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5 Posts
We've been married for a year and a half. Neither of us have been married before. We lived together for a short while prior to being married. While we were living together, we were working; now we're both in college and money is especially tight.
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I knew that my now husband had smoked since he was in his lower teens. I knew that he didn't much care about the consequences of his smoking. We got married anyway because I didn't think it would really have that much of an effect on our marriage other than me occasionally being annoyed over it -- plus, I loved (and still love) him.
Since getting married, we've had numerous, numerous arguments over his smoking. He's "tried" two times to quit smoking during our engagement/marriage. The first was his saying, "FINE, whatever, I quit." He was smoking by the end of the day.
The second, he tried cutting back from 6 to 5 to 4 to 3 over the course of several months. He gave up on that, and decided that in order for him to quit smoking, I had to graduate college. He said that I forced him to change so many things about himself (limit his gaming time, quit biting his nails 'til they bleed), that it was time for me to commit to something as difficult as quitting smoking -- an Associate degree. We'd argued so much that I finally just broke down and said OK. He agreed to smoke 4 a day until I graduated, then he would quit.
He has met his commitment of smoking 4 a day.. probably.. 10% of the time. He always pressures me into letting him smoke extra. Most days he smokes 2 extra, that I know of.
He has lied to me about his smoking. I found out about 8 months ago that he'd lied to me about his smoking for several months. He would sneak outside and smoke extra, or smoke whenever I wasn't around. I was completely heart-broken, and we argued and cried and eventually he swore to God that he'd never lie to me about smoking again.
I still have trouble believing that he hasn't lied to me since. He swears and promises, and occasionally he'll tell me when he's smoked an extra cigarette. I can't believe him, though, when we've been apart for several hours and he says he only smoked 1 or 2. My trust is strained, to say the least.
A few months ago, we found out that my mother has lung and thyroid cancer. She's smoked since she was in her 20s, and now she's almost 60. She hasn't quit smoking yet since she hasn't started treatment, and my husband is sticking to the "When you get a degree, I'll quit smoking" plan. I'm totally baffled that this isn't proof enough that he should quit smoking while he's still young. He maintains the "I'm young enough that, even if I quit in the next 10 years, I'll be absolutely fine" mindset despite her having cancer. His mother and sister smoke (though his sister is trying to quit at the moment), so I suppose it's ingrained in him to smoke.
In the past several arguments we've had, he's accused me of having "conditional love" for him. He says that I keep basically saying, "I love you, BUT..." or "I love you as long as you..." This is so hurtful. He says that I'm not supportive of him, that I never change and he never tells me I need to change, and that conditional love thing... it just kills me.
I don't know what to do. Recently, I've developed more severe allergies, and his smoking takes a toll on them. Also, we went through the part of our married where we only had $10 to last a week, and half of it went to his cigarettes. It seems like this is pushing me to my breaking point. In my head, at least, it seems like our marriage would be perfectly fine if he quit smoking... but would I be able to trust that he's not smoking behind my back?
I'm so hurt and confused. Can anyone give me some advice that isn't just, "Go to a marriage counselor" (I intend to when we have the money and time to do so, but I just don't know how much longer 'til I break)? I don't want this to end our marriage, but it puts serious stress on me.
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I knew that my now husband had smoked since he was in his lower teens. I knew that he didn't much care about the consequences of his smoking. We got married anyway because I didn't think it would really have that much of an effect on our marriage other than me occasionally being annoyed over it -- plus, I loved (and still love) him.
Since getting married, we've had numerous, numerous arguments over his smoking. He's "tried" two times to quit smoking during our engagement/marriage. The first was his saying, "FINE, whatever, I quit." He was smoking by the end of the day.
The second, he tried cutting back from 6 to 5 to 4 to 3 over the course of several months. He gave up on that, and decided that in order for him to quit smoking, I had to graduate college. He said that I forced him to change so many things about himself (limit his gaming time, quit biting his nails 'til they bleed), that it was time for me to commit to something as difficult as quitting smoking -- an Associate degree. We'd argued so much that I finally just broke down and said OK. He agreed to smoke 4 a day until I graduated, then he would quit.
He has met his commitment of smoking 4 a day.. probably.. 10% of the time. He always pressures me into letting him smoke extra. Most days he smokes 2 extra, that I know of.
He has lied to me about his smoking. I found out about 8 months ago that he'd lied to me about his smoking for several months. He would sneak outside and smoke extra, or smoke whenever I wasn't around. I was completely heart-broken, and we argued and cried and eventually he swore to God that he'd never lie to me about smoking again.
I still have trouble believing that he hasn't lied to me since. He swears and promises, and occasionally he'll tell me when he's smoked an extra cigarette. I can't believe him, though, when we've been apart for several hours and he says he only smoked 1 or 2. My trust is strained, to say the least.
A few months ago, we found out that my mother has lung and thyroid cancer. She's smoked since she was in her 20s, and now she's almost 60. She hasn't quit smoking yet since she hasn't started treatment, and my husband is sticking to the "When you get a degree, I'll quit smoking" plan. I'm totally baffled that this isn't proof enough that he should quit smoking while he's still young. He maintains the "I'm young enough that, even if I quit in the next 10 years, I'll be absolutely fine" mindset despite her having cancer. His mother and sister smoke (though his sister is trying to quit at the moment), so I suppose it's ingrained in him to smoke.
In the past several arguments we've had, he's accused me of having "conditional love" for him. He says that I keep basically saying, "I love you, BUT..." or "I love you as long as you..." This is so hurtful. He says that I'm not supportive of him, that I never change and he never tells me I need to change, and that conditional love thing... it just kills me.
I don't know what to do. Recently, I've developed more severe allergies, and his smoking takes a toll on them. Also, we went through the part of our married where we only had $10 to last a week, and half of it went to his cigarettes. It seems like this is pushing me to my breaking point. In my head, at least, it seems like our marriage would be perfectly fine if he quit smoking... but would I be able to trust that he's not smoking behind my back?
I'm so hurt and confused. Can anyone give me some advice that isn't just, "Go to a marriage counselor" (I intend to when we have the money and time to do so, but I just don't know how much longer 'til I break)? I don't want this to end our marriage, but it puts serious stress on me.
