just want you to think how it makes me feel and how it would make you feel.

As far as terry, that is just something that is going to take more time, and me and you need to be in a better place in our relationship
before I can really handle it. I think this is more than fair as you did hurt me deeply with her and I think that gives me a right to
have you consider my feelings and move at my pace. I can't control my hurt and thus it seems only fair I don't have to endure any more
pain than I have to.

I am hesitant to move to Cali, but have come to the point where I will do it for you, but it needs to be to a point where I don't stand
to lose everything. I need full custody so that I can feel confident in moving down there that if things get rough you will not simply
jump ship and leave me, and if you do give up on us, that at least I can take care of Evie, which you know is very important to me.
I'd be giving up everything I wasnt willing to only because I love you and want things to work, but say you are happy there and Im not,
you would probably just stay there. And if that's what you have to do to be happy, then so be it, but I want
to have one good part left out of our relationship."

He always says i make him sound bad when i talk to my friends about our relationship, i was hiding what i was venting. I feel like i cant tell anything to him without him flipping out or turning it around on me.

The brandon guy who i dated briefly 7 years ago is now dating my best friend terry.

Me and my current bf had a long distance relationship where i had cheated on him with my best friend terry, i was young and bi-curious. I had cheated on him several other times in the first week i got with him because i viewed him as an online relationship that nothing would ever come out of, mentality of 17 year old.

I've been with him for over 5 years now, we have a child. The linda thing is when he messaged an ex of his trying to get her back by while i was pregnant. He was saying he was single with just his dog and how depressed he was.

I have not hinted, made any effort, not want to pursue a relationship with brandon nor anyone else, nor does he want to pursue one with me. He is just an old friend just like my best friend terry, i couldnt imagine a life without her. I had stopped talking to her(and every other friend) for pretty much our entire relationship or 5 years until recently.

I had just got fed up with not having anyone to talk to about how he was treating me. Ever since i started talking to her he has flipped his attitude. Saying i needed to spend more time with him. He has been buying me lots of stuff which he has never ever ever done before.

I have had trouble making friends in this new area for the last 5 years. I havent left the house without him the entire time i've been with him. he said he would be fine with me hanging out with friends since the last time he didnt want me to hang out with two girls who where lesbians, because they where lesbians. he said i could go but got moody about it and it had stipulations attatched so i ended up canceling. I made a friend at work and she wanted to take me out to go shopping and he says "oh i was going to take you out on a special date, i was going to do something special for you" i told him i had 2 days off before that we could spend together. he ended up huffly saying no its fine you can go.

He has never taken me out on a date(EVER) so i was suprised that the only random day i picked to hang out with my new friend he says he has something special planned and going out.

I was witholding sex due to bleeding problems and he was getting moody over it. When i then demanded more passionate sex rather then wham bam 10 minutes for him every other day sex he got defensive. He says my bleeding is effecting me hormonally, that i needed to get check out. He sais that for more passionate sex i had to switch my schedule at work to have more time with him because he cant fit it in, or i had to just give him his ****ty sex or leave the relationship because he cant do less sex with more romance to it.

We broke up for like 10 minutes he ranted on fb then came in and said he would like to try at the relationship, that i needed to tell him how i felt more because he would say mean things and he said he was always joking. His action are also cruel, he left me and my child to walk for 10 minutes in the cold instead of driving us one more block to our place. He said "if you would have told me it was such a big deal i would have dropped you off" He wanted me to go to the store with him and i declined so he said he would just leave me at the end of the block. I figured its pretty much showing how much he cares about me and our child to do that.

Im really trying to give this another shot, but every day i keep doubting myself and remembering the ways he's showed me how much he didnt care. Despite what he says about loving me, his actions in the past say no.

He told me he had a chance to cheat on me while i was declining him sex while bleeding and he didnt take it(craigslist hookers?) why was he even looking?

He has said he would kill me if i ever took his daughter away from him. He is planning on buying a gun to go deer hunting he says. I dont feel safe with a gun in the house and him saying this. when i asked him about it he said he wasnt sure what he would do if he lost our daughter, maybe he would kill me, or himself.

He said that i wouldnt be a good parent to her solo and he would prove i had mental problems. Then after we make up he says im a wonderful mother?

He says i dont tell the full story to my friends and there by make him sound bad. perhaps try and take this from his side(hard because you dont get much into it but his message to me) Ask any questions about him i will answer.

thanks for reading all of this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
He has also cheated on me but says its not cheating since he was pressured into it (male) which he's done before me.

He says that it doesnt make any difference and i shouldnt feel bad about it like he does about my friend terry.
 

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You two are toxic to each other! Are you REALLY going to consider staying in this relationship where you've BOTH cheated, you've BOTH been dishonest, YOU have to take the blame for cheating, but HE APPARENTLY gets a 'pass' on HIS cheating, he doesn't buy you things (how are your finances), he doesn't take you on dates (there are lots of 'FREE' or 'LOW COST' dates)?

He treats you like cr*p, and you let him. You bad-mouth him, are too needy (can't make friends w/o him), and still talk to old lovers.

Move to California. Without him. Get into some IC and give yourself some TIME to GROW UP. You and he are both WAAAAY too immature and full of drama! Spare yourself and your child this cr*ptastic lifestyle and move on.

He would shoot you or himself if you split from him with your daugther?!?
 

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Do you really love this guy?? Are you ready to risk your and your daughter's life for him? Because anyone that threatens you should be taken VERY seriously! My advice would be - run!! I realize that you are both very young but this sounds so dangerous and he is a control freak. Wanting to take you out on the one day you had something planned - not a coincidence. Yes, the cheating stuff was bad and immature BUT there are bigger issues here now. Confide in your parents or some trustworthy older adults. I think you need help in getting away from him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Our finances now are fine, but he didnt start buying stuff until i started to back away from him. Before he could care less if i was cold he would keep the air running all night and say i could put a coat on. now he buys be fluffy socks, blankets, and keeps the heat on. All the while i hear the im so hot, im keeping it on for you. every time he does something for me he lets me know how much he's going out of his way for me.

We took one date in this whole 5 years then went back half way through for our daughter, we ate at the same place we always do just minus her.(the cheap chinese restaurant he always wants to go to)

I cant make friends in this area because i feel like i cant connect to anyone. I had a really rough childhood and have trouble talking to people face to face/showing the more energetic less shy me. The making friends part is totally on my part but he hinders any chance i do find. Im extremly picky with friends because i hate to open up to someone and be shutdown for being who i am/the stuff i've been though. He rags on me saying im too picky and says i need friends out here but then when i find some he gets moody, like he just lost time with me and i have to know that he's upset.

I really do feel i rushed into this relationship wayyyyy to early but i had 0 guidance growing up. My mother is recovering from drug addiction and bouncing back every time my step father is out of jail.
I've talked to her for the first time about me moving back and she said she would be so happy. But i worry about bringing her into my childs life. she's stayed years clean but it never fails, every time my step father is out she uses within a few months.

At the start of the relationship i had just gotten out of a relationship that had me spiraling into boyfriends/flings till i settled for my now bf. I just wanted security, didnt want to float around like i had before. I tried so hard to just give in and do anything he asked of me. But after so long its really wearing down and i grew a monster. Like a parent giving candy to a child every day expecting them not to get fat. I fed into his controlling behavior and let him have everything.

I do want to be alone, i dont want to rush into any other relationships, i just want out. I want to grow up and not feel like **** about myself everyday. I dont want my daughter to learn that his way is the right way to treat someone you care about. He has 0 compassion for others, i feel like he's my total opposite.

I wanted to try because its a really big decision, he's said he would change, not say mean/rude things. but i should know about change, the only time you can change is when you want to change for yourself not because someone else is asking you to.

I feel like the love i have is the build up of the past 5 years we've spent together. I do not like how he treats people and i usually am not fond of his personality.

When i asked about full custody for living with him out here he said it was out of the question. I dont understand how the roles can be flipped.
 

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How old are both of you?
Are you married or is he just your boyfriend? If he is your bf, you already have full custody of your child, right?

Either way.... it seems to me its time to move on from him, via divorce or just walking away.

Oh, and whatever you do, get into some counseling.

Good luck
 

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IF you REALLY want out, you should call a women's shelter. Explain your problems (via phone or in-person); be sure to explain that he has THREATENED TO KILL either you or himself (or both). Ask them for help in taking your daughter and LEAVING HIM.

This is what the shelter's are for. They have heard stories like yours hundreds of times (and far worse, unfortunately!) They know HOW to get you safe, HOW to help you get job training or more schooling, HOW to get you a safe place to live with your little one. HOW to get you some counseling. ALL OF THE THINGS YOU NEED for yourself and for your daughter.

Do not be TOO PROUD to get help. Do not be too afraid to seek help. These people are non-judgemental...they WANT to help you and they understand (often the volunteers are people who've been in your shoes).

Make a call as soon as you safely can. Get your daughter and leave. He is abusive, manipulative, and cruel. You will be WELL RID of him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Im 23 he's 24. We live in Indiana, gave birth in ky where he signed the papers at the hospital to say he is the father.

Right now i have no clue who has custody of her. Im worry if i do just split that it would be considered kidnapping.

I've thought about shelters but im terrible around people, when ever i get emotional/tell people about it irl i tear up/cant talk.

The new friend i made had gone through a similar life growing up and she's helping me learn how to drive and get some independence.
 

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It's not kidnapping no matter which parent takes her.... he could take her and run also.

Go with the women's shelter. They can get you set up to take care of yourself and your daughter. By staying with a nutcase, you set your daughter up for a crappy life. By taking your daughter and leaving, with ZERO contact from the bf, you and she both have a chance at a decent life.

Don't go back to your mom's if you can get by without it. And then if you have to, make it brief, as a stepping stone getting where you need to be. YOU can make a life for yourself and your daughter. Find out how to do that... do your homework. Google search every idea you can think of. Help is out there...opportunities are out there. But you have to want it, and you have to do the work.

Show your daughter what a strong, independent woman looks like.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I feel so conflicted because sometimes he'll make me feel wonderful and be sweet, then he switches.

today i went out with my friend, first time in 5 years without him. I post this on FB:

So glad to get out of the house with (girls name here) :D immmmm readayyyyy, well still need to get my make up on...

her:We had fun!!

BF:<-- wants to go on next group trip.

her:You have to have a vagina and boobs!!

him:Hey your all's third party didn't have a vagina and boobs from what I heard > : (

her:Jason didnt go with shopping. He had breakfast and went home. Every woman needs girl time. :)

him: That's true, which is why when she asked me if I didn't want her to go, I said that I did want her to. However, if there is no shared time where we can all hang out, the time available to go out on such excursions will be much more limited.

her:Sorry im Crystals friend and will say nothing else on this matter as I respect her decisions. Crystal im glad we had fun and I will leave at that.. :) I was glad to have girl talk without kids and bfs. Ttys!!!

He's pretty much saying that if he doesnt get to out on girl time that i will get less time to hang out with her......he hasnt said anything about this convo to me yet but i imagine by the end of the night im going to get an earful.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
He aslo texted her from my Facebook asking when i would be home. i was gone for 4 hours eating and shopping.

I always have to check in with him, when ever i talk to her on FB he asks what im talking about, what are you up to, why are you laughing, what did she say. he reads all my fb anyways so i dont even know why he's asking. he reads everything.

The other day he woke me up about something i had said to a friend like he was starting to pick fights from the beginning of the day. When i told him my pants size before i went shopping he says "fatty" jokingly then later after i mention it apologizes and says "i didnt know you where that sensitive".
 
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