Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 52 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need some input and assistance, most likely from all you Loyal Husbands, but I welcome all who can be of help, regarding my husband's anger and resentment. He wants me to do something about it so that it can go away.

Here's our background:
Dated four tumultuous years,
got pregnant (me at 22, him 26),
agreed to put all of our problems behind us and decided to become a family,
had son,
married when son was 18 months,
planned another baby, had a girl.

Let me just say at the outset, I have done some terrible things and hurt my husband badly. I am deeply regretful and am appalled at myself for my choices and wish I could take them back. If you are a LS and are taking the time to read this, I thank you, and am sorry if this is a trigger for you.

We've been married 10 years now. Last year I had a brief EA, DDay Sept 15. It followed my 6 month, or so, downward spiral of inappropriate language and behaviour, like admiring male celebrities in a vulgar way in front of others, and my DH confronted me about a few times. Evidently, I blew him off the first couple times, saying that everybody does it and to grow up, but at least once, I was understanding and wanted to improve.
I really didn't, though, I got worse. I started spending more time at my girlfriend's house to plan a giant party for another friend. That friend's brother (OM) was involved in the party planning, too, and he was at gf's house a lot. Every time we got together to plan the party, it turned into a working party, lots of drinking, music, dancing. Needless to say, OM and I became more than just attracted to eachother, we started talking about it. A couple of weeks later, I typed a note that described how I felt for OM, that I was sad that we couldn't be together, but that I couldn't do that to my kids. My DH finding that note became DDay.
For about two weeks, I denied being in love with OM, did the trickle truth thing, didn't break contact, and was insensitive to what my husband was going through.
I finally straightened up. But the damage had been done.
There were the drunk fights where he called me names, then there was the make-up sex the next morning. He finally was able to stop lashing out, but he detached. We've been in limbo for most of these nine months, just going along to get along for the kids, and because DH is historically a sit-back-and-let-things-happen kind of guy. I asked (demanded :() for him to decide on a path, so that I knew what we were working toward. OH NO. He said our goal needed to be to save money for a divorce. I crumbled at the news.
Here's where I need help: DH says that he can not get past his anger, resentment, and can not forgive unless we divorce and the betrayal is no longer an issue, and it's not fair for him to have to just get over it. I countered that we really didn't try. He is now open to improved communication, and trying things to see if these issues can be overcome.
Do you guys know of ways that I can facilitate freeing this man of all of this negativity? Currently, I have transparency, am in IC, I try my hardest to be understanding at all times, and other things that I think are helpful.
As long as this is, I've left a lot out, so feel free to ask me to fill in any gaps.
Thank you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,418 Posts
You will get a lot of good advice about the things you need to do to facilitate a reconciliation, etc, but I want you to keep one thing in mind:

You cannot make your husband get past his anger and resentment. Only he can do that. Those are his feelings and they are his to own, or to change. You can offer to participate in specific behaviors that may help him let go of anger and resentment, but at the end of the day, you cannot "free him" of negativity. Ball's in his court, emotionally.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,242 Posts
Here's where I need help: DH says that he can not get past his anger, resentment, and can not forgive unless we divorce and the betrayal is no longer an issue, and it's not fair for him to have to just get over it. I countered that we really didn't try. He is now open to improved communication, and trying things to see if these issues can be overcome.
Do you guys know of ways that I can facilitate freeing this man of all of this negativity? Currently, I have transparency, am in IC, I try my hardest to be understanding at all times, and other things that I think are helpful.
As long as this is, I've left a lot out, so feel free to ask me to fill in any gaps.
Thank you.
Let him go? Separate? Allow him the freedom to mend?

I realize that you do not want to hear this answer, but he did tell you that, in a sense, he wants some "space". If you truly want him to heal, give him some room to rediscover his feelings. He is deeply hurt and a bandage isn't enough. Time will heal his wounds, and he has already told you that he needs to be apart from you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,182 Posts
These things you did multiple time re: male celebrities, in public, what exactly are we talking about, in that he would have to call you out---this has all happened in the last year, so you are in your 30's, you can't use, being a teen-ager, and a young 20's for an excuse

You are a grown woman/wife/mother---what exactly set you off

Were you bored with your mge/lifestyle/H---what caused you to do these things---get into IC, and find out, and fix what caused your bad behavior

You have not cheated per se:---unless what you did was so atrocious, that your H., is not gonna get over it, You kind of sluffed off your EA, how bad was that situation.

Prove to him, as you go thru counseling, that you are not that, nor never will be that "woman" again---then go on a campaign to win him back

Go back to the days, when you were courting, and began to do those things, that won him over to you, in the first place---try to get him to go out on dates, YOU send HIM flowers, just go on a campaign to win him back, as if he was new in your life

But 1st you have to PROVE to him you have fixed your problem, and you will never be that "woman" again, who caused all of this mess!!!!!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
You broke his trust and heart.

For some people like your husband that isn't something they can get over. Once their heart is broken, it's broken.

You say it was an EA, but with many nights of drinking and partying. You husband is no doubt assuming you also had sex with the OM. He won't believe you didn't, especially after what you wrote to him.

So, you've got between now and the day the divorce papers are signed (not filed, but signed) to get him to trust you , and get him to love you again.

I'll tell you one clue: Issuing demands isn't going to do it. Right now your husband has no motivation to be with you. You broke his heart, you hurt him in the worse way possible for a man, and in your note you said you were only staying because of the children.

So ask yourself, right now, what reason does he have for staying with you? What reason have you given him? He looks at you and sees you being there only for the kids and not him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,182 Posts
I see that you are calling your little fling with the brother your EA---you were physical, maybe not finishing sex, but you more than likely did most everything else, so he sees EA/PA.

As I said above, get into counseling yourself, and fix whatever it is---that has wrecked your family---and from there all you can do is hope for the best

As to your H., he may have just had enuff, and no matter what you do, it will not win him back, you need to be prepared for that outcome---all you can do is try, to become the best wife/mother, you can be, and hope your H., will come around---to do this, you got to do ALL the heavy lifting, and give 100%.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Let him go? Separate? Allow him the freedom to mend?

I realize that you do not want to hear this answer, but he did tell you that, in a sense, he wants some "space". If you truly want him to heal, give him some room to rediscover his feelings. He is deeply hurt and a bandage isn't enough. Time will heal his wounds, and he has already told you that he needs to be apart from you.
You're probably right. He has detached from me and I don't even think he has those wounds anymore. Therefore all that's left is the resentment and anger.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You say it was an EA, but with many nights of drinking and partying. You husband is no doubt assuming you also had sex with the OM. He won't believe you didn't, especially after what you wrote to him.

So, you've got between now and the day the divorce papers are signed (not filed, but signed) to get him to trust you , and get him to love you again.

I'll tell you one clue: Issuing demands isn't going to do it. Right now your husband has no motivation to be with you. You broke his heart, you hurt him in the worse way possible for a man, and in your note you said you were only staying because of the children.

So ask yourself, right now, what reason does he have for staying with you? What reason have you given him? He looks at you and sees you being there only for the kids and not him.
Thank you for your thoughts.
As far as the question of it becoming physical, we were always with other people, or on messages or phone.

I agree with you on the demands. I have no right to do that to him.

At this point, I do want to work it out for the kids, but I also love my husband, and I've told him, and I've tried to show him to the best of my ability.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,189 Posts
  1. No Contact (NC). You cannot have ANY contact with any of the OM..ever. If they even send you a single text or email, you immediately show it to your Betrayed Husband (BH). It can be something a simple as "How are you?" "Are you ok?", etc. Any contact that you don't report is lying by omission and that is breaking NC. This means you MUST find another job as soon as possible. You cannot continue to work with either men.
  2. Write a NC letter to both OM. Do this in front of your BH.
  3. Write out a timeline of the affairs and show it to your BH. His mind is going crazy wondering how it started, why it started, what you did, how you did it, etc, etc. Writing out a timeline shows you're giving him full disclosure and easing his fears and his imagination.
  4. If he continues to doubt you, offer to submit to a polygraph test to show you're not lying.
  5. You must become completely transparent. This means handing over usernames/passwords to all accounts that you have, and be able to show him your cell phone. This is electronic transparency. DO NOT ever get defensive about showing him your phone or looking at your accounts. You have to be physically transparent as well. This means calling him as soon as you get to work, calling him during the day, and calling him before you go home to tell him you're on your way. Why the transparency? For two reasons: one, it's healthy to be open with your spouse. The second is that it helps rebuild trust. Trust is hard to build, but easy to destroy, and you destroyed it. Now it must be rebuilt. Part of the trauma of being betrayed is that he will be hypervigilant for a while, so you need to show that you want to earn back his trust.
  6. Be compassionate toward his feelings. He is going to be on the emotional roller coaster and will be triggering constantly. One day he will seem needy and clingy, the next moment he doesn't want anything to do with you. Be compassionate for his feelings. You need to constantly convey to him how sorry you are. It will get old, but you need to do this. Anything, like seeing something on tv, or even for no reason, he will trigger and he will remember the affairs. Console and comfort him when he triggers.
  7. Did I mention NC with OM? Can't stress that enough.

And the big one....

No more Girls Night Out (GNO) for you...ever.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I see that you are calling your little fling with the brother your EA---you were physical, maybe not finishing sex, but you more than likely did most everything else, so he sees EA/PA.

As I said above, get into counseling yourself, and fix whatever it is---that has wrecked your family---and from there all you can do is hope for the best

As to your H., he may have just had enuff, and no matter what you do, it will not win him back, you need to be prepared for that outcome---all you can do is try, to become the best wife/mother, you can be, and hope your H., will come around---to do this, you got to do ALL the heavy lifting, and give 100%.
I appreciate you taking the time to say these things to me.
The OM and I were not physical. The friends we were hanging out with would not have tolerated it. I don't know if I would have stopped myself, however, if we ever hung out in private.
I have been in counseling for almost five months to try to break old patterns and be the best person for my family and myself.
Being prepared for the worst is something I am having a lot of trouble with right now, but I know I need to do it. How?
I'd also like to know your perspective on the heavy lifting. What does that mean, really? I'm completely willing, and could use some more ideas on what to do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks everybody. Much against my desires, I guess I need to move my issues to the "considering separation or divorce" section.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,825 Posts
I countered that we really didn't try.
WE didn't really try?

I think you have half of that right. Guess which half?:rolleyes:

You seem to still want your husband to "get over it."

A lot of cheating spouses want their betrayed other half to "just get over it."

I wonder just exactly what this "it" that they magically want or demand their betrayed spouses to "just get over" is?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
WE didn't really try?

I think you have half of that right. Guess which half?:rolleyes:

You seem to still want your husband to "get over it."

A lot of cheating spouses want their betrayed other half to "just get over it."

I wonder just exactly what this "it" that they magically want or demand their betrayed spouses to "just get over" is?
I respect what you're saying. This exact thing has come up and it confuses me, and I want to correct my thinking on it.

I don't expect him to just get over it. Does asking him to work on things mean that I do? Maybe I'm too simple, but I've offered to do anything to help him with his resentment thinking that I could help him heal. I've offered to move out even, although I'm grateful he hasn't taken me up on it yet. (I did start that thread in the considering divorce section, if you want to take a look).
You have really piqued my interest with what you've said. Would you care to tell me more so I can understand? I really am perplexed as to why my suggesting that we don't just sit back and wait for the big D, and instead explore the possiblitly of taking a step toward recovery.
Please forgive me if the answer is blindingly obvious and can't see it (completely sincere here).
Thank you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,973 Posts
What have you been doing sayjelly? You are the one who broke the trust, what have you done to fix that? What have you done to prove to your H that he means the world to you? Or have you been waiting for HIM to start doing it? That more than likely will not happen.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,825 Posts
Everyone is here more or less because they were cheated on. Or because they cheated on their spouse. Some of us are here because we were cheated on and then cheated ourselves. (Have to put my hand up for that. :( )

My situation is different from that of your husband. My wife told me she was going to cheat on me.

I can only imagine the pain that your husband went through when he found the note. You broke his heart.

Have you considered counselling as a couple?

There's no way you can make your husband feel better about it, if he doesn't want to. From what you say, it looks like it might have been the last straw that broke the camel's back.

If he believes the only thing that will make him feel whole again is a divorce, well, he might be wrong, but it is his prerogative.

Does he know about TAM? Might be worth inviting him here. It could help him, as it has helped other couples at TAM.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
What have you been doing sayjelly? You are the one who broke the trust, what have you done to fix that? What have you done to prove to your H that he means the world to you? Or have you been waiting for HIM to start doing it? That more than likely will not happen.
NC, obviously. I'm completely transparent. I have stopped hanging out with those friends who were friends with the OM. I have continued to be affectionate with him. I have been patient while we go through financial troubles so that he can chase a dream, and I've been working more to try to pay the bills (not doing great at that)

Seriously, ya'll, he just doesn't want to work on resentment while in the marriage. Actually, he doesn't think it's possible. When I posted this thread, I was confused about what he meant when he said that he would stay open to possibilities.

If anyone has anything else to add, though, I'll gladly hear it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
NC, obviously. I'm completely transparent. I have stopped hanging out with those friends who were friends with the OM. I have continued to be affectionate with him. I have been patient while we go through financial troubles so that he can chase a dream, and I've been working more to try to pay the bills (not doing great at that)

Seriously, ya'll, he just doesn't want to work on resentment while in the marriage. Actually, he doesn't think it's possible. When I posted this thread, I was confused about what he meant when he said that he would stay open to possibilities.

If anyone has anything else to add, though, I'll gladly hear it.
I gotta be honest with you here. You sound just like my wife, who said the exact same words... "just for the kids".

That is about the worst thing you can tell your partner for life. You need to take a walk in his shoes and really feel the pain and humiliation in that statement.

THEN you got to pull off the largest brainstorming event of the world to get creative ideas on how to make up for that blunder. You must be really creative and show him each and every day, that you didn't mean that... if that is the case, that is...?

From your writing I sense, I may be wrong, that you look at this as it is some technical error fixing stuff "bills... money... stopped seing.... yada yada".

You need to hit your emotional level in order to sort this out, and you better hurry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I gotta be honest with you here. You sound just like my wife, who said the exact same words... "just for the kids".

That is about the worst thing you can tell your partner for life. You need to take a walk in his shoes and really feel the pain and humiliation in that statement.

THEN you got to pull off the largest brainstorming event of the world to get creative ideas on how to make up for that blunder. You must be really creative and show him each and every day, that you didn't mean that... if that is the case, that is...?

From your writing I sense, I may be wrong, that you look at this as it is some technical error fixing stuff "bills... money... stopped seing.... yada yada".

You need to hit your emotional level in order to sort this out, and you better hurry.
I'm sorry to say that it took me a while to be able to empathize with my husband. But I do now, and it kills me every day.

Creativity: I don't have it. I look to literature and places like this to problem solve. I would do anything, though. Any ideas? You seem to think that there's something I can still do despite the end of my post that you quoted. Let me reiterate that H can see no way of overcoming all this resentment (and he was just specific that it was resentment for my lack of integrity that led to my betrayal) while still married to me. He says that is the only way, other than to not have integrity himself and conduct himself without consideration to me, which he's not willing to do. Those two ways... that's it. It's his brain and heart, but I'm having trouble accepting that there aren't other avenues to overcoming resentment. What do you think?
And no, I didn't really mean it.

As for technical vs emotional, I have poured out my heart to him repeatedly. Is this what you had in mind?

Thank you so much.
 
1 - 20 of 52 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top