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Good day everyone,

Well as you know from the title of the thread, there has been an issue that has yet to go away. I married my friend of 18 years (25 now) and we became romantically involved last June, his birthday my birthday, just broke up from ex's and so forth. Happened to be back in the same state where we are from and started to hang out. From the first day his mother said we should get married, she sees grandkids etc. Everything was fantastic. Unfortunately, his family like many families have negatives. She is an alcoholic, functioning and we all see past that because well sometimes you can't change a person and I can't tell her how to act.

Husband and I flew back to CT for Christmas after his mom told him she was having heart surgery soon and she might die (way to get him to come, bring up death to kids - always works). My family was there too so we flew in. Never spent a holiday together because he was away for a Marine course for 2 months. At the airport I forgot my ID and told him to go see his family not to wait for me. He left I called him that night and we agreed on breakfast at 6 bc we had errands. I call him around 6 and he says hes going bck to bed he is completely hung over everything. This is what happens everytime he comes home- his mother pressures everyone into drinking, even me when I first met her (I rarely drink..) I was very upset, everything was ruined and I depended on him for something and because he was plastered the night before (who was the DD? no one knows and that bothered me too). We got over it and my family invited relatives so I can introduce him to everyone, we left for an hour and his mom was furious with him saying she never sees him. After Christmas, she vouched to drive us to the airport everything was okay until my husband smacked his lil bro of 8 years after he told me " he cheated on you last night" when clearly we wwere together. How does an 8 y.o know such things? Because his mother allows him to watch terrible shows not intended for a child. She swears like a sailor and drinks everyday and threatens to go after everyone. She is proud for being on probation and I honestly can't stand it but I tolerated her until my husband slapped his brother. She yelled at my husband at the airport and drove off and called me to complain and I listened and agreed to sooth this issue. Then she called me pathetic and ridiculous for letting an 8 year old get in our way, that we aren't strong enough and we shouldn't be together. I told her nicely to have a good day and enjoy the week.

In february she called and told hubby she had the heart surgery, she lied and had a huge hang over (we didn't know at the time). She asked to speak to me and I listened to her as she complained and told her to relax and don't drink and smoke bc the doc said so. We got off the phone and I left it like that. She called a week or two later and asked why I hadn't spoken to her to my husband he said because she had called me all these names. She was furious and said she would never apologize etc. My husband and I were married March bc we have orders for Japan and because we love each other. When he tried to tell her, she screamed, threw his pictures out of the house ( a friend of ours called and told us ) and threatened to kill herself, she said she was taking his name off the will and told him I was using him because he is in the military ( I have my own career and make more than him which is fine but just a heads up). Then she asked if it was because I was pregnant ( found out after I was, no big deal) and he said yes. I told him not to because I was having personal health issues. Then she said it was going to be a welfare baby. HE never told her we married because he couldn't so I sent her a text saying we are married. Then she said she was getting a restraining order against me and to f myself. I said okay thank you

Anyways, I am torn. My family is from a different country and I thought marriage and the families being together would be easy. But because I didn't apologize to her about her talking bad about me after christmas, she wants to hate me? I know it's because she doesn't want to let her son go, however, he is 25 and has left for the military since 17 because he couldn't stand being in that household. He told her not to say anything about the baby and she told everyone ( I hadn't even told my father or brother...).I had to deny this and now, April, his gramma is calling him telling him I wrote a letter to his mom and grandmother that I own him and that they can't talk to him etc etc. I didn't though. I can't take it and I know he can't but he keeps saying, you need to patch things up. I respect myself and I am a grown woman there comes a time where I will say no and will protect myself and our child. The mother had ran after his ex gf with a broken bacardi bottle, why would I ever want to be in close proximity with a woman who will want to hurt me?

I feel like I can't do this anymore. My family supports me and I just told my father and he is happy but very upset that his mother and rest of the family (expect for his real father who is excited but is in a nursing home and can't really see us much) is so negative. I come from a great family, no drugs no abuse nothing expect that my parents had divorced but we are all fine. I didn't get to see my grandparents much on my father's side and I would hate to deny our child from his side (the mean ones) but I want to protect our child. Yes, people change, but saying things like " I dont like your wife" " I think she is fat and can't go on a diet and is weighing you down, controlling you" is much different than she is pathetic, I hope she gets rid of the baby etc.

That is my vent, I am so upset I wish things were well but.... I can't have everyone like me. Please any advice

oh also, he is limiting himself from them but then he will say " I am turning my back on my own family" so it makes me feel like I am making him do it.
 

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On the subject of in laws I can speak from some experience, unfortunately we cannot chose our parents, and neither can our spouses, and when we fall in love and marry, we marry into the family, however, that does not mean that we have to allow them to walk over us or abuse us. BUT that also does not mean that because we have issues with our spouses families that our spouses have to put their families on a back burner or cut ties for us, nor should we have to end our relationships with our spouses. Sometimes it's just the veggie you don't want to eat and leave on the plate pushed aside to be thrown away, but the rest of the meal is delish. You could this one time, bite your tongue and apologize for your husband's sake and make a mental note, as well as a verbal agreement with your husband that next time you will not be treated like dirt by his mother, and try to be the bigger person in this particular instance, since very shortly, you will be in another country and some serious distance will be between you all and at least you might be able to have decent parting. (And your husband will feel better).
Even though I am having issues in my relationship right now, I know all too well about compromise and many times have had to bite my tongue with regards to my inlaws.
 

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Some people are messy. That's what I call people who cause trouble, chaos, and mayhem for everyone around them. You are taking this personally, and I understand how you feel. But, you shouldn't take if personally because it all only bears your name, and that's only because you exist. If your husband were married to a different lady, all of his mother's venom would bear her name. Get it? It is bound to happen for whoever he marries. As you already know (because he told you), this is not new, and this is not about whoever her son is married to. She is messy and acts very ugly, and that's just the way she is. The alcohol makes it worse, but she's this way any how.

What you are learning is you have to keep some people out of your life. This applies even it were your own family member or closest friend. You simply have to let go and stay away. Don't even try to be nice to her. Don't have any communication with her at all - none whatsoever. Don't visit for holidays. Don't answer the phone when she calls. Don't take a message for your husband. Do not exist as far as she is concerned.

At your age, you are not going to listen to me. There will come times that you are going to think it's a good idea to be nice and offer a kind gesture in order to try and make peace. But it won't work. You will sorely regret it when she turns your kindness into the most god-awful thing a person could ever do. Then you will believe me. You see what you're going through right now just because she met you. Any effort on your part will be taken as another declaration of war.

That also means you absolutely should not apologize. A person should only apologize when they did something to apologize for. Others may suggest you apologize to keep the peace, but there is no peace with this woman. She is just messy and abusive, always looking for any little reasons to pounce, act ugly, and be destructive. You don't have to give her any reasons. She manufactures them out of nothing at all as you can see. Anyone telling you to apologize apparently has no experience with this kind of woman (this kind of drunk), so they don't realize there is no peace for you to keep. There never will be any peace. She will make sure of that.

You also have to stop bleeding for your husband. He is a grown man and should stay on your side. He knows how she is and should never allow his mother to bad mouth you to him. Whether he continues communication with her is up to him and not your fault at all if he doesn't, nor should he ever blame you. The two of you can easily agree on this issue.
 
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